101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Vers
ion)[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are
there.]Monica: There''s nothing to tell! He''s just some guy I work
with!Joey: Come on, you''re going out with the guy! There''s gotta
be something wrong with him!Chandler: All right Joey, be nice.?
So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?Phoebe: Wait, does
he eat chalk?(They all stare, bemused.)Phoebe: Just, ''cause, I d
on''t want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!Mon
ica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It''s just tw
o people going out to dinner and- not having sex.Chandler: Sounds
like a date to me.[Time Lapse]Chandler: Alright, so I''m back in
high school, I''m standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I r
ealize I am totally naked.All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.Chandler:
Then I look down, and I realize there''s a phone... there.Joey: I
nstead of...?Chandler: That''s right.Joey: Never had that dream.Ph
oebe: No.Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now
I don''t know what to do, everybody starts looking at me. Monica:
And they weren''t looking at you before?!Chandler: Finally, I fig
ure I''d better answer it, and it turns out it''s my mother, which
is very-very weird, because- she never calls me![Time Lapse, Ross
has entered.]Ross: (mortified) Hi.Joey: This guy says hello, I w
anna kill myself.Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?Ross: I just feel
like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine,
pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...Chandler:
Cookie?Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff o
ut today. Joey: Ohh.Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
Ross: Thanks.Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air jus
t in front of Ross.)Ross: No, no don''t! Stop cleansing my aura! N
o, just leave my aura alone, okay?Phoebe: Fine!? Be murky!Ross: I
''ll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she''ll be very hap
py.Monica: No you don''t.Ross: No I don''t, to hell with her, she l
eft me!Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...Ross: No!! Ok
ay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn''t know, h
ow should I know?Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (T
hey all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?Ross: I told mom a
nd dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.Monica: Oh
really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbi
ng 3:00 A.M., "I''ll never have grandchildren, I''ll never have gra
ndchildren." was what?? A wrong number?Ross: Sorry.Joey: Alright
Ross, look. You''re feeling a lot of pain right now. You''re angry.
You''re hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?(Ross gestures
his consent.)Joey: Strip joint! C''mon, you''re single! Have some
hormones!Ross: I don''t want to be single, okay? I just... I just-
I just wanna be married again!(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dr
ess and starts to search the room.)Chandler: And I just want a mi
llion dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)Monica: Rachel?!Ra
chel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building a
nd you weren''t there and then this guy with a big hammer said you
might be here and you are, you are!Waitress: Can I get you some
coffee?Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, every
body, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel)
This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- y
ou remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure!Ross: Hi. (They go
to hug but Ross''s umbrella opens.? He sits back down defeated aga
in.? A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others ex
pect her to explain.)Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we
waiting for four wet bridesmaids?Rachel: Oh God... well, it start
ed about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where
we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy
boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sud
den- (to the waitress that brought her coffee) Sweet ''n'' Lo?- I r
ealized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barr
y! And then I got really freaked out, and that''s when it hit me:
how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y''know, I mean, I alwa
ys knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of
there, and I started wondering ''Why am I doing this, and who am I
doing this for?''. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn''t know where
to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but y
ou''re the only person I knew who lived here in the city.Monica: W
ho wasn''t invited to the wedding.Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping
that wouldn''t be an issue... [Scene: Monica''s Apartment, everyone
is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to fig
ure out what is going on.]Monica: Now I''m guessing that he bought
her the big pipe organ, and she''s really not happy about it. Cha
ndler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad?? Decide!Ross
: (in a deep voice) I''ll have whatever Christine is having.Rachel
: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can''t marry him! I''m sorry. I jus
t don''t love him. Well, it matters to me! (The scene on TV has ch
anged to show two women, one is holding her hair.)Phoebe: If I le
t go of my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, sh
e should not be wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down th
e stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the sta
irs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!(She is p
ushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)Rachel: C''mon Daddy, l
isten to me! It''s like, it''s like, all of my life, everyone has a
lways told me, ''You''re a shoe! You''re a shoe, you''re a shoe, you''
re a shoe!''. And today I just stopped and I said, ''What if I don''
t wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y''know? Or a- o
r a hat! No, I''m not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I''m sayin
g I am a ha- It''s a metaphor, Daddy!Ross: You can see where he''d
have trouble.Rachel: Look Daddy, it''s my life. Well maybe I''ll ju
st stay here with Monica. Monica: Well, I guess we''ve established
who''s staying here with Monica...Rachel: Well, maybe that''s my d
ecision. Well, maybe I don''t need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said
maybe!![Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]Monica:
Just breathe, breathe.. that''s it. Just try to think of nice cal
m things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and ki
ttens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sle
ighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something a
nd noodles with string.? These are a few...Rachel: I''m all better
now.Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler
and Joey.) I helped!Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the
best, y''know? Independence. Taking control of your life.? The wh
ole, ''hat'' thing.Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anythin
g, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the h
all. And he''s away a lot.Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It''s
her wedding day!Joey: What, like there''s a rule or something?(The
door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)Chandler: Please don''t
do that again, it''s a horrible sound.Paul: (over the intercom) It
''s, uh, it''s Paul.Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30?? Buzz him in!Joey:
Who''s Paul?Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wai
t. Your ''not a real date'' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?Ross:
He finally asked you out?Monica: Yes!Chandler: Ooh, this is a De
ar Diary moment.Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...Rachel: Please
, no, go, that''d be fine!Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I m
ean, do you want me to stay?Ross: (choked voice) That''d be good..
.Monica: (horrified) Really?Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It''s
Paul the Wine Guy!Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, d
rink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn''t know.)(There''s
a knock on the door and it''s Paul.)Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, th
is is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, e
verybody, this is Paul.All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!Chan
dler: I''m sorry, I didn''t catch your name. Paul, was it?Monica: O
kay, umm-umm, I''ll just--I''ll be right back, I just gotta go ah,
go ah...Ross: A wandering?Monica: Change!? Okay, sit down. (Shows
Paul in) Two seconds.Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelash
es. That can''t be good.(Monica goes to change.)Joey: Hey, Paul!Pa
ul: Yeah?Joey: Here''s a little tip, she really likes it when you
rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until
it starts to get a little red.Monica: (yelling from the bedroom)
Shut up, Joey!Ross: So Rachel, what''re you, uh... what''re you up
to tonight?Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Ar
uba on my honeymoon, so nothing!Ross: Right, you''re not even gett
ing your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of y
ear... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you d
on''t feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming
over to help me put together my new furniture.Chandler: (deadpan)
Yes, and we''re very excited about it. Rachel: Well actually than
ks, but I think I''m just gonna hang out here tonight.? It''s been
kinda a long day.Ross: Okay, sure.Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna hel
p?Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don''t want to.Commercial Brea
k[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]Phoebe: (singi
ng) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of a
rt, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeo
n...crapping on my heart.? La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her so
me change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!
[Scene: Ross''s Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture
.]Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I''m supposed to
attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of thes
e little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys
whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.(Joey and Chandler are fini
shing assembling the bookcase.)Joey: I''m thinking we''ve got a boo
kcase here.Chandler: It''s a beautiful thing.Joey: (picking up a l
eftover part) What''s this?Chandler: I would have to say that is a
n ''L''-shaped bracket.Joey: Which goes where?Chandler: I have no i
dea.(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant
.)Joey: Done with the bookcase!Chandler: All finished!Ross: (clut
ching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol''s favorite beer. Sh
e always drank it out of the can, I should have known.Joey: Hey-h
ey-hey-hey, if you''re gonna start with that stuff we''re outta her
e.Chandler: Yes, please don''t spoil all this fun.Joey: Ross, let
me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the goo
d TV- what did you get?Ross: You guys.Chandler: Oh, God.Joey: You
got screwed.Chandler: Oh my God![Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and
Paul are eating.]Monica: Oh my God!Paul: I know, I know, I''m suc
h an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started goin
g to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean ca
n teeth get?Monica: My brother''s going through that right now, he
''s such a mess. How did you get through it?Paul: Well, you might
try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-Mon
ica: -leg?Paul: (laughing) That''s one way! Me, I- I went for the
watch.Monica: You actually broke her watch?? Wow!? The worst thin
g I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend''s favorite bath towel
.Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.Monica: That''s right. [Scene: Moni
ca''s Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]Rachel
: Barry, I''m sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think
that this is all about what I said the other day about you making
love with your socks on, but it isn''t... it isn''t, it''s about me
, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine
cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is
going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it
isn''t me, it''s not me.? And not that I have any idea who me is r
ight now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The machi
ng cuts her off again and she redials.)[Scene: Ross''s Apartment;
Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more f
urniture.]Ross: I''m divorced!? I''m only 26 and I''m divorced!Joey:
Shut up!Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is worki
ng on with a hammer and it collapses.)Ross: That only took me an
hour.Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we ha
ven''t had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento.You,
however have had the love of a woman for four years. ? Four year
s of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your he
art out, and that is why we don''t do it!? I don''t think that was
my point!Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there''
s only one woman for everybody, y''know? I mean what if you get on
e woman- and that''s it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only
one woman- for her...Joey: What are you talking about? ''One woman
''? That''s like saying there''s only one flavor of ice cream for yo
u. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There''s lots of flavors out th
ere. There''s Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanil
la. You could get ''em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! Th
is is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married,
you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a sp
oon!Ross: I honestly don''t know if I''m hungry or horny.Chandler:
Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are
still eating.]Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...Mon
ica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles?Paul: N
o, it''s, it''s more of a fifth date kinda revelation.Monica: Oh, s
o there is gonna be a fifth date?Paul: Isn''t there?Monica: Yeah..
. yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say?Paul: Well, ev
er-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven''t been able to, uh,
perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually. Monica:
(spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry...
I am so sorry...Paul: It''s okay...Monica: I know being spit on is
probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?Paul: Two y
ears.Monica: Wow! I''m-I''m-I''m glad you smashed her watch! Paul: S
o you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?Monica: (
pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.[Scene: Monica''s Apartment, Rachel is w
atching Joanne Loves Chaci.]Priest on TV: We are gathered here to
day to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-C
hachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.Rachel: Oh...see...
but Joanne loved Chachi! That''s the difference![Scene: Ross''s Apa
rtment, they''re all sitting around and talking.]Ross: (scornful)
Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it''s been since I''ve grabbed a
spoon? Do the words ''Billy, don''t be a hero'' mean anything to yo
u? Joey: Great story!? But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with A
ndrea--Angela--Andrea...? Oh man, (looks to Chandler)Chandler: An
gela''s the screamer, Andrea has cats.Joey: Right.? Thanks.? It''s
June.? I''m outta here. (Exits.)Ross: Y''know, here''s the thing. Ev
en if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... w
ho am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)[Cut to Rachel st
aring out of her window.]Commercial Break[Scene: Monica''s Apartme
nt, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler.]Rachel: Isn''t
this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entir
e life.Chandler: That is amazing.Joey: Congratulations. Rachel: Y
''know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn''t anything I can''
t do.Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn''t anything I can''t
do.Joey: Listen, while you''re on a roll, if you feel like you go
tta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler
taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Althou
gh actually I''m really not that hungry...Monica: (entering, to he
rself) Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here.All: Morning. Good morn
ing.Paul: (entering from Monica''s room) Morning.Joey: Morning, Pa
ul.Rachel: Hello, Paul.Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?(Monica and Paul
walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can''t hea
r.? The others move Monica''s table closer to the door so that the
y can.)Paul: Thank you!? Thank you so much!Monica: Stop!Paul: No,
I''m telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both
graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.Monica: We''ll
talk later.Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)Joey: That
wasn''t a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?Monic
a: Shut up, and put my table back.All: Okayyy! (They do so.)Chand
ler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don''t input those
numbers,... it doesn''t make much of a difference... Rachel: So,
like, you guys all have jobs?Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See,
that''s how we buy stuff.Joey: Yeah, I''m an actor.Rachel: Wow! Wo
uld I have seen you in anything?Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional
work.Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Rer
uns'' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park.J
oey: Look, it was a job all right?Chandler: ''Look, Gippetto, I''m
a real live boy.''Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the
door and opens it to leave.)Chandler: You''re right, I''m sorry. (B
urst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden
boy, a little wooden boy..."Joey: You should both know, that he''s
a dead man.? Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.) Monica: So h
ow you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can''t st
op smiling.Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a
hanger in your mouth.Monica: I know, he''s just so, so... Do you
remember you and Tony DeMarco?Rachel: Oh, yeah.Monica: Well, it''s
like that. With feelings.Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.Moni
ca: Big time!Rachel: Want a wedding dress? ? Hardly used.Monica:
I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay.
I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him al
l day. Or else I''m just gonna get up and go to work.Rachel: Oh, l
ook, wish me luck!Monica: What for?Rachel: I''m gonna go get one o
f those (Thinks) job things.(Monica exits.)[Scene: Iridium, Monic
a is working as Frannie enters.] Frannie: Hey, Monica! Monica: He
y Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida? Frannie: You had sex, d
idn''t you? Monica: How do you do that?Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I''
m pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you''re having sex
!? So? Who? Monica: You know Paul? Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh
yeah, I know Paul. Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Pa
ul? Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y''know befo
re me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years. [Scene: Cen
tral Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]Joey: (sitting on the ar
m of the couch)Of course it was a line! Monica: Why?! Why? Why, w
hy would anybody do something like that? Ross: I assume we''re loo
king for an answer more sophisticated than ''to get you into bed''.
Monica: I hate men!? I hate men!Phoebe: Oh no, don''t hate, you d
on''t want to put that out into the universe.Monica: Is it me? Is
it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with se
vere emotional problems can hear? Phoebe: All right, c''mere, gimm
e your feet. (She starts massaging them.) Monica: I just thought
he was nice, y''know? Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can''t be
lieve you didn''t know it was a line! (Monica pushes him off of th
e sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.) Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job? Rachel: Are you kidding? I''m trained for no
thing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today. Chandler: An
d yet you''re surprisingly upbeat. Rachel: You would be too if you
found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off! Chandler:
Oh, how well you know me... Rachel: They''re my new ''I don''t need
a job, I don''t need my parents, I''ve got great boots'' boots! Mon
ica: How''d you pay for them? Rachel: Uh, credit card. Monica: And
who pays for that? Rachel: Um... my... father. [Scene: Monica an
d Rachel''s, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table. ? Rache
l''s credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of
scissors.]Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really neces
sary?? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want. Monica: C''mon,
you can''t live off your parents your whole life. Rachel: I know
that. That''s why I was getting married. Phoebe: Give her a break,
it''s hard being on your own for the first time. Rachel: Thank yo
u. Phoebe: You''re welcome. I remember when I first came to this c
ity. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-d
ad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn''t know anybody.
And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleani
ng windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself
, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly ho
w you feel. (Pause) Ross: The word you''re looking for is ''Anyway''
... Monica: All right, you ready?Rachel: No.? No, no, I''m not rea
dy!? How can I be ready?? "Hey, Rach!? You ready to jump out the
airplane without your parachute?" Come on, I can''t do this!Monica
: You can, I know you can! Rachel: I don''t think so.Ross: Come on
, you made coffee! ? You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries
to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey pou
red their coffee into it.)Ross: C''mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,... All
: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and
they cheer.)Rachel: Y''know what?? I think we can just leave it at
that.? It''s kinda like a symbolic gesture...Monica: Rachel!? Tha
t was a library card! All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..Cha
ndler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y''know, if you listen
closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream. (She finishes
cutting them up and they all cheer.)Monica: Welcome to the real w
orld! It sucks. You''re gonna love it! [Time Lapse, Rachel and Ros
s are watching a TV channel finishes it''s broadcast day by playin
g the national anthem.] Monica: Well, that''s it (To Ross) You gon
na crash on the couch? Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime. Mo
nica: You be okay? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just
found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What? Monica: That''s Paul''s
watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright.
Goodnight, everybody. Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.(Monica stomps o
n Paul''s watch and goes into her room.)Ross: Mmm. (They both reac
h for the last cookie) Oh, no- Rachel: Sorry- Ross: No no no, go-
Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don''t want it- Ross: Split it
? Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probabl
y didn''t know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major c
rush on you. Rachel: I knew. Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figur
ed you just thought I was Monica''s geeky older brother. Rachel: I
did. Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my inten
se vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you thi
nk it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe? Rachel:
Yeah, maybe... Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will... Rachel: Goodni
ght. Ross: Goodnight. (Rachel goes into her room and Monica enter
s the living room as Ross is leaving.) Monica: See ya.... Waitwai
t, what''s with you? Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and
Monica has no idea what that means.) Closing Credits[Scene: Cent
ral Perk, everyone is there.] Joey: I can''t believe what I''m hear
ing here. Phoebe: (sings) I can''t believe what I''m hearing here..
. Monica: What? I-I said you had a- Phoebe: (sings) What I said y
ou had... Monica: (to Phoebe) Would you stop? Phoebe: Oh, was I d
oing it again?All: Yes!Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, i
t''s just not a great butt.Joey: Oh, you wouldn''t know a great but
t if it came up and bit ya.Ross: There''s an image. Rachel: (walks
up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee? Chandle
r: Did you make it, or are you just serving it? Rachel: I''m just
serving it. All: Yeah. Yeah, I''ll have a cup of coffee. Chandler:
Kids, new dream... I''m in Las Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear C
handler''s dream.)Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh, miss? ? More coffee?
Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that''s leaving.) Excuse me, cou
ld you give this to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee po
t.) Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry.? Oka
y, Las Vegas.Chandler: Okay, so, I''m in Las Vegas... I''m Liza Min
elli- End101 试播没什么好说的！他不过是我的同事！少来了，你和那个人一起出去！拜托，和你交往的男人一定有问题！打住，乔
伊，嘴下留德。他驼背？既驼背又带假发？慢着，他吃粉笔吗？我只是不想你重蹈我和卡尔的覆辙。各位别急，这不算约会。我们不过是出去吃晚餐
，而且不做爱。听起来好像是说我的约会。记得中学时代的梦，我站在自助餐厅，突然发现自己全身赤裸。我做过那样的梦。我低头一看，看见有一
支电话……在那儿。而不是……？没错。我没做过那样的梦,没有。那支电话突然响起，而我不知道怎么办，每个人都开始望着我。他们以前不看你
吗？！终于，我认为我应该接，结果是我妈打来，我感到很奇怪，因为我妈不曾打过电话给我！嗨。这家伙向我打招呼时我就想自杀。你还好吧？我
感觉有人把手伸入我的喉咙，抓起我的肠子，从我的口中取出，然后绑在我脖上……饼干？卡罗今天把她的东西搬走了。- 我帮你泡杯咖啡，谢了
。不要……别清理我的灵气。可是……别碰我的灵气就是了。好吧，保持晦气！我会没事的，真的，我祝她幸福。- 不，你不会的，没错，- 我
不会的，去她的，她甩掉我！而且你一直都不知道她是女同性恋者。没有！！行了吧？！为何大家都围着这个话题打转？连她不知道，我怎会知道。
有时真希望自己也是个女同志。我刚刚大声说出来了吗？昨晚我告诉我父母，他们好像还挺好。真的吗，凌晨三点我接到一个电话，一个女人歇斯底
里的向我哭诉，“我不能抱孙子了，我不能抱孙子了。”那是什么？打错了？对不起。别闷闷不乐了，罗斯。你现在很痛苦。我一肚子火,心如刀割
。能告诉你解决之道吗？脱衣舞酒店。你单身，有性需求。我不想单身的。我只想再结婚。我只想要一百万！- 瑞秋？！- 天啊，莫妮卡，谢天
谢地！我到过你的住处，你不在。有个拿着一根大榔头的人说你可能会在这儿，结果你真的在这儿。想来杯咖啡吗？无咖啡因的。各位，她叫瑞秋，
另一位从林肯高中生存下来的人。这位叫钱德勒，菲比，乔伊。还记得我哥罗斯吗？当然。嗨。你想现在告诉我们，还是等伴娘来再说？婚礼前半个
小时发生了变数。我在堆放礼物的房间里，看着船形卤肉盘，非常漂亮的船形卤肉盘，突然间……有没有代糖？我了解船形卤肉盘此巴瑞更能引起我
的“性趣”，我自己都吓了一跳，巴瑞愈看愈像猪头先生。我一直都认为他很眼熟。总之,我必须离开。我开始想，我为何这么做？我为谁这样做？
于是我不知该走往何处，我知道你我日渐疏远。但是你是我在这个城市，认识的唯一一个人。好像是唯一没受邀参加婚礼的人。这件事就甭提啦。我
猜他送她一台管风琴，她肯定不喜欢，金枪鱼还是鸡蛋沙拉？快决定！我要拥有克莉丝汀拥有的一切。爸，我不能嫁给他……对不起，我只是不爱他
。对，是我的问题！如果我没了头发，还不如去死。她不该穿那条裤子。我建议推她下楼，推她下楼！推她下楼！推她下楼！爸，你听我说……大家
这样评价我这一辈子：你是一只鞋……今天我倒想看看如果我不再是鞋会怎样。我说如果我想当皮包呢？或是帽子呢？不，我不需你帮我买帽子。我
说我是一顶帽子。爸，这是一种比喻。你看他也有些问题。爸，这是我的人生。或许我会和莫妮卡住在这儿。我想我们已确定好谁要和莫妮卡住在这
儿。或许那是我的决定。或许我不希罕你的钱。等一下，等一下……我说的是或许！！深呼吸，就这样。试着想着美好的事物……玫瑰上的雨滴，猫
嘴上的胡须，门铃和雪橇之类的。啦 啦 啦……还有手套……我现在好多了。我的功劳。或许这样最好，要自立，决定自己的事情。有任何需要找
乔伊准没错。我和钱德勒就住在对面，而且他经常不在家。乔伊,少趁虚而入了，今天是她大喜的日子。什么？有规定不能吗？别再这样，声音很刺
耳。我是保罗。天啊，6:30了吗？让他进来！保罗是谁？调酒的那个保罗？或许吧。等等,你今晚该不是真的要和调酒的那个保罗约会吧？他终
于开口约你了？对。终于被你等到了。瑞秋，等等，我可以取消。不用了，你去吧，我不会有事的。罗斯，你没事吧。你要我留下来吗？那样最好…
…真的吗？- 假的，去吧！是保罗，调酒师耶！什么意思？他是卖酒的，喝酒的，还是评酒的？请进！ 保罗，这位是…………各位，各位，他就
是保罗。保罗……调酒大师。抱歉，我没听清楚你名字。保罗，是吗？我马上就好，我去，去……神魂恍惚啦？换衣服！请坐，两秒钟。我刚拔掉四
根睫毛，不妙。嗨，保罗！ 嗯，有何指教？一个小秘密，莫妮卡其实就喜欢这样，你摩擦她脖子的同一个地方，反反复复，直到那里开始有点发红
。乔伊你给我闭嘴！瑞秋，你打算如何渡过今晚？我应该在前往阿鲁巴渡蜜月的途中，因此没了！我懂，你没去渡蜜月。虽然阿鲁巴在此时……有很
多……大蜥蜴，如果你今晚不想独处，乔伊和钱德勒要到我那儿帮我组合新家俱，对，我们都相当兴奋。谢谢，但我今晚想待在这儿，我折磨了一天
。好吧，当然。菲此，想帮忙吗？我可以去，但我不去。爱情似炎炎夏日中的阵雨般美妙，love is a wondrous work o
f art,but your love oh your love,your love...is like a giant pige
on...crapping on my heart.啦-啦-啦-啦-啦- 谢谢。我应该用蜗杆将托架装在侧面，但我没看见托架和蜗杆，
而且，我的脚好麻。我想我们做好书架了。真漂亮。这是什么？我只能说这是个“L”型托架。是哪儿的？我也不知道。书架做好了！终于做好了！
这是卡罗最爱喝的啤酒。她总是不用杯子喝，我早应该看出蛛丝马迹。嗨…………如果你再这样，我们就走了。对啊，请不要破坏这里的乐趣。罗斯
，我问你一个问题。她分得家俱，音响和好电视。你分得什么？你们。天啊。你昏头了吧。嗯，天啊！嗯，天啊。我知道，我是个大白痴。她每周看
四五次牙医时我就该了解，我指牙齿能有多干净？我哥正承受着这种痛苦，一副失魂落魄的样子。你是怎么熬过来的？你可以不小心砸烂她贵着的东
西，如她的……她的…… ……腿？这样也不赖！我……我砸烂了她的表。你真的砸烂过她的表？哇！我做过的最坏的事情是，我撕碎了男朋友最喜
欢的浴巾。 嗯,机智脱身。 对啊。巴瑞，真是对不起。你一定认为此事与我那次说的话有关，关于你做爱时，穿着袜子，其实不是，问题出在我
身上，我……答录机又把我挂断了。不管怎样……瞧瞧，瞧瞧，我知道某个女孩会不可思议的，成为凡可?巴瑞太太，但那不是我，不是我。而我现
在连我自己是谁都不知道，但你还应该给我一个机会向你……我离婚啦！我才26岁就离婚啦！闭嘴！你还是停下来吧！我才花了一小时。看啊，罗
斯，你应该理解，我们认识不是太久，但你和一个女人相爱已经四年了，四年的封闭和分享，最后她把你的心都麻醉了，这就是我们为什么不这样做
！这还不是最重要的！你知道最可怕的是什么？万一每个人一生只有一个女人怎么办？我的意思是如果你只有一个女人时该怎么办？不幸地我唯一的
女人爱的是……她你在说什么？一个女人。那就像在说你只能吃一种口味的冰淇淋，罗斯，告诉你吧，冰淇淋的口种有千百种。有各种点心糖果冰淇
淋……你可以加上小糖条或是核果，或是奶油，这是你一生中最美好的事。你八岁时就结婚了吧？欢迎来到世界！ 抓住勺子！我真的不知道自己是
饥渴还是欲火焚身？那么就别碰我家的冰箱。自从她甩掉我之后我，什么？…………什么，你打算边嚼面条边讲？不，这就像是”第五次约会真情告
白”有第五次约会？不需要吗？需要，我想需要的。你刚才想说什么？这个……呃……自从她离开后，我就一直无法……没做过…………性方面的…
…天啊,天啊,对不起,对不起。没关系……你现在需要的应该不是让人吐口水吧。多久了？ 两年了。哇！真高兴你砸烂了她的表！你还想要第五
次约会？……当然想。我们今天来这里参加乔安妮?路易丝?坎宁安和查尔斯?恰棋-恰棋-恰棋?阿可勒的神圣婚礼。喔……看……乔安妮爱的是
恰棋。差别就在这儿！抓住勺子。知道我等着“抓这把勺子”等了多久吗？你对”此尔，别逞英雄”这句话有感觉吗？非常对不起！但我要走了，我
有个约会，和安德里亚……安吉拉……安德里亚……嗨，安吉拉喜欢尖叫，安德里亚养猫。对。谢谢。六月份了。我走了。是这样的。就算我鼓起勇
气约女人出去，但我要约谁呀？神奇吧？我这辈子从没泡过咖啡。真神奇。恭喜了。你看，我觉得只要我会泡咖啡，就没有什么不行。如果能侵入波
兰，就能征服一切。如果你兴致大发想做蛋饼，老实说我不太饿……好啊，Lenny和Squigy来啦。早安。早安。早安。早安,保罗。 你
好,保罗。 嗨,保罗,是吗？？谢谢你！太谢谢你了！好了！不行，我要告诉你昨晚就像我所有的生日，毕业典礼，和谷仓收获季节加在一起一样
。晚点打电话。好。谢谢。那还不叫约会？！那你真正的约会到底干些什么？闭嘴,把桌子抬回去。 好吧！孩子们，我要上班去了。如果我不输入
那些数字……也没什么关系……你们大伙儿都有工作？对，我们都有工作。这样才有钱买东西。对，我是个演员。我见过你吗？？大概没见过吧。我
大部份都是在地区性的节目中演出。等等，除非你看过小木偶的重播。这也算是工作吧？瞧，盖佩多，我是个活生生的小男孩。我不会理睬这种羞辱
。你说得对,抱歉。我曾是个小木偶……小木偶……告诉你们，他死定了。嗨，钱德勒？今天感觉如何？睡得还好吧？和巴瑞通过电话吗？我无法停
止笑。我看得出来。你这样子像是昨晚口中含着衣架睡觉。我知道，他是那么……还记得你和东尼戴马克？记得。就像那样。那样感觉。你惹上麻烦
了。大麻烦！需要婚纱吗？几乎没用过的。我想我们有点不知所以了。我要清醒，去工作。整天都不想他，或者只是清醒然后去工作。- 祝我幸运
！为什么？我要去找工作。嗨，莫妮卡！法兰妮，欢迎回来！佛罗里达如何？你们上床了，对不？你怎么看出来的？哦，我恨你，我推着我的洛兹阿
姨经过帕罗丛林，你却在做爱！和谁呀？认识保罗吗？保罗，那个调酒的？对，我认识保罗。你认识保罗像我认识他一样？爱说笑，他还得谢我呢。
遇到我之前他已有两年无法入道。显然他是骗你的！为什么？为什么会有人那样做？我想答案比”设法骗你上床”更复杂。我恨男人！我恨男人！不
，别恨，你也不想把他们丢出宇宙吧。问题出在我身上？难道我有特殊气味。只有狗和感情有严着问题的男人才闻得到。过来，脚给我。我以为他是
个好男人。我无法相信你不懂这是骗局。猜猜看？你找到工作了？开玩笑？ 我书都白念了！今天的十二个面试全泡汤了。不过你却异常兴奋。换成
是你，你也会一样。如果你遇见John and David的皮靴打五折。你真是太了解我了。这是我的新皮靴，我不需要工作，不需要父母，
因为我有新皮靴！你怎么付钱？信用卡啊。卡费谁费？我爸。天啊，好啦，有必要吗？我是说，我可以随时忍住挥霍的。成熟点，你不能靠你爸一辈
子。我知道，所以我选择结婚。饶了她吧，第一次独立并不轻松。谢谢。不客气。我记得我第一次来到纽约时的情况，当时我十四岁，我妈刚自杀，
我继父再度入狱，我在这儿人生地不熟。最后我和患白化症的男人同居。他为港务局的人清洗车窗。后来他自杀了。然后我找到芳香按摩治疗的工作
。所以请相信我你的心情我能体会。你需要的是，“无论如何”……好的，准备好了吗？不。不，不，我没准备好！我怎么会准备好呢？嗨，瑞秋！
你准备好不用降落伞跳出飞机吗？不行，我不行！你能行的, 我知道你能行！我不觉得.来吧，你会泡咖啡！你就什么都可以！来，剪，剪，剪，
剪……你们知道吗？我认为我们可以把它们留在那里。只做个象征性的姿势就可以了。瑞秋！ 那是借书卡！剪，剪，剪，剪，剪，剪，剪……知道
吗，如果你们仔细听，你们会听到上千的商家在尖叫。欢迎来到现实的世界。糟透了，但你会喜欢的！好，就到这。你要睡在沙发上吗？不，我要回
家。你没事吧？还好。嗨，看我在地板上发现什么？什么？那是保罗的手表。放回原地就好了。 好。晚安,各位。晚安。嗯……对不起。- 不，
不，不，走开-吃吧,我不饿。分开？行。你大概不知道我在高中时，肯定能迷死你。我知道。你知道？ 哦……我总想你认为我不过是莫妮卡的书
呆子哥哥。没错。你是否认为如果抛开其他不好的因素，我能偶尔约你出去吗？有时？有可能？好，或许吧……或许我会的……晚安。晚安。回头见
……等等，你怎么了？我刚“抓住了勺子”！我真不敢相信我的耳朵。我真不敢相信我的耳朵。我说你有一个……我说你有一个……你有完没完？我
的老毛病又犯了？没错！我是说你有一个不错的屁股，但不是个了不起的屁股。它又没跳起来咬过你，你怎么知道不是了不起。只是想象。谁要喝咖
啡？你煮的还只是端过来而已？端来而已。好,好,给我来杯咖啡。孩子们，新梦……我在拉斯维加斯。嗨，小姐？加点咖啡？嗯，劳驾，请递给那
个人？去啊。谢谢。对不起。好，拉斯维加斯。我在拉斯维加斯……我是丽莎明妮莉……102 The One With the Sonog
ram at the End[Scene Central Perk, everyone''s there.]Monica: What
you guys don''t understand is, for us, kissing is as important as
any part of it. Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y''serious? Phoebe: Oh,
yeah! Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica: Absolutely. Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pr
etty much like an opening act, y''know? I mean it''s like the stand
-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it''s not that we don''t like the comedian, it
''s that-that... that''s not why we bought the ticket. Chandler: Th
e problem is, though, after the concert''s over, no matter how gre
at the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian ag
ain, y''know? I mean, we''re in the car, we''re fighting traffic...
basically just trying to stay awake. Rachel: Yeah, well, word of
advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you''re gonna
find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Jo
ey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?Opening Credits[Sce
ne: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a co-worker (Marsha)
are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave
people.] Ross: No, it''s good, it is good, it''s just that- mm- doe
sn''t she seem a little angry? Marsha: Well, she has issues. Ross:
Does she？Marsha: He''s out banging other women over the head with
a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell
out of the carpet! Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? The
y have issues like ''Gee, that glacier''s getting kinda close.'' See
? Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn''t that your ex-wife? (Carol, Ro
ss''s ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outstide th
e exhibit.) Ross: (trying to ignore her) No. No. Marsha: Yes, it
is. Carol! Hi! Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about I''
ll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age. (Marsha extis and Ross
waves Carol into the exhibit.) Ross:Hi. Carol: So. Ross: You look
great. I, uh... I hate that. Carol: Sorry. You look good too. Ro
ss: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what''s ne
w? Still, uh... Carol: A lesbian? Ross: Well... you never know. H
ow''s, um.. how''s the family? Carol: Marty''s still totally paranoi
d. Oh, and, uh- Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol? Carol: I''m pr
egnant. Ross: Pregnant?! [Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Chandler, J
oey, Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three''s Company.]Chandler: O
h, I think this is the episode of Three''s Company where there''s s
ome kind of misunderstanding. Phoebe:...Then I''ve already seen th
is one! (Turns off the TV.) Monica: (taking a drink from Joey) Ar
e you through with that? Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed
me down. Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?! Chandler:
Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and th
en I realised I didn''t need it, so I balled it up and... (sees th
at Monica is glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead. (Monica st
arts to fluff a pillow.) Phoebe: She''s already fluffed that pillo
w... Monica, you know, you''ve already fluffed that- (Monica glare
s at her.) -but, it''s fine! Monica: Look , I''m sorry, guys, I jus
t don''t wanna give them any more ammunition than they already hav
e. Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about
the flatness of a child''s pillow. Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica
, you''re scaring me. I mean, you''re like, you''re like all chaotic
and twirly. And not-not in a good way. Joey: Yeah, calm down. Yo
u don''t see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they c
ome. Monica: That''s because as far as my parents are concerned, R
oss can do no wrong. Y''see, he''s the Prince. Apparently they had
some big ceremony before I was born. Chandler: (looking out the w
indow) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew! Monica: What? Chandler: Ugly N
aked Guy got a Thighmaster! All: Eeaagh! (Rachel enters from her
room.) Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring? Phoebe: Yeah,
it''s beautiful. Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh
God.... (Starts to look under the couch cushions.) Phoebe: No, lo
ok, don''t touch that! Rachel: Oh, like I wasn''t dreading tomorrow
enough, having to give it back to him... ''Hi Barry! Remember me?
I''m the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of y
our entire family!'' Oh God and now I''m gonna have to return the r
ing, without the ring, which makes it so much harder... Monica: E
asy Rach, we''ll find it. (To all) Won''t we! Chandler and Joey: Oh
! Yeah!Joey: Alright, when''d''ya have it on last?Phoebe: Doy! Prob
ably right before she lost it! Chandler: You don''t get a lot of ''
doy'' these days... Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I kn
ow I had it when I was in the kitchen with... Chandler: ...Dinah?
Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes something) Ohhhhh, do
n''t be mad... Monica: You didn''t. Rachel: Oh, I am sorry... Monic
a: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the lasagne through the
bottom of the glass pan.) Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those
noodles are! Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that''s not how you
look for an engagement ring in a lasagne... Monica: (puts down th
e lasagne) I just... can''t do it. Chandler: Boys? We''re going in.
(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as
there''s a knock on the door which Monica answers.) Ross: (standi
ng outside the door).....Hi. Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi.
Ross: Carol''s pregnant. Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned)
Ooh! I found it! Monica: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-... Ross: Yeah
. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right ab
out now. (He enters.) Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thin
g in perspective, huh, Mon? Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit
into this whole thing? Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want
me to be involved, but if I''m not comfortable with it, I don''t ha
ve to be involved basically it''s entirely up to me. Phoebe: She i
s so great! I miss her. Monica: What does she mean by ''involved''?
Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is don
e. Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing
with them tomorrow. Rachel: So what are you gonna do? Ross: I hav
e no idea. No matter what I do, though, I''m still gonna be a fath
er. (Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone turn
s and stares at him.) Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, righ
t?[Scene, Monica and Rachel''s, Monica and Ross are pouring wine f
or their parents.] Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin''s daughter is g
onna call you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What''s that curry taste? Mon
ica: Curry. Mrs. Geller: Mmmm! Ross: I- I think they''re great! I,
I really do. Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the Ludwins?
The big one had a thing for you, didn''t she? Mrs. Geller: They al
l had a thing for him. Ross: Aw, Mom... Monica: I''m sorry, why is
this girl going to call me? Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated,
and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I don''
t know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant- Monica: No Mom,
I don''t have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant. Mrs. Geller: W
ell, they don''t have to know that... (She starts to fluff the sam
e pillow Monica fluffed multiple times earlier.) Monica: Ross, co
uld you come and help me with the spaghetti, please? Ross: Yeah.
(They go to the kitchen.) Mrs. Geller: Oh, we''re having spaghetti
! That''s.... easy. Monica: I know this is going to sound unbeliev
ably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole bab
y/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat o
ff me. [Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.] Mrs. Geller: What th
at Rachel did to her life.... We ran into her parents at the club
, they were not playing very well. Mr. Geller: I''m not gonna tell
you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollar
s is a lot of money! Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chan
ce to leave a man at the altar... Monica: What''s that supposed to
mean? Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It''s an expression. Monica: No it''s
not. Mr. Geller: Don''t listen to your mother. You''re independent,
and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you we
re chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you wo
uld read alone in your room, and your puzzles... [Time Lapse.]Mr.
Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for t
he stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Othe
r people are satisfied with staying where they are- I''m telling y
ou, these are the people who never get cancer. [Time Lapse.] Mr.
Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, an
d I thank God ''Our Little Harmonica'' doesn''t seem to have that pr
oblem. Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ros
s, what''s going on with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into hi
s hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks? Ro
ss: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, u
h- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened b
etween Carol and me, and, so, well, here''s the deal. Carol''s a le
sbian. She''s living with a woman named Susan. She''s pregnant with
my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby. (Stunne
d silence ensues.) Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about th
is?! Commercial Break[Scene: Central Park, everyone''s there.] Joe
y: Your folks are really that bad, huh? Ross: Well, y''know, these
people are pros. They know what they''re doing, they take their t
ime, they get the job done. Monica: Boy, I know they say you can''
t change your parents,... boy, if you could- (To Ross) -I''d want
yours. Ross: Must pee. (Goes to pee.) Phoebe: Y''know, it''s even w
orse when you''re twins. Rachel: You''re twins? Phoebe: Yeah. We do
n''t speak. She''s like this high-powered, driven career type. Chan
dler: What does she do? Phoebe: She''s a waitress. Rachel: All rig
ht, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. (They all start to leav
e.) Monica: Chandler, you''re an only child, right? You don''t have
any of this. Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginar
y friend, who... my parents actually preferred. Rachel: The light
s, please..(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rach
el starts to clean up.? Ross enters from the bathroom.) Ross: ...
How long was I in there? Rachel: I''m just cleaning up. Ross: D''ya
.. uh.. Do you need any help? Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (S
he hands him the broom and sits down.) Ross: Anyway.. um.. (Start
s to sweep.) So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow? Rache
l: Oh.. a little.. Ross: Mm-hmm.. Rachel: A lot. Ross: Mm. Rachel
: So, got any advice? Y''know, as someone who''s recently been- dum
ped? Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word ''dumped''.
Chances are he''s gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y''kno
w, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it''ll be ha
rd. Or, y''know, uh, hey!, I''ll go down there, and I''ll give Barry
back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN
... Rachel: Oh, you''ve got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so co
mplicated? Ross: Got me. Rachel: Remember when we were in high sc
hool together? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: I mean, didn''t you think you w
ere just gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that''d be it? (Ross
gazes at her.) ..Ross? Ross: Yes, yes! Rachel: Oh! Man, I never
thought I''d be here.. (She leans back onto his hand.) Ross: Me ei
ther... (He pulls up a stool so that he doesn''t have to move his
hand.) [Scene: Carol''s OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.] Ross: (entering
) Sorry I''m late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosau
r.. thing.. anyway. (Susan enters holding a drink.) Susan: Hi. Ca
rol: Ross, you remember Susan. Ross: How could I forget? Susan: R
oss. Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol) Good shake
. Good shake. So, uh, we''re just waiting for...? Carol: Dr. Oberm
an. Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he- Susan: She. Ross: -she,
of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation? Carol
: Yes, and she''s very supportive. Ross: Okay, that''s great. (Susa
n gives her drink to Carol.) No, I''m- Oh.? Carol: Thanks. Ross: (
picks up a surgical instrament and mimes a duck with it) Quack, q
uack.. Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.
) [Scene Barry''s office, Barry is working on patient, Robbie, as
Rachel enters.] Rachel: Barry? Barry: Come in. Rachel: (hesitates
) Are you sure? Barry: Yeah! It''s fine, it''s fine. Robbie''s gonna
be here for hours. Robbie: Huh?! Barry: So, how ya doin? Rachel:
I''m- uh- I''m okay... You look great! Barry: Yeah, well.. Bernice
: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein''s gagging. Barry:
(answering the intercom) Be right there. (To Robbie and Rachel) B
e back in a sec. (As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.) Rachel
: I dumped him. Robbie: Okay. [Scene: Carol''s OB/GYN, they''re tal
king about how this is going to work.] Ross: So, um- so how''s thi
s, uh, how''s this gonna work? Y''know, with us? Y''know, when, like
, important decisions have to be made? Carol: Give me a ''for inst
ance''. Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don''t know, okay, okay, how about wi
th the, uh, with the baby''s name? Carol: Marlon- Ross: Marlon?! C
arol: -if it''s a boy, Minnie if it''s a girl. Ross: ...As in Mouse
? Carol: As in my grandmother. Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie,
you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia? Carol: Julia
.. Susan: We agreed on Minnie. Ross: ''S''funny, um, uh, we agreed
we''d spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll wi
th the punches. I believe Julia''s on the table..? [Scene: Barry''s
office, Rachel is doing her makeup in the mirror on Barry''s lamp
as Barry enters.] Barry: Sorry about that. So. What have you bee
n up to? Rachel: Oh, not much. I-I got a job. Barry: Oh, that''s g
reat. Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned? Barry: Oh, I, uh- I
went to Aruba. Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone? B
arry: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt. Robbie: Me?! Barr
y: No! (To Rachel) I went with Mindy. Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of
honour, Mindy?! Barry: Yeah, well, uh, we''re kind of a thing now.
Rachel: Oh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand) You''ve got plugs! Ba
rry: Careful! They haven''t quite taken yet. Rachel: And you''ve go
t lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye! Barry: N
ot for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you. Rachel: Okay..
Barry: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I''
ve ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I''m an orthodontist
. Rachel: Wow. Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought
we were happy. We weren''t happy. But with Mindy, now I''m happy.
Spit. Rachel: What? Robbie: Me. (Spits.) Rachel: Anyway, um, (Get
s the ring out of her purse.) I guess this belongs to you. And th
ank you for giving it to me. Barry: Well, thank you for giving it
back. (Barry and Rachel look at each other.) Robbie: Hello?! [Sc
ene: Carol''s OB/GYN, they''re still arguing about what to name the
baby.] Susan: Oh, please! What''s wrong with Helen? Ross: Helen G
eller? I don''t think so. Carol: Hello? It''s not gonna be Helen Ge
ller. Ross: Thank you! Carol: No, I mean it''s not Geller. Ross: W
hat, it''s gonna be Helen Willick? Carol: No, actually, um, we tal
ked about Helen Willick-Bunch. Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- wh
y is she in the title? Susan: It''s my baby too. Ross: Oh, ''s''funn
y, really? Um, I don''t remember you making any sperm. Susan: Yeah
, and we all know what a challenge that is! Carol: All right, you
two, stop it! Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I''m in the
re too. Carol: Ross. You''re not actually suggesting Helen Willick
-Bunch-Geller? ''Cause I think that borders on child abuse. Ross:
Of course not, I''m... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch. Susan: Oh,
no, nonononono, you see what he''s doing? He knows no-one''s gonna
say all those names, so they''ll wind up calling her Geller, then
he gets his way! Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Be
lieve me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life
being, this is not my way- y''know what? Uh, um, this is too hard.
I''m not, I can''t do- Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are
we today? Any nausea? All: Yeah. Yeah. A little. Dr. Oberman: We
ll, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for
sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back.. Ross: You- uh- y''know what, I
''m gonna go. I don''t- I don''t think I can be involved in this par
ticular thing right now. (He turns to go, but the sound of the so
nogram catches hes ear.? He returns and stares at it.)Ross: Oh my
God. Susan: Look at that. Carol: I know. Closing Credits[Scene:
Monica and Rachel''s apartment, everyone is watching the tape of t
he sonogram. ? Rachel is on the phone.]Ross: Well? Isn''t that ama
zing? Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here? Chandler: I d
on’t know, but.. I think it''s about to attack the Enterprise. Pho
ebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your
eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato. Ross: Then don''t do that
, alright? Phoebe: Okay! Ross: (walks over to where Monica is sta
nding) Monica. What do you think? Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm. Ro
ss: Wh- are you welling up? Monica: No. Ross: You are, you''re wel
ling up. Monica: Am not! Ross: You''re gonna be an aunt. Monica: (
pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up! Rachel: (on phone) Hi,
Mindy. Hi, it-it''s Rachel. Yeah, I''m fine. I-I saw Barry today. O
h, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it''s okay. I hope you two ar
e very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y''know, if-if everyt
hing works out, and you guys end up getting married and having ki
ds- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and yo
ur old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know i
t was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.102 参加助产训练班你们男生
不懂亲吻对女生的重要性没错，当真?当真.你想了解的一切全在初吻之中没错对我们而言亲吻就像是开场，就像佛洛伊飞船出场前，你得耐着性子
先看完脱口秀对，我们并非讨厌脱口秀，但那不是我们买票的原因问题出在于演唱会结束后，不论表演有多精采，你们女生总还想再看脱口秀，我们
在车上奋力杀出车阵，只是拼命让自己别睡着是哦?给你一个建议。叫脱口秀主持人再度上场，否则下次，你们只能坐家里听唱片我们还在谈论性吗
?不，这样很好，只是她看起来是不是有点生气吗?她有麻烦事.她有吗?他在外头乱搞女人，而她却待家里，设法去除地毯上乳齿象的味道玛莎，
他们是穴居人，他们关心的问题是冰河愈来愈接近了，懂吗?谈到问题,那不是你前妻吗?我的?不是是的,她是.嘿,你好是的,我到冰河期找你
编剧：马卡克夫曼大卫克恩你的气色好极了，我讨厌看到这样抱歉，谢了你的气色也很好，在这儿任何直立的人…，最近如何?还是…女同志?问问
无妨嘛，家庭生活如何?玛蒂的疑心病还是很重卡萝，为何来这儿?我怀孕了她似乎不急着离开，人和人，让人讨厌的就是有误会，他们之间有误会
我看过这一集喝完没?抱歉,吞下去的时间太慢这是谁的小纸团?我的，我写给自己一张便条，后来觉得自己不需要，于是将它揉成纸团，我不想活
了她已经拍松过那个枕头，摩妮卡，你已经拍过了枕头了?抱歉，各位，我只是不想，让他们有藉题发挥的机会没错，我们都知道，父母对孩子的枕
头要求有多苛刻。摩妮卡…，你吓到我了，你慌慌张张的，而且显得不是很好冷静,你没见过每次他们来时，罗斯有慌张的样子因为在我爸妈心目中
，罗斯不可能犯错，他是个王子，显然，他们在我出生前有个大型仪式。 什么?丑陋裸男有个”美腿器”有人看见我的订婚戒指吗?有，
很漂亮。糟了?，．嘿,不要动它们明天就要还他戒指，我似乎还不够担心。巴瑞，记得我吗?，我是那个穿白纱，让你在亲友面前出糗的人，天啊
，如今我必须还他戒指，戒指不见了，叫我如何面对他？别急，我们会找到的，对不?是呀,我们会的.最后一次戴是在什么时候?”孩仔”，大概
是在遗失之前这年头说”孩仔”的人不多我今天早上还戴它，我在厨房戴着做…面条？别生气对不起我就让你做了这么一件事情你看面条现在变得多
直摩妮卡，在千层面中找订婚戒指不是那样找我办不到我们很高兴做.语气并不开心卡萝怀孕了我找到了什,什,什么?你再持续两小时，就会变成
我这样如此一来，枕头的事就可先拦在一旁?你现在要怎么办?卡萝说她和苏珊想让我加入，但是对这件事我不太感到舒服,我不想卷进去.一切由
我做决定她人好好，我真想念她她所谓的”加入”代表什么?我猜,你大部分的工作已经结束了总之，她们要我和她们去做超音波检查你打算怎么做
?我也不知道，不管我怎么做我还是孩子的爹面已经被搅乱了，不是吗?玛莎路金的女儿会打电话给你怎么会有咖哩味?因为有放咖哩这东西很好吃
，真的你还记得路金一家人?他们的大女儿喜欢你，对不?他们家的女儿都喜欢他不要这样,妈妈抱歉，她为何要打电话给我?她刚毕业，想找份烹
饪的工作吧，我告诉她你开了一家餐馆不，妈，我没开餐馆，我在餐厅工作他们不需要知道罗斯，能帮我做义大利面吗?我们吃义大利面呀?太简单
了我知道这样要求过于自私，你能不能和他们说一下小孩/女同性恋之类的事?因为这样可以让我喘口气瑞秋到底怎么了?，我们在俱乐部遇见她父
母，他们很不开心我不想讲他们为此婚礼花了些什么，但是4万块不是个小数目?至少她有机会把一个男人留在教堂里的圣坛什么意思?没什么，随
便说说不，不是的，别听你妈乱讲话，你一直都很独立，就连你小时候，胖嘟嘟的一个朋友也没有，你还是活得好好的，你会待在你房里看书玩拼图
而像罗斯这种人则追求卓越，博物馆，发表论文…，其他人则安于现状告诉你，这种人不会得癌症我还知道，这些女人想拥有一切，幸好我们家的小
摩妮卡似乎没有这种问题罗斯，你呢?最近有什么新闻八卦之类可以和老爸老妈分享的好吧，我知道你们想了解我和卡萝之间倒底怎么了，事情是这
样的，卡萝是个女同志，她和一个名字苏珊的女人同居，她怀了我的孩子，并打算和苏珊共同抚养他这些你全都知道?你的状况真的很糟糕吗?你要
知道这些人十分专业,他们会躲在那里再来个突然袭击常言道：父母是无法交换的，如果可以，我要你的父母我要去尿尿了如果你是双胞胎，情况会
更惨你是双胞胎?对,我们不往来。她是一心追求事业的人她从事什么工作?服务生各位，我得打扫了钱德，你是独子?你没有这些困扰?没有。尽
管我有个想像中的朋友，而我爸妈比较喜欢他帮我关灯我在里面多久了?只是我要打扫了需要帮忙吗?好呀，谢了明天要见巴瑞，紧张吗?有一点很
紧张有任何建言吗?就一个最近刚被甩的人而言,你应该避免用”甩”这个字眼,现在他可能痛不欲生,因此你不该显得艳光照人.我知道这一点很
难做到.这样吧，我拿戒指还巴瑞,你陪卡萝及苏珊去做检查你明天得见卡萝,此事何时变得这么复杂?你可问倒我了还记得我们在高中时代吗?
记得你没想过自己会遇见心上人,谈恋爱,然后厮守终生吗?罗斯? 什么事?没想到自己会沦落到这个地步我也是抱歉，我迟到了,我忙得无法脱
身恐龙之类的事罗斯，记得苏珊吗?我怎能忘得了?罗斯苏珊,你好,她的手好有力,那么我们在等…欧伯曼大夫欧伯曼大夫他?，她她了解我们的
特殊状况?了解，而且她非常支持这太好了,不,我只是.谢了罗斯，那是用来打开我的子宫颈的巴瑞进来没问题?没问题,罗此得待在这儿好几个
小时最近好吗?你的气色好极了法大夫,杰森快没气了马上到我马上回来我甩了他哦.我们该如何处理此事?比方说某些重大的决定比如?比方说孩
子的名字马龙如果是个男孩马龙,如果是个女孩就叫米妮和米奇的女友同名?和我奶奶同名不管怎样,听到这个还是想到老鼠.朱莉亚如何?朱莉亚
?我们决定用米妮真幽默我们曾决定共同生活一辈子,世事难料，兵来将挡.茱莉亚，就这么决定抱歉,近来可好?混得过去，我刚找到工作这太好
了你为何晒得这么黑?我到阿鲁巴了你自己一个去渡蜜月?不是,我和… 你也许会很不好受我?不.我和明蒂去了我的伴娘明蒂?对，我们是认真
的你去做植发了?小心，还不固定你何时配隐形眼镜的?你不是讨厌将手指放进眼睛吗?还不是为了她. 我真的得感谢你一个月前我想伤害你,我
从未如此激动过,我是个整牙医师你说得没错,我以为我们会过得很快乐,我们不快乐.但是和明蒂在一起,现在我很快乐.吐掉什么?是和我说总
之，这东西属于你的.谢谢你送我谢谢你送还给我拜托，海伦有什么不好?海伦盖勒?不行她不会叫海伦盖勒的不，我是说她不姓盖勒难道她叫海伦
威利克老实说,我们考虑用海伦威利克班奇等等，为何有她的份?因为她也是我的宝宝是吗?我不记得女人也会制造精子我们都知道那是个极大的挑
战够了，你们两个，别吵了不，功劳全让她抢了.我也在场罗斯，你该不会想用海伦威利克班奇盖勒吧?因为这有虐待儿童之嫌当然没有,我想用盖
勒威利克班奇绝对不行,你看他，没人会叫她全名的.他知道别人只会叫她盖勒,这样他就得逞了我得逞?你认为这样算我得逞?相信我，我没想到
自己会沦落到这种地步,我是不得已的…有人在吗?今天如何，想呕吐吗?只是一点点我只是问准妈妈,很感谢你们的分享.躺好知道吗?我不加入
,我认为此时自己无法淌人这浑水我的天呀看啊我知道很神奇吧我们该看到什么?我不知道,可能是攻击企业号(星舰迷航记)如果你们把头稍微向
左偏,两眼放轻松,它样子就像是一个颗老马铃薯那么就不要那么干摩妮卡，你认为呢?你热泪盈眶?才没那我只是…你有,你热泪盈眶你就要成为
阿姨了闭嘴明蒂，我是瑞秋.我很好，我今天和巴瑞见面了.不，他告诉我了,没关系，真的.对，他告诉我了,我诚心祝福你们幸福快乐.如果一
切顺利，你们结婚生子,希望他们有他的发线和你的鼻子.我知道这招很贱,但我感觉好棒103 The One With the Thum
b[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.] Phoebe: (en
tering) Hi guys! All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how''d i
t go? Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and sai
d ''We should do this again!'' All: Ohh. Ouch. Rachel: What? He sai
d ''we should do it again'', that''s good, right? Monica: Uh, no. Lo
osely translated ''We should do this again'' means ''You will never
see me naked''. Rachel: Since when? Joey: Since always. It''s like
dating language. Y''know, like ''It''s not you'' means ''It is you''. C
handler: Or ''You''re such a nice guy'' means ''I''m gonna be dating l
eather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you''. Pho
ebe: Or, or, y''know, um, ''I think we should see other people'' mea
ns ''Ha, ha, I already am''. Rachel: And everybody knows this? Joey
: Yeah. Cushions the blow. Chandler: Yeah, it''s like when you''re
a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you
it went off to live on some farm. Ross: That''s funny, that, no, b
ecause, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to liv
e on a farm. Monica: Uh, Ross. Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millner
s'' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable
farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and i
t was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi! Opening Credits [Scene: Cha
ndler and Joey''s, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part.]C
handler: "So how does it feel knowing you''re about to die?" Joey:
"Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you''ll have t
o live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." Ch
andler: Hey, that was really good! Joey: Thanks! Let''s keep going
. Chandler: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?" Joey:
"I just wanna go back to my cell. ''Cause in my cell, I can smoke.
" Chandler: "Smoke away." (Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes an
d a lighter.? He fumbles and drops the lighter.? Then he lights a
cigarett, takes a drag, and coughs.)Chandler: I think this is pr
obably why Damone smokes in his cell alone. Joey: What? Chandler:
Relax your hand! (Joey lets his wrist go limp.) Chandler: Not so
much! Joey: Whoah! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Alright,
now try taking a puff. (Joey tries and visibly winces.) Chandler:
Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me. Joey: No no no, I am not givi
ng you a cigarette. Chandler: It''s fine, it''s fine. Look, do you
wanna get this part, or not? Here. (Joey reluctantly gives him th
e cigarette.) Chandler: Don''t think of it as a cigarette. Think o
f it as the thing that''s been missing from your hand. When you''re
holding it, you feel right. You feel complete. Joey: Y''miss it?
Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.
) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.) [Scene, Central Perk, e
veryone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.] Monica: No, no, no. T
hey say it''s the same as the distance from the tip of a guy''s thu
mb to the tip of his index finger. (The guys stretch out their fi
ngers.) Joey: That''s ridiculous! Ross: Can I use.. either thumb?
Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don''t tell me, don''t
tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. C
offee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I''m getting pretty good at
this! All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. Rachel: (leaving to serve other
s) Good for me! (The gang swaps all the drinks for what they orde
red as Phoebe enters.? She sits down without saying hi.)Joey: Y''o
kay, Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah- no- I''m just- it''s, I haven''t worked-
It''s my bank. Monica: What did they do to you? Phoebe: It''s nothi
ng, it''s just- Okay. I''m going through my mail, and I open up the
ir monthly, you know, STATEMENT- Ross: Easy. Phoebe: - and there''
s five hundred extra dollars in my account. Chandler: Oh, Satan''s
minions at work again... Phoebe: Yes, ''cause now I have to go do
wn there, and deal with them. Joey: What are you talking about? K
eep it! Phoebe: It''s not mine, I didn''t earn it, if I kept it, it
would be like stealing. Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it wo
uld be like shopping! Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let''s say I bought a re
ally great pair of shoes. Do you know what I''d hear, with every s
tep I took? ''Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.'' And even if I was hap
py, okay, and, and skipping- ''Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not
-mine, not-not-mine''... Monica: We''re with you. We got it. (Chand
ler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.) Phoebe: Okay.
I''d- just- I''d never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this
giant karmic debt. Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing? Monica:
(puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing? (Chandler tries to shrug nonc
halantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)All
: Oh! Oh, God! Ross: What is this?! Chandler: I''m smoking. I''m sm
oking, I''m smoking. Phoebe: Oh, I can''t believe you! You''ve been
so good, for three years! Chandler: And this- is my reward! Ross:
Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went throug
h the last time you quit. Chandler: Okay, so this time I won''t qu
it! All: Ohhh! Put it out! Chandler: All right! I''m putting it ou
t, I''m putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe''s coffee.) Phoebe:
Oh, no! I- I can''t drink this now! Monica: Alright. I''m gonna go
change, I''ve got a date. Rachel: This Alan again? How''s it goin''?
Monica: ''S''going pretty good, y''know? It''s nice, and, we''re havi
ng fun. Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy? Monica: Let''s se
e, today''s Monday... Never. All: Oh, come on! Come on! Monica: No
. Not after what happened with Steve. Chandler: What are you talk
ing about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry. Monic
a: Look, I don''t even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me
a chance to figure that out. Rachel: Well, then can we meet him?
Monica: Nope. Schhorry. [Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at
work.]Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I
bring a guy home, and within five minutes they''re all over him. I
mean, they''re like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the
herd. Paula: Listen. As someone who''s seen more than her fair sh
are of bad beef, I''ll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing
. I mean, they''re your friends, they''re just looking out after yo
u. Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I''d bring a guy home th
at they actually liked. Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of t
hat happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the
guy.. [Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Chandler is smoking out on the
balcony, Phoebe is absent.]Joey: Let it go, Ross. Ross: Yeah, we
ll, you didn''t know Chi Chi. Monica: Do you all promise? All: Yea
h! We promise! We''ll be good! Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandl
er? Do you promise to be good? (Chandler makes a ''Cross my heart''
sign.? It starts to rain and he taps on the window.)Joey: You ca
n come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outsid
e! (Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as a
n umbrella.)(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and be
gins to read a letter without saying hi.)Ross: Hey, Pheebs. Phoeb
e: ''Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error
. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We''re
sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you''ll accept this- (Search
es in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.'' Do you believ
e this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone! Rac
hel: What bank is this? (The intercom buzzes.) Monica: Hey. It''s
him. (On the intercom) Who is it? Alan: (on the intercom) It''s Al
an. Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He''s here! (Chandler c
omes in, dripping wet.) Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, pl
ease. Just remember how much you all like me. (She opens the door
and Alan enters.) Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody
, this is Alan. Alan: Hi. All: Hi, Alan. Alan: I''ve heard schho m
uch about all you guyschh! (Everyone laughs.)[Time lapse, Alan is
leaving.]Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I''ll call you tomorrow. (Alan
exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let''s let the Alan-bashing begin. Who
''s gonna take the first shot, hmm? (Silence.) Monica: C''mon! Ross
: ...I''ll go. Let''s start with the way he kept picking at- no, I''
m sorry, I can''t do this, can''t do this. We loved him. All: Loved
him! Yeah! He''s great! Monica: Wait a minute! We''re talking abou
t someone that I''m going out with? All: Yeah! Rachel: And did you
notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.) The Guys: (
reluctantly) Yeah. Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile w
as kinda crooked. Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! Ros
s: ...What shoe? Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. ''There was a cro
oked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a...
while...'' (Dubious pause.) Ross: ...So I think Alan will become t
he yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured
. Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could
be, y''know, it. Monica: Really! Chandler: Oh, yeah. I''d marry him
just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I''m gonn
a be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression) Ross: Yo
u know what I like most about him, though? All: What? Ross: The w
ay he makes me feel about myself. All: Yeah... Commercial Break [
Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, a
nd Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear.] Monica: Hi.. how was
the game? Ross: Well.. All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes! Monica: Fant
astic! I have one question: How is that possible? Joey: Alan. Ros
s: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny car
toon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead
of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...
Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a tea
m. Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing
or two about softball.. Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D
''you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.. Ross: What? Moni
ca: ..I dunno, a little too Alan? Rachel: Well, no. That''s imposs
ible. You can never be too Alan. Ross: Yeah, it''s his, uh, innate
Alan-ness that-that-that we adore. Chandler: I personally could
have a gallon of Alan. [Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a hom
eless person (Lizzie) she knows.] Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie. Lizzie: He
y, Weird Girl. Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup. Lizzie: Did y
ou pick out the vowels? Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. ''Cause
, y''know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you.
(She searches in her purse.) Lizzie: Saltines? Phoebe: No, but wo
uld you like a thousand dollars and a football phone? Lizzie: Wha
t? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, ther
e''s really money in here. Phoebe: I know. Lizzie: Weird Girl, wha
t are you doing? Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don''t want
it. Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something. Phoebe: Oh
, that''s fine, no. Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat? Phoebe
: No. ''Cause you need that. No, it''s okay, thanks. Lizzie: Please
, let me do something. Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda,
and then we''re even. Okay? Lizzie: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. [Scene: Ch
andler''s office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, ta
kes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and
takes some breath spray.? He types for a little while, opens the
drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette. ? While no
t paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, t
akes a squirt of air freshener and gags.][Scene: A Street, Phoebe
and Lizzie are at a hot dog vendor.]Lizzie: Keep the change. (To
Phoebe) Sure you don''t wanna pretzel? Phoebe: No, I''m fine. Lizz
ie: (leaves) See ya. (Phoebe opens the can and reacts.) Phoebe: H
uh! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her di
scovery.]Ross: A thumb?! (Phoebe nods.) All: Eww! Phoebe: I know!
I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there,
like this tiny little hitch-hiker! Chandler: Well, maybe it''s a
contest, y''know? Like, collect all five? Phoebe: Does, um, anyone
wanna see? All: Nooo! (Chandler lights a cigarette.)All: Oh, hey
, don''t do that! Cut it out! Rachel: It''s worse than the thumb! C
handler: Hey, this is so unfair! Monica: Oh, why is it unfair? Ch
andler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey''s constant knuckle-
cracking isn''t annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing ever
y single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mea
n, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why
can''t you accept me for this? (An awkward silence ensues.)Joey: .
..Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? Rachel: Well, I-I c
ould live without it. Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying,
or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? (Phoebe spits out her
hair.)Ross: Oh, now, don''t listen to him, Pheebs, I think it''s en
dearing. Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"? (Monica lau
ghs and snorts.) Ross: You know, there''s nothing wrong with speak
ing correctly. Rachel: "Indeed there isn''t"... I should really ge
t back to work. Phoebe: Yeah, ''cause otherwise someone might get
what they actually ordered. Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair come
s out, and the gloves come on. (They degenerate into bickering an
d Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)[Scene: Iridium,
Monica and Paula are working.]Monica: Did you ever go out with a
guy your friends all really like? Paula: No. Monica: Okay.. Well
, I''m going out with a guy my friends all really like. Paula: Wai
twait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got t
hrough! Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y''know what? I just don''t
feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don''t feel the thi
ng. Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if t
hat''s how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him! Monica: I kno
w.. it''s gonna be really hard. Paula: Well, he''s a big boy, he''ll
get over it. Monica: No, he''ll be fine. It''s the other five I''m
worried about. [Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting
Chandler about his smoking.]Joey: Do you have any respect for yo
ur body? Ross: Don''t you realise what you''re-you''re doing to your
self? Chandler: Hey, y''know, I have had it with you guys and your
cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom lin
e is, smoking is cool, and you know it. Rachel: (holding the phon
e out to Chandler) Chandler? It''s Alan, he wants to speak to you.
Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what''s
up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now
and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it''s not that big- ..well, that
''s true,.. Gee, y''know, no-one- no-one''s ever put it like that be
fore. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out
his cigarette.) Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he''s
good. Ross: If only he were a woman. Rachel: Yeah. (They give eac
h other a dubious look.)[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, everyond exc
ept Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.] Chandler: Ooh, Lambcho
p. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty ye
ars it''d be talking too. Ross: Okay. I think it''s time to change
somebody''s nicotine patch. (Does so.) Monica: (entering) Hey. Whe
re''s Joey? Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed h
im. Do you think that was wrong? Rachel: I think he''s across the
hall. Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.) Ross: (finishing chang
ing Chandler''s nicotine patch) There y''go. Chandler: (deadpan) Oo
h, I''m alive with pleasure now. Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have
the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs? Phoebe: Does anyone want the
rest of this Pop-Tart? Ross: Hey, I might! Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y''kn
ow, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for t
he thumb. All: You''re kidding. Oh my God. Phoebe: And on my way o
ver here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?! Joe
y: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the shower) W
hat''s going on? Monica: Nothing. I just think it''s nice when we''r
e all here together. Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear
their underwear.. Rachel: Uh, Joey.. Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly cl
oses his legs.) Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay.. All: Oh! That w
as Lambchop! Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk. Phoebe: Wait,
wait, I''m getting a deja vu...no, I''m not. Monica: Alright, we h
ave to talk. Phoebe: There it is! Monica: Okay. It''s-it''s about A
lan. There''s something that you should know. I mean, there''s real
ly no easy way to say this.. uh.. I''ve decided to break up with A
lan. (They all gasp and clutch each other.)Ross: Is there somebod
y else? Monica: No, nononono.. it''s just.. things change. People
change. Rachel: We didn''t change.. Joey: So that''s it? It''s over?
Just like that? Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you
start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewin
g her hair) Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending- Joey: Okay
! Monica: -but that wouldn''t be fair to me, it wouldn''t be fair t
o Alan- It wouldn''t be fair to you! Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y''k
now, I just want things back. Y''know, the way they were. Monica:
I''m sorry.. Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she''s sorry! I feel better!
Rachel: (tearful) I just can''t believe this! I mean, with the ho
lidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family- Monica: I''ll me
et somone else. There''ll be other Alans. All: Oh, yeah! Right! Mo
nica: Are you guys gonna be okay? Ross: Hey hey, we''ll be fine. W
e''re just gonna need a little time. Monica: (dubious) I understan
d. [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is breaking the news to Alan.]Ala
n: Wow. Monica: I''m, I''m really sorry. Alan: Yeah, I''m sorry too.
But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved. Monica: Relieved?
Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can''t sta
nd your friends. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, eve
ryone is mopping around and eating ice cream.] Rachel: Remember w
hen we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun. Ros
s: Yeah. He could row like a viking. Monica: (entering) Hi. All:
Mmm. Ross: So how''d it go? Monica: Oh, y''know.. Phoebe: Did he me
ntion us? Monica: He said he''s really gonna miss you guys. (dubio
us look) Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. c''mere. (She sits down
and Ross strokes her forehead.) Chandler: ...That''s it. I''m getti
ng cigarettes. All: No no no! Chandler: (leaving) I don''t care, I
don''t care! Game''s over! I''m weak! I''ve gotta smoke! I''ve gotta
have the smoke! Phoebe: (shouting as he leaves) If you never smok
e again I''ll give you seven thousand dollars! Chandler: (returns)
Yeah, alright.End103 飞来横财嗨,各位!嘿, 菲比! 嗨!嘿. 哦,哦,你的约会怎么样?不是很好,他送我到地
铁然后说:"我们应该再来一次!"哦,喔.怎么啦?他说要再来一次?那不是很好吗?不，他说我们应该再来一次代表你将无法再见到裸体的我什
么时候这样子的?一直都是这样,这是约会用语.就像...”问题不是出在你”代表”就是你””你真好”代表”我要和皮革族的酒徒约会然后向
你抱怨."还有还有,”我们该试试别人”代表”我已和别人约会了”大家都懂?对,这是善意的谎言没错，就像父母使小孩的狗安乐死时他们会说
它跑到别人家农场去住了真有意思不过我爸妈是真的把我们的狗送到别人农场去养了呃, 罗斯米纳家在康乃迪克州的农场米纳家他们家的农场好棒
有马还有可供追逐的兔子…噢,我的天,芝芝“知道自己不久人世有何感受?”“华顿，我的痛苦将在五分钟内消除但你得承受埋葬一个老实人的痛
苦！”嘿,表演得真好!是吗? 谢了，咱们继续吧好，“你要我怎么做，迪默，嗯？”我只想回到我的牢房内因为这样我才可以抽烟你就在这里抽
吧.我想这就是迪默自己一个在牢房里抽烟的原因什么?手放轻松,手腕自然点别太过火-哦! 嘿!-嘿!好, 吐口烟给我来不,我不能给你烟
无所谓的，你到底想不想演这个角色?好，别把它当成是支烟，把它当成是你想念多时的东西夹着它你感到自在你感到满足你很想它没那么严重.抽
烟噢,爽呀!不,不是这样的.他们说和拇指尖到食指尖的距离一样这太荒谬了随便哪个姆指都行?别告诉我…无咖啡因卡布其诺是乔依的纯咖啡拿
铁和冰茶我进步神速对, 对, 真好我真行菲此,你没事吧我还好只是太不值得了…我的银行他们对你怎么了?我看我的信件时看见他们的每月“
通知”别激动...我的户头多了五百元撤旦的奴才又开始活跃了没错，因为我得到银行找他们处理别傻了，留着自己用吧这些钱不是我的不是我赚
来的我留下来就如同偷窃如果你拿来花就如同购物好吧，就比方说我买了一双很棒的鞋你们知道我每踏出一步都会听到什么吗?不是我的…即使我再
快乐再雀跃都会听到不是我的…我们知道你的意思了我无法享受非份之财的乐趣这就像是业报一样钱德，你在干什么?嘿，你在干什么?噢,我的天
!这是什么?!我在抽烟…我真不敢相信你你这三年来一直表现良好这是我的奖励等等，想想你戒烟后是怎么活过来的所以这一次我不再戒了熄掉…
好吧,我熄掉就是拜托，我现在喝不了它了.(难道待会可以-_-!)我要去换衣服了我有个约会又是亚伦?进展得如何?进展的还不错.我们在
一起很开心我们何时能见到他?对啊!今天是星期一…永远别想…哦, 来嘛!不,不要再来像史提夫那次的事…你在说什么?我们都爱史...提
夫史...提夫很性...感抱歉我连自己对他有何感觉都还不知道给我一点时间想清楚那么到时我们可以见他罗?不行，抱歉我为何要让他们见他
?我带他回去后五分钟他们便蜂拥而上他们就像郊狼一样找弱者下手不愉快的场面我见多了告诉你这并不是一件坏事他们是你的朋友他们只是关心你
我知道我只希望带一个他们真正喜欢的男人回家你知道如果他们没见过他机会就更渺茫-不要这样子,罗斯,别再想了!你又不认识芝芝.你们都保
证?对，我们保证我们会很乖的钱德，你保证会很乖?你可以进来了,但你的滤嘴屁股朋友得呆在外面.嘿, 菲比亲爱的巴菲小姐谢谢你提醒我们
的错误我们已将五百元存人你的户头造成不便之处请多包涵请接受此足球电话…作为礼物你们懂意思吗?现在我多了一千元和一个足球电话这是哪家
银行?他来了是谁啊?亚伦钱德，他来了拜托，别乱来记得你们有多么爱我嗨，亚伦，这是大家各位，这是亚伦嗨嗨，亚伦我对各位已如雷灌耳谢谢
，我明天再打电话给你好了，开始攻击亚伦吧谁先开始?来呀我来我们从他一直...…抱歉，我办不到...我们爱他…他太棒了...等等，我
们谈的是我约会的对象吗?是啊你们都有注意到?是啊...知道他什么最棒吗?他的微笑有点邪邪的对，就像是鞋里的男人什么鞋?童谣里的有个
驼背的人有着扭曲的微笑他住在鞋子里，一阵子我想亚伦将成为日后男友被丈量的标准什么日后男友?不，我想他就是了真的呀?光凭他学海滩游侠
的样子我就想嫁给他了”我要去参加派对”知道我最喜欢他哪一点?哪一点？他改变我看待自己的方式嗯...嗯...嗨！比赛如何?怎么说呢.
我们赢啦! 谢谢! 太棒啦!太好了! 我有一个问题: 这怎么可能呢?亚伦真是太不可思议了他就像兔宝宝卡通里,兔宝宝守每个位置我们虽
没有兔宝宝但我们有一垒手亚伦、二垒手亚伦、三垒手亚伦...他使我们形成一个团队对，我们让对手见识到什么叫垒球没错能问你们一个问题吗
?你是否曾感觉亚伦有时…有时怎样?我说不上来，有点太亚伦了?不，不可能他不可能太过于亚伦没错我们欣赏的是亚伦的内在我个人可以喝下一
加仑的亚伦嘿,露西嘿,古怪女孩我带字母汤来给你你挑掉有母音吗?但我把“Y”留下来了因为有时你会用的上,为什么(Why,音同Y)我还
带了其他东西给你咸鱼吗?不, 但你想要一千元和足球电话吗?什么?天啊，这里真的有钱怪女孩，你在干什么?我要给你，我不想要不，我得拿
点东西给你不，不用了你要我的锡箔纸帽帽吗?不要，因为你需要它不用了，谢谢求你让我表示我的谢意好，这样吧你请我喝汽水，我们就扯平了，
好吗？好吧好吧不用找了谢谢你，莉兹你真的不要椒盐卷饼?不,不用了,谢谢再见一个拇指?!我知道我打开时它就浮在里面像个搭便车的或者这
是一场竞赛集满五个有奖?你们想看看吗?不,不,不...嘿，嘿，别那样！拜托！这比拇指更坏！嘿，这很不公平啊！为何不公平?好，我有个
缺点，怎么了?乔依常扳指关节就不惹人厌?罗斯把每个音发得太清楚摩妮卡大笑时的鼻音搞什么嘛？！我接受大家所有的缺点为什么大家就不肯接
受我的这个缺点呢?扳指关节很惹人厌吗?我觉得有点点烦那声音只是一点点惹人厌...还是像菲此咬她的头发一样惹人厌?菲此，别介意我觉得
那样很可爱哦，真的？是吗？咬字清晰又不犯法没错我该回去工作了没错，否则有人就会拿到他们真正点的东西了哦...全都发泄出来了你曾和一
个你朋友都喜欢的男人约会吗?没有我在和一个我朋友都喜欢的男人约会我们在谈郊狼吗?一头牛居然全身而退你能相信吗?你知道吗? 我毫无感
觉...他们有感觉...而我却毫无感觉！你应该要有感觉的啊！听着，如果你对他没感觉就把他甩了呀！我知道，但很难没错，但他是大人了，
他会熬过去的不，他没事我担心的是其他五人难道你不尊重你的身体吗?你不知道你在残害你的身体?我受够你们了还有你们的癌症，肺气肿和心脏
病至少抽烟很酷这点你们也很清楚钱德，亚伦找你真的？他找我？老兄，什么事?她告诉你了?对，我偶尔会犯烟瘾对，现在没那么糟这倒是真的天
啊，没人这么说过好的，谢谢天啊，他真神如果他是个女人那该有多好是啊...小羊排那袜子到底有多旧了?如果我手上戴着袜子三十年它也会开
始说话了有人该换尼古丁贴片了嘿，乔依在哪儿?乔依吃了我的最后一片口香糖所以我就把他杀了你认为这样不对吗?我想他在对面好啦.哦，我又
重拾快乐的生活了菲此，你还想吃那个吗？菲比？谁想吃剩下的?我要抱歉汽水公司那些笨蛋给我七千元当姆指的补偿金天啊！七千元！别闹了！然
后在来这的路上我又踩到口香糖了这世界到底怎么了?怎么啦?没什么，只是觉得大伙儿在一起很温馨如果大家都有穿内裤会更好Joey,你那里
...天呀 好..哦！那是小羊排！好了,大家,我们必须得谈谈.等等，我有似曾相识的感觉,不,好像没有好吧,我们需要谈谈.瞧,来了是
有关亚伦的事有件事应该让你们知道真的很难启齿我决定和亚伦分手有第三者?没有...只是世事难料，人都会变我们没变啊就这样...就这样
结束了？就这样了？当你放下防御，真心对待一个人…我可以继续伪装…好啊！不，这样对我不公平对亚伦不公平对你们大家也不公平是吗?谁要公
平?我只想要回失去的，回到往日我很抱歉哦,她说抱歉,我感觉好多了我真是不敢相信假期就要来临了我还想带他去见我的家人我会找到新欢的，
会有另一个亚伦是呀,另一个.你们不会有事吧?嘿，嘿，我们会好起来的我们只是需要一点时间我了解哇..我真的很抱歉我也很抱歉但我也真的
松了一口气.松了一口气?对，我和你在一起很开心只是我受不了你朋友记得我们到中央公园划船吗?那真好玩是啊，他划得就像维京人一样嗨.嘿
.情况如何?嗯，你知道...他有提到我们吗?他说他会想念你们的悲惨的一天?你无法体会来...我受够了,我要抽烟不行…我管不了那么多
了我投降，我是懦夫，我要抽烟，我要抽烟！如果你不再抽烟我就给你七千块好吧,没问题.104 The One With George
Stephanopoulos[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey
.] Monica: Alright. Phoebe? Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipot
ent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, goo
d things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs! Ross: Yeah, see.
. you took mine. Chandler, what about you? Chandler: Uh, if I wer
e omnipotent for a day, I''d.. make myself omnipotent forever. Rac
hel: See, there''s always one guy. (Mocking) "If I had a wish, I''d
wish for three more wishes." (Joey enters.) All: Hey Joey. Hi. H
ey, buddy. Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnip
otent? Joey: Probably kill myself! Monica: ..Excuse me? Joey: Hey
, if Little Joey''s dead, then I got no reason to live! Ross: Joey
, uh- OMnipotent. Joey: You are? Ross, I''m sorry.. Opening Credit
s[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are watching Phoebe sleep.
]Monica: How does she do that? Ross: I cannot sleep in a public p
lace. Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful. Phoebe:
(waking and startling them) Oh! What what what! ...Hi. Ross: It''s
okay, y''know, you just nodded off again. Monica: What''s going on
with you? Phoebe: I got no sleep last night! Ross: Why? Phoebe:
My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they''re both kind of i
nsecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they''re constantly, like, having
to reassure each other that they''re having a good time. You have
no idea how loud they are! Monica: Well, if you want, you can st
ay with Rachel and me tonight. Phoebe: Thanks. (Chandler and Joey
enter.? Joey is counting his steps.) Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninet
y-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps f
rom our place to here. Chandler: You got waaaay too much free tim
e. Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here''s the birthday boy! Ross, check it o
ut: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and
we''re taking you. Chandler: Happy birthday, pal! Joey: We love yo
u, man. (Kisses Ross) Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months a
go. Joey: So? Ross: So, I''m guessing you had an extra ticket and
couldn''t decide which one of you got to bring a date? Chandler: W
ell, aren''t we Mr. "The glass is half empty." Ross: Oh my God, oh
- is today the twentieth, October twentieth? Monica: Oh, I was ho
ping you wouldn''t remember. Ross: Ohhh. Joey: What''s wrong with t
he twentieth? Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the go
od costumes are gone? Ross: Today''s the day Carol and I first.. c
onsummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.) Sex. ..Y
ou know what, I-I''d better pass on the game. I think I''m just gon
na go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. Joey
: The hell with hockey, let''s all do that! Chandler: (trying to s
top Ross leaving) C''mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys'' night ou
t, c''mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the s
tomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh? Ross: What are you doing? Chandler: (stop
s) I have no idea. Joey: C''mon, Ross! Ross: Alright, alright, may
be it''ll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thum
b finger? Chandler: You got it.(Rachel runs up cluching an envelo
pe.) Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay check! Look a
t the window, there''s my name! Hi, me! Phoebe: I remember the day
I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mine
s, and eight people were killed. Monica: Wow, you worked in a min
e? Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why? Rachel: God, isn''t thi
s exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk
for it, and it was totally—(opens envelope)—not worth it. Who''s F
ICA? Why''s he getting all my money? I mean, what- Chandler, look
at that. Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is not that bad. Joey: Oh,
you''re fine, yeah, for a first job. Ross: You can totally, totall
y live on this. Monica: Yeah, yeah. Ross: Oh, by the way, great s
ervice tonight. All: Oh! Yeah! (They all get their wallets out an
d give generous tips.)Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are blo
cked by three of Rachel''s friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne.? The
guys pause to stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.) Leslie
: (looking around) Rachel? Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Ki
ki, and Joanne all scream and hug each other. Monica: (to Phoebe)
I swear I''ve seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom. Rachel: What ar
e you guys doing here? Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping,
and your mom said you work here, aaand it''s true! Joanne: Look at
you in the apron. You look like you''re in a play. Rachel: (to a
pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you are so big I can''t believe it!
Leslie: I know. I know! I''m a duplex. Rachel: (to Joanne) So what
''s going on with you? Joanne: Well, guess who my dad''s making par
tner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream agai
n.) Kiki: And while we''re on the subject of news.. (She holds up
here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream a
gain.) Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows! (They screa
m.)[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a can to each
other.]Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to
Joey.) Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there''s the pass
! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shop window.)
Chandler: We''ll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look
at some women''s shoes. Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like t
hose the night that we- we first- y''know. Fact, she, uh- she neve
r took''em off, ''cause we-we- (off Chandler''s look) Sorry. Sorry.
(They walk on.? Chandler and Joey start to talk but Ross stops an
d whines.) Joey: What? Ross: Peach pit. Chandler: Yes, Bunny? Ros
s: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had- Joey: -Peaches?
Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically... Chandler: (to Joey)
Could''ve been a peach. Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and
I-I... I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the
bus stop... I''m fine.Joey: Hey, that woman''s got an ass like Car
ol''s! (They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying t
o find stuff. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joa
nne are talking.]Rachel: So c''mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt
! Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the
altar! Joanne: Alright. Let''s talk reality for a second. Rachel:
Okay. Joanne: When are you coming home? Rachel: What? Guys, I''m n
ot. Joanne: C''mon, this is us. Rachel: I''m not! This is what I''m
doing now. I''ve got this job- Kiki: Waitressing? Rachel: Okay, I''
m not just waitressing. I''m.. I, um... I write the specials on th
e specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flow
ers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put
the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies. Leslie: Well. Your
mom didn''t tell us about the blobbies.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''
s, Phoebe and Monica are in pajamas and Monica is making somethin
g in the blender as Rachel enters.] Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it
with your friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you
like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blende
r into some glasses.) Rachel: What''s that? Monica: Weeeell, it''s
rum, and- Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.)
Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we''d hav
e kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines,
we got cookie dough, we got Twister... (The phone rings and Moni
ca answers it.) Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, u
m, I lost the tweezers, so we can''t operate. But we can prep the
guy! Monica: Uh, Rach, it''s the Visa card people. Rachel: Oh, God
, ask them what they want. Monica: (on phone) Could you please te
ll me what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To R
achel) Um, they say there''s been some unusual activity on your ac
count. Rachel: But I haven''t used my card in weeks! Monica: That
is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you''re okay
. Rachel: They wanna know if I''m okay. Okay.. they wanna know if
I''m okay, okay, let''s see. Well, let''s see, the FICA guys took al
l my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting
promoted, or getting pregnant, and I''m getting coffee! And it''s
not even for me! So if that sounds like I''m okay, okay, then you
can tell them I''m okay, okay? Monica: (pauses then on the phone)
Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back? Rachel: Alri
ght, c''mon! (Miserably) Let''s play Twister![Scene: Madison Square
Garden, the guys are trying to find their seats.] Ross: (squeezi
ng past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh. Chandler: What? There was
ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand ang
ry Pittsburgh fans? Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks
like we''re not sitting together. But now you mention it, there w
as ice there that night... It was the first frost... Joey: C''mon,
sit. Just sit down, sit. [Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, they''re al
l hanging out in the living room.]Monica: You should feel great a
bout yourself! You''re doing this amazing independence thing! Rach
el: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And
for what? Phoebe: You are just like Jack. Rachel: ...Jack from do
wnstairs? Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk. Monica: Ah, the oth
er Jack. Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then
he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was thi
s, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and s
tuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village.. R
achel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an
orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn''t love him- Phoebe
: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow. Rachel: But see, it was a plan.
Y''know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything''s j
ust kinda like... Phoebe: Floopy? Rachel: Yeah. Monica: So what,
you''re not the only one. I mean, half the time we don''t know wher
e we''re going. You''ve just gotta figure at some point it''s all go
nna come together, and it''s just gonna be... un-floopy. Phoebe: O
h, like that''s a word. Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if
it doesn''t come together? Monica: ...Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh, well...
''cause.... you just... I don''t like this question. Rachel: Okay,
see, see, you guys, what if we don''t get magic beans? I mean, wh
at if all we''ve got are.. beans? [Scene: Madison Square Garden, t
he guys are watching the game.]Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! G
et- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal! Chandler: (to Ross) See
buddy, that''s all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting eac
h other with sticks. Ross: Pass it! Pass it! Chandler: He''s open!
All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! (The player shoots and the puck flies
off the rink and hits Ross in the face.? Chandler looks concered
until he notices...) Chandler: Hey, look, we''re on that TV thing!
(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.) Comm
ercial Break[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey are lead
ing Ross in.]Chandler: (to the receptionist)''Scuse me. Receptioni
st: (holds up her hand—she is on the phone) It says to call this
number if you''re not completely satisfied with this candy bar. We
ll, I''m not completely satisfied. Chandler: Listen, it''s kind of
an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we''d be in the pred
icament room. (The receptionist glares at him.) Receptionist: (on
phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill these out, sit over there. (T
osses him some forms.) Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, I don''t
wanna make any trouble, okay, but I''m in a lot of pain here, alri
ght? My face is dented. Receptionist: Well, you''ll have to wait y
our turn. Joey: Well, how long do you think it''ll be? Receptionis
t: (sarcastic) Any minute now. Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a
look and the guys back off) Heyy... [Scene: Monica and Rachel''s,
the slumber party continues.]Rachel: I''m so sorry, you guys. I di
dn''t mean to bring you down. Monica: No, you were right. I don''t
have a plan. (There''s a knock on the door.) Pizza Guy: (yelling f
rom outside) Pizza guy! Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to ans
wer the door.) Monica: Phoebe? Phoebe: What? Monica: Do you have
a plan? Phoebe: I don''t even have a ''pl''. Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh,
mushroom, green pepper and onion? Rachel: (miserably) No, no, th
at''s not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extr
a cheese. Pizza Guy: Wait, you''re not ''G.Stephanopoulos?'' Man, my
dad''s gonna kill me! Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs
up) Wait! Did you say ''G.Stephanopoulos?'' Pizza Guy: Yeah. This o
ne goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, boneh
ead, bonehead! Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy
with curiously intelligent good looks? Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sou
nds about right. Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit? Pho
ebe: And-and a power tie? Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel
. Monica: (staggered) Oh God. Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to t
ake this back? Monica: Are you nuts?! We''ve got George Stephanopo
ulos'' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and
runs to the window.) Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who''s George Snuffalopag
us? Phoebe: Big Bird''s friend. Monica: I see pizza! Phoebe: Oh, I
wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs up and takes the bino
culars.) Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on? Monica: White House
adviser? Clinton''s campaign guy? The one with the great hair, se
xy smile, really cute butt? Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh,
I love him! Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman. Monica: Plea
se tell me it''s his mother. Phoebe: Definitely not his mother. Mo
nica: Oh, no... Phoebe: Oh, wait, she''s walking across the floor.
. she''s walking.. she''s walking.. she''s going for the pizza- (Yel
ling) Hey, that''s not for you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth wi
th her hand walks away from the window.) [Scene: The Emergency Ro
om, Joey is miming hockey pucks kitting foreheads.? Chandler real
ises it''s getting tense and goes to the receptionist again.]Chand
ler: Excuse me, look, we''ve been here for over an hour, and a lot
of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that gu
y with the toe thing? Who''s he sleeping with? (She slides the gla
dd panel over and Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh,
c''mon Dora, don''t be mad... I know we both said some things we d
idn''t mean, but that doesn''t mean we still don''t love each other.
(To the waiting room.) Y''know, I feel like I''ve lost her.. (She
slides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) B
a-! [Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, the girls are all out on the bal
cony.]Monica: Light still out? Rachel: Yeah. Monica: Oh. Maybe th
ey''re- napping. Rachel: Oh please, they''re having sex. Monica and
Phoebe: Shut up! Rachel: So, whaddya think George is like? Monic
a: I think he''s shy. Phoebe: Yeah? Monica: Yeah. I think you have
to draw him out. And then- when you do- he''s a preppy animal. [S
cene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about his first
night with Carol.]Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through t
he window- and her face had the most incredible glow. Chandler: Y
es, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- C
ould I get some painkillers over here, please? Joey: He''s right,
enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept w
ith her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven
years after that. Ross: Look, it''s just a little more complicate
d... Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? T
hat she likes women? That she left you for another woman that lik
es women? Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there''s a man on the
twelfth floor in a coma that didn''t quite hear you... Chandler:
Then what? Ross: My first time with Carol was... (He mumbles the
last part) Joey: What? Ross: It was my first time. Joey: With Car
ol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh. Chandler: So in your whole life,
you''ve only been with one—(He gets a look too)—oh. Joey: Whoah,
boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff w
e could''ve done tonight! [Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, the girls a
re still out on the balcony.]Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do yo
u remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so muc
h? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha
haaaah! Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don''t feel s
o bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley. Monica: What?! You slept
with Jason? Phoebe: You''d already broken up. Rachel: How long? Ph
oebe: A couple hours. Monica: Oh, that''s nice! Rachel: Okay, okay
, okay, I got one! (She sits up and the cushion she was leaning a
gainst falls off of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rol
lerson left in your locker was really from me. Monica: Excuse me?
! Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one? (To Phoeb
e) She was a big girl. Monica: Really. Well, at least ''big girls''
don''t pee in their pants in seventh grade! Rachel: I was laughin
g! You made me laugh! (Monica and Rachel start to squabble) Phoeb
e: There he is! There he is! Monica: Where? Phoebe: Right- where
we''ve been looking all night! Rachel: He is so cute! Monica: Oh,
George, baby, drop the towel! All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel!
Please drop the—(pause)—wowww. [Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross
is absent.]Joey: Man. Can you believe he''s only had sex with one
woman? Chandler: I think it''s great. Y''know, it''s sweet, it''s rom
antic... Joey: Really? Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy''s a fre
ak.. (Ross enters off camera) Both: Hey, buddy. Ross: Hi. (He is
wearing a piece of steel bandaged to his nose.? He tosses some fo
rms onto reception desk.) Receptionist: (sarcastic) Oh, that''s at
tractive. Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of th
e Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun
tonight. Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, whi
ch part was the fun part? Where''s my puck? Joey: Oh, ah- the kid
has it. Ross: The kid...? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh, that''s, tha
t''s my puck. Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. (R
oss looks at Chandler for help.) Chandler: You gotta do it, man.
Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I''m rubber, you''re glue, whatev
er—(to Chandler)—can''t do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back
my puck. Kid: No. Ross: ''Yes'', how about. C''mere. Gimme! Kid: No
! No! (They start to fight over it.) Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No r
ough holding in my ER! Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GI
VE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the
receptionist) Ross: ...Now that was fun. Closing Credits[Scene:
Monica and Rachel''s, Joey and the girls are playing twister.]Ross
: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot red. Monica: Coul
d''ve played Monopoly, but nooooo. (There''s a knock on the door, C
handler opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.) Chandler:
Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves) Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand
blue. (Phoebe has to bend over.)Good. (Joey stares at her butt a
ppreciatively) (The phone rings and Chandler answers it.) Chandle
r: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it''s the Visa card people. Rachel: Oh,
okay. Will you take my place? Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes,
this is Rachel. Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phone and Chandler t
akes her place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah,
no, I know, I-I haven''t been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well,
thanks, but, I''m okay, really. Ross: Green. To the green. Rachel:
(on phone) I''ve got magic beans. (Listens) Never-never mind. Cha
ndler: To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse) Rachel:
(on phone) Ohhh... I''m fine.End104 （克林顿亲信助手）乔治?史特喷那彼拉斯先生菲比如果有一天我
变得全能我要世界和平，不再有饥饿雨林不再遭受破坏还有更大的胸部你说了我的愿望钱德，你呢？如果有一天我变得全能我要让自己变得永远全能
看吧，总有这样的人“给我一个愿望，我就要更多的愿望”乔依，如果你变得全能你希望做什么？大概是自杀吧什么？如果小乔依死了我就没再活下
去的理由乔伊，全能(不是无能)你是？对不起她是怎么办到的我在公共场合根本睡不着你看她，睡得那么安祥制片：陶德史帝芬什么事？没事，你
只是又打瞌睡了你是怎么了？我昨晚没睡好为什么？导演：詹姆斯布罗我祖母交了一个新男友他们俩在床上翻来覆去还有耳聋…于是两人不断确定彼
此是否尽兴简直是吵死人了如果愿意你今晚可以和我及瑞秋睡谢了95，96，97我说得没错吧从我的住处到这儿不到一百步你可真闲他就是今天
的寿星？瞧，冰球赛门票骑兵队与企鹅队今晚在花园球场我们要带你去看生日快乐,老兄我们爱你你们真幽默我的生日在七个月前所以呢？一定是你
们多了一张票找不到人一起去看我们不是悲观之人天啊，今天是10月20号我正希望你没记起来20号有什么不对劲吗？万圣节的前十一天？所有
的好服装都被抢走？今天是我第一次和卡萝…进行肉体接触…作爱我不去看球赛了我还是回家想着我的前妻和她的爱人吧去他的曲棍球我们回去一起
想吧罗斯，别这样你，我和乔伊，冰人夜游怎样，大个儿？你打算干吗？我不知道拜托,罗斯好吧,或许能让我忘记伤痛但你要帮我买个大手指一定
大家看，我的第一份薪水看看这框框，上面有我的名字是我我记起拿到第一份薪水的那一天矿场塌陷八人惨遭活埋你在矿场工作？不，我在黛莉冰淇
淋工作，干嘛问？真叫人兴奋，我赚来的每天擦桌椅蒸牛奶这真是太…不值得了谁是FICA？为何他拿走我所有的钱？钱德，你看没那么糟就第一
份薪水而言你已经算不错了单靠它就够你过日子了没错对了,优秀的服务员没错球赛！球赛！瑞秋天呀我发誓我在动物园也看过这种场面什么风把你
们吹来的？我们到市区逛街又听你妈你在这儿工作结果是真的瞧你的围裙好像在演戏一般看看你，你的肚子好大我简直不敢相信我知道，我变成两倍
大你近来可好？你猜我爸和谁合伙？还有我们的话题看，我有手腕罗斯将球传给李奇李奇看见纳斯有空档一记妙传我们先暂停一下纳斯正停下来看女
鞋那一夜卡萝穿着那种靴子在我们的第一次...老实说她没脱下因为我们…对不起瞧什么？桃核怎么样？那天晚上我们...吃了桃子？事实上是
蜜桃但基本上...可能是桃子然后我们穿上衣服我送她到公车站牌我没事那女人的臀部和卡萝的一样什么？我以为我们在找东西好了，你们快点跟
我讲八卦最大的八卦还是你在圣坛前抛下巴瑞好了，我们来谈点正经的你打算何时回家？什么？我不回家拜托，我们是好姐妹我不回家我要在这儿工
作我有工作当女服务生？我不只是当女服务生我...写下每日特餐摘下瓶中枯死的花朵有时老板还会让我在饼干上涂上巧克力酱你妈没有提起巧克
力酱瑞秋，和朋友聊得如何？想喝杯鸡尾酒吗？里面什么？是郎姆酒,还有知道了既然菲此要来过夜谈通宵我们就买了一些八卦杂志饼干面团和扭体
游戏我带了”手术”游戏来不过我把镊子弄丢了,所以玩不了了不过我们可以演练下瑞秋，是信用卡的人打来的问他们想干什么请问有什么事吗？好
，稍待他们说你的账户有问题可是我已好几个星期没刷卡了问题就出在这儿他们想知道你是否没事他们想知道我是否没事？我想看看FICA把我的
钱全拿走了我认识的朋友不是结婚怀孕就是升职而我只是端咖啡而且还不是端给自己喝如果这样叫没事的话就告诉他们我没事，好吗？瑞秋刚出去，
你能再打来吗？好吧，我们来玩扭体游戏吧对不起，对不起怎么了？你和卡萝那一夜有冰？塑胶座位？四千名愤怒的匹兹堡球迷？不，我是说我们可
能不会坐在一起既然你已提起没错，那一夜有结冰第一次结霜坐下吧你应该感到自豪才对你正在学习了不起的独立摩妮卡，有什么了不起可言？我放
弃一切到底是为了什么？你和杰克没两样楼下的杰克？不，是杰克与魔豆另一个杰克对，他放弃某些东西但是得到了魔豆他起床后发现窗外有棵大树
充满一切可能他住在一个村庄你住在一个村庄…菲此，杰克放弃了牛我放弃了一个整牙医生我知道我并不喜欢他杰克深爱着那头牛那是有预谋的，一
切都很清楚。可是现在所有事都...不顺利？对不是只有你才这样我们也常不知自己何去何从你得仔细想清楚自然就能步上轨道这样才能...诸
事顺利真能拼但如果无法步上轨道呢？菲比因为你…我不喜欢这个问题瞧，如果我们没拿到魔豆吗？只拿到一般的豆子呢？宰掉他…笑不出来了吧，
老兄那正是你需要的一群以棍子互打的无齿之徒快传，他有空档射门,射门瞧，我们上电视了我抢到了上面说不满意这条巧克力糖可以拨这个号码我
并不满意这是紧急事件我想你很清楚否则我们就不会在这儿了等等，拿去填资料坐在那儿填我不想惹麻烦，好吗？可我现在很疼，我脸被打歪了你得
照顺序来大概要等多久？快了真是对不起我不是存心让你们不开心的不，你说得对我的人生毫无计划送Pizza的感谢上帝,食物终于来了Phe
obe干吗？你有计划吗？我根本毫无计划磨菇,青椒和洋葱不,这不是我们点的我们点的是奶酪脆皮口味史先生不住这儿？没这个人惨了，我爸一
定会宰掉我的等等，你是说史先生？对，他住对街我一定是送错了，笨慢着，是不是那个矮小的地中海人一幅聪明样的帅哥？对，应该就是他他穿着
迷人的蓝色西装？打着领带？不，他只围一条浴巾上帝呀你们忍心让我把它带回去？什么？开什么玩笑我们要吃史先生的Pizza菲比，史先生是
谁？大鸟的朋友我看见Pizza让我看我们在偷瞄谁？白宫顾问，克林顿的助选员他有迷人的头发性感的微笑带劲儿的屁股是他？那个小矮人？我
好喜欢他等等，我看一个女人告诉我那是他妈绝对不是他妈慢着，她走过地板她走着…去拿Pizza不是给你的，臭女人蓝大夫，请接分号256
…抱歉，我们已等了一个小时许多情况比我朋友轻的人都走了那个脚趾上挂东西的他和谁睡觉？朵拉，别生气我知道我们都说了伤害彼此的话但那不
意味着我们不再爱着对方我想她不会再理我了灯还关着，对吗？或许他们在小睡拜托,他们在做爱-闭嘴！你们认为史先生是什么样的人？我认为他
很害羞真的？你必须勾引他之后他就会渐渐显露出兽性拜托我记得月光透过窗户照进来她的脸庞露出甜蜜的微笑对，月光，微笑和甜蜜说得好谁能拿
点止痛药来吗？他说得对，你够了没？今天有什么大不了的？你和她第一次上床，了不起？之后你又和她做了七年事情没那么简单那么问题出在哪儿
？她把你甩了？她爱上女人？她为一个爱女人的女人而离开你？大声点，行吗？12楼有个昏迷的人听不清楚然后呢？我和卡萝的第一次是我的第一
次什么？我的第一次和卡萝？这么说你这辈子只和一人…天啊，看冰球赛真是个错误本来今晚我们可以干很多事我有了还记得你很喜欢我做的那个蔬
菜面团？除非鹅也是蔬菜好吧，行和强森上床的感觉没那么糟什么？你和强森上床？在你们分手后多久之后？几小时真好我也有了情人节汤姆放在你
置物箱的东西其实是我放的什么？你以为他真会送你东西？她太天真了真的？天真的女孩至少不会在七年级时还尿裤子当时我是在笑，你逗得我大笑
他来了，他来了在哪儿？我们看了一整夜的地方他真帅我的宝贝乔治，快拿掉浴巾快拿掉浴巾…一次就好你能相信他只和一个女人上过床？这样很好
啊甜蜜又浪漫你真的这样认为？才怪,这家伙是怪胎老兄真是迷人你在“沉默的羔羊”里演得真好快承认吧,纵观一切，你今晚很开心开心？哪里开
心？告诉哪一点值得我开心？我的冰球在哪儿？在那小孩手里孩子…球是我的我找到的谁发现归谁，丢掉的人活该争气点是吗？我是橡胶你是胶水…
我做不到还我,到底还不还我不还不还过来,球还我不给别在我这儿闹事给我！那才叫好玩摩妮卡，右脚红本来我们是要玩大富翁的？谢了菲比，右
手蓝很好瑞秋，信用卡人员打来的好，愿意代替我吗？我是瑞秋不我知道，我很久没用了谢谢，我没事，真的绿色的，到绿色那里我有魔豆不，当我
没说左转我没事105 The One With the East German Laundry Detergent[Scene:
Central Perk, all six are there.]Monica: Would you let it go? It''
s not that big a deal.Ross: Not that big a deal? It''s amazing. Ok
, you just reach in there, there''s one little maneuver, and bam,
a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I''m concerned, t
here is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?Ra
chel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.Chandler: We can? All
right, I''m tryin'' that.Joey: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Wo
men can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and th
ere they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.Phoebe: Oh,
ok, you know what I don''t get? The way guys can do so many mean t
hings, and then not even care.(Long pause.)Ross: Multiple orgasms
!Opening Credits[Scene: Central Perk, all are there.]Chandler: So
, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-
ur-day night!Joey: No plans, huh?Chandler: Not a one.Ross: Not ev
en, say, breaking up with Janice?Chandler: Oh, right, right, shut
up.Monica: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You
just gotta do it.Chandler: No, I know, but it''s just so hard, you
know? I mean, you''re sitting there with her, she has no idea wha
t''s happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it,
and there''s the horrible awkward moment when you''ve handed her th
e note.Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just
stop calling. Phoebe: You know, if you want, I''ll do it with you
.Chandler: Oh, thanks, but I think she''d feel like we''re gangin''
up on her. Phoebe: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I''ll b
reak up with Tony. Ross: Tony?Monica: Oh, you''re breaking up with
Tony?Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he''s sweet, but it''s just not fun any
more, you know? I don''t know if it''s me, or his hunger strike, or
, I don''t know.Rachel: (waitressing) Does anybody want anything e
lse?Ross: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocola
tey kind of a cakey pie thing. (Rachel gives him a dirty look) No
thing, just, just, I''m fine.Phoebe: (to Rachel) What''s the matter
? Why so scrunchy?Rachel: It''s my father. He wants to give me a M
ercedes convertible.Ross: That guy, he burns me up.Rachel: Yeah,
well, it''s a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. H
e called me young lady.Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls
me that.Monica: Did he give you that whole "You''re-not-up-to-thi
s" thing again?Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extend
ed disco version, with three choruses of "You''ll never make it on
your own".Phoebe: (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.(Angela, a beaut
iful woman in a tight dress, enters.)Angela: Hi, Joey.Joey: My go
d, Angela.(Angela takes a seat at the counter.)Monica: Wow, being
dumped by you obviously agrees with her.Phoebe: Are you gonna go
over there?Joey: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don''t wanna se
em too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi
. That seems pretty cool. (he walks over to her) Hey, Angela. Ang
ela: (casually) Joey.Joey: You look good.Angela: That''s because I
''m wearing a dress that accents my boobs.Joey: You don''t say.(Cut
to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.)Ross: So,
uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what''re you doing tonight?Rachel:
Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.Ross: Oh, you
uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who''s doing laundr
y there too?Rachel: Who?Ross: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why do
n''t, um, why don''t I just join you both, here?Rachel: Don''t you h
ave a laundry room in your building?Ross: Yes, I do have a laundr
y room in my building, um, but there''s a.... rat problem. Apparen
tly they''re attracted to the dryer sheets, and they''re goin'' in f
ine, but they''re comin'' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish
?Rachel: Sure.(Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)Angela
: Forget it Joey. I''m with Bob now.Joey: Bob? Who the hell''s Bob?
Angela: Bob is great. He''s smart, he''s sophisticated, and he has
a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call y
ourself an actor, but Bob...Joey: Come on, we were great together
. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.Angela: Ye
ah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let''s just be friends, so guess wh
at?Joey: What?Angela: We''re just friends.Joey: Fine, fine, so, wh
y don''t the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? Y
ou know, as friends?Angela: What four of us?Joey: You know, you a
nd Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.[Scene: Monica a
nd Rachel''s apartment, Joey is there, trying to convince Monica t
o pose as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Ange
la''s boyfriend Bob and then take Angela back for himself.]Joey: M
onica, I''m tellin'' you, this guy is perfect for you.Monica: Forge
t it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.Joey: Co
me on. This guy''s great. His name''s Bob. He''s Angela''s... brother
. He''s smart, he''s sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go
on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is.
..Monica: (looking out window) Oh, god help us.Joey: What?Monica:
Ugly Naked Guy''s laying kitchen tile. Eww!Joey: Eww! Look, I''m a
sking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela wi
ll come back to me.Monica: What''s going on here? You go out with
tons of girls.Joey: (proud) I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I
never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please?[
Scene: Ross'' apartment, Chandler is over.]Ross: (on phone) Ok, by
e. (hangs up) Well, Monica''s not coming, it''s just gonna be me an
d Rachel.Chandler: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you''ve
thought this thing through?Ross: It''s laundry. The thinking throu
gh is minimal.Chandler: It''s just you and Rachel, just the two of
you? This is a date. You''re going on a date.Ross: Nuh-uh.Chandle
r: Yuh-huh.Ross: So what''re you saying here? I should shave again
, pick up some wine, what?Chandler: Well, you may wanna rethink t
he dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she''s gonna
see your underwear—you want it to be dirty?Ross: (sheepish) No.Ch
andler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?Ross: Ok, ok, now what is
wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I''m a sensitive, warm kind
a guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick somethin
g else up on the way.Chandler: There you go.[Scene: A fancy resta
urant, Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who Mon
ica thinks is Angela''s brother.]Monica: Thank you. So what does t
his Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?Joey: Yep.Monica: Which?
Joey: Which what?Monica: You''ve never met Bob, have you?Joey: No,
but he''s...Monica: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy cou
ld be horribly...(Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)An
gela: Hey, Joey.Monica: ...horribly attractive. I''ll be shutting
up now.[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are there, both
ready to break up with their significant others.]Chandler: Where
are they? Where are they?Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anythi
ng just the two of us.Chandler: It''s great. Maybe tomorrow we can
rent a car and run over some puppies.Phoebe: Eww, I don''t wanna
do that.(Janice and Phoebe''s boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)Chandler:
Here we go.Phoebe: Ok, have a good break-up.Chandler: Hey, Janice
.Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most s
upremely awful day.Chandler: Hey, that''s not good. Can I get an e
spresso and a latte over here, please?Janice: We got the proofs b
ack from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vege
tables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest
of the day, and I went shopping...(looks through her bags)... and
I got you, I''m looking, I''m looking, I''m looking, I got you...(C
handler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a
few seconds, hugs him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed ho
w easy it was for her.)Chandler: What?Janice: What?Chandler: (cov
ering) What... did you get me there? Janice: I got you...these. (
pulls out a pair of socks)Chandler: Bullwinkle socks. That''s so s
weet.Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, y
ou know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear
Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Wh
atever you want.Chandler: That''s great. (The drinks arrive, and C
handler downs his espresso in one gulp.)Chandler: Well, I''m gonna
get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?Janice: (holdi
ng the full cup) No, no, I''m still working on mine.(Chandler walk
s over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about th
e break-up.)Chandler: That''s it?Phoebe: Yeah, it was really hard.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.Phoebe: Ok, you
weren''t there.[Scene: The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting f
or Ross. An old woman takes Rachel''s clothes off the machine and
begins loading it with her things.]Woman: Comin'' through. Move, m
ove.Rachel: Oh, ''scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.Woman:
Yeah, well, now you''re kinda not.Rachel: But I saved it. I put my
basket on top.Woman: Oh, I''m sorry, is that your basket? It''s re
ally pretty. Unfortunately, I don''t see suds.Rachel: What?Woman:
No suds, no save. Ok?(Ross arrives.)Ross: What''s goin'' on?Rachel:
Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.Ross:
Was your basket on top?Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds.Ross
: So?Rachel: Well, you know, no suds, no save.Ross: No suds? Excu
se me, hold on a second. (to woman) That''s my friend''s machine.Wo
man: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn''t in it.Ross: Hey, hey, hey, t
hat''s not the rule and you know it. (The woman and Ross stare at
each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and le
aves.)Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show''s ov
er. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok, let''s do laundry.Rachel:
That was amazing. I can''t even send back soup.Ross: Well, that''s
because you''re such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...O
h, hey, uh you must need detergent.(Ross pulls out a huge box of
laundry detergent.)Rachel: What''s that?Ross: Uberveiss. It''s new,
it''s German, it''s extra-tough.(Rachel starts to load her clothes
.)Ross: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?Rachel: Oh
god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I suppo
sed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pa
nts? Ross: Rach, have you never done this before?Rachel: Well, no
t myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I
''m a laundry virgin.Ross: Uh, well, don''t worry, I''ll use the gen
tle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all yo
ur whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for you
r uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your un
der-panty things.Rachel: (holds a pair of panties in front of Ros
s) Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would the
y go with whites or delicates?Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, t
hat, that would be a judgment call.[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Moni
ca, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.]Monica: (to Jo
ey) He is so cute. (to Angela and Bob) So, where did you guys gro
w up?Angela: Brooklyn Heights.Bob: Cleveland.Monica: How, how did
that happen?Joey: Oh my god.Monica: What?Joey: I suddenly had th
e feeling that I was falling. But I''m not.Commercial Break[Scene:
Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are talking.]Joey: So, you and An
gela, huh?Bob: Yep. Pretty much.Joey: You''re a lucky man. You kno
w what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she
eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.Bob: Huh, I neve
r really noticed.Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.Bob: Monica,
Monica is great.Joey: Yeah, but it''s not gonna last. She''s too m
uch for me in bed. Sexually.[Scene: The ladies'' bathroom at the r
estaurant, Monica and Angela are talking.]Monica: I''ve gotta tell
you, Bob is terrific.Angela: Yeah, isn''t he?Monica: It is so gre
at to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age
beyond, like eight.Angela: You know what else? He''s unbelievable
in bed.Monica: Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost h
is virginity.Angela: Huh. That''s nice.[Scene: Central Perk, Phoeb
e is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]Phoebe: Ok
, you can do this. It''s just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do
it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.(Chandler walks ba
ck to couch, where Janice is.)Chandler: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, h
ere we go. I don''t think we should go out anymore. Janice.Janice:
All right. Well, there you go. (she gets extremely wound up, and
begins to try and calm herself down) Stop it, stop it, stop it.[
Scene: The laundromat.]Rachel: Ok, I know this is gonna sound rea
lly stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can
actually do my own laundry, there isn''t anything I can''t do.Ross:
That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it''s like the first
time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? (the b
uzzer on the washer goes off) I''m sorry, that''s all the time we h
ave. Next on Ross...(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.Rachel: What uh-o
h?Ross: (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry''s don
e. It''s, uh, it''s a song. The laundry song that we sing. (singing
) Uh-oh the laundry''s done, uh-oh, uh-oh.Rachel: Ross, what''s the
matter?Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry''s done.Rachel
: Come on, show me.Ross: All right, all right, it''s just that you
left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything''s k
inda pink.Rachel: Oh, everything''s pink.Ross: Yeah, uh, except fo
r the red sock, which is still red. I''m sorry, please don''t be up
set, it could happen to anyone.Rachel: Except it didn''t. It happe
ned to me. Oh, god, I''m gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. W
hat am I doing? What am I doing? My father''s right. I can''t live
on my own! I can''t even do laundry!(The woman who had tried to st
eal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.)[Scene: The fancy r
estaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob''s shirt, and Monica is very
uncomfortable.]Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and t
hey couldn''t get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is
like flopping down Broadway, right, and I''m just thinking... how
inappropriate this is. Um, I''ve got something in my eye, uh, Joey
, could we check it in the light, please? (Her and Joey walk away
from the table.)Monica: Oh my god.Joey: What?Monica: Hello! Were
we at the same table? It''s like... cocktails in Appalachia.Joey:
Come on, they''re close.Monica: Close? She''s got her tongue in hi
s ear.Joey: Oh, like you''ve never gotten a little rambunctious wi
th Ross.Monica: Joey, this is sick, it''s disgusting, it''s, it''s—n
ot really true, is it?Joey: Well, who''s to say what''s true? I mea
n...Monica: Oh my god, what were you thinking?Joey: All right, lo
ok, I''m not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.Monica:
(hits him lightly) Oh! Joey: Ow!Monica: (leaving) I''m outta here.
Joey: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you.Mo
nica: Really?Joey: Yeah. I''m thinking, if we put our heads togeth
er, between the two of us, we can break them up.[Time lapse, Moni
ca accidentally spilled her drink on Bob''s shirt and is wiping it
off. Joey is making eyes at Angela.]Monica: I''m so sorry, I can''
t believe I did this, but I couldn''t stop laughing at your Norman
Mailer story.(Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weas
el-like noise Joey had told Bob about.)Joey: Uh, waiter, one more
plate of chicken wings over here.[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler
is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and there are ab
out a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely
wired.]Chandler: Here''s the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it''s
like we''re different. I''m like the bing, bing, bing. You''re like
the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in
the eye)... boom.Janice: Ow!Chandler: Oh, my god, I''m so sorry.
Are you ok?Janice: Ow. Um, it''s just my lens. It''s just my lens.
I''ll be right back.(She leaves.) Chandler: (to Phoebe) I hit her
in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in t
he history of the world. Phoebe: Oh my god. (Chandler downs anoth
er espresso.) How many of those have you had?Chandler: Oh, I don''
t know, a million?Phoebe: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy
place. La la la la la la la.Chandler: I''m fine.Phoebe: All right.
(Janice returns from the bathroom.)Chandler: I''m not fine. Here
she comes.Phoebe: Wait here. Breathe.(Phoebe goes over to speak t
o Janice. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then Janice imm
ediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.)Chandle
r: How do you do that?Phoebe: It''s like a gift.Chandler: We shoul
d always always break up together.Phoebe: Oh, I''d like that.[Scen
e: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pink clothes.]Ross:
You got the clothes clean. Now that''s the important part.Rachel:
Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.(The same w
oman walks over and takes Rachel''s laundry cart.)Rachel: Whoa, I''
m sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 2
4-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.(Rac
hel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart back.)Rache
l: I''m sorry, you know, maybe I wasn''t being clear. Uh, this is o
ur cart.Woman: Hey, hey, hey there aren''t any clothes in it.Rache
l: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!Woman: Let go!(They s
truggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.)Rachel
: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you''re gonna h
ave to take me with it! (She thinks it over, and then walks away.
)Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?Ross: You were incredibl
e! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.Rachel: I could not have
done this without you.(Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is s
tunned. A moment of silence follows.)Ross: Ok, um, uh, more cloth
es in the dryer? (Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer
door.) I''m fine, I''m fine.Rachel: Are you sure?Ross: No.Closing C
redits[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. R
oss has an icepack to his head.]Rachel: Oh, are you sure you''re o
k?Ross: Yeah.Rachel: Does it still hurt?Ross: Yeah.Phoebe: (seein
g Rachel''s clothes) What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I''m
gonna do this.(Monica and Joey enter.)Monica: Hi.Phoebe: Hey, ho
w''d it go?Joey: Excellent.Monica: We ripped that couple apart, an
d kept the pieces for ourselves.Ross: What a beautiful story. Hey
, I''m fine by the way.Monica: (notices his head) Oh, I''m sorry.Ra
chel: Where''s Chandler?Phoebe: Oh, he needed some time to grieve.
(Chandler runs by the window outside, joyous.)Chandler: I''m free!
I''m free!Phoebe: That oughta do it.End105 洗衣服别再争好吗?这又没什么大不了的没什么大
不了?这简直是太神奇了只不过是用手伸进去, 轻轻一碰就把胸罩解开从袖子里抽出来据我所知, 男生即使靠的再近也做不到我说得对不对?拜
托，男生可以站着尿我们行吗?我倒要试试看知道什么最令我嫉妒?女人随时都可以看自己的胸部低头就看到真搞不懂你们怎么会有心工作知道我搞
不懂什么吗?男人可以做许多下流的事却能毫不在乎多重高潮了不起，周末夜重要的夜晚，约会的夜晚周末夜! 周末夜!没有计划是吗?一个都没
有.连和珍妮丝分手的打算都没有?对…闭嘴钱德，没有人喜欢分手但你还是要做呀.我知道很难.我的意思是你坐在她身旁而她却一无所知最后你
鼓起勇气在这实在尴尬的时刻当你将纸条拿给她?，干嘛分手?争气点，不再打电话就行了如果愿意，我和你一起做谢了，但这样她会认为我们是联
手来对付她你和琼妮分手我和东尼分手东尼?你要和东尼分手?对，我知道他人很好.但是我对他再没新鲜感了.我不知道问题是在于我还是他的绝
食抗议还有人需要什么吗?我，上星期你做了有核果，巧克力之类的派没事，我还好怎么啦,怪怪的是我爸他要买奔驰敞篷车给我那家伙真叫我生气
如果想要奔驰, 我就得搬回家.太可恶了他称我为”年轻的女士”我最受不了我爸这样叫我他是不是又说你年纪太轻之类的话对,这次是迪斯科加
长版,带着三重唱说”你永远不能自立”嘿,乔伊天呀,安琪拉.被你甩掉对她大有好处你想过去吗?不想...想...不想待会再说,我不想显
得太急于见她了.一个密西西比,两个密西西比,三个密西西比,这样显得比较酷安琪拉乔伊你的样子真好.因为我的衣服突显出我的胸部看得出来
瑞秋，你今晚有何节目?精彩丰富我要和摩妮卡去洗衣店想知道有个巧合吗?猜猜谁也要去洗衣店?谁？我难道还不够清楚?何不让我加入你们?你
的公寓没有洗衣间吗?有，我的公寓有洗衣间不过, 那儿有老鼠.它们显然对烘干机里的香香纸感兴趣进入时还好出来是却毛绒绒的7点左右见?
好吧免了，乔依我现在和鲍伯交往鲍伯?谁是鲍伯?鲍伯简直是棒透了聪明，成熟，又有真正的工作你每个月面识三次就称自己是演员但是鲍伯我们
在一起时很开心不只是寻欢作乐我们也聊得来没错，不过抱歉你曾说我们当朋友就好,那么什么?我们只是朋友行，我们四个何不一起出去吃晚饭?
就像朋友一样哪四个?你和鲍伯我和我的女友…摩妮卡摩妮卡，他绝对适合你算了吧从你那会啧出字母块的表兄后我再也不敢领教了没骗你，他真的
很棒他叫鲍伯，安琪拉的哥哥鲍伯简直是棒透了聪明，成熟，又有真正的工作我呢?我每个月面试三次就称自己是演员, 但是鲍勃...我的天哪
什么?丑陋的裸男在铺厨房磁砖我在求你帮忙如果我能为她哥哥做点事或许她会回到我身旁你是怎么了?你和千百个女人约会我知道我犯了天大的错
误我不该和她分手愿意帮我吗?求求你好，再见摩妮卡不能去了现在只剩我和瑞秋等等，老兄你确定自己仔细想过只是去洗店没仔细想过你是说只有
你和瑞秋两个?对这叫约会，你们要去约会不对没错的.你说我该怎么办?该再刮刮胡子或挑瓶美酒?或许你该再考虑你那肮脏的内衣裤为什么?因
为将她首度见到你的内衣裤想让她看见你那肮脏的内衣裤吗?不想还有衣物柔软精我的熊宝贝又怎么了?这代表我敏感, 贴心就像一只毛绒绒的熊
宝贝好吧，我在路上买就是了这才对路谢谢，鲍伯长什么样?到底是高还是矮?是的什么?什么什么?你没和鲍伯见过面，对不?对，可是…拜托，
这家伙可能相当…嘿,乔伊.相当吸引人.我闭嘴就是了他们在哪儿?感觉真好，我们俩从未独处过对，或许明天我们可以租辆车撞几只小狗我不想
那样她来了祝你有个愉快的分手珍妮丝真高兴你打电话给我我从来没这么悲惨的一天不妙能端杯浓缩咖啡和拿铁来吗?我们刚在摄影小站拍了照有几
颗蔬菜的那个总之那些蔬菜烂透了我的整个下午就这样毁了我去逛街购物然后就为你买了…让我找找…让我找找我为你…什么?你帮我买什么?我帮
你买…这个布文哥袜真可爱我知道你已有洛基所以我想你可以穿一双布文哥或穿一双洛基或混着穿，随你高兴我再去叫一杯浓缩咖啡想再来一杯拿铁
吗?不用了，我的还没喝完就这样?对，真的很难哦,是么, 那个拥抱看起来还真绝情呢你又不是当事人!借过，让开…抱歉，我似乎用这台洗衣
机是吗?不过现在"似乎"不是了但是我占位置了,我放了篮子在上面.抱歉，这是你的篮子吗?对真漂亮，但是我没看到肥皂水.什么?没肥皂水
就不算保留，行吗?怎么了?没什么这位凶婆娘抢了我的洗衣机你有把篮子放上面吗?有，但是没有肥皂水?然后呢?没肥皂水就不算保留没肥皂水
就不算保留抱歉，等等这是我朋友用的机器她的东西没在里面你明知规矩不是这样的表演结束没什么好看的洗衣服吧这简直是太神奇了我连汤都不敢
退因为你是个即温柔, 又可爱的你得用洗衣粉那是什么?乌伯怀斯，来自德国的新产品洗净力超强瑞秋，你准备分开洗吗?我像个洗衣大白痴我得
用一台洗衬衣用另一台洗裤子吗?你没洗过衣服?没有，但我认识这样洗过的人好吧，被你发现了我"第一次"衣服别担心，我会用"轻柔"循环你
得用一台洗你全部的白衣白衣另一台洗其他颜色的衣服其他颜色的衣服第三台洗贴身…胸罩和内裤之类的这些棉质的白色内裤呢?与白衣还是贴身衣
物一起洗?随便你罗他好可爱你们在哪儿长大?布鲁克林克里佛兰怎么会这样?哎哟.我突然有种...坠落的感觉但是没有.你和安琪拉在一起?
差不多你真幸运知道我最想念她什么?她轻啃东西的声音好像是快乐的小松鼠或是鼬我倒是没注意过以后注意听摩妮卡，摩妮卡很好没错，不过不会
维持很久.我心有余而力不足…在床上我得告诉你鲍伯简直是太棒了可不是吗能遇上聪明幽默心智年龄超过八岁的人真棒知道吗?他的床上更是一流
我哥从未告诉我他何时失去童贞真好你能办到的这就像是拔绷带一样快速拔起露出伤口快走珍妮丝…管他的我想我们不该再交往下去了珍妮丝我知道
了…停下来,停下来....我知道这听起来很可笑我想我可以洗衣服的话我就没有办不到的事我一点都不觉得可笑太好了就像卡罗尔离开后我第一
次动手做晚饭抱歉，时间到下集再来谈罗斯怎么了?衣服洗好了这是一首歌我们唱的一首洗衣歌衣服洗好了罗斯，到底怎么了?没事, 衣服洗好了
…罗斯，快给我看…好吧，你把一只红袜放到白色衣物里面了所以白衣全变成粉红色全变成粉红色?对，但红袜还是红袜抱歉，千万别伤心任何人都
可能发生这种事不，它只发生在我身上我穿这些看来会像一只粉红猪我爸说得对，我无法独立生活我连洗衣服都不会狗气球出了意外他的头无法膨胀
于是他的头就落在百老汇我心想这实在太不像话了有东西跑进我眼睛乔依，能到灯下帮我看看吗?我的天呀!怎么啦?我们是坐在同一桌吗?这太离
谱了拜托，他们姐弟感情很好感情很好?她舌头都伸进了他的耳朵你和罗斯就不会有小动作?乔伊，这是病态, 太恶心了这不是真的，对不?谁说
是真的?你到底在想什么?好吧，我也不喜欢这样或许有一点我要走了等等，你喜欢他我要她，他喜欢你真的?没错.我想只要我们一起想办法就能
让他们分开真是抱歉没想到我会这样你的故事让我笑得嘴巴合不拢服务生，再来一盘鸡翅珍妮丝我们是不同类型的人我的声音就好像丁丁丁你的声音
就好像梆梆梆糟了，抱歉你没事吧没事，只是我的隐形眼镜等会儿就没事了，我马上回来我打中她的眼睛这是有史以来世上最糟糕的分手我的天你到
底喝了几杯?我也不知道百万杯?钱德，放轻松快回到你的快乐天堂我没事的…不妙，她回来了在这儿等着，深呼吸你是怎么办到的?我有天赋.我
们每次都应该一起"分手"我乐意之至你已把衣服洗净现在是重要部份大概吧只是衣服都成了睡衣抱歉，推车是我们的是吗?我的腰围也曾是一尺八
但是时过境迁请让道.抱歉，或许我没说清楚这是我们的推车这上面没有衣服你又再乱编规矩了放手车是我的，我先看到的好吧，想用这辆车你就得
推着我一起走我赢了，看见没?你真是太神奇了各位，一位脱胎换骨的新女性多亏了你我才能办到烘干机里还有衣服?我没事...没事你确定没事
?嗯还疼么?真是聪明，衣服颜色都一样我也要这么做嘿,怎么样啦?我们把那一对佳人掰成两半一人一半真是美丽动人的故事我已经没事了.钱德
在哪儿?他需要一点时间疗伤我自由了…他应该复原了106 The One With the Butt[Scene: A Theate
r, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey''s to sta
rt.]Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, th
ere''s Joey''s picture! This is so exciting!Chandler: You can alway
s spot someone who''s never seen one of his plays before. Notice,
no fear, no sense of impending doom...Phoebe: The exclamation poi
nt in the title scares me. (Gesturing) Y''know, it''s not just Freu
d, it''s Freud!(The lights dim.)Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is abou
t to happen.(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is ta
lking to a female patient.)Joey: well, Eva, we''ve done some excel
lent work here, and I would have to say, your problem is quite cl
ear. (He goes into a song and dance number.) All you want is a di
ngle,What you envy''s a schwang,A thing through which you can tink
le,Or play with, or simply let hang...Opening Credits[Scene: The
Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding. As soon a
s the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.]Rache
l: God. I feel violated.Monica: Did anybody else feel they just w
anted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to
do?Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o''clo
ck.Ross: Is it? Feels like two.Chandler: No, ten o''clock.Ross: Wh
at?Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There''s a beautiful
woman at eight, nine, ten o''clock!Ross: Oh. Hel-lo!Chandler: She''
s amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short
, fat, bald men!Monica: Well, go over to her! She''s not with anyo
ne.Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? ''Excuse
me. Blarrglarrghh.''Rachel: Oh, c''mon. She''s a person, you can do
it!Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross,
back me up here.Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a
million years.Chandler: Thank you, buddy.Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y''kn
ow, you always see these really beautiful women with these really
nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.Monica: You could d
o that!Chandler: Y''think?All: Yeah!Chandler: Oh God, I can''t beli
eve I''m even considering this... I''m very very aware of my tongue
...Ross: C''mon! C''mon!Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her
but just stands there.)Aurora: ...Yes?Chandler: Hi.... um... okay
, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh
...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.Aurora: Yes, you said that
.Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn''t say was what I was a
bout to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go
out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back to the
others but she calls him back.) Aurora: Chandler?(Joey enters fr
om behind a curtain.? The others all talk at once.)All: Hey! You''
re in a play! I didn''t know you could dance! You had a beard!Joey
: Whadja think?(Pause)All: ...Hey! You''re in a play! I didn''t kno
w you could dance! You had a beard!Joey: C''mon, you guys, it wasn
''t that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls,
at least you got to see my head.All: (admitting) Saw your head.
Saw your head.Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said ye
s!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name''s Aurora,
and she''s Italian, and she pronounces my name ''Chand-lrr''. ''Chan
d-lrr''. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen,
the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of h
is pocket.)Rachel: What is it?Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Ag
ency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me!P
hoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play![Scene: Central
Perk, everyone else is there as Chandler enters.]Chandler: Hey, k
ids. All: Hey.Phoebe: (reading Monica''s palm) No, ''cause this lin
e is passion, and this is... just a line.Chandler: Well, I can''t
believe I''ve been here almost seven seconds and you haven''t asked
me how my date went.Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date,
''Chand-lrr''?Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I''ve never met anyo
ne like her. She''s had the most amazing life! She was in the Isra
eli army...(A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in C
entral Perk is denoted by italics.)Aurora: ...Luckily none of the
bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but
just barely, and I- ...I''ve been talking about myself all night l
ong, I''m sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories.Chand
ler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at nigh
t, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of
it.Chandler: We talked ''til like two. It was this perfect evening
... more or less.Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were i
n Yammon. Chandler: Oh, I''m sorry, so ''we'' is?Aurora: ''We'' would
be me and Rick.Joey: Who''s Rick?Chandler: Who''s Rick?Aurora: My h
usband.All: Ooooohhh.Chandler: Oh, so you''re divorced?Aurora: No.
Chandler: Oh, I''m sorry, then you''re widowed?...Hopefully?Aurora:
No, I''m still married.Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you t
hink your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sl
iding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in
my pocket?Aurora: Don''t worry. I imagine he''d be okay with you b
ecause really, he''s okay with Ethan.Chandler: Ethan? There''s, the
re''s an Ethan?Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.All: What?
!Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a re
lationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband
and a boyfriend?Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual.Chandler: ...Hm.
Monica: Oh. I''m sorry it didn''t work out.Chandler: What ''not work
out''? I''m seeing her again on Thursday. Didn''t you listen to the
story?Monica: Didn''t you listen to the story? I mean, this is tw
isted! How could you get involved with a woman like this?Chandler
: Well, y''know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the
way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all t
he talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean,
this is every guy''s fantasy!Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. R
oss, is this your fantasy?Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Ye
ah, yeah, it is.Monica: What? So you guys don''t mind going out wi
th someone else who''s going out with someone else?Joey: I couldn''
t do it.Monica: Good for you, Joey.Joey: When I''m with a woman, I
need to know that I''m going out with more people than she is.Ros
s: Well, y''know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, a
nthropologically speaking-(They all pretend to fall asleep.)Ross:
Fine. Fine, alright, now you''ll never know.Monica: We''re kidding
. C''mon, tell us!All: Yeah! C''mon!Ross: Alright. There''s a theory
, put forth by Richard Leakey-(They all fall asleep again.)[Scene
: Monica and Rachel''s, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter
.]Rachel: Tah-daaah!Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way
now? ''Cause I like that.Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windo
ws, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the va
cuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don''t kno
w what that''s for.Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we''re not supp
osed to ask.Rachel: Well, whaddya think?All: Very clean! It looks
great! Terrific!Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottom
an.All: Uh-oh...Monica: How-how did that happen?Rachel: I dunno..
I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it''s an ext
ra seat around the coffee table.Monica: Yeah, yeah, it''s interest
ing.. but y''know what? Just for fun, let''s see what it looked lik
e in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let''
s see. Well, it looks good there too. Let''s just leave it there f
or a while.Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can''t believe you tried to move
the green ottoman.Chandler: Thank God you didn''t try to fan out t
he magazines. I mean, she''ll scratch your eyes right out.Monica:
You guys, I am not that bad!Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Rememb
er when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y''know, (psych
o) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!Monica: That is so unfair!Ross: Oh c''mon! W
hen we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn''t
raggedy!Monica: Okay, so I''m responsible, I''m organised. But hey
, I can be a kook.Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine t
his. The phone bill arrives, but you don''t pay it right away.Moni
ca: Why not?Ross: Because you''re a kook! Instead you wait until t
hey send you a notice.Monica: I could do that.Rachel: Okay, uh, y
ou let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but i
t''s not the one with the easy-pour spout.Monica: Why would someon
e do that?! ...One might wonder.Chandler: Someone''s left a glass
on the coffee table. There''s no coaster. It''s a cold drink, it''s
a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way clo
ser and closer to the surface of the wood...Monica: STOP IT!! ...
Oh my God. It''s true! Who am I?Ross: Monica? You''re Mom.(Monica g
asps.)Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!(Joey enters and he''s on th
e phone.)Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Oka
y, I''ll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (H
e tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a jo
b...in the new Al Pacino movie!All: Oh my God! Whoah!Monica: Well
, what''s the part?Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy
''s the reason I became an actor! "I''m out of order? Pfeeeh. You''r
e out of order! This whole courtroom''s out of order!"Phoebe: Seri
ously, what-what''s the part?Joey: "Just when I thought I was out,
they pull me back in!"Ross: C''mon, seriously, Joey, what''s the p
art?Joey: ...I''m his (mumbles)Rachel: ..You''re, you''re ''mah mah m
ah'' what?Joey: ...I''m his butt double. ''Kay? I play Al Pacino''s b
utt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I''m his butt.Mon
ica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.Joey: C''mon, you guys. This
is a real movie, and Al Pacino''s in it, and that''s big!Chandler:
Oh no, it''s terrific, it''s... it''s... y''know, you deserve this, a
fter all your years of struggling, you''ve finally been able to cr
ack your way into show business.Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make joke
s, I don''t care! This is a big break for me!Ross: You''re right, y
ou''re right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big openin
g?Commercial Break[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, the next morning,
Monica is getting the door.]Monica: Alright, alright, alright...
(Joey enters with Monica''s paper and hands it to her.)Joey: Here.
I need to borrow some moisturizer.Monica: For what?Joey: What do
you think? Today''s the big day!Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into
the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don''t ever tell me what
you did in there.Joey: Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)(C
handler enters with the phone.)Chandler: Where''s Joey? His mom''s
on the phone.Monica: He''s in the bathroom. I don''t think you wann
a go in there!Chandler: C''mon, we''re roommates! (He goes into the
bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!Monica
: I warned you...(Rachel enters from her room.)Rachel: Who is bei
ng loud?Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna
borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna ma
ke her breakfast.Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?Chandle
r: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y''know
.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a littl
e bit of resentment?Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it''s
worth it. ''Kay? Y''know in a relationship you have these key mome
nts that you know you''ll remember for the rest of your life? Well
, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I''ve just
wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh..
Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.
)Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y''know, the-the old Monica would
-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush..
.But I''m not gonna do that. (She opens the door and he leaves.)[S
cene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.]Director: (on p
hone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, eve
rybody ready?Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this gr
eat opportunity.Director: Lose the robe.Joey: Me?Director: That w
ould work.Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the r
obe.) And the robe is lost.Director: Okay, everybody, we''d like t
o get this in one take, please. Let''s roll it.. water''s working (
The shower starts).. and... action.(Joey starts to the shower wit
h a grim, determined look on his face.)Director: And cut. Hey, Bu
tt Guy, what the hell are you doing?Joey: Well, I''m- I''m showerin
g.Director: No, that was clenching.Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see
it, the guy''s upset here, y''know? I mean, his wife''s dead, his br
other''s missing... I think his butt would be angry here.Director:
I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once
again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What wa
s that?Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have t
o ask...[Scene: Chandler and Joey''s, Aurora and Chandler are in b
ed in Chandler''s room.]Chandler: God, I love these fingers...Auro
ra: Thank you.Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at
''em, look at how happy they are.Aurora: (moves Chandler''s arm and
look at his watch.) Oh my God, I''m late. (She starts to get up.)
Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don''t go.. (He kisses her an
d pulls her back down.)Aurora: Okay.Chandler: Don''t go.Aurora: Ok
ay. Oh no, I have to.Chandler: (to himself) Too bad, she''s leavin
g.Aurora: (getting up and dressing) I''m sorry. He''ll be waiting f
or me.Chandler: Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick.Aur
ora: It''s not Rick.Chandler: What, Ethan? He got to spend the who
le day with you!Aurora: No, it''s-it''s Andrew. Chandler: I know th
ere''ll be many moments in the years to come when I''ll regret aski
ng the following question, but- And Andrew is?Aurora: He''s... new
.Chandler: Oh, so what you''re saying is you''re not completely ful
filled by Rick, Ethan and myself?Aurora: No, that''s not exactly w
hat I was..Chandler: Well, y''know, most women would kill for thre
e guys like us.Aurora: So what do you want?Chandler: You.Aurora:
You have me!Chandler: Nono, just you.Aurora: Whaddyou mean?Chandl
er: Lose the other guys.Aurora: ...Like, ...all of them?Chandler:
C''mon, we''re great together, why not?Aurora: Why can''t we just h
ave what we have now? Why can''t we just talk, and laugh, and make
love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until t
onight I thought that''s what you wanted too.Chandler: ...Well, y''
know, part of me wants that, but it''s like I''m two guys, y''know?
I mean, one guy''s going ''Shut up! This is great!'' But there''s thi
s other guy. Actually it''s the same guy that wells up every time
that Grinch''s heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring d
evice... And he''s saying, y''know, ''This is too hard! Get out! Get
out!''Aurora: So... which one of the two guys will you listen to?
Chandler: I don''t know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they
don''t exactly let each other finish...Aurora: Which one?Chandler:
...The second guy.Aurora: (gets up to leave) Well, call me if yo
u change your mind.(She kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her
passionately.)Chandler: Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.(She l
eaves, Chandler sighs, and falls back on his bed.)[Scene: Monica
and Rachel''s, Ross is trying to comfort Chandler.? Joey is absent
.]Ross: Look at it this way: you dumped her. Right? I mean, this
woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattain
able... Tell me why you did this again?(Joey enters.)All: Hey!Mon
ica: Hey, waitwait, aren''t you the guy that plays the butt in the
new Al Pacino movie?Joey: Nope.Ross: No? What happened, big guy?
Chandler: (to Ross) "Big guy?"Ross: It felt like a ''big guy'' mome
nt.Joey: I got fired.All: Oh!Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too mu
ch with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody''s gonna go
to the theatre, expecting to see me, and...Rachel: Oh, Joey, you
know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell.Joey: My mom will.Cha
ndler: Something so sweet and...disturbing about that.Joey: Y''kno
w, I''ve done nothing but crappy plays for six years. And I finall
y get my shot, and I blow it!Monica: Maybe this wasn''t your shot.
Ross: Yeah, I mean... I think when it''s your shot, y''know, you-yo
u know it''s your shot. Did it... feel like your shot..?Joey: Hard
to tell, I was naked.Phoebe: No, I don''t think this was your sho
t. I mean, I don''t even think you just get one shot. I really bel
ieve big things are gonna happen for you, I do! You''ve gotta just
keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his
friends and go ''I got the part! I got the part! I''m gonna be Joe
y Tribbiani''s ass!''.Joey: Yeah? That''s so nice! (They hug.)(Ross
and Chandler look at each other and hug as well.)Monica: I''m sorr
y, Joey. I''m gonna go to bed, guys. All: Night.Rachel: Uh, Mon, y
ou-you gonna leave your shoes out here?Monica: (determined) Uh-hu
h!Rachel: Really? Just casually strewn about in that reckless hap
hazard manner?Monica: Doesn''t matter, I''ll get ''em tomorrow. Or n
ot. Whenever. (He goes to her room.)Ross: She is a kook.Closing C
redits[Scene: Monica''s Bedroom, she''s lying in bed wide awake.]Mo
nica: (hums for a while, then gives up, and in her head) If it bo
thers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don''t do
this. This is stupid! I don''t have to prove anything, I''m gonna g
o get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and
then wake up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (She
buries her head in her pillow.) End106 屁股秀你们看，是乔伊的照片真是令人兴奋你总是能看见
从未在自己作品中出现的某人，注意力强，无畏无惧，就算死到临头也不自觉标题上的惊叹号，令我有点害怕这不只是佛洛依德，而是佛洛依德!安
静，奇迹就要出现伊娃，你今天的表现不错我得说你的问题相当清楚……^_^；我感觉自己受到冒犯了还有其他人感觉,只想剥自己的皮,如果他
们还有其他事可做?罗斯，十点钟是吗?感觉像是两点不，十点钟什么?一位美女在8，9，10点钟方向她简直就是仙女下凡她让我的梦中情人,
变得有如矮胖的秃子过去啊，她旁边没人对，我该用什么开场白?对不起,啦啦啦啦之类的拜托，她只是个人，你罩得住请告诉我，我配得上她吗?
罗斯，帮我壮壮胆他这副德行一辈子都别想把到这种美女谢了，老兄但这种美女，身边总是跟着蹩脚货你也可以成为其中之一没错，你能办到你也认
为?是的.没想到我竟有这种念头我一向谨言慎行快去我上了有事吗?下个字是…Chandler我叫Chandler我知道，你说过对，我说
过但我没说我想说...愿意与我约会吗?谢谢，晚安钱德他出来了想不到你会跳舞你演戏了你刮掉胡子了感觉如何?想不到你会跳舞你演戏了拜托
，没那么糟吧我是主角这次我在轮唱中出现至少你们可以看见我的头对没错，我们有看见你的头她答应了…好烂的戏她叫亚萝拉，来自义大利她叫我
”Chandlerrrrrrr”我喜欢她这样称呼我领座员要我把它交给你Estelle Leonard经纪公司经纪公司拿名片给我或许
他们想和我签约因为这场戏?因为这一场戏嘿,伙计们?嘿不，因为这是感情线而这一条只是普通线我无法相信我坐在这儿七秒钟竟没人问我的约会
如何?你的约会如何，钱德?真是令人难以置信我没见过像她那样的人她的生活真是太令人称羡了她穿过以色列阵地幸好子弹没打中引擎我们才能越
过边界真是有惊无险我整晚都在谈我自己，抱歉你呢?说来听听嘛有一回晚上我搭地铁到布鲁克林区然后活着回来我们一直谈到两点那真是个美好的
夜晚可以这么说突然我们发现自己身在叶门我们,我们是谁?我和瑞克瑞克是谁?我丈夫噢呜呜呜呜呜呜呜这么说你们已经离婚没有对不起，这么说
你是寡妇?希望如此不，我们还是夫妻告诉我你丈夫做何感想?你坐在我身旁脚伸到我大腿足以数我口袋里的零钱?别担心，我想他会接受的因为他
也接受伊森这么做伊森?有伊森这号人物?伊森是我的男友什么?告诉我你期待我们之间会有什么关系既然你已有丈夫和男友大概是性关系吧真是遗
憾，你们吹了什么吹了?周四我还要和她约会难道你没听懂?难道你没听懂?这太离谱了你怎能和这种女人交往?开始我也无法接受但后来我想此事
百益而无一害只有谈天说笑和做爱不用负任何责任这是每个男人的梦想是吗?未必吧罗斯，这是你的梦想吗?当然不是没错，是你们男生不介意和已
有对象的女人交往?我办不到干得好，乔伊和女人交往时我必须确定我交往的对象比她多一夫一妻值得商榷就人类学的观点而言…行…这是你们的损
失逗你的，告诉我们吧快说，我们想知道好吧理查李奇提出这样的理论…现在都这样打招呼吗?我喜欢瞧，我大扫除了我擦窗户，拖地板我甚至还用
了吸尘器上的所有装置除了圆形有鬃毛那个之外因为我不知道用途为何没人知道，我们也不该问你们感觉怎样?你移动了垫椅怎么会呢?我不知道我
以为摆那儿会更好看咖啡桌旁就多了一个座位这倒有意思这样好了，只是好玩我们看它在原来位置的感觉如何只是做个比较放那儿也不错就摆那儿一
阵子吧我无法相信你竟敢搬动垫椅幸好你没摊开杂志否则她铁定会挖出你的眼睛各位，我没那么凶吧你就那么凶记得我们住在一起时吗?你就像个…
这太不公平了拜托，我们小时候你的”破娃娃”是唯一不破的我有责任感有组织性可是我也能很懒散好吧，懒女人，想像这个情况电话单来但你不立
刻去交钱为什么?因为你是个大懒人直拖到他们寄催缴通知单来我可以办到你让我去买日常用品我买了洗衣粉,但是是不容易弄出来那种.有人会那
样做吗?有人会想…有人在咖啡桌上留下杯子桌上没有垫子，天气很热,那是一杯冷饮小水珠逐渐逼近桌面…够了天啊，没错，我到是谁?摩妮卡，
你是妈妈那样的.天啊，好，我会去的我的经纪人打来的他安排我在艾尔帕西诺的新片中演出太棒了…演什么角色?你们能相信吗?是艾尔帕西诺我
就是喜欢他才立志要当演员我失控，你也失控这整个法庭都失控了言归正传，什么角色?当我认为已出局时他们却又将我拉回快老实说，什么角色?
你是…什么?我是他臀部的替身我演艾尔帕西诺的臀部他走进浴室然后我就是他的屁股天那别这样这是一部艾尔帕西诺主演大制作的电影别误会，这
真是太棒了这是你应得的这是你多年努力的成果你终于能登上大银幕行，笑吧，我不在乎这是我千载难逢的机会没错，你准备邀请我们参加你的首映
会吗?雷我得向你借些保湿乳液干什么呢?你认为呢?今天可是我的大日子好吧，进浴室要用什么自己拿只是别告诉我你在里面干什么谢谢乔伊在哪
儿?他妈打电话来他在浴室里，你最好别进去拜托，我们是室友我的眼睛!我的眼睛!我警告过你谁在大吼大叫一定是摩妮卡我能借点东西吗?萝拉
昨晚在这儿过夜我想为她做早点她陪你一夜?没错，我们只剩20分钟直到伊森…难道你后悔了?当然不后悔相信我，绝对值得在你交往的过程中有
多少重要的时刻会让你怀念一辈子?与萝拉相处的每一秒都是而我已浪费35秒和你们说话摩妮卡请帮我开门当然钱德，老摩妮卡会提醒你用塑胶刷
刷铁弗龙锅但我不会那么做的门把，可恶请个女人算了大家准备好没?我只是想感谢你给我这个机会解开浴袍这样才能演好，我正解开浴袍浴袍已解
开各位，我想一次解决来吧，放水开始停屁股男，你在干什么?我在洗澡不，你在挤屁股我认为他很沮丧他的太太死了，弟弟失踪了我想他的屁股一
定很愤怒我想他的屁股会想在午餐前杀青再来一次开机放水开始停你又在干什么?我要表现出绝望但如果你想问天啊，我爱这些手指谢谢不，我是指
我的手指你瞧它们多开心天啊，我来不及了我得走了好吧抱歉，他在等我了我以为你瑞克谈过不是瑞克什么?是伊森?他要陪你一整天不是他，是安
德鲁我知道我会后悔问你这个问题安德鲁是谁?新欢你是说瑞克，伊森和我三人还不能满足你?我以前不是这种人我们三人不知迷死多少女人你想要
什么?你你已拥有我不，只是你什么意思?甩掉其他人他们全部?我们这样不是很快乐吗?为什么不行?我们为何不能及时行乐?为何不能只是彼此
没有任何负担?今晚之前我以为这也是你想要的部分的我想要但我就像是双面人一个说”闭嘴，及时行乐”还有另一个他每回都挺身而出仗义直言他
说”这太丑陋了，快脱身”你听哪一个的话?我不知道，两人的话我得都听他们争执不休哪一个？第二个好吧，改变主意后再打电话给我吧抱歉，第
一个动口这样想吧，你把她甩了这女人性感，美丽聪明而且遥不可及再告诉我一次你为何这么做电影明星他回来了等等，你不是在艾尔帕西诺新片中
演屁股的那个?不是不是?怎么了，大个儿?大个儿?感觉就像”大个儿”时刻我被开除了没错，他们说我太投入了我到处宣扬现在大家都想到戏院
看我演…乔伊，没人会认出来的我妈就认得出来真是令人感动又呕心六年来我除了演些烂角色一事无成如今机会来了我竟将它搞砸等等，或许这不是
你的机会机会是否来临自己最清楚你感觉这是你的机会吗?很难分辨，我当时全身赤裸我不认为这是你唯一的机会你的机会不会只有一个我相信大好
机会就降临到你身上你必须想着将来有个小伙子跑到朋友面前说我被录取了…我要演乔伊的屁股你真好真遗憾，乔伊各位，我要去睡了晚安?，摩，
你要把鞋子留在这儿?真的?就这样乱丢?无所谓我明天再拿或者算了随便她真懒散既然这么困扰，就快去拿吧不，千万别去，太愚蠢了我无须证明
什么，我要去拿但如此一来他们都会知道除非我去拿然后早起放回去谁来帮我一把!剧终谢谢观赏107 The One With the B
lackout[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is
playing her guitar for the crowd.]Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh.
Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe
Buffay.(applause)Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song tha
ts about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all a
bout. OK, here we go. (plays a chord, then the lights go out) OK,
thank you very much.[Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandle
r is inside. The lights go out, and he realizes he is trapped ins
ide.]Chandler: Oh, great. This is just...(Chandler sees that ther
e is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a g
esture of quiet exuberance.)Opening Credits[Scene: Monica and Rac
hel''s, Monica is on the phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel, an
d Ross are there.]Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The ent
ire city is blacked out!Monica: Mom says it''s all of Manhattan, p
arts of Brooklyn and Queens, and they have no idea when it''s comi
ng back on.Rachel: Wow, you guys, this is big.Monica: (into phone
) Pants and a sweater? Why, mom? Who am I gonna meet in a blackou
t? Power company guys? Eligible looters? Could we talk about this
later? OK. (hangs up)Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to c
all my apartment and check on my grandma. (to Monica) What''s my n
umber? (Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe strangely.)Phoebe: Well,
I never call me.[Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is on the c
ellular phone. Chandler''s thoughts are in italics.]Chandler: Oh m
y God, it''s that Victoria''s Secret model. Something... something
Goodacre.Jill: (on phone) Hi Mom, it''s Jill.Chandler: She''s right
, it''s Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM ves
tibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it''s
an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!Jill
: (on phone) Yeah, I''m fine. I''m just stuck at the bank, in an AT
M vestibule.Chandler: Jill says vestibule... I''m going with vesti
bule.Jill: (on phone) I''m fine. No, I''m not alone... I don''t know
, some guy.Chandler: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. ''Hey Jill, I saw you
with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy. (Chandler stride
s proudly across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.)[Scene: Mo
nica''s apartment, Joey enters with a menorah, the candles lit.]Jo
ey: Hi everyone.Ross: And officiating at tonight''s blackout, is R
abbi Tribbiani.Joey: Well, Chandler''s old roomate was Jewish, and
these are the only candles we have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyo
ne.Phoebe: (at window) Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of c
andles.(They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in
pain.)Rachel: That had to hurt![Scene: ATM vestibule.]Chandler: A
lright, alright, alright. It''s been fourteen and a half minutes a
nd you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just m
ake contact, smile!(Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweet
ly.)Chandler: There you go!(He continues to smile like an idiot,
and she looks frightened.)Chandler: You''re definitely scaring her
e.Jill: (awkwardly) Would you like to call somebody? (offering ph
one)Chandler: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Ye
ah, thanks. (takes phone)[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, The phone r
ings; it''s Chandler.]Monica: Hello?Chandler: Hey, it''s me.Monica:
(to everyone) It''s Chandler! (on phone) Are you OK?Chandler: Yea
h, I''m fine. (trying to cover up what he is saying) I''m trppd in
an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr.Monica: What?Chandler: I''m trppd... in
an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr!Monica: I have no idea what you just
said.Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone.Joey: What''s up man
?Chandler: I''m trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR.Joey: (to
everyone) Oh my God! He''s trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill
Goodacre! (on phone) Chandler, listen. (says something intentiona
lly garbled)Chandler: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mi
nd.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, time has passed. The five are sit
ting around the coffee table talking.]Rachel: Alright, somebody.M
onica: OK, I''ll go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool table
.All: Whoooaa!Ross: That''s my sister.Joey: OK... my weirdest plac
e would have to be... the women''s room on the second floor of the
New York CIty public library.Monica: Oh my God! What were you do
ing in a library?Ross: Pheebs, what about you?Phoebe: Oh... Milwa
ukee.Rachel: Um... Ross?Ross: Disneyland, 1989, ''It''s a Small Wor
ld After All.''All: No way!Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol an
d I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... th
en they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the
Magic Kingdom.Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.Rachel: Oh come on, I already we
nt.Monica: You did not go!All: Come on.Rachel: Oh, alright. The w
eirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the foot of the b
ed. Ross: Step back.Joey: We have a winner![Time lapse, Ross and
Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe a
re out of the room.]Rachel: I just never had a relationship with
that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody r
ight there, in the middle of a theme park.Ross: Well, it was the
only thing to do there that didn''t have a line.Rachel: There, wel
l, see? Barry wouldn''t even kiss me on a miniature golf course. R
oss: Come on.Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people be
hind us.Ross: (sarcastically) And you didn''t marry him because...
?Rachel: I mean, do you think there are people who go through lif
e never having that kind of...Ross: Probably. But you know, I''ll
tell you something. Passion is way overrated. Rachel: Yeah right.
Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully,
what you''re left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the
case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those p
eople who miss out on that passion... thing, there''s all that oth
er good stuff.Rachel: (sigh) OK.Ross: But, um... I don''t think th
at''s going to be you.Rachel: You don''t.Ross: Uh-uh. See, I see...
. big passion in your future.Rachel: Really?Ross: Mmmm.Rachel: Yo
u do?Ross: I do.Rachel: Oh Ross, you''re so great. (she playfully
rubs his head and gets up)(Ross gets up, pleased with himself.)Jo
ey: It''s never gonna happen.Ross: (innocently) What?Joey: You and
Rachel.Ross: (acts surprised) What? (pause) Why not?Joey: Becaus
e you waited too long to make your move, and now you''re in the fr
iend zone. Ross: No, no, no. I''m not in the zone.Joey: Ross, you''
re mayor of the zone.Ross: I''m taking my time, alright? I''m layin
g the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit
closer to...Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I''m telling you, she ha
s no idea what you''re thinking. If you don''t ask her out soon you
''re going to end up stuck in the zone forever.Ross: I will, I wil
l. See, I''m waiting for the right moment. (Joey looks at him) Wha
t? What, now?Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What''s messing you up? The wine?
The candles? The moonlight? You''ve just got to go up to her and
say, ''Rachel, I think that...'' (Rachel comes into the room behind
them)Ross: Shhhh!Rachel: What are you shushing?Ross: We''re shush
ing... because... we''re trying to hear something. Listen. (everyo
ne is silent) Don''t you hear that?Rachel: Ahhhh!Ross: See?Rachel:
Huh. (she agrees, but looks very confused)[Scene: ATM vestibule.
]Jill: Would you like some gum?Chandler: Um, is it sugarless?Jill
: (checks) Sorry, it''s not.Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the
hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you
take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.[
Scene: Monica''s apartment, Phoebe is singing.]Phoebe: (singing) N
ew York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to m
e it is not scary, ''cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la
la, la la... (she writes the lyrics down)Ross: (to Joey) OK, her
e goes.Joey: Are you going to do it?Ross: I''m going to do it.Joey
: Do you want any help?Ross: You come out there, you''re a dead ma
n.Joey: Good luck, man.Ross: Thanks. (Joey hugs him) OK.Joey: OK.
(Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel)(Monica walks in
, starts to go out on the balcony.)Joey: Hey, where are you going
?Monica: Outside.Joey: You can''t go out there.Monica: Why not?Joe
y: Because of... the reason.Monica: And that would be?Joey: I, um
, can''t tell you.Monica: Joey, what''s going on?Joey: OK, you''ve g
ot to promise that you''ll never, ever tell Ross that I told you.M
onica: About what?Joey: He''s planning your birthday party.Monica:
Oh my God! I love him!Joey: (as Phoebe enters) You''d better act
surprised.Phoebe: About what?Monica: My surprise party!Phoebe: Wh
at surprise party?Monica: Oh stop it. Joey already told me.Phoebe
: Well, he didn''t tell me.Joey: Hey, don''t look at me. This is Ro
ss''s thing.Phoebe: This is so typical. I''m always the last one to
know everything.Monica: No, you are not. We tell you stuff.Phoeb
e: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten b
y the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had
a crush on Joey when he was moving in. (Monica gestures at Phoeb
e to shut up; Joey looks surprised but pleased) Looks like I was
second to last.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s Balcony, Ross and Rach
el are talking.]Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice.Ross: OK, I have
a question. Well, actually, it''s not so much a question as.. more
of a general wondering... ment.Rachel: OK.Ross: OK. Here goes. F
or a while now, I''ve been wanting to, um....Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (loo
king at something behind Ross)Ross: Yes, yes, that''s right...Rach
el: Oh, look at the little cat! (a small kitten is on the roof be
hind Ross)Ross: What? (the cat jumps on his shoulders) Ow![Cut to
inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross
and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross'' shoulder.]Monic
a, Joey, and Phoebe: (singing) I''m on top of the world, looking d
own on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonde
rs I''ve found ever since...Commercial Break[Scene: Monica and Rac
hel''s, Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica is treating the scratche
s on Ross'' back. Joey is holding the menorah over the wound.]Moni
ca: (to Ross) This is just Bactine. It won''t hurt.(Ross flinches
in pain.)Joey: Sorry, that was wax.Phoebe: Oh, poor little Tooty
is scared to death. We should find his owner.Ross: Why don''t we j
ust put ''poor little Tooty'' out in the hall?Rachel: During a blac
kout? He''d get trampled!Ross: (nonchalantly) Yeah?[Scene: ATM ves
tibule.]Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfe
ction. (Jill gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look) ''Gum w
ould be perfection''? ''Gum would be perfection.'' Could have said ''
gum would be nice,'' or ''I''ll have a stick,'' but no, no, no, no. F
or me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.[Scene: The hallway of
Monica''s building. Phoebe and Rachel are trying to find the cat''s
owner.]Phoebe: (stops at a door) Oh no, the Mendels, they hate a
ll living things, right?Rachel: Oh. (they knock at the next door,
Mr. Heckles answers) Hi. We just found this cat and we''re lookin
g for the owner.Mr. Heckles: Er, yeah, it''s mine.Phoebe: (trying
to hold back the struggling cat) He seems to hate you. Are you su
re?Mr. Heckles: Yeah, it''s my cat. Give me my cat.Phoebe: Wait a
minute. What''s his name?Mr. Heckles: Ehhhh... B-Buttons.Rachel: B
ob Buttons?Mr. Heckles: Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons.Phoeb
e: (the cat runs away from her) Oooh! You are a very bad man!Mr.
Heckles: (as Phoebe and Rachel leave) You owe me a cat.[Scene: Ra
chel has gone off on her own to look for the cat''s owner.]Rachel:
Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty. Where did you go, little ki
tty-kitty-kitty? Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty...(While looking at
the floor for the cat, Rachel runs into a pair of legs. She slow
ly gets up and sees a gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat. Who,
by the way, you''ll hate very, very soon. The man. Not the cat.)P
aolo: (something Italian)Rachel: Wow. (she exhales in amazement,
blowing the candle out)[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Ross, Monica,
and Joey are playing Monopoly.]Ross: (rolling) Lucky sixes....Ra
chel: (entering with Paolo, arm in arm) Everybody, this is Paolo.
Paolo, I want you to meet my friends. This is Monica.Monica: (sm
itten) Hi!Rachel: And Joey....Monica: Hi!Rachel: And Ross.Monica:
Hi!Paolo: (something in Italian)Rachel: (proudly) He doesn''t spe
ak much English.Paolo: (pointing at game) Monopoly! Rachel: Look
at that!Ross: (jealous) So, um... where did Paolo come from?Rache
l: Oh... Italy, I think.Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building
. Suddenly. Into our lives.Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turne
d out to be Paolo''s cat!Ross: That, that is funny... (to Joey)...
. and Rachel keeps touching him.(Phoebe enters.)Phoebe: Alright.
I looked all over the building and I couldn''t find the kitty anyw
here.Rachel: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo''s cat.Phoebe: Ah! Well
! There you go! Last to know again! And I''m guessing... since nob
ody told me... this is Paolo.Rachel: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe.Pa
olo: (something in Italian, he is apparently attracted to Phoebe)
Phoebe: (smiling) You betcha![Scene: ATM vestibule.]Chandler: (ch
ewing gum) Ah, let''s see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble''s go
od. It''s got a... boyish charm, it''s impish. Here we go.(Chandler
waits until Jill is looking, then starts to blow a bubble. But i
nstead of blow one, he accidentally spits the gum out of his mout
h and hits the wall.)Chandler: Nice going, imp. OK, it''s OK. All
I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth. (Chandler slyl
y grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in his mouth.)Ch
andler: Good save! We''re back on track, and I''m... (grimacing) ..
chewing someone else''s gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my
God! And now you''re choking. (Chandler starts to choke.)Jill: Are
you alright?(Chandler tries to save face and makes the ''OK'' sign
with his hands, while obviously unable to breathe.)Jill: My God,
you''re choking! (she runs over and gives him the Heimlich, the g
um flies from his mouth) That better?Chandler: (gasping) Yes... t
hank you. That was... that was....Jill: Perfection?[Scene: Monica
and Rachel''s, Rachel and Paolo are at the window. Ross and Joey
are watching disgustedly.]Paolo: (something romantic in Italian a
bout Rachel and the stars)Ross: (mocking Paolo) Blah blah blah, b
lah blah blah... blah blaaaaaah....(Rachel walks away from Paolo,
laughing.)Ross: Wha-What did he say that was so funny?Rachel: I
have absolutely no idea.Ross: That''s... that''s classic.Rachel: (t
o Monica and Phoebe) Oh my God, you guys, what am I doing? What a
m I doing? This is so un-me!Monica: If you want, I''ll do it.(Ross
looks at Joey.)Phoebe: I know, I just want to bite his bottom li
p. (Rachel looks at her) But I won''t.Rachel: God, the first time
he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than th
ree weeks in Bermuda with Barry.Phoebe: You know, did you ride mo
peds? ''Cause I''ve heard... (they stare at her)... oh, I see... it
''s not about that right now. OK.Rachel: Y''know, I know it''s total
ly superficial and we have absolutely nothing in common, and we d
on''t even speak the same language but Goooooooddddddd....[Cut to
the other side of the apartment, Ross has gone over to straighten
things out with Paolo.]Ross: Paolo. Hi.Paolo: Ross!(Ross notices
that Paolo is standing on a step, which makes him taller. Ross g
ets up on the same step so he can look down at Paolo.)Ross: Liste
n. Um, listen. Something you should... know... um, Rachel and I..
. we''re kind of a thing.Paolo: Thing?Ross: Thing, yes. Thing.Paol
o: Ah, you... have the sex?Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... s
ex is not... being had, but that''s... see, that''s not the point.
See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should be, er, togethe
r. You know, and if you get in the.... um... Paolo: Bed?Ross: No,
no, that''s not where I was going. Er, if you get in the... way,
of us becoming a thing, then I would be, well, very sad.Paolo: Oh
!Ross: Yeah! Se vice?Paolo: Si.Ross: So you do know a little Engl
ish.Paolo: Poco... a leetle.Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel
?Paolo: No.Ross: That''s funny, because you know, you are a huge c
rapweasel!(They hug.)[Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are
sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chai
ns in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pe
n around his head.]Jill: Chandler, we''ve been here for an hour do
ing this! Now watch, it''s easy.Chandler: OK.Jill: Ready? (she swi
ngs the pen around her head in a circle)(Chandler tries to do the
same thing but the pen hits him in the head.)Jill: No, you''ve go
t to whip it. (He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almo
st hits him again.)[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, the gang is all s
itting around the table.]Phoebe: Oh, look look look. The last can
dle''s about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... (time lapse)... negative
46, negative 47, negative 48.... (someone blows it out, the room
gets completely dark)Ross: Thank you.Phoebe: Thanks.Ross: Kinda..
. spooky without any lights.Joey: (does a maniacal laugh) Bwah-ha
h-hah!(Everyone starts to imitate him.)Ross: OK, guys, guys? I ha
ve the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...(The lights come back
on, and Rachel and Paolo are making out. Ross clutches his chest.
)Ross: Oh.. oh... oh.Joey: Hey Ross. This probably isn''t the best
time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica.Cl
osing Credits[Scene: ATM vestibule, the power has come back on.]J
ill: Well, this has been fun.Chandler: Yes. Yes, thanks for letti
ng me use your phone... and for saving my life.Jill: Well, goodby
e Chandler. I had a great blackout. (she kisses him on the cheek)
See ya.(She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass door
after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns to the sec
urity camera and starts talking to it.)Chandler: Hi, um, I''m acco
unt number 7143457. And, uh, I don''t know if you got any of that,
but I would really like a copy of the tape.End107 停电 各位请安静中央公园很荣
幸为各位介绍菲比小姐谢谢，首先我想演唱有关顿悟人生那一刻的歌开始罗非常感谢什么?这下可好真是太…这简直是酷毙了纽约大停电我妈说是整
个布鲁克林外加部份曼哈顿和皇后区不知何时恢复电力这可真是大停电制作：陶德史帝芬裤子和毛衣，为什么，妈?停电我能去见谁?电力公司的人
?单身的趁火打劫之徒?以后再聊，好吗?电话能借我吗？导演：詹姆斯布罗我想打回住处并确定我祖母是否安好等等，我的电话几号?我从未打电
话给自己过天啊，是她维多利亚秘密的模特儿叫…古亚克的妈，我是洁儿没错，洁儿古亚克没想到我和洁儿同时被困在提款机室是小室还是正厅?那
才是值得注意的对象，笨蛋对，我没事只是被困在银行提款机室洁儿说小室?那我也说小室我没事，不，旁边有人我不认识，某人某人?行，某人洁
儿，我昨晚看见你和某人在一起没错，他是某人.各位今晚主持停电晚会的是崔维安尼拉此钱德的老室友是个犹太人我们只剩这些蜡烛祝各位光明节
快乐瞧，丑陋裸男点燃几根蜡烛一定很痛已过了14分30秒你却连一字也没说争气点，打破沉闷微笑效果不错算了吧，你正在吓她想打电话给某人
吗?好啊，高中时代有三百个同学谢了是我是钱德你好吗?我还好我和洁儿吉亚克被困在提款机室什么?我和洁儿吉亚克被困在提款机室我听不懂你
在说什么叫乔伊听电话怎么了?我和洁儿吉亚克被困在提款机室噢,我的天那他和洁儿吉亚克被困在提款机室钱德，听着…别以为我没这个念头换人
，快好吧，换我大四在撞球台上这就是我妹啦我最奇怪的地方是在纽约市立图书馆二楼女厕拜托，你去图书馆干什么菲此，你呢?密尔瓦基罗斯?迪
士尼，1989年小小世界不可能…机器故障所以我和卡萝就到荷兰机器儿童后面他们好死不死正巧修好机器…从此他们禁止我们再到奇幻王国去瑞
秋呢?拜托，我说过了你才没那快点告诉我们好吧，最奇怪的地方是床脚我们今晚有优胜了我从来没有那种关系也没那种感受在主题乐园中你忽然欲
火中烧当时只有这件事可做巴瑞连在打迷你高尔夫时也不肯亲我少来他说这样会耽误后面的人你逃婚的原因是…你认为有人这辈子没有过那种…也许
吧但是我得告诉你激情被过度重视没错最后激情很快就退去但双方仍保有信赖，安全感和...以我前妻为例…女同志主义因此缺乏激情之人还有其
他可取之处但我想你不是那种人你认为我不是？我...对你的未来将充满激情你真的这样认为?没错罗斯，你真是太了不起了不可能发生的什么?
你和瑞秋为什么?因为你拖太久才行动现在只能待在”朋友区”不，我没在朋友区罗斯，你是朋友区主席我在静观其变，行吗?我正在为以后铺路我
每天往前推进一点圣人罗斯她根本不知道你在想什么如果再不快点约她出去你将困在朋友区永远无法脱身我会的我只是在等恰当的时机什么?什么?
你缺什么?美酒?烛光?月光?你只需走到她面前说瑞秋，我想你…你在嘘什么?因为我们正在听听什么?难道你没听见?听见没?想来片口香糖吗
?无糖的吗?抱歉，不是不，谢了你在搞什么东西?切记洁儿请你吃口香糖你就吃她叫你吃动物死尸你也得吃纽约大停电牛奶变酸不过没关系因为我
不喝牛奶我要去了.你决定啦?我决定了需要帮助吗?如果你想当电灯泡你就死定了罗斯…祝你幸运你要去哪里?外面.不行，你不能去外面为什么
?因为有理由什么理由?不能告诉你乔伊，到底怎么了?好吧，但你得答应我不会告诉罗斯是我说的说什么?他正在准备你的生日舞会天啊，我爱他
你最好装成一副吃惊的样子装什么?我的生日舞会什么生日舞会?少装蒜了乔伊已经告诉我了他没有告诉我别看我，这是罗斯的主意每次都这样我总
是最后知道的人你不是，我们都有告诉你是哦钱德在动物园被孔雀咬我是最后知道的人也是最后知道乔伊刚搬来时你对他有意思的人什么?看来我是
倒数第二感觉好好我有个问题也谈不上是问题只是好奇是这样的这些日子以来我一直想…对，没错瞧那只小猫!什么?这只是药不会痛的对不起，那
是蜡油可怜的小猫快吓死了我们得找到它的主人何不将它放在走廊?大停电时它会被踩死的是吗?考虑之后口香糖是绝佳的选择口香糖是绝佳的选择
?口香糖是绝佳的选择我大可说”我也来一片”但不，我说的是"口香糖是绝佳的选择"我真鄙视我自己不，她们是修女讨厌一切生物这下可好我们
刚捡到这只猫目前正在找它的主人猫是我的可是它似乎很讨厌你你确定吗?确定，猫是我的，把猫给我等等，它叫什么名字?鲍伯钮扣鲍伯钮扣?过
来，鲍伯钮扣你真是个大坏蛋你们欠我一只猫小猫咪…你上哪儿去了?小猫咪…你上哪儿去了?(意大利语)来吧，幸运六各位，他是保罗保罗，向
你介绍我的朋友这位是摩妮卡这位是乔伊还有罗斯他不太会讲英语大富翁是呀.保罗来自哪里?我猜是意大利不，我是指今晚这栋公寓?突然介入我
们的生活那只猫结果是保罗的这不是很有意思吗?我真不敢相信这是你的猫真有意思而且瑞秋不断摸他我找遍了整栋公寓但就是找不到猫我找到了，
是保罗的猫瞧，我又是最后一个知道由于没人告诉我我猜他就是保罗保罗，她叫菲比菲比.没错下一步呢?吹泡泡吹泡泡好展现男性魅力，顽皮的一
面来吧吹得可真好…不要紧我只需把手伸过去将它放回口中救得好现在我已重回轨道而且还嚼着别人的口香糖这不是我的口香糖很好,现在你呛到了
你没事吧天呀,你呛到了感觉好点没?好多了谢谢，那真是…绝佳的选择?他讲什么那么好笑?我完全搞不懂女人都这样天啊，我在干什么?这太不
像我了不介意的话我要上了我知道我只想咬他的下嘴唇但我不会这么做的他第一次对我微笑时那三秒钟比我和巴瑞在百慕达得三个礼拜还令我兴奋你
骑机踏车吗?因为我听说…我离题了我知道这样很肤浅而且我们毫无共通点连语言也不通但...保罗罗斯听着有件事你该了解瑞秋和我有那么一点
一点?你们做爱没有？技术上而言，还没做爱但这不是重点重点是瑞秋和我应该…在一起，而你加入.......床上?不是，我不是指那个如果
你让我们无法结台我会非常…难过噢太好了你懂一点英文会一点对，你懂什么叫”二百五”不懂不懂?真好笑因为你就是个超级二百五钱德，我们已
玩了一小时很简单的，准备好没?试试看不，你该拍一下看，最后一根蜡烛就要燃尽10，9，8，7-46，-47，-48?，．46，一47
，一48?，．没有灯光有点恐怖停，我这个最逼真罗斯，现在提并不恰当但你得为摩尼卡开个舞会玩得真开心对，谢谢你的手机并救了我的命再见
了，钱德此次停电我玩得很开心再见我的帐号是7143457我不知道你有没有录到但我想要这一卷录影带剧终谢谢观赏108 The One
Where Nana Dies Twice[Scene: Chandler''s Office, Chandler is on a
coffee break. ? Shelley enters.)Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how''s it
going?Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lig
hts... does it get better than this?Shelley: Question. You''re not
dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be per
fect for you.Chandler: Ah, y''see, perfect might be a problem. Had
you said ''co-dependent'', or ''self-destructive''...Shelley: Do you
want a date Saturday?Chandler: Yes please.Shelley: Okay. He''s cu
te, he''s funny, he''s-Chandler: He''s a he?Shelley: Well yeah! ...O
h God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I''m just gonna go flush
myself down the toilet now...(backs out of the room) Okay, goodb
ye...Opening Credits[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, everyone is ther
e.)Chandler: ...Couldn''t enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mea
n, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?
Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y''know, I
thought maybe, possibly, you might be... Chandler: You did?Rache
l: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe''s entire birthday party talkin
g to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.Chandler: Huh. Did,
uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met m
e?Monica: I did.Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah.Joey: Not me.Ross:
Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y''know, back in college, Susan S
allidor did.Chandler: You''re kidding! Did you tell her I wasn''t?R
oss: No. No, it''s just ''cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with
her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman
... who also liked her, so...(Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chand
ler''s look and abruptly stops.)Chandler: Well, this is fascinatin
g. So, uh, what is it about me?Phoebe: I dunno, ''cause you''re sma
rt, you''re funny...Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d''you ever
think that about him?All: Yeah! Right!Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!Monic
a: Okay, I-I d''know, you-you just- you have a quality.All: Yes. A
bsolutely. A quality.Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I
was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.(Phone rings
; Monica gets it)Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it''s Paolo cal
ling from Rome. Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (Takes phon
e) Bon giorno, caro mio. Ross: (to Joey) So he''s calling from Rom
e. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome.Rachel: Monica, your da
d just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. (Sh
owing off to Phoebe and Chandler) I''m talking to Rome.Monica: Hey
dad, what''s up? (Listens) Oh God. Ross, it''s Nana.[Scene: The Ho
spital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. R
oss and Monica enter and everyone says hi and kisses.)Ross: So, u
h, how''s she doing?Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it''s a matter of
hours.Monica: How-how are you, Mom?Mrs. Geller: Me? I''m fine, fi
ne. I''m glad you''re here. ...What''s with your hair?Monica: What?M
rs. Geller: What''s different?Monica: Nothing.Mrs. Geller: Oh, may
be that''s it.(Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee,
and talks to him aside.)Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother i
s...Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, i
t looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cov
er.Monica: Oh God!(They hug.)[Cut to the hospital, later. Everyon
e is talking about Nana.]Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bo
ttom of her purse. Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you kn
ow what I loved? Her Sweet ''n'' Los. How she was always stealing t
hem from- from restaurants.Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from
our house.(The nurse comes out of Nana''s room.)Nurse: Mrs. Gelle
r?(Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana''s room.)Ros
s: She looks so small. Monica: I know.Ross: Well, at least she''s
with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now. Monica: G''bye, Nana. (She kiss
es her on the forehead.)Ross: Bye, Nana. (He goes to kiss her but
she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief.
Monica runs out of the room.)Monica: Ross!(Ross runs out too.)Mrs
. Geller: What is going on?!Ross: Y''know how-how the nurse said t
hat-that Nana had passed? Well, she''s not, quite..Mrs. Geller: Wh
at?Ross: She''s not- past, she''s present, she''s back.Aunt Lillian:
(reentering) What''s going on?Mr. Geller: She may have died.Aunt
Lillian: She may have died?Mr. Geller: We''re looking into it.(Mon
ica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana''s room.)Ross: I,
uh, I''ll go see. (He goes in)Nurse: This almost never happens!(N
ana passes for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket ov
er her. Ross and Monica go to tell the family)Ross: Now she''s pas
sed.[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are
there.]Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?Rachel:
(exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that''s exactly what it is. It''s you
r hair.Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.(Monica and Ross en
ter.)Rachel: So, um, did she...Ross: Twice.Joey: Twice?Phoebe: Oh
, that sucks!Joey: You guys okay?Ross: I dunno, it''s weird. I mea
n, I know she''s gone, but I just don''t feel, uh...Phoebe: Maybe t
hat''s ''cause she''s not really gone.Ross: Nono, she''s gone.Monica:
We checked. A lot.Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really go
es. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling
that she''s like right here, y''know? (She circles her hand around
her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back n
ervously) Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got st
ruck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this r
eally strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yello
w pencils, y''know? ...I miss her.Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want th
is? (Gives her a pencil)Phoebe: Thanks!Rachel: Sure. I just sharp
ened her this morning.Joey: Now, see, I don''t believe any of that
. I think once you''re dead, you''re dead! You''re gone! You''re worm
food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So Chandler looks gay, huh?
Phoebe: Y''know, I dunno who this is, but it''s not Debbie. (Hands
back the pencil)[Scene: Nana''s house, Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt
Lillian are going through clothes.]Ross: I thought it was gonna b
e a closed casket.Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn''t mean she can''t
look nice!(They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, cont
ains a chest of drawers)Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can g
et in there?Ross: (sarcastic) I don''t see why not.(He tries pushi
ng against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers
and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest
of drawers with a shout.)Ross: Here''s my retainer![Scene: Monica
and Rachel''s, Monica is talking to her father.]Mr. Geller: I was
just thinking. When my time comes-Monica: Dad!Mr. Geller: Listen
to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.Monica: You
what?Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun. Mon
ica: Define fun.Mr. Geller: C''mon, you''ll make a day of it! You''l
l rent a boat, pack a lunch...Monica: ...And then we throw your b
ody in the water... Gee, that does sound fun.Mr. Geller: Everyone
thinks they know me. Everyone says ''Jack Geller, so predictable''
. Maybe after I''m gone, they''ll say ''Buried at sea! Huh!''.Monica:
That''s probably what they''ll say.Mr. Geller: I''d like that.[Scen
e: Chandler''s Office, Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters
.]Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.Shelley: (sheepish) Hey. Look, I''m sorr
y about yesterday, I, um-Chandler: No, nono, don''t- don''t worry a
bout it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same m
istake.Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew! Chandler: So, uh... what do you t
hink it is about me?Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a...C
handler: ...Quality, right, great.Shelley: Y''know, it''s a shame,
because you and Lowell would''ve made a great couple.Chandler: Low
ell? Financial Services'' Lowell, that''s who you saw me with?Shell
ey: What? He''s cute!Chandler: Well, yeah... ''s''no Brian in Payrol
l.Shelley: Is Brian...?Chandler: No! Uh, I d''know! The point is,
if you were gonna set me up with someone, I''d like to think you''d
set me up with someone like him.Shelley: Well, I think Brian''s a
little out of your league.Chandler: Excuse me? You don''t think I
could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me.
...I''m really not.[Scene: Nana''s Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress
out from inside the closet.]Ross: (holding a dress out from insi
de the closet) This one?Aunt Lillian: No.Ross: I have shown you e
verything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity
in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy.Aunt Lillian: Y
ou know, whatever we pick, she would''ve told us it''s the wrong on
e.Mrs. Geller: You''re right. We''ll go with the burgundy.Ross: Oh!
A fine choice. I''m coming out. (Starts to climb over the furnitu
re)Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!(Ross falls back inside)Ross
: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a pair)Mrs. Geller: That''
s really a day shoe.Ross: And where she''s going everyone else''ll
be dressier?Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer hee
l?Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe
in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may wo
rk.Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.Mrs. Geller: Mm
. Unless we go with a different dress?Ross: No! Nonono, wait a se
c. I may have something in the back.(He finds a shoebox (out of s
hot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet ''n'' Lo''s.)R
oss: Oh my God..Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear?Ross:
Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.(He reaches up higher and knocks do
wn another shoebox lid. Sweet ''n'' Lo''s rain down on him)Commercia
l Break[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica and Rachel are prepari
ng to leave for the funeral.]Ross: (entering) How we doing, you g
uys ready?Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me no
t to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best featur
e?Ross: Some days it''s all I can think about. Phoebe: (entering)
Hi, sorry I''m late, I couldn''t find my bearings.Rachel: Oh, you-y
ou mean your earrings?Phoebe: What''d I say?Rachel: (sticking her
foot out) Hm-m.Monica: Are these the shoes?Rachel: Yes. Paolo sen
t them from Italy.Ross: What, we-uh- we don''t have shoes here, or
...?Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We ready to go?Chandl
er: Well, don''t we look nice all dressed up?...It''s stuff like th
at, isn''t it?(They all leave.)[Scene: The cemetary, after the fun
eral.]Monica: It was a really beautiful service.Mrs. Geller: It r
eally was. Oh, c''mere, sweetheart. (Hugs her) Y''know, I think it
might be time for you to start using night cream.(Joey listens to
his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watch
ing)Joey: What?Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remar
kably like Brent Mussberger.Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (
He has a pocket TV)Chandler: You''re watching a football game at a
funeral?Joey: No, it''s the pre-game. I''m gonna watch it at the r
eception.Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.(Rachel
steps in a patch of mud)Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!Ross:
Oh, I hope they''re not ruined.Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...W
hat? Weather-wise!Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... eve
n though Nana''s gone there''s, there''s something almost, uh- I dun
no, almost life-aff- (Not looking where he is going he falls into
an open grave)All: God! Ross!Ross: I''m fine. Just-just... having
my worst fear realised...[Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers'' house
. Ross is lying on his back, with Phoebe squatting over him, chec
king to see if he''s injured.]Phoebe: Okay, don''t worry, I''m just
checking to see if the muscle''s in spasm...huh.Ross: What, what i
s it?Phoebe: You missed a belt loop. Ross: Oh! No-n-Phoebe: Okay,
it''s in spasm.Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these whe
n I had my golfing accident. (Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then
turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears)(Cut to Chandler
and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)Chandler
: Oh, no-Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I''m Dorothy''s daughter.Chandler: Hi,
I''m Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.(They shake hands
. Cut to Ross emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. He is ob
viously very stoned)Phoebe: Hey, look who''s up! How do you feel?R
oss: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.Monica: Wow, thos
e pills really worked, huh?Ross: Not the first two, but the secon
d two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I lo
ve my sister (Kisses Monica), I love Pheebs... (Hugs her)Phoebe:
Ooh! That''s so nice...Ross: ...Chandler! Chandler: Hey.Ross: (hug
s him) And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn''t matt
er to me.Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk o
ff and leave Chandler.)Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (Sits down be
side her) I love you the most.Rachel: (humouring him) Oh, well yo
u know who I love the most?Ross: No.Rachel: You!Ross: Oh.. you do
n''t get it! (Passes out and slumps across her)(Cut to Joey watchi
ng TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappoin
tment.)Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there?Joey: (hides the TV, but he
still has an earphone) Just a, uh... hearing disability.Mr. Gelle
r: What''s the score?Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minu
tes to go in the third.Mr. Geller: Beautiful! (Turns to watch wit
h him)(Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game
)Rachel: (still trapped under Ross) Pheebs, could you maybe hand
me a cracker?Mrs. Geller: (to Monica) Your grandmother would have
hated this.Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral an
d all.Mrs. Geller: No, I''d be hearing about ''Why didn''t I get the
honey-glazed ham?'', I didn''t spend enough on flowers, and if I s
pent more she''d be saying ''Why are you wasting your money? I don''
t need flowers, I''m dead''.Monica: That sounds like Nana.Mrs. Gell
er: Do you know what it''s like to grow up with someone who is cri
tical of every single thing you say?Monica: ...I can imagine.Mrs.
Geller: I''m telling you, it''s a wonder your mother turned out to
be the positive, life-affirming person that she is.Monica: That
is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all o
ver again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her?
Mrs. Geller: Tell her what?Monica: How she drove you crazy, picki
ng on every little detail, like your hair... for example.Mrs. Gel
ler: I''m not sure I know what you''re getting at.Monica: Do you th
ink things would have been better if you''d just told her the trut
h?Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better left unsaid.
I think it''s nicer when people just get along. Monica: Huh.Mrs.
Geller: More wine, dear?Monica: Oh, I think so.Mrs. Geller: (reac
hes out to fiddle with Monica''s hair again, and realises) Those e
arrings look really lovely on you.Monica: Thank you. They''re your
s.Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana''s.(There is a cry of disap
pointment from the crowd of men.)Mr. Geller: Now I''m depressed! .
..(To everyone) Even more than I was.[Scene: Central Perk, the ga
ng are looking at old photos.]Rachel: Hey, who''s this little nake
d guy?Ross: That little naked guy would be me.Rachel: Aww, look a
t the little thing.Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we
be grown-ups now?Chandler: Who are those people?Ross: Got me.Mon
ica: Oh, that''s Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back)
''Me and the gang at Java Joe''s''. Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look j
ust like your grandmother. How old was she there?Monica: Let''s se
e, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all lo
ok at each other and smile)Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I
got Monica naked!Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again. I
''m, uh, just trying something.Closing Credits[Scene: Chandler''s O
ffice, Chandler is on a coffee break as Lowell enters.]Chandler:
Hey, Lowell.Lowell: Hey, Chandler.Chandler: So how''s it going the
re in Financial Services?Lowell: It''s like Mardi Gras without the
paper mache heads. How ''bout you?Chandler: Good, good. Listen, h
eh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I''m not.Lo
well: I know. That''s what I told her.Chandler: Really.Lowell: Yea
h.Chandler: So- you can tell?Lowell: Pretty much, most of the tim
e. We have a kind of... radar.Chandler: So you don''t think I have
a, a quality?Lowell: Speaking for my people, I''d have to say no.
By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is.Chandler: He i
s?Lowell: Yup, and waaay out of your league. (Exits)Chandler: Out
of my league. I could get a Brian. (Brian enters behind him) If
I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Bri
an.End108 （祖母）娜娜死了两回帅哥，如何?萤光灯下的脱水日本面我能有多好?问你一个问题你目前没有约会的对象吧?我遇见一个
和你是绝配的人绝配或许是个问题你若说共同独立或自我毁灭的话…周六想要有个约会的对象吗?当然，拜托了他人帅而且风趣，他…他?糟了，我
以为…你是个有为的青年很好，雪莉我要到马桶去把自己冲掉再见听完后我没心情吃面了这不荒谬吗?你能相信她会有这样的想法吗?我第一次见到
你时我以为你是你真的这样认为?对，但后来你在菲比的生日会上一直盯着我的胸部我想你大概不是吧你们第一次看见我时也是这样认为?我是我不
觉得我也是虽然大学时代的苏珊这样认为开什么玩笑?你有告诉她我不是吗?没有没有，因为我也想跟她约会我告诉她你和伯尼是一对因为他也喜欢
她所以这简直是太神奇了是什么原因?我不知道因为你既聪明又风趣罗斯也是聪明又风趣你们有想过他是吗?是哦到底是为什么?我也说不上来但你
就是有那种调调没错调调?说得好我还担心你们看不出呢瑞秋，是保罗从罗马打来的天啊，从罗马打来(意大利语)了不起，他从罗马打来我也可以
我到罗马去就是了摩妮卡，你爸打来的你能长话短说吗?我正和罗马通电话爸，怎么了?我的天罗斯，是奶奶你们还好吧?她的情况如何?医生说只
剩几小时了妈，你还好吧?我?我还好真高兴见到你们来你的头发怎么了?什么?看起来有点不同.没什么变化呀.或许是这个缘故她真是令人难以
置信放松点看来我们得在这儿待一段时间了免不了还要谈你男友和工作的事我的老天她皮包里有发霉的钱币真呕心你们知道我喜欢什么吗?她的人工
袋糖她总是从餐厅里偷走不只是餐厅，我们家也一样格雷太太她看起来好小我知道至少她现在有阿公和婶婶陪伴别了，奶奶再见，奶奶罗斯护士怎么
了？护士说她已过世了，实际上不是什么?她还没完全过世她还活着，她回来了怎么回事?她可能死了她可能死了?我们也想知道我进去看看这种事
几乎不可能发生她过世了我必须要知道是我的头发?对，正是你的头发你有一头同性恋的头发她怎么样了?两次两次?你们还好吧?说不上来，好诡
异我知道她已过世但我感觉...或许是因为她还没有不，她过世了我们检查了好多遍或许人不会真正过世我妈死后我偶尔会感觉她就在身旁还有黛
此我初中最要好的朋友在打迷你高尔夫时被闪电击中用那枝黄色铅笔时我总感到一股强烈的”心灵感应”我好想念她来，菲此，你要吗?谢谢不客气
，早上刚削好的我不信这一套人死了就是死了死了就成了虫的食物钱德看起来像个同性恋?我不知道此人是谁但绝对不是黛比我以为要用密封的棺木
这并不代表她不能看起来体面一点孩子，你想你能进去吗?当然可以我的牙齿矫正器我在想我走的时候爸听我说我走的时候我要海葬什么?我要海葬
好像挺有意思的定义一下那一天你们会玩得很开心的你们会乘着船带着午餐…然后把你的尸体丢人大海真是有意思每个人都自认为了解我他们都说杰
克太一成不变了或许我死后他们会说海葬,哈?他们大概会这么说吧希望如此美女昨天的事很抱歉我别担心相信我，显然别人也犯了相同的错误你认
为是我的缘故?我说不上来你就是有那种调调，是哦真可惜因为你和罗尔本来很登对罗尔?会计部门的罗尔你觉得我们很配?有何不可?他很帅他不
像布莱恩布莱恩是不是...?重点是如果你想替我配对我希望你会挑他我想你配不上布莱恩对不起你认为我配不上他?因为我配得上他相信我我真
的配不上这一个?不是我已让你们看过每件衣服除非你们想让她永远穿着柠檬黄长裤配上紫红色衣服不论我们选什么她都会说我们选错了没错，就选
紫红色吧不错的选择，我要出来了等等，还缺鞋子这一双如何?这是一双日鞋她去的地方大家会穿得更正式?能找鞋跟细一点的鞋吗?我找不到紫红
色的晚鞋不过有双银色的鞋或许适合不行，一定要紫红色除非我们另找一件套装不,等等我看看后面或许有天呀你没事吧，孩子?没事，只是奶奶的
东西各位如何?准备好了没?早上妈来电叫我别扎头发你知道我的耳朵并不是我最漂亮的部位吗?有时候我认为是抱歉，我迟到了我找不到我的”耳
圈”你是指你的耳环?我刚说什么?你穿这一双?对，保罗从义大利寄来的我们这儿没卖鞋子?早安，准备走了没?穿戴整齐后我们不是都好看许多
?人模人样的刚刚的仪式简单而隆重可不是吗过来，心肝你该使用晚霜了怎么了?没什么，你的外套很吵瞧，巨人队对牛仔队你在葬礼时看足球赛?
不，比赛还没开始我要在接待会上看比赛你真是个恶劣的人不，保罗送我的新鞋希望没坏你没事吧?多美好的一天啊什么?我是指天气对，空气，树
木即使奶奶已过世就好像...罗斯，你还好吧?罗斯…我没事只是我最大的梦魇终于成真别担心我只是看看你是否肌肉痉挛怎么了?你的皮带穿孔
掉了一个是痉挛来，孩子我擦伤时都用这个妈，谢谢抱歉，我叫安朵拉桃乐丝的女儿我叫钱德我不知道桃乐丝是谁看看谁出现了感觉如何?感觉好多
了…那些药丸可真有效对，不是第一次那两颗而是后来那两颗我爱你们大家你们是最棒的我爱我的妹妹我爱菲此钱德，我爱你听着，如果你想当同志
就当吧我不在乎你说得对瑞秋我最爱你了知道我最爱谁吗?不知道你我不懂那是什么?我听力不好比数多少?巨人队以17比14领先第三节只剩3
分钟结束好极了菲此，能拿块饼干给我吗?你奶奶一定不喜欢的当然，这是她的葬礼我听到的是”我为何没有糖浆火腿?”或是”我买的花不够”如
果我买多了她又会说”何必花那么多钱我死了不需要花”口气像奶奶知道和批评你每句话的人在一起生活是什么滋味?我可以想像告诉你我会成为积
极乐观的人真是个奇迹妈，告诉我如果可以重来如果此时她在这儿你会告诉她吗?告诉她什么?她如何使你抓狂挑剔每一件事例如你的头发我不懂你
在说什么难道你不认为说出实话情况会改善吗?不认为我认为某些事最好还是不要说家和万事兴再来些酒,亲爱的.你戴这副耳环真好看谢谢，你给
我的其实是奶奶的真叫人难过比刚才还难过这个光屁股的是谁?那个人就是我瞧那个小东西对，那是我的小弟弟成熟点行吗?那些人是谁?可把我问
倒了中间那一个是奶奶我看看我和大伙儿摄于在爪哇乔家摩妮卡你和你奶奶长得一模一样当时她几岁?1939年…39年24或25岁他们好像玩
得很开心看…光屁股的摩妮卡我看看不，还是我我在尝试新事物罗威钱德会计部门的情况如何?简直一团乱你呢?很好我不知道雪莉如何对你说我这
个人但是我不是（同性恋）.我知道，我也是这样告诉她的真的?你看得出来?十之八九我们有某种…雷达这么说你认为我没那种调调代表男同志发
言我得说没有对了，你朋友布莱恩,他是他是?而且你配不上他我配不上他我可以得到布莱恩如果我愿意你好,布莱恩109 The One W
here Underdog Gets Away[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confrontin
g her boss, Terry.]Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven''t wor
ked here very long, but I was wondering, do you think it would be
possible if I got a $100 advance in my salary?Terry: An advance?
Rachel: It''s so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See
, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays fo
r my ticket, but I sort of started the whole independence thing,
you know, which is actually why I took this job.Terry: Rachel, Ra
chel, sweetheart. You''re a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, r
eally awful.Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you''re sayin''. I''m with yo
u. Um, but I, but I''m trying really hard. And I think I''m doing b
etter. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? (everyone in the pl
ace raises their hand) Oh, look at that.Opening Credits[Scene: Ce
ntral Perk, Rachel is approaching a customer.]Rachel: Excuse me,
sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do you
think there''s a possibility that you could give me an advance on
my tips?Guy: Huh?Rachel: Ok, ok, that''s fine. Fine. Hey, I''m sorr
y about that spill before. (picks up the tip he leaves) Only $98.
50 to go. (Monica enters.)Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and
Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?Ross: No, they''re
not.Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them.Ross: You''re
wrong.Monica: I am not wrong.Ross: You''re wrong.Monica: No, I jus
t talked to them.Ross: (getting up, upset) I''m calling Mom.(Joey
enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.)Joey: Hey, hey.Chandl
er: Hey.Phoebe: Hey.Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help depa
rtment. Are you wearing makeup?Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am
officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.Chandler: That''s so
funny, ''cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani,
man slash woman.Phoebe: What were you modeling for?Joey: You know
those posters for the city free clinic?Monica: Oh, wow, so you''r
e gonna be one of those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"?Phoebe:
You know, the asthma guy was really cute.Chandler: Do you know wh
ich one you''re gonna be?Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open
, so... (crosses fingers) Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you ge
t it.Joey: Thanks.(Ross comes back to the couch.)Ross: (to Monica
) Well, you were right. How can they do this to us, huh? It''s Tha
nksgiving. Monica: Ok, I''ll tell you what. How about I cook dinne
r at my place? I''ll make it just like Mom''s.Ross: Will you make t
he mashed potatoes with the lumps?Monica: You know, they''re not a
ctually supposed to have... (Ross looks at her sheepishly) I''ll w
ork on the lumps. Joey, you''re going home, right?Joey: Yeah.Monic
a: And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgr
im holidays.Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.Monica: Phoeb
e, you''re gonna be with your grandma?Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfrie
nd. But we''re celebrating Thanksgiving in December ''cause he is l
unar.Monica: So you''re free Thursday, then.Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can
I come?Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you''re gonna make it
to Vail?Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred a
nd two dollars to go.Chandler: I thought it was $98.50.Rachel: Ye
ah, well it was. I, I broke a cup.Ross: Well, I''m off to Carol''s.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don''t we invite her?Ross: (mimicking) Ooh,
ooh. Because she''s my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring he
r, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.[Scene: Carol and Susan''s apart
ment, Susan is there. Ross enters.]Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here
?Susan: No, she''s at a faculty meeting.Ross: Oh, I uh, just came
by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...Susan: Come in.Ross
: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get
it back to the museum.Susan: What''s it look like?Ross: Kinda like
a big face without skin.Susan: Yes, I''m familiar with the concep
t. We can just look for it.Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow
, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein'' a lesbian.Susan:
Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don''t
let you do it. Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Tur
tle. A classic.Susan: Actually, I''m reading it to the baby.Ross:
The uh, the baby that hasn''t been born yet? Wouldn''t that mean yo
u''re... crazy?Susan: What, you don''t think they can hear sounds i
n there?Ross: You''re not serious, I mean, you really... you reall
y talk to it?Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know m
y voice.Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me?Susan: Yeah, yeah,
all the time.Ross: Really?Susan: But um, we just refer to you as
Bobo the Sperm Guy.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, everyone is there
but Rachel.]Ross: Look, if she''s talking to it, I just think tha
t I should get some belly time too. Not that I believe any of thi
s.Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear eve
rything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but
you put your head inside this turkey, and then we''ll all talk, a
nd you''ll hear everything we say.Chandler: I''d just like to say t
hat I''m totally behind this experiment. In fact, I''d very much li
ke to butter your head.(Rachel enters.)Monica: Hey, Rach, did you
make your money?Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget
seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.Monica: Rach, here''s
your mail.Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.Monic
a: (insistently) No, here''s your mail.Rachel: Thanks, you can jus
t put it on the table.Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you j
ust open it?(Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.)Rac
hel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.Monica: We all chipped in.
Joey: (to Monica) We did?Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks.Ra
chel: Thank you. Thank you so much!Monica: (hands Chandler a bag)
Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast,
you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin''s, and your f
amily size bag of Funyuns.Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is w
hat you''re havin'' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it
with you and this holiday?Chandler: All right, I''m nine years ol
d.Ross: Oh, I hate this story.Chandler: We just finished this mag
nificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vi
vidly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my paren
ts choose to tell me they''re getting divorced.Rachel: Oh my god.C
handler: Yes. It''s very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving di
nner once you''ve seen it in reverse.[Scene: The subway, Joey spot
s a gorgeous woman waiting. He goes up to her.]Joey: Uh, hi. We u
h, we used to work together.Girl: We did?Joey: Yeah, at Macy''s. Y
ou were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Aramis guy. (pretend
s to spray cologne) Aramis? Aramis? Girl: Yeah, right.Joey: I got
ta tell you. You''re the best in the business.Girl: Get out.Joey:
I''m serious. You''re amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay
back.Girl: Really? You don''t know what that means to me.Joey: Oo
h, you smell great tonight. What''re you wearing?Girl: (provocativ
ely) Nothing.Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or someth
ing?Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind Joey) Oh.J
oey: What''s wrong?Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something
.Joey: Oh. What?Girl: Um, leave.Joey: Wait, wait, wait!(Joey turn
s around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. The poster
says: What Mario isn''t telling you...V.D., you never know who mig
ht have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the poster display
ed all over New York City.)[Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amo
ngst snickers from the gang.]Joey: So I guess you all saw it.Rach
el: Saw what?Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how lau
ghter can be infectious.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Joey enters,
upset.]Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire famil
y thinks I have VD.Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.C
ommercial Break[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica is cooking Tha
nksgiving dinner. Chandler is standing in the doorway, not wantin
g to participate in the festivities.]Monica: Mmm, looking good. O
k, cider''s mulling, turkey''s turking, yams are yamming. (notices
Ross is depressed) What?Ross: I don''t know. It''s just not the sam
e without Mom in the kitchen.Monica: All right, that''s it. You kn
ow what? Just get out of my way and stop moping.Ross: That''s clos
er.(Rachel enters, excited.)Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the
tickets! Five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop.Chandler: Oh, y
ou must stop shooping.Rachel: Ok, I''m gonna get my stuff.Joey: Ch
andler, will you just come in already?Chandler: No, I prefer to k
eep a safe distance from all this merriment.(Phoebe takes a slice
of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of Chandler''s face.)Phoebe:
Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when
you did it with the stuffing, but that''s not funny anymore.(Chan
dler leaves.)Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don''t see any
tater tots.Monica: That''s not a question.Joey: But my mom always
makes them. It''s like a tradition. You get a little piece of tur
key on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It''s bad e
nough I can''t be with my family because of my disease.Monica: All
right, fine. Tonight''s potatoes will be both mashed with lumps,
and in the form of tots.Ross: Ok, I''m off to talk to my unborn ch
ild. (Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his hand away.)Monic
a: Ah!Ross: Ok, Mom never hit.(Ross exits.)Phoebe: (stirring pot)
Ok, all done.Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ro
ss needs lumps!Phoebe: Oh, I''m sorry, oh, I just, I thought we co
uld have them whipped and then add some peas and onions.Monica: W
hy would we do that?Phoebe: Well, ''cause then they''d be like my m
om used to make them, you know, before she died.Monica: Ok, three
kinds of potatoes coming up.Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thank
s for everything. (she starts to leave, and hits everyone with he
r skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!(Chandler enters, running.)Chandler:
The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gott
en away.Joey: The balloon?Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon ch
aracter. Of course the balloon. It''s all over the news. Right bef
ore he reached Macy''s, he broke free and was spotted flying over
Washington Square Park. I''m goin'' to the roof, who''s with me?Rach
el: I can''t, I gotta go.Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable
dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen?Phoebe: A
lmost never.Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys!Rachel: Ok.(Eve
ryone leaves the apartment.)[Scene: Carol and Susan''s, Ross is pr
eparing to talk to her belly.]Carol: Anytime you''re ready.Ross: O
k, ok, here we go. (he crouches down near her stomach) Ok, where
am I talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that se
ems to offer a certain acoustical advantage, but...Carol: Just ai
m for the bump.Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you
know, can''t do this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel stupid.Carol:
So don''t do it, it''s fine. You don''t have to do it just because S
usan does it.Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello.[S
cene: Monica and Rachel''s, the group is coming back from the roof
.]Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog sha
dow all over the park.Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot hi
m down? I mean, that was just mean.Monica: Ok, right about now th
e turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Wh
y are we standing here?Rachel: We''re waiting for you to open the
door. You got the keys.Monica: No I don''t.Rachel: Yes, you do. Wh
en we left, you said, "got the keys."Monica: No I didn''t. I asked
, "got the ke-eys?"Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys".C
handler: Do either of you have the keys?Monica: (panicked) The ov
en is on.Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket!Joey: Wait, wait, we h
ave a copy of your key.Monica: Well then get it, get it!Joey: Tha
t tone will not make me go any faster.Monica: (angry) Joey!Joey:
That one will. (Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.)[Scene: C
arol and Susan''s, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her stomac
h.]Ross: And everyone''s telling me, you gotta pick a major, you g
otta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you
have no idea what I''m saying, because, let''s face it, you''re a fe
tus. You''re just happy you don''t have gills anymore.Carol: Look,
you don''t have to talk to it. You can sing to it if you want.Ross
: Oh, please. I am not singing to your stomach, ok?(Susan enters.
)Susan: Hi, how''s it goin?Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walk
in'' down the street, get the funniest looks from, everyone we mee
t. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you just feel that?Carol: I
did.Ross: Does it always, uh--?Carol: No, no that was the first.S
usan: Keep singing! Keep singing!Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you''re
my baby, and I can''t wait to meet you. When you come out I''ll bu
y you a bagel, and then we''ll go to the zoo.Susan: I felt it!Ross
: (singin) Hey, hey, I''m your daddy. I''m the one without any brea
sts.[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, and is try
ing each one in the lock.]Joey: Nope, not that one.Monica: Can yo
u go any faster with that?Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about
a zillion keys. You do the math.Monica: Why do you guys have so m
any keys in there anyway?Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency j
ust like this.Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right, li
sten, smirky. If it wasn''t for you and your stupid balloon, I wou
ld be on a plane watching a woman do this (makes a gesture like a
stewardess pointing out exits) right now. But I''m not.Monica: I
swear you said you had the keys.Rachel: No, I didn''t. I wouldn''t
say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn''t
have the keys.Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that''s it. Enough with the keys. N
o one say keys.(Short pause.)Monica: Why would I have the keys?Ra
chel: Aside from the fact that you said you had them?Monica: But
I didn''t.Rachel: Well, you should have.Monica: Why?Rachel: Becaus
e!Monica: Why?Rachel: Because!Monica: Why? Because everything is
my responsibility? Isn''t it enough that I''m making Thanksgiving d
inner for everyone? You know, everyone wants a different kind of
potatoes, so I''m making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody
care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! (starting to
cry) Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario g
ets his tots, and it''s my first Thanksgiving, and it''s all burned
, and, and I... I...Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you
now, so, look, the door''s open. Here we go.(They walk in. Smoke f
ills the apartment.)Monica: Well, the turkey''s burnt. (checking p
ots) Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruine
d.(Ross enters, singing.)Ross: Here we come, walkin'' down the—thi
s doesn''t smell like Mom''s.Monica: No, it doesn''t, does it? But y
ou wanted lumps, Ross? (picks up the pan of badly burnt potatoes)
Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one.Rachel: Oh, god, this is gr
eat! The plane is gone, so it looks like I''m stuck here with you
guys.Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody''s first
choice.Monica: Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make th
is delicious Thanksgiving dinner?Joey: You call that delicious? (
all shouting)Monica: Stop it, stop it, stop it!Chandler: Now this
feels like Thanksgiving.[Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each
other. Phoebe is at the window.]Phoebe: Ooh. Rachel: What?Phoebe
: Ugly Naked Guy''s taking his turkey out of the oven. Oh my god.
He''s not alone. Ugly Naked Guy''s having Thanksgiving dinner with
Ugly Naked Gal.(They all run to the window.)Joey: I''ve gotta see
this. All right Ugly Naked Guy!Monica: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing!Ph
oebe: It''s nice that he has someone.[Time lapse. The gang is arou
nd the table, eating grilled cheese sandwiches.]Chandler: Shall I
carve?Rachel: By all means.Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese,
and who wants dark cheese?Ross: I don''t even wanna know about th
e dark cheese.Monica: (holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split
this with me?Joey: Oh, I will.Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make
a wish.Monica: Make a wish?Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgivi
ng. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What''d you wish for?Joey: The b
igger half.Chandler: I''d like to propose a toast. Little toast he
re, ding ding. I know this isn''t the kind of Thanksgiving that al
l of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you
know, I think because it didn''t involve divorce or projectile vo
miting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you''d gone to Vai
l, and if you guys''d been with your family, if you didn''t have sy
philis and stuff, we wouldn''t be all together, you know? So I gue
ss what I''m trying to say is that I''m very thankful that all of y
our Thanksgivings sucked.All: That''s so sweet.Ross: And hey, here
''s to a lousy Christmas.Rachel: And a crappy New Year.Chandler: H
ere, here!Closing Credits[Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster
and he peels off the caption on his poster, revealing more poste
rs underneath. The captions read, as follows: Bladder Control Pro
blemStop Wife BeatingHemorrhoids?Winner of 3 Tony Awards... He''s
finally happy with that and walks away.]End109 气球飞了特里,我,我知道我在这里干时
间并不长，但我在想您是否能考虑预支给我100块薪水.预支？这样我才能和家里人共度感恩节。你看，每年，我们全家都去韦尔滑雪，通常都是
我父亲为我出票钱但是我现在已经开始学习独立，恩，这实际上也是我在这里干的原因。瑞秋，瑞秋，亲爱的。你是一位非常，非常糟糕的女招待。
真的，真的糟糕透顶。好吧，我,我明白你的意思了.我同意您说的但是我，我一直很努力地在做，我想我会做得更好的。我会的!有人需要咖啡吗
？(是的, 这边/有!...)噢，你瞧!打扰一下，先生。恩，您是这里的老主顾了。不知道您是否能考虑预支一点小费给我?恩？好，好，算
我没说。我为以前用咖啡泼到您表示歉意。还差98块5。嗨/嗨罗斯,你知道老爸老妈要去波多黎各过感恩节吗？不，他们不会。他们要去。 布
莱曼家邀请了他们。你瞎说。我没瞎说/你瞎说。我刚和他们通过电话。我去打给妈妈。嘿，嘿。/嘿。这里是“紧急求助部”。 你化了妆吗？是
的。 从今天起，我的正式身份就是乔伊.崔比安尼，演员兼模特。真有趣，因为我正想说：你看起来更象乔伊.崔比安尼，男人兼女人你给什么当
模特？你知道那些城市免费门诊的招贴画吗？oh，哇，那你不就成了那些健康一族中的一员了吗？那个哮喘病人还真可爱。你知道你为什么代言吗
？不知道，但是我听说脑膜炎还少人，所以 ...祝你好运，老兄。 我希望你能染上.谢谢好吧，你是对的。 他们怎能抛下我们不管？这可是
感恩节。好，我提议。我在我那儿做顿大餐，怎么样？我会做得和妈妈的味一样的。你会弄成块的土豆泥给我吃吗？这个，他们真不该把土豆 ..
.我做土豆块。乔伊，你要回家，是吗？/没错。钱德,你还在抵制所有清教徒的节日吗?当然，他们中的任何一个。菲比，你要和你奶奶一起过？
是的，还有她的男朋友。但我们只在12月庆祝，因为他脑子有点乱。那么，你星期四有空了。是的。噢，我能来吗？/当然瑞秋，你定下来要去韦
尔吗？没错。“咻，咻，咻!”还差102元就可成行。我记得刚才不还是98块5。没错，但我又摔了一个杯子。我到卡萝那里去。哦，哦！ 我
们干嘛不叫上她？“哦，哦”.因为她是我的前妻，而且她可能还想带上她的，“哦，哦”，女同志！Hi，卡萝在吗？她开教工会去了。噢，我过
来想把我的头骨拿走。嗯，不是我的，是……进来！谢谢。 是这样，卡萝上回借走上课用的，我现在得拿回去还给博物馆。它是什么样子？就象一
张没有皮的大脸。我有印象。 我们来找找看。哇，你们有这么多讲怎样成为一名女同志的书。嗯，你知道吗，你必须接受一门课程。否则，他们不
让你当同性恋。嘿，嘿，《Yertle the Turtle》。 经典作品。没错，我现在在念给宝宝听。噢，那个还没出生的宝宝？你这不
是 ...疯了？什么，你觉得宝宝在里面听不到声音？当然，经常说。 我要让宝宝认得我的声音。那，你提到过我吗？有的，常事。真的？但是
，嗯，我们称你为提供精液的BoBo。不行，如果她和宝宝说话，那我也应该有一些“肚子谈话时间”。但这不表示我相信这个。噢，我相信。
我觉得宝宝什么都能听见。我可以演示给你看。可能会有点怪异，你得把你的头放在这只火鸡里面，然后大伙儿说话，你肯定能听到我们说的。我想
说我完全赞成这个实验。而且，我还非常想把你的脑袋涂上黄油。嘿，瑞秋，钱拿到没有？没有，都关门了。忘掉韦尔吧，忘掉家庭团聚吧，忘掉“
咻，咻，咻。”吧瑞秋，你的信。谢谢，放在桌上就行了。不，这是你的信！谢谢，你把它放在桌子上就行了。你不想现在就打开它吗？喔，天哪！
你们真好！大伙凑的。大伙？你欠我20块。谢谢！太感谢了！钱德，这是你的感恩节大餐你的西红柿汤你的奶酪杂拌和你的特大号洋葱小吃。等等
，钱德，这是你的感恩节晚餐吗？你和这个节到底有什么过不去的？好吧，我9岁那年…/噢，我厌恶这个故事。我们全家刚刚吃完一顿丰盛的感恩
节大餐。我 ---现在我还清楚地记得这个细节---塞了满嘴的南瓜派，我的父母就选择那会来告诉我：他们要离婚了。噢，天！是的。 一旦
你有过这样的负面印象，就很难对感恩节大餐有兴趣了。hi,我们一起工作过。/有吗？是的,在美西百货. 你是那个“迷幻”女郎,对吧？我
是那卖“阿拉米香水”的。 阿拉米？阿拉米？哦，想起来了。我得说， 你是那里面最棒的。/少来了！我是说真的。你太让人吃惊了。你的表演
是那样张弛有度。真的吗？ 我受宠若惊了。噢，你今晚闻起来妙极了。你身上是什么？什么也没有！你想不想去喝上一杯？好的，哦怎么了？/我
刚想起，我还有要紧的事要做。噢，什么事情？离开等等，嘿，等等！“马里奥没有告诉你的事…他有性病，你永远无从知道谁会染上它”（广告词
）。我想你们都看见了。看见什么？不，我们只是在笑。 你知道，笑也是会传染的。我得另找个地方过感恩节了。我全家都认为我有花柳病。今夜
，此花怒放。嗯，看起来不错。 好，苹果酒搞定，火鸡搞定，山芋搞定。怎么了？我不知道。 妈妈不在厨房感觉就是不一样。够了！ 你知道个
屁？靠边站，还有你，别擦了。有点象了。噢，别“咻”了，好吗？Ok，我去收拾行李。钱德,你今晚会来吗？不，我喜欢和欢乐保持安全距离！
注意，南瓜派来了！好吧，你在塞填料的时候我们都有笑，但是这会不好笑了。喂,莫尼卡,我有一个问题. 我没看见有塔特酒。这不叫问题！但
是我的妈妈总是做的.好象是个传统。弄点火鸡肉在叉子上，配上点蓝莓酱还有塔特酒！因为我的“病”，我不能与家人团聚了，真糟糕透了。好吧
，好吧。 今晚的土豆泥会有成块的和有酒味的。好了，我要去和还没出生的宝宝说话了嘿！/好吧，妈妈从不打我。Ok，搞定了。干吗，菲比，
你在搅烂土豆吗？ 罗斯要吃块状的！噢,很抱歉，噢，我以为搅烂了以后,可以加一些豌豆和洋葱。为什么我们要那样做？嗯，因为我妈都是那样
做的，你知道，在她去世之前。好吧，第3种吃法出现。好了,大伙,再见. 感谢你们.哦,抱歉! 噢,抱歉！最不可思议事情发生了!“点头
狗”刚刚飞了！那个气球吗？不，是真的卡通人物。当然是那个气球！电视全是它的新闻。走到美西百货的时候他断线了，后来在华盛顿广场公园上
又被发现了。我要上屋顶去看，谁要去？我不去了，我得赶飞机。来吧。 80英尺长的充气狗在城市上空游荡。这样的机会有多少？恐怕不会再有
了。拿上钥匙 ...开始吧好的，好的，开始。这里吗，我得对着哪里说？我的意思是：好象只有那样才能让他听见,但是 ...对着鼓出来的
地方就可以。好的，开始了。你知道，我，你知道，我做不出来。噢，这太搞笑。 我感到自己象个傻瓜。那你就别说了。你不必因为苏珊做了你就
非得做。你好吗？宝宝！你好，你好大狗在公园上的时候挺好玩的。是的，但是他们必须把他射下来吗？真是作孽。现在火鸡应该是外焦里嫩了。还
站在这里干嘛？等你开门。你拿的钥匙。没有，我没拿。你拿了。 出来的时候，你说拿了钥匙。我没有。 我说:“拿上钥匙”？不、不、不。你
是说："拿上钥匙".你们俩都没带？烤炉还开着。噢，我得拿我的票!等等，等等，我们有一把你家的备用钥匙。快去拿，快去!你这种语气无法
加快我的速度。乔伊/这还凑合。每个人都对我说：你得选个专业，你得选个专业于是我鼓起勇气挑了古生物学可能你不懂我正说什么我们得面对现
实,你还是一个胎儿.你应该高兴因为你不会再有鳃。你不用老是说话，你也可以对它唱歌.噢。拜托，我才不想对着你的胃唱歌！进展如何？嘘！
正忙着呢，“沿着那些街道走着，每人人的表情都很可笑。嘿，嘿！”喂，噢，你觉着到了吗？/是的，我有。他总这样吗，噢 --?/不，没
有，这是第一次接着唱！接着唱！“嘿，嘿，你是我的宝宝，我已经等不及想见你。等你出来后，我会为你买百吉饼然后带你去动物园。”“嘿，嘿
，我是你的爸爸。没有乳房的那个……”不，不是那个。/你能快一点吗？锁眼只有一个,而钥匙有上千把. 你来试试你怎么会有那么多钥匙？以
备不时之需，就象现在这样。你听着，假笑的家伙。要不是你和你那该死的气球，现在我就在飞机上对着空中小姐指手画脚了。你说你带了钥匙，我
发誓不，没有。 我如果拿了钥匙，我会说“拿了”，显然我没拿那该死的钥匙哦，好吧，够了，别再提钥匙了。为什么我应该拿钥匙？因为你说你
拿了！但是我没拿。/嗯，你应该拿。为什么？/因为！为什么？ 因为一切事情都该是我的责任吗？难道我给大家准备感恩节晚餐还不够吗？每个
人要的土豆泥都不一样，我得做各种样式的土豆泥。有谁关心过我要哪种土豆泥吗？没有，没有……菲比要有洋葱和豌豆的土豆泥“马里奥”要有塔
特酒口味的，这是我第一次搞感恩节大餐现在全焦了，……我……好了，莫尼卡，只有狗现在能听见你说的，好了门已经开。 进去吧。嗯,火鸡烧
焦了.土豆完了,土豆完了,土豆完了。“我们沿着……”？妈妈的厨房可不是这个味。不象是吧？ 你不是要土豆块吗，罗斯？好,拿去,伙计。
噢，天哪， 飞机已经飞走了，看来我只能留下来和你们呆在一起了我们本来都有个不错的计划的，这不是大伙的最佳选择.噢，真的吗？ 那我何
苦为什么做这顿丰盛的感恩节大餐？你管这叫丰盛吗？......%#&^%&^.......闭嘴，闭嘴，闭嘴!终于有了点感恩节的气
氛了。噢！/什么？丑陋裸男正从烤炉中取出他的火鸡。噢，我的天。丑陋裸男不是一个人。他正和一个丑陋裸女共进感恩节晚餐。我得看看。丑陋
裸男真爽!裸舞开场了!有人陪真好。可以切了吗？当然可以.来，谁想要浅色起司，谁想要深色起司？我一点也不想知道深色起司是怎么来的有人
想要和我分这块吗？噢，我要。你们必须先许个愿望。许愿？来吧，这是感.恩.节！噢！你得到大半了。 你许的什么愿？得到大半。我敬各位一
杯。来一杯，叮叮。我知道这不是你们本来计划的感恩节,但是对我来说这样也挺棒的我想，这是因为它没和离婚或者呕吐沾边。不论如何，我在想
，如果你去了韦尔，如果你们和父母在一起，如果你没有......“梅毒”那些玩意我们就不能一起过, 所以我想说的就是:谢天谢地你们的
感恩节计划都砸了真是感人！来，祝你们有个糟糕的圣诞节。/还有一个失败的新年。干！干！小便失禁！停止家庭暴力 ！有痔疮吗？三次“东尼
奖”获得者110 The One With the Monkey[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Ross
is entering.]Ross: Guys? There''s a somebody I''d like you to meet
. (A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)All: Oooh!Monica: W-wait. W
hat is that?Ross: ''That'' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?Monica
: No, no, I don''t.Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get h
im?Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.Phoebe: That
is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?Chan
dler: Hey, that monkey''s got a Ross on its ass!Monica: Ross, is h
e gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?Ross: Yeah. I mean
, it''s been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...Monica: Why don''t
you just get a roommate?Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a
certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- (Realises) ....so
rry, that''s, that''s ''pathet'', which is Sanskrit for ''really cool
way to live''.Opening Credits[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getti
ng ready to sing. Joey is not there.]Phoebe: So you guys, I''m doi
ng all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mot
her''s suicide, and one about a snowman.Chandler: Might wanna open
with the snowman.(Enter Joey)All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.Monica:
So, how''d it go?Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn''t get the job.Ross: How cou
ld you not get it? You were Santa last year.Joey: I dunno. Some f
at guy''s sleeping with the store manager. He''s not even jolly, it
''s all political.Monica: So what are you gonna be?Joey: Ah, I''m g
onna be one of his helpers. It''s just such a slap in the face, y''
know?Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you''re doing for New Year
''s? (They all protest and hit her with cushions) Gee, what?! What
is wrong with New Year''s?Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Pao
lo. You don''t have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday
: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can h
ave someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I''m talking loud!R
achel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this
New Year, so I''ll be just as pathetic as the rest of you. Phoebe
: Yeah, you wish!Chandler: It''s just that I''m sick of being a vic
tim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we mak
e a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.All: Yeah, okay. Alright.Cha
ndler: Y''know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm. All: Wo
ooo! Yeah!Rachel: Phoebe, you''re on.Phoebe: Oh, oh, good.Rachel:
(Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular
demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi
. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time
of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:) I made a man wi
th eyes of coalAnd a smile so bewitchin'',How was I supposed to kn
owThat my mom was dead in the kitchen?(shakes bell) La lalala la
la la la lalala la la...(Cut to later. Everyone is totally depres
sed by now.)Phoebe: (Sung) ...My mother''s ashesEven her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar,And sometimes when it''s breezy
...(Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max
and David, having a noisy discussion)Phoebe: (Sung) ...I feel a l
ittle sneezyAnd now I- (abruptly stops) Excuse me, excuse me! Yea
h, noisy boys! (They stop talking and look up) Is it something th
at you would like to share with the entire group?Max: No. No, tha
t''s- that''s okay.Phoebe: Well, c''mon, if it''s important enough to
discuss while I''m playing, then I assume it''s important enough f
or everyone else to hear!Chandler: (Quietly, to the others) That
guy''s going home with a note!David: Noth- I was- I was just sayin
g to my-Phoebe: Could you speak up please?David: (Stands up and s
peaks more loudly) Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend th
at I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I''d ever seen
in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thoughtMa
x: Daryl Hannah.David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman
that he''d ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in S
plash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she h
ad kind of a Max: Hard quality.David: -hard quality. And uh, whil
e Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are lumino
us with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that''s wh
en you started yelling. (Sits down)Phoebe: Okay, we''re gonna take
a short break. (Goes over to their table)Joey: Hey, that guy''s g
oing home with more than a note![Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, ever
yone except Joey is decorating for Christmas.]Ross: Come here, Ma
rcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders off)Rachel: Pheebs, I can''t belie
ve he hasn''t kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Pa
olo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I j
ust share too much?Ross: Just a smidge.Phoebe: David''s like, y''kn
ow, Scientist Guy. He''s very methodical.Monica: I think it''s roma
ntic.Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentle
man?Rachel: Yeah!Phoebe: Well, he''s kinda like the guy I went to
see that with. Except, except he-he''s smarter, and gentler, and s
weeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and
night, and night and day... and special occasions... Chandler: Wa
it a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you''re gon
na ask him to New Year''s, aren''t you. You''re gonna break the pact
. She''s gonna break the pact.Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah
, could I just?Chandler: Yeah, ''cause I already asked Janice.Moni
ca: What?!Ross: C''mon, this was a pact! This was your pact! Chand
ler: I snapped, okay? I couldn''t handle the pressure and I snappe
d.Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup
in history!Chandler: I''m not saying it was a good idea, I''m sayin
g I snapped![Joey enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle a
s he walks. He is wearing a long coat.]Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I''m la
te.(He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume)Chandler: Too ma
ny jokes... must mock Joey! Joey: Nice shoes, huh? (He wiggles hi
s foot and the bells tinkle)Chandler: Aah, y''killing me!(Marcel k
nocks over some kitchen tools)Monica: Ross! He''s playing with my
spatulas again!Ross: Okay, look, he''s not gonna hurt them, right?
Monica: Do you always have to bring him here?Ross: I didn''t wanna
leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this mornin
g. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things
that I didn''t mean, and he- he threw some faeces...Chandler: Y''kn
ow, if you''re gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.Ros
s: Oh, that''d be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems l
ike you''re there to see him, okay, and you''re not like doing it a
s a favour to me.Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I''m not going to
lie.[Scene: Max and David''s lab, David is explaining something t
o Phoebe with the aid of a whiteboard.]David: ...But, you can''t a
ctually test this theory, because today''s particle accelerators a
re nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions.Phoe
be: Okay, alright, I have a question, then. David: Yuh.Phoebe: Um
, were you planning on kissing me ever?David: Uh, that''s definite
ly a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be (Writes YE
S on the board) yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this
phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because,
well, ''cause it''s you.Phoebe: Sure.David: Right. But, see, the l
onger I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now w
e''ve reached a place where it''s just gotta be one of those things
where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw yo
u down on it. And, uh, I''m not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella
.Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I
mean, you''re a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist''s body.Davi
d: Rrrreally.Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I''m sure of it. You should jus
t do it, just sweep and throw me. David: ...Now? Now?Phoebe: Oh y
eah, right now.David: Okay, okay, okay. (Gets ready to sweep, and
then picks up a laptop computer) Y''know what, this was just real
ly expensive. (Puts it down elsewhere. Then picks up a microscope
) And I''ll take- this was a gift. (Moves it)Phoebe: Okay, now you
''re just kinda tidying. David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell
. (Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe) You
want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?Phoebe:
I can hop. (She hops onto the table)(They kiss, finally)[Scene: C
entral Perk, everyone is there.]Ross: So tell me something. What
does the phrase ''no date pact'' mean to you?Monica: I''m sorry, oka
y. It''s just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody-
I thought I''d ask Fun Bobby.Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfrie
nd Fun Bobby?Monica: Yeah.Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby?
Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob.Rachel: (Brings Joey a mug o
f coffee) Okay, here we go...Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there''s no ro
om for milk!Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) Th
ere. Now there is.Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of
you now have dates.Joey: Uh, four.Ross: Four.Rachel: Five.Ross:
Five. (Buries his head in his hands)Rachel: Sorry. Paolo''s catchi
ng an earlier flight.Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single
mom at the store. What''s an elf to do?Ross: Okay, so I''m gonna b
e the only one standing there alone when the ball drops?Rachel: O
h, c''mon. We''ll have, we''ll have a big party, and no-one''ll know
who''s with who.Ross: Hey, y''know, this is so not what I needed ri
ght now.Monica: What''s the matter?Ross: Oh, it''s-it''s Marcel. He
keeps shutting me out, y''know? He''s walking around all the time d
ragging his hands... Chandler: That''s so weird, I had such a blas
t with him the other night.Ross: Really.Chandler: Yeah, we played
, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.Ross: What, uh..
. what juggling thing?Chandler: With the balled-up socks? I figur
ed you taught him that.Ross: No.Chandler: Y''know, it wasn''t that
big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon...(Max runs in
)Max: Phoebe. Hi. Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody?
Max: No. Have you seen David?Phoebe: No, no, he hasn''t been aroun
d.Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are go
ing to Minsk.Phoebe: Minsk?Max: Minsk. It''s in Russia.Phoebe: I k
now where Minsk is.Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expens
es paid.Phoebe: So when, when do you leave?Max: January first.Com
mercial Break[Scene: Max and David''s lab, they are working. Phoeb
e knocks on the door]Phoebe: Hello?David: Hey!Phoebe: Hi.David: H
i! (Kisses her) What-what''re you doing here?Phoebe: Um, well, Max
told me about Minsk, so (Puts on a fake cheery voice) congratula
tions! This is so exciting!Max: It''d be even more exciting if we
were going.Phoebe: Oh, you''re not going? (Fake disappointed voice
) Oh, why?Max: Tell her, David. ''I don''t wanna go to Minsk and wo
rk with Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wan
na stay here and make out with my girlfriend!!'' (Storms out)David
: Thank you, Max. Thank you.Phoebe: So-so you''re really not going
?David: I don''t know. I don''t know what I''m gonna do. I just- you
decide.Phoebe: Oh don''t do that.David: Please.Phoebe: Oh no no.D
avid: No, but I''m asking-Phoebe: Oh, but I can''t do that-David: N
o, but I can''t-Phoebe: It''s your thing, and-David: -make the deci
sion-Phoebe: Okay, um, stay.David: Stay.Phoebe: Stay.(He thinks f
or a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table)Phoebe: Getting so
good at that! (She hops on)David: It was Max''s stuff. (They kiss
)[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, the party has started.]Janice: I lo
ve this artichoke thing! Oh, don''t tell me what''s in it, the diet
starts tomorrow! (Laughs her Janice laugh)Chandler: You remember
Janice.Monica: Vividly.(Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets
it)Monica: Hi.Sandy: Hi, I''m Sandy.Joey: Sandy! Hi! C''mon in! (Sh
e enters, followed by a young boy and a younger girl)...You broug
ht your kids.Sandy: Yeah. That''s okay, right?(Joey and Monica loo
k at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulde
r)Ross: Par-tay! Monica: That thing is not coming in here.Ross: ''
That thing''? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask
you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wo
uldn''t be welcome in your home?Monica: I''m guessing your new girl
friend wouldn''t urinate on my coffee table.Ross: Okay. He was mor
e embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have t
he courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...Monica: A
lright. Just keep him away from me.Ross: Thank you. (She walks of
f) C''mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a little mingling? (Ma
rcel runs off) Alright, I''ll, uh... catch up with you later.(The
door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn,
her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns
to look)Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-w
here''s Paolo?Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight.Phoebe: And the
n... your face is bloated?Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport,
getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a p
ocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her c
ab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts
pulling me out by my hair! So I''m blowing my attack whistle thing
y and three more cabs show up, and as I''m going to get into a cab
she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on
my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? (To Monica)
Are people eating my dip?[Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up
somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]Sandy: Y''know, when I saw you at
the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever menta
lly undressed an elf.Joey: Wow, that''s, uh, dirty.Sandy: Yeah.(Th
ey almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at the
m)Joey: Hey, kids...Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To C
handler) Look at him. I''m not saying he has to spend the whole ev
ening with me, but at least check in.Janice: (Startles them) Ther
e you are! Haaah, you got away from me!Chandler: (Imitating) But
you found me!Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. (Hands him a c
amera and he starts snapping) Smile! You''re on Janice Camera!Chan
dler: Kill me. Kill me now. (Someone else knocks on the door. Mon
ica looks through the spyhole)Monica: Hey everybody! It''s Fun Bob
by!(Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously ve
ry depressed)Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I''m late. But my, uh, grandfat
her, he- died about two hours ago. But I-I-I couldn''t get a fligh
t out ''til tomorrow, so here I am!Joey: (Approaching) Hey Fun Bob
by! Whoah! Who died?(Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby''s ba
ck) [Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather. Everyone
else is virtually in tears]Fun Bobby: It''s gonna be an open cask
et, y''know, so at least I''ll- I get to see him again.Janice: (Ros
s is still taking their photo) Oh, I''m gonna blow this one up, an
d I''m gonna write ''Reunited'' in glitter.Chandler: Alright, Janice
, that''s it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you
to this party I didn''t necessarily think that it meant that we-Ja
nice: Oh, no. Oh, no.Chandler: I''m sorry you misunderstood...Jani
ce: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One
of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me. (She ru
ns off)(Ross is still taking photos)Chandler: Oh, will you give m
e the thing. (Snatches the camera)(David is feeding Phoebe popcor
n. Max walks up)Phoebe: Hi, Max!Max: Yoko. (To David) I''ve decide
d to go to Minsk without you.David: Wow.Max: It won''t be the same
- but it''ll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.(Walks off)Phoebe: Are
you alright?David: Yeah, I''m fine, I''m fine. (Phoebe leads David
into a bedroom)Phoebe: You''re going to Minsk.David: No, I''m... n
ot going to Minsk.Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belo
ng in Minsk. You can''t stay here just ''cause of me.David: Yes I c
an. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I c
an''t break up with you.Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say
, um, ''Phoebe, my work is my life and that''s what I have to do ri
ght now''. And I say ''your work?! Your work?! How can you say that
?!''. And then you say, um, ''it''s tearing me apart, but I have no
choice. Can''t you understand that?''. And I say (Hits him) ''no! No
! I can''t understand that!''.David: Uh, ow.Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um,
and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your
arms around me. (He does so) And, um, and then you tell me that
you love me and you''ll never forget me.David: I''ll never forget y
ou.Phoebe: And then you say that it''s almost midnight and you hav
e to go because you don''t wanna start the new year with me if you
can''t finish it. (They kiss) I''m gonna miss you. You scientist g
uy.Dick Clark: (on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Squa
re. We''re in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square
...(Joey puts a blanket over Sandy''s kids)Joey: There y''go, kids.
Chandler: (To a woman who he has clearly just met) And then the p
eacock bit me. (Laughs) Please kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)J
oey: You seen Sandy?Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don''t know how to tell y
ou this, but she''s in Monica''s bedroom, getting it on with Max, t
hat scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you
.Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.All: (in the kitchen) What?R
achel: The bll is drrbing!Dick Clark: (on TV) In twenty seconds i
t''ll be midnight...Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.Joe
y: Looks like that no date pact thing worked out.Phoebe: Everybod
y looks so happy. I hate that.Monica: Not everybody''s happy. Hey
Bobby!(Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnight comes and
everyone at the party except for the gang cheers and kisses)Chan
dler: Y''know, I uh.. just thought I''d throw this out here. I''m no
math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys
right here. (Makes kiss noise)Phoebe: I dunno. I don''t feel like
kissing anyone tonight.Rachel: I can''t kiss anyone.Monica: So I''
m kissing everyone?Joey: Nonono, you can''t kiss Ross, that''s your
brother.Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody''s getting kisse
d but me.Chandler: Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, i
t''s midnight! Somebody kiss me!Joey: Alrightalrightalright. (Kiss
es him. Ross takes a photo) There.Closing Credits[Scene: Monica a
nd Rachel''s, time lapse.]Ross: (Watching Marcel and talking to Ra
chel) I wanted this to work so much. I mean I''m still in there, c
hanging his diapers, pickin'' his fleas... but he''s just phoning i
t in. Just so hard to accept the fact that something you love so
much doesn''t love you back.Rachel: ...I think that bitch cracked
my tooth.End110 猴子 各位我想介绍一个人给大家认识等等…这是怎么回事？他叫Marcel，想和他打声招呼？不，我不要
他好珍贵，哪里得到他的？我朋友贝瑟把它从实验室救出来的真残忍为何有父母会将孩子取名为贝瑟？那猴子的屁股上长了个罗斯罗斯，它要和你同
住吗？对，Carol离开后家里冷清清的为何不找个室友？不知道人到一定的年纪后与室友同住是有点可悲…抱歉，是pathet在梵语中代表
很酷的生活方式各位，我今天将唱全新的曲目我写了12首关于我妈自杀的歌及一首有关雪人的歌你最好先唱雪人乔伊老兄如何？我没得到那份工作
你怎可能会没得到？你是去年的圣诞老人不知道哪个胖子和店经理有一腿他根本无法逗人开心，简直就是利益输送那么你扮演什么？当他的助手，真
是耻辱你们打算如何过新年？什么？新年有什么不对劲吗？你当然没事，你有保罗无须面对新年带来的压力无须急着寻找有嘴唇的生物在球落下那一
刻有个亲嘴的对象我讲得太愤慨了告诉你吧，保罗新年时会在罗马所以我将和各位一样可悲想得美新年时，我不想再听到迪克拉克的疲劳轰炸今年我
们在一起，不出去约会只有我们6个共进晚餐好吧我希望大家能更开心点哦太好啦菲比,该上台了好各位应观众要求，Phoebe Buffay
小姐谢谢，首先的这首歌在这种时节令我感慨万分我做了一个人，眼睛是煤炭做的他有谜样的微笑我如何能承受母亲死在厨房的事实 La lal
ala la la母亲的骨灰，甚至是她的睫毛都安放在一个黄色的小骨灰坛天寒地冻时我感觉有点想打啧涕如今我…抱歉，吵闹的两位有什么想
和大家分享的吗？没...没事快说，如果有事如此重要你们非在我唱歌时谈论那就重要的足以与我们分享那家伙铁定会被训一顿回家我是告诉我朋
友…大声点行吗？抱歉，我告诉我朋友你是我见过最漂亮的女孩他说黛瑞汉娜…黛瑞汉娜是他见过最美的女人我说我喜欢”美人鱼”中的她但"华尔
街"就没那么喜欢了她没那种...气质黛瑞汉娜是传统的美而你散发出高雅的气质然后你就叫我们了休息片刻那家伙将抱得美人归过来，Marc
el，坐这儿拜托，没想到他还没亲你我第6次和保罗约会时他就为我的双峰取了名字我分享太多了吗？一点点大卫是个科学家做事一丝不苟我觉得
很好我也是你们看过军官与绅士吗？看过他就是我心目中的白马王子除了他更聪明，温柔体贴我只想整天和他厮守在一起不管是白天或夜晚还是夜晚
或白天还有特别的日子等等，我知道了你邀他共度新年，对不？你想抛弃我们她想抛弃我们不不不...我可以吗...？好吧，因为我已约了Ja
nice拜托，我们是六人行你的六人我毁约了，行吗？我耐不住寂寞，我毁约了可是Janice…你们的分手不是糟透了？我没说这是个好主意
我毁约了不好意思我来晚了太滑稽了，乔伊你太逗了鞋子正点吧我快笑死了罗斯，它又玩我的铲子它又不会玩坏的你非得每次都带它来不可吗？我不
想让它独守空房我们早上才吵了一架一定是我加班惹的祸我说了不该说的话它就朝我扔一坨屎如果你必须加班我可以替你照顾它这太好了，不过如果
你去照顾它要装成一付去找它的样子不能让它知道你是在帮我忙好，但它如果问起我可就要实话实说了但我们仍无法测试这个理论因为今日粒子加速
的速度仍无法模拟出这样的情况好，我有个问题你要亲我吗？这是个正当而合理的问题答案是…对，我曾想过但我要让这非凡的事件发生在非凡的时
刻因为是你当然但等得越久亲吻就越非凡而在此时此地我想扫去桌上的一切将你丢在上面但我不是会扫去一切那种猴急的男人大卫，我想你是你是被
困在物理学家体内的猛男真的？没错，我确定扫去一切然后将我丢上去吧现在？对,现在好...这东西很贵的这个是人家送的你在清理场地？好吧
,管他的你想让我丢上去还是自己跳上去？我自己跳好了告诉我”六人行”对你有何意义？抱歉，不过钱德有对象，菲比也有对象所以我约了搞笑巴
比搞笑巴比？你的前任男友搞笑巴比？是啊你还认识其他的搞笑巴比？我认识搞笑巴伯来了没添牛奶的地方了好了这么说六人行中三人另有节目四人
四人五人五人抱歉，保罗提早搭飞机回来而我在梅西百货遇上一个火辣辣的单身妈妈我这个小精灵怎能抗拒？这么说球落下那一刻我只好孤零零地？
别这样我们将举行盛大的派对而且无人知道…我现在不需要知道这些你怎么了？都是Marcel它一直不让我进门去它拖着双手不断绕圈子真是诡
异我前几天晚上还跟它相处愉快真的？我们一起玩，看电视杂耍那一部份真是太精彩了什么杂耍？拿袜子当球耍我以为是你教它的我没有这也不算什
么，只是拿袜子当球耍罢了还有一颗香瓜菲比马克斯,认识大家吗？不认识，你看见David吗？没有，他没在这儿看见他时告诉他快打包我们要
去明斯克明斯克？在苏联我知道明斯克在哪儿我们已申请到奖助金全额赞助我们三年你们何时走？元旦你来这儿干什么？马克斯告诉我明克斯的事了
恭禧了，真叫人兴奋能去的话会更叫人兴奋你不去了？为什么？告诉他，David我不要去明克斯和李本斯亚马古基与法朗克共事不不不，不去我
要留下来和我的女友培养感情够了，马克斯，谢谢你真的不去？我也不知道我不知道该如何是好你决定别这样求求你不... 我是在求你我不能那
么做但我下不了决定这是你的事我不能…我可以好吧，留下来留下来留下来你进步神速这是马克斯的东西我喜欢菊芋别告诉我里面是什么我明天才开
始节食记得Janice？历历在目我是SandySandy，请进你把孩子都带来了对，可以吗？我来了这东西不可以进来东西？你都这样招呼
客人吗？我问你，如果我带着新女友来你也不欢迎她进来？你的新女友不会尿在我的咖啡桌上它已经够难为情了，行吗？它已鼓足勇气回到这里就当
一切都没发生过一样好，叫它离我远点就是了谢谢。来，Marcel咱们去交际一下吧待会儿见天啊，瑞秋，你没事吧？保罗在哪儿？罗马。那混
蛋没赶上飞机然后你的脸就爆炸了？不是我在机场要进入计程车时一个带着一本书的金发女人开始对我大叫说计程车是她先拦到的然后她就开始扯我
的头发我拿出口哨猛吹结果又来了三辆计程车我要上车时她又跘我结果我撞上了路缘嘴唇被口中的哨子弄伤大家玩得还愉快吧？有人吃我的沙司吗？
我上周看见你时那或许是我第一次想像裸体的小精灵真淫荡孩子们看他，我没说他得整晚和我待在一起但至少也得来问候一声原来你在这儿我让你跑
了但又被你逮到了罗斯，帮我们照一张笑一个你在Janice的相机中了杀了我吧各位，搞笑巴比来了抱歉，我迟到了我祖父他在两小时前过世了
明天才有飞机所以我来了搞笑巴比，近来可好？谁死了？他棺材将暂时不盖上所以我至少可以再见他最后一面这一次我不想再搞砸了我要写上“破镜
重圆”Janice，够了Janice…我邀你来...但它并不代表我们…不...抱歉，让你误会了你听我说…这可能是你我最后一次共处了
那东西可以给我吗？马克斯嗨，小野洋子我决定自己去明斯克了少了你将失色不少，但它还是明斯克新年快乐你还好吧？我没事你去明克斯吧不，我
不去了你一定要去明斯克你属于明斯克你不能因为我而留下来我可以因为如果我走就代表我必须与你分手我又不能和你分手不，你可以你只要说：菲
比，我爱你。但我的工作是我的生命我现在得去我说，你的工作？你竟说出这种话？你说...我痛苦欲绝，但我没的选择难道你不了解吗？我说，
不，我不了解好痛抱歉然后你抱住我…然后你对我说你爱我你永远不会忘记我我永远不会忘记你你又说现在已接近午夜你必须走了你不想与我共度新
年因为你实在狠不下心离开我会想你的，科学家我是迪克拉克在时代广场为你做实况报导时代广场这儿的五彩纸片纷纷落下一年比一年进步睡吧孩子
们然后孔雀就咬我请在午夜吻我看见Sandy没？我不知该如何告诉你她和马克斯在摩妮卡的房里那个科学怪人酷，你看我还是告诉你了各位,大
球要掉了什么?大球要掉了再过20秒钟就是午夜兴奋的时刻即将到来“六人行”计划似乎奏效大家好像都很开心，我不喜欢不是大家都开心嘿，巴
比我这么说好了我不是数学大师但我相信这儿有3对男女今晚我不想亲任何人我无法亲任何人我就该亲大家？不，你不能亲罗斯他是你哥太好了大家
都被亲了，除我之外谁来亲我…谁来亲我…现在是午夜…好吧，来吧我真想和他好好相处替它换尿布，替它抓跳蚤但它却视为理所当然深爱某人却得
不到回报真是令人难过我想那个贱人打断了我的牙齿剧终谢谢观赏111 The One With Mrs. Bing[Scene: A
Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]Phoebe: Do
you think they have yesterday''s daily news?Monica: Why?Phoebe: Ju
st wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.Monica: Oh my Go
d. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don''t look now, but
behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and
plunge us into a pit of depression. Phoebe: Where? (Turns to face
him) Ooh, come to Momma.Monica: He''s coming. Be cool, be cool, b
e cool.(The guy walks past them)Guy: Nice hat.Monica and Phoebe:
(in unison) Thanks.(The guy walks on)Phoebe: We should do somethi
ng. Whistle.Monica: We are not going to whistle.Phoebe: Come on,
do it.Monica: No!Phoebe: Do it!Monica: No!Phoebe: Do it do it do
it!Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!(The guy turns round, star
tled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck)Phoebe
: I can''t believe you did that!Opening Credits[Scene: Hospital, t
he guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting.]Monica: Why
did I ''woo-hoo''? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-tha
t he''d turn round and say ''I love that sound, I must have you now
''?Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends dow
n and talks to him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOU
T! UP! UP! UP!Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?Phoebe: Maybe no
body''s tried this.Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Loo
k at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he''s
a lawyer.Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles
? That means he''s artistic.Monica: Okay, he''s a lawyer, who teach
es sculpting on the side. And- he can dance!Phoebe: Oh! And, he''s
the kinda guy who, when you''re talking, he''s listening, y''know,
and not saying ''Yeah, I understand'' but really wondering what you
look like naked.Monica: I wish all guys could be like him.Phoebe
: I know.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica and Phoebe are telli
ng everyone about their coma guy.]Chandler: Are there no consciou
s men in the city for you two?Monica: He doesn''t have anyone.Phoe
be: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.Joey: I can''t believe you
said woowoo. I don''t even say woowoo.Rachel: Oh, she''s coming up!
She''s coming up! (Turns on the TV)Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when
we come back we''ll be talking about her new book, ''Euphoria Unbou
nd'': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put
the kids to bed for this one.(Everyone has settled down to watch,
except Chandler)Chandler: Y''know, we don''t have to watch this. W
eekend At Bernie''s is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.Rachel: No wa
y, forget it.Joey: C''mon, she''s your mom!Chandler: Exactly. Weeke
nd At Bernie''s! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty
times! No?Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom''s b
ooks! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I me
an, this is so cool!Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn''t think it w
as cool if you''re eleven years old and all your friends are passi
ng around page 79 of ''Mistress Bitch.''Ross: C''mon, Chandler, I lo
ve your mom. I think she''s a blast.Chandler: You can say that bec
ause she''s not your mom.Ross: Oh, please...(Rachel opens the door
to Paolo)Paolo: Bona sera.Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)Ros
s: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?Monica: Last night.Ross:
Ah, so then his plane didn''t explode in a big ball of fire?... Ju
st a dream I had- but, phew.Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She''s on!Paolo:
Ah! Nora Bing!Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you
being arrested i-in London? What is that all about?Phoebe: Your
mom was arrested?Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.Mrs. Bin
g: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally afte
r I''ve been intimate with a man...Chandler: Now why would she say
that''s embarrassing?All: Shhh.Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get t
his craving for Kung Pow Chicken.Chandler: THAT''S TOO MUCH INFORM
ATION!!Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you''re doing this whole
book tour thing, how is that going?Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I
''m leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see
my son, who I love...All: Awww!Chandler: This is the way that I f
ind out. Most moms use the phone.Jay Leno: (on TV) Y''know, don''t
take this wrong, I-I just don''t see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I d
on''t mean that, I don''t mean that bad...Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no,
I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms.(The gang
turn to look at Chandler)Chandler: ...And then he burst into fla
mes.[Scene: The Hospital, it''s a montage of Monica and Phoebe''s v
isit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background.? It s
tarts with Monica reading a newspaper to him.]Monica: Let''s see.
Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wa
nts to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five.
.. and- oh, teams played sports.[Next is a shot of them dragging
an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater,
then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Moni
ca]Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen. Monica: Nah... no
t-not special enough.Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon?Monica: Waa
ay too special.[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey
, Chandler and his mom are there.]Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What
do I want... (Looks at Chandler''s menu)Chandler: Please God don''t
let it be Kung Pow Chicken.Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show!
What''d you think?Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of
your shell just a little.Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only
you could''ve picked this place.Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c''mon, shut up,
it''s fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down) Well, I think we''re r
eady for some tequila.Chandler: I know I am.Mrs. Bing: Who''s doin
g shots?Monica: Yeah.Phoebe: I''m in.Mrs. Bing: There y''go. Ross?R
oss: Uh, I''m not really a shot drinking kinda guy.(Enter Rachel a
nd Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sor
ry we''re late, we, uh, kinda just, y''know, lost track of time.Ros
s: ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)[Time lapse. Ross is no
w clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a
jeweller''s eye.]Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?(Rachel
feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)Rachel:
Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I''ve read everything you''ve ever w
ritten. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight,
all I wanted to do was become a writer.Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, hon
ey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half
a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male gen
italia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.Chandler: Myyy moth
er, ladies and gentlemen.[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]Mrs.
Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?(Ross emerges from a toile
t marked ''Chicas'')Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?Ross: Yeah,
I''m fine, I''m fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him a
nd he tries to pretend he was in the other one)Mrs. Bing: What is
with you tonight?Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.Mrs. Bin
g: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It''s the Italian Hand-Li
cker, isn''t it.Ross: No. It''s the one he''s licking.Mrs. Bing: She
''s supposed to be with you.Ross: You''re good.Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross,
listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books,
and y''know why?Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showi
ng?Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall
in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not
turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C''mon, the guy
''s a secondary character, a, y''know, complication you eventually
kill off.Ross: When?Mrs. Bing: He''s not a hero. ...You know who o
ur hero is.Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?Mr
s. Bing: No, it''s you!Ross: Please.Mrs. Bing: No, really, c''mon.
You''re smart, you''re sexy...Ross: Right.Mrs. Bing: You are gonna
be fine, believe me.(She kisses him on the cheek)Ross: Uh-oh...(.
..Then full on the mouth)(Enter Joey)Joey: Uhhhh.... I''ll just pe
e in the street.Commercial Break[Scene: Chandler and Joey''s, the
next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown—it''s
Ross.]Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?Joey: Yeah.(Ross drags Joey int
o the hall and slams the door)Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, u
m, Chandler.. you didn''t tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, ''ca
use I''m thinking- we don''t need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was
just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?Joey: Right. No
big deal.Ross: Okay. Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!
Ross: What code?Joey: You don''t kiss your friend''s mom! Sisters a
re okay, maybe a hot-lookin'' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!(
Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)
Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well,
Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball
game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.Joey: Yeah, well, y
ou don''t have your racket.Ross: No, no I don''t, because it''s bein
g restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one.Joey: Yeah, wel
l you didn''t call and leave your grip size.Chandler: Okay, you gu
ys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shu
ts the door)Ross: Okay, I''m scum, I''m scum.Joey: Ross, how could
you let this happen?Ross: I don''t know, God, I... well, it''s not
like she''s a regular mom, y''know? She''s, she''s sexy, she''s...Joey
: You don''t think my mom''s sexy?Ross: Well... not in the same way
...Joey: I''ll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome
woman in her day, alright? You think it''s easy giving birth to se
ven children?Ross: Okay, I think we''re getting into a weird area
here...(Monica and Rachel''s door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerg
e)Rachel: Hey.Ross: Hey.Rachel: What''re you guys doing out here?R
oss: Well, not playing raquetball!Joey: He forgot to leave his gr
ip size!Ross: He didn''t get the goggles!Rachel: Well,sounds like
you two have issues.(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hal
l)Rachel: Goodbye, baby.Paolo: Ciao, bela.(They kiss. Ross is wat
ching them)Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?(Joey and Ross go
into Monica and Rachel''s apartment)Joey: So are you gonna tell h
im?Ross: Why would I tell him?Joey: How about ''cause if you don''t
, his mother might.Ross: Oh...Monica: (Entering) What are you guy
s doing here?Joey: Uhhhh.... he''s not even wearing a jockstrap!Mo
nica: ...What did I ask?[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there strokin
g Coma Guy''s hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of balloons.]M
onica: Hi.Phoebe: Hi.Monica: What are you doing here?Phoebe: Noth
ing, I just thought I''d stop by.. y''know, after the uh... that I.
. y''know, so what are you doing here?Monica: I''m not really here.
Just thought I''d drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you
come here a lot? Without me?Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy''
s hair in the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you think he
''s doing any better than he was this morning?Monica: How would I
know? I-I wasn''t here.Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his
PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him wearing new pajama
s.)[Scene: Chandler and Joey''s, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey
is making a snack at the bar.]Chandler: Oh my God. Ross: You''re
my friend. I-I had to tell you.Chandler: I can''t believe it. Paol
o kissed my mom?Ross: Yeah, um, I don''t know if you noticed, but
he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he''s drun..u
h... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I can''t do thi
s, I did it, it was me, I''m sorry, I kissed your mom.Chandler: Wh
at?Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I
had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was jus
t being nice, y''know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joe
y, Joey, uh, came in-Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?Joey
: Uh... y''know, knowledge is a tricky thing.Chandler: I spent the
entire day with you, why didn''t you tell me?!Joey: Hey, hey, hey
, you''re lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what w
oulda happened.Ross: Thanks, man, big help.Chandler: (To Ross) I
can''t believe this! What the hell were you thinking?Ross: I wasn''
t- I mean, I-Chandler: Y''know, of all my friends, no-one knows th
e crap I go through with my mom more than you. Ross: I know-Chand
ler: I can''t believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)Ross: C
handler-Joey: Me neither, y''know what-Chandler: I''m still mad at
you for not telling me.Joey: What are you mad at me for?!Ross: Ch
andler-Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams t
he door)Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn''t kiss her, h
e did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code?Ross: J
oey-Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)[S
cene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler.? Rache
l is writing something and Monica walks up.]Monica: Hey.Rachel: H
ey.Monica: (Reading) ''A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green''. Rac
hel: Yeah. Thought I''d give it a shot. I''m still on the first cha
pter. Now, do you think his ''love stick can be liberated from its
denim prison''?Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I''d say so. And there''s no ''
j'' in ''engorged''.Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach.Rach
el: Hey.Phoebe: Hello.Monica: Hello. Phoebe: Going to the hospita
l tonight?Monica: No, you?Phoebe: No, you?Monica: You just asked
me.Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chor
ds) Um, Rachel can we do this now?Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little
more) I am so hot!Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here''s a pic
ture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell m
e she''s not a knockout.Ross: I cannot believe we''re having this c
onversation.Joey: C''mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, th
at''s all.Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to prese
nt Miss Phoebe Buffay.Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, ''kay. I''d like to s
tart with a song that''s about a man that I recently met, who''s, u
m, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look) ''Ka
y. (Sung:) You don''t have to be awake to be my man,As long as you
have brainwaves I''ll be there to hold your hand.Though we just m
et the other day, There''s something I have got to say...(She sees
Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I''m gonna take a
short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand)Rachel: (In
to mike) Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo!(Enter Chan
dler)Chandler: What was that?Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a.
..Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there,
Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter)Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kiss
er... (Sees Ross''s look) I''ll shut up.Ross: Chandler, can I just
say something? I-I know you''re still mad at me, I just wanna say
that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of li
ps.Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She''s alway
s been a Freudian nightmare. Ross: Okay, well, if she always beha
ves like this, why don''t you say something?Chandler: Because it''s
complicated, it''s complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!(People turn t
o look)Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We''re rehearsing a Gre
ek play.Chandler: That''s very funny. We done now?Ross: No! Okay,
you mean, you''re not gonna talk to her, you''re not gonna tell her
how you feel?Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you
played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn''t mean you know her. Alrig
ht? Trust me, you can''t talk to her.Ross: Okay, ''you'' can''t, or (
Points to Chandler) you can''t? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay,
that''s my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one k
nee) That''s, that''s my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the pl
ay. Aaah![Scene: The Coma Guy''s Room, Monica bursts in, closely f
ollowed by Phoebe. There is no sign of Coma Guy.? His bed is empt
y.]Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him?(There is the sound of a
flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom)Monica: Oh
! You''re awake!Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel?Coma Guy
: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.Monica: You look good!Co
ma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you?Monica: Oh, sorry.Phoebe: I''m
Phoebe Buffay.Monica: I''m Monica Geller. I''ve been taking care o
f you.Phoebe: Well, we both have.Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch
is from you guys?Phoebe: Well, actually it''s just from me.Monica:
I got you the foot massager.Phoebe: You know who shaved you? Tha
t was me.Monica: I read to you.Phoebe: I sang. (To Monica) Hah!Co
ma Guy: Well,... thanks.Monica: Oh, my pleasure.Phoebe: You''re we
lcome.Coma Guy: So. I guess I''ll see you around.Phoebe: What, tha
t''s it? Monica: "See you around?"Coma Guy: Well, what do you want
me to say?Monica: Oh, I don''t know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?"
Admit something to me? "I''ll call you?" Coma Guy: Alright, I''ll c
all you.Phoebe: I don''t think you mean that.Monica: This is so ty
pical. Y''know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then- we ju
st get nothing back! And then one day, y''know, it''s just, you wak
e up, and "See you around!" Let''s go, Phoebe.Phoebe: Y''know what?
We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey''s Chandler is talking with his mom.]Mrs
. Bing: Car''s waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these
copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbo
n?Chandler: No, just knowing you''re gonna be there is enough.Mrs.
Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes t
o leave)Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to tha
t effect.Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.C
handler: Really stupid.Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don''t even
know how it happened. I''m sorry, honey, I promise it will never
happen again. Are we okay now?Chandler: Yeah. No. No...[Cut to th
e hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom''s conversati
on through the door as Ross walks up.]Ross: Ah, the forbidden lov
e of a man and his door.Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, an
d not just about the kiss, about everything.Ross: You''re kidding.
Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being
a mom?"Ross: Wow!Joey: Then she came back with "The question is,
when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?"Ross: ''Kay
, wait a minute, are you sure she didn''t say "When are you gonna
grow up and realise I am your mom?"Joey: That makes more sense.Ro
ss: So, what''s going on now?Joey: I dunno, I''ve been standing her
e spelling it out for you! (Goes back to the door) I don''t hear a
nything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the spyhole)Ross: W
haddya see?Joey: Hard to tell, they''re so tiny and upside-down. W
ait, wait. They''re walking away... they''re walking away... No, no
they''re not, they''re coming right at us! Run! Run!(Joey runs off
down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel''s apartment, but it
is locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn''t li
stening. Chandler and his mom come out)Mrs. Bing: You okay, kiddo
?Chandler: Yeah, okay.Mrs. Bing: Alright. (Kisses him)Chandler: N
ice save.(She walks down the hall)Ross: (Very politely) Mrs. Bing
.Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller.(She leaves)(Ross knocks on Monica and Rac
hel''s door)Chandler: Hey.Ross: You mean that?Chandler: Yeah, why
not. (They shake hands) So I told her.Ross: Yeah? How''d it go?Cha
ndler: Awful. Awful. Couldn''ta gone worse. Ross: Well, howdya fee
l?Chandler: Pretty good! I told her.Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it
wasn''t such a bad idea, y''know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (W
ags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don''t hav
e to go down that road.Closing Credits[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s
, Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gang.]Rachel: O
kay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute
honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he''s not ''reaching for
her heaving beasts''.Monica: What''s a ''niffle''?Joey: You usually f
ind them on the ''heaving beasts''.Rachel: Alright, alright, so I''m
not a great typist...Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about h
is ''huge throbbing pens''? Tell ya, you don''t wanna be around when
he starts writing with those!Rachel: Alright, that''s it! Give it
back! That''s it!All: Nooo! End111 宾太太（钱德之母）你想他们有昨天的报纸吗?干嘛?我只是想看我
的星运准不准天啊，菲比，别看你背后有个将会令我们伤心欲绝的帅哥在哪儿?朝妈妈这来呀.他来了，酷一点…好帽子谢谢我们应该有所行动，吹
口哨我不吹快吹/不/吹，吹，吹我无法相信你会这样我为何会学狼叫?我期望会发生什么?他回头说”我喜欢那声音我现在就要你”?我只希望我
们能帮上一点忙昏迷中的帅哥起来!起来!起来!Phebe，你在干什么?或许没人试过这一招希望至少能知道他的名字瞧他这张脸即使他在昏迷
中仍一副聪明样我猜他是个律师但是，你看见他手关节上的凹凸么?那说明他是个艺术家他是个兼职教雕塑的律师而且他会跳舞他是那种静静听你讲
话的人不是说”我了解”而猜想着你裸体的样子我希望男生都像他这样我知道纽约难道没有适合你们的清醒男生?他身旁没人照顾对，我们觉得应该
负起责任我不敢相信你会吹口哨连我都不吹口哨她出现了各位，稍后我们将谈论她的新书”豪放女”永远引人人胜的诺拉泰勒宾你得叫你的孩子上床
睡觉了我们别看这个电影台有许多好电影不行，没门拜托，作者是你妈妈!柏尼斯之周末夜死人的腹股沟被打二，三十次钱德勒，我得告诉你我爱你
妈的书飞机上没她的书陪伴我会度日如年她的书简直是酷毙了如果你小时候朋友争相传阅”情妇婊子”的79页，你就不会认为酷了拜托，我爱你妈
她是第一流的你当然能这样说因为她不是你妈拜托亲爱的那个意大利人何时从罗马回来?昨晚他的飞机没在空中炸成火球?只是我做过的一个梦？但
是。。。她出现了啊，诺拉宾等会儿再谈你的书吧听说你在伦敦被逮捕?你妈被逮捕?安静，我正感到无比的骄傲说来有点难为情不经意和一个男人
亲热后她怎会说难为情?嘘只因我很想吃宫保鸡丁透露太多了!现在你正为新书做宣传情况如何?还不错，明天我将前往纽约其实我不喜欢纽约我的
儿子住那儿，我爱他.母亲只会透过电话这么说别会错意只是我看不出你已为人母我绝对没有恶意不，我是个很前卫的母亲我儿子的第一个保险套是
我买给他的然后他就欲火焚身国会正讨论新削算赤字法案市长想再度提高地铁票价今天最高气温是45度还有各球队正在比赛格伦如何?可以叫他格
伦不，还不够特别阿格曼侬如何?太特别了我饿死了，我想吃什么呢?拜托，别又是宫保鸡丁你看了那节目，感觉如何?我觉得你可以更开放一些…
为何选在这种二流餐厅?只有你才会选这种地方闭嘴，这样满不错的来，抱一个我想我们可以喝点龙舌酒了我知道我可以谁要来点儿我也要我也要给
你。罗斯？我不喝酒抱歉，我们迟到了我们有点忘了时间男人可以改变有人要我评价任何事物吗?宾太太，我得告诉你我拜读过你所有的大作我是说
真的我读”浪漫夜”后就一心想成为作家别这么说我能办到大家都能办到你只需先描述几个欧洲城市以委婉语形容男性生殖器这样就能写成一本书了
各位，我母亲226房有留言吗?你还好吧，猛男?我还好你今晚怎么了?没什么谢谢是因为那个意大利舔手男?不，是因为被他舔的人她应该和你
在一起你真行罗斯，我卖出上亿本的书知道为什么吗?因为封面上的辣妹露两点?不，因为我知道怎样去描写会被女人们爱上的男人相信我，保罗没
有卖点没人有兴趣翻325页看保罗的罗曼史他不过是个二等货不过是最后被你终结的纠葛什么时候?他不女人心中的英雄知道我们心中的英雄是什
么样的么？封面上露两点的猛男?是你啊不，我是说真的你既聪明又性感是呀你会走出阴霾的，相信我我到街上尿就好了钱德勒在吗？昨晚的事你没
告诉钱德勒吧？好极了，因为我想不需告诉他只是个吻，没什么大不了的对，没什么大不了的在疯狂世界中才叫没什么你违反规定什么规定?不能亲
朋友母亲的规定姐妹还可以火辣的姑妈，或许母亲不行，绝对不行你们在外面干什么?乔伊和我说过要早起去打回力球显然有人睡过头对，你没带球
拍?不，我的拍子拿去换线了有人应该帮我准备一支拍子是吗?你没说握把的尺寸你们俩真会浪费时间好吧，我是个人渣罗斯，你怎能让这种事发生
?我也不知道她不像是一般的妈妈她很性感你认为我妈不性感?不一样的性感我妈当年也是很美丽的你认为生7个小孩是件容易的事?我们愈谈愈离
谱了你们在这儿干什么?不是打回力球他忘了告诉我握把尺寸他没带护目镜看起来好像你们两个关系暧昧再见,宝贝.他们在等我做这件事?你到底
要不要告诉他?我不会告诉他的我为何要告诉他?如果你不说他妈或许会你们在这儿干什么?他没穿护裆我刚问什么?你在这儿干什么?没事，我只
是顺路…你来这儿干什么?我不是专程来此只是顺路拿这些过来你常自己一个人来?没有你认为他早上好点没?我怎会知道?我又没来真的?也没替
他换睡衣?我的天.你是我朋友，我得告诉你我简直不敢相信保罗亲了我妈?对，我不知道你是否注意到他喝了很多酒他酒醉的模样你也见识过我办
不到…是我抱歉，是我亲了你妈什么?瑞秋和保罗的事令我很沮丧我想我是喝太多龙舌酒诺拉，妈太太你的宾对我很体贴没发生什么事问乔伊乔伊刚
好走进来你知道这件事?知识是很奇怪的我整天都和你在一起你为何没告诉我?他们被我逮到算你幸运不然后果可不堪设想谢了，老兄，大忙一个我
简直无法相信你到底在想什么?我没有…我不知道我和我妈之间的鸟事朋友中属你最清楚了我知道我无法相信你会做这种事钱德勒知道吗?我也一样
我仍在气你没告诉我为何气我?钱德勒让我用力关门吧钱德勒，我没亲她，亲的人是他违反规定就是这种下场乔伊瑞秋嘿”丢脸的女人” 瑞秋 凯
瑞 格林对，我想尝试一下我仍在写第一章你认为他”粗棉布监牢”中的”爱棒”能获得解放吗?我想可以吧，我也这么认为另外你拼错词了瑞秋你
今晚要去医院吗?没有，你呢?没有，你呢?你刚问过了好吧，或许这是个圈套瑞秋,我们现在能开始了吗?好我好兴奋这是我爸妈在婚礼时照的你
告诉我她不是旷世美人没想到我们会谈论这个就试着想像她没挺着大肚子Central Perk很荣幸为各位介绍菲比布菲小姐谢谢这首歌是有
关个我刚认识的男生他已成为我生命中重要的男人你无须醒来当我的男人只要你一息尚存我就会在一旁守候虽然我们相遇不久我想说...谢谢各位
，我得暂停下我们感谢菲比布菲小姐.她在搞什么东西?菲比刚…我是和乔伊讲话，亲我妈妈的人亲我妈妈的人我闭嘴钱德勒，我能说几句话吗?我
知道你仍在生我的气我只想说那一夜有两个人两双嘴唇是哦，我预料到她会如此她一直都是个佛洛依德梦魇如果她都是如此你为何不找她谈谈?因为
太复杂了，这是个情结你亲了我妈我们正在排练希腊剧真幽默，排练完没?还没，你不找她谈?不说出你的感受?我依然不会找她谈别因为你亲过她
就自以为了解她相信我，不能找她谈到底是能还是不能?我的手指我的膝盖还在排练你对他怎么了?你醒了你瞧你，感觉如何?头有点晕，基本上还
行你的气色好极了我感觉好极了你们是谁?我叫菲比莫妮卡我一直在照顾你我们一直在照顾你蚀刻艺术是你们送的?其实只有我一个我替你做脚底按
摩知道是谁帮你刮胡子的吗?是我我念书给你听我唱歌给你听谢了我的荣幸再见了什么?就这样?再见?不然要我说什么?我不知道或许该说你们真
好我很感激我会打电话给你们的好吧，我会打的一点诚意都没有男生都这样我们不断付出没有任何回报有一天他醒来却只说再见走吧菲比知道吗?我
们以为你与众不同我想这只是昏迷的缘故楼下的车已发动我只想拿几本我的书给你朋友需要我在里斯本帮你买什么吗?不需要，知道你要去就够了好
吧，要乖哦，我爱你你亲了我最好的罗斯好像说错了，反正差不多好吧，我做了蠢事愚蠢至极愚蠢至极我也不知道是怎么发生的抱歉，孩子我保证不
会再发生这种事你没事了吧?是的不男人与门之间禁忌的爱他说了，他在责备她不只是亲吻的事一切都说出来了你在开玩笑吧?不是他说你何时才能
成熟开始当个妈?等等，她回答说你何时才能长大了解我是个性感女郎?等等，你确定她不是说你何时才能长大了解我是你妈?这样比较合理你也这
样认为?现在情况为何?我不知道我一直在这儿说给你听我什么都听不到，等等…你看见什么?很难说，他们好小而且上下颠倒他们走过来,他们走
过去不，他们没有他们走过来了，快逃你还好吧，孩子?还好希望都好注意安全你好,宾太太你好,罗斯先生.你当真?对，有何不可?我告诉她了
怎样？简直是可笑到了极点感觉怎样不错我告诉她了瞧，或许我亲你妈不是个馊主意…我们继续往下说了这只是第一章我要大家坦白的意见在第二页
中他的手没伸向她那灰尖挺的双峰什么是”如头”?通常在双峰上可以找到好吧…算我不会打字直到你伸人他那颤动的”笔”他用那支笔时你不会想
在场的够了，还我…112 The One With the Dozen Lasagnes[Scene: Central Perk,
everyone is there. Ross working on crossword puzzle, starts humm
ing theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in, followed by Mon
ica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross starts humming theme fr
om I Dream Of Jeannie.]Chandler: No-no-no-no, we''re done.Opening
Credits[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica is on the phone in the
kitchen.]Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I''m saying is that
if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetari
an lasagna. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Well, the meat''s
only every third layer, maybe you could scrape.(Camera moves to
Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room)Joey: Ros
s, did you really read all these baby books?Ross: Yup! You could
plunk me down in the middle of any woman''s uterus, no compass, an
d I can find my way out of there like that! (snaps fingers)Phoebe
: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people
actually eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces)Chandler: And, we''re do
ne with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table)Phoebe: (softly) S
orry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still on phone)Monica: Aunt Sy
l, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me
to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, look
s shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Unc
le Freddie with that mouth?(Camera pans back to group in living r
oom)Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby''s
only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index
finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy! Ross: (
waves) Hello!Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don''t live w
ith Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy li
ves with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amus
ed; Joey smiling) What''s a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)(Rachel
enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks annoyed)Rachel: H
oney, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it''s like Poc-o-nos (touc
hing Paolo''s nose with forefinger with each syllable)Paolo: Ah, p
oke (Paolo touches Rachel''s nose) a (touches nose again) nose, mm
m (they rub noses, then kisses her)Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sit
ting in living room, imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah(Camera pans
to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the kitchen)Monica: So, did I h
ear Poconos?Rachel: Yes, my sister''s giving us her place for the
weekend.Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!Monica: Yeah
, that''s a big step.Rachel: I know...(Camera pans to Ross, lookin
g dejected)Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it''s just a weekend, big deal!
Ross: Wasn''t this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn''t it
be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now?(Camera pan
s back to Rachel)Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing,
I mean, I am feeling things that I''ve only read about in Daniell
e Steele books, you know? I mean, when I''m with him, I''m totally,
totally...(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)Ross: ...nau
seous, I''m physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Ca
ll immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call im
migration![Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls'' a
partment, carrying lasagna.]Joey: I love babies, with their littl
e baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their little baby h
ands... Chandler: Ok, you''re going to have to stop that, forever!
(Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, table falls over)
Joey: Need a new table.Chandler: You think?[Scene: Carol and Susa
n''s, there''s a knock on the door and Carol answers it to Ross.]Ca
rol: Hey hey, come on in!(Ross enters, carrying lasagna)Ross: Hey
, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the books, and Monica
sends her love, along with this lasagna. Carol: Oh great! Is it
vegetarian, ''cause Susan doesn''t eat meat.Ross: (pauses) I''m pret
ty sure that it is...Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio to
day.Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, tell me, tell
me, is everything, uhh....? Carol: Totally and completely health
y!Ross: Oh, that''s great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses Carol.
Then picks up a picture frame)Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan m
eet Huey Lewis?Carol: Uh, that''s our friend Tanya.Ross: (surprise
d, chuckling nervously) Of course it''s your friend Tanya. (looks
up frightenedly)Carol: Don''t you want to know about the sex?Ross:
(chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I''m having enough t
rouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw i
n Tanya (miming washing hair, that''s the best I could think of),
yaw...Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.Ross: Oh, you know the sex
of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!Carol: Do you want to know?Ross: No, n
o, no, no, no, I don''t want to know, absolutely not. I think, you
know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say
, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn''t...(Susan enters)Susan: Oh,
hello Ross!Ross: Susan...Susan: So, so, did you hear?Ross: Yes, w
e did, everything''s A-OK!Susan: Oh, that''s so... (Susan hugs Caro
l, they giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we know...?Car
ol: Yes, we certainly do, it''s going to be...Ross: (flailing arms
in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello, guy who doesn''t wa
nt to know, standing right here!Susan: Oh, well, is it what we th
ought it would be?Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling.
Ross stands back, reaches out and lightly taps Susan''s shoulder)R
oss: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it was going to be? C
arol and Susan: It''s a...Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don''t wa
nt to know, don''t want to know. Ok, you know, I should probably,
I should probably just go. Carol: Well, thanks for the books.Ross
: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa (kisses Carol''s
stomach, then punches Susan''s shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.)Su
san: All right, who should we call first, your folks, or Deb and
Rona? (intercom buzzer rings)Carol: Hello?Ross: (on intercom) Uh,
never mind, I don''t want to know. (Carol and Susan laugh)[Scene:
Chandler and Joey''s,? Joey and Chandler use their knees as a tab
le to support the lasagna.]Chandler: Ok, so it''s just because it
was my table, I have to buy a new one?Joey: That''s the rule.Chand
ler: What rule? There''s no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!
Joey: How''d you get to that?Chandler: Well, I believe the piece o
f furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with A
ngela DelvecchioJoey: You knew about that?Chandler: Well, let''s j
ust say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the
imagination.Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it?Chandler: Wha
t do you mean, like, buy it together?Joey: YeahChandler: You thin
k we''re ready for something like that?Joey: Why not?Chandler: Wel
l, it''s a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants
to move out?Joey: Why, are you moving out?Chandler: I''m not movin
g out. Joey: You''d tell me if you were moving out rightChandler:
Yeah, yeah, it''s just that with my last roommate Kip...Joey: Aw,
I know all about Kip!Chandler: It''s just that we bought a hibachi
together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pr
etty ugly.Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a better
roommate than me?Chandler: Aw, don''t do that[Scene: Phoebe''s Mass
age Parlor, Phoebe''s assistant is telling her about the changes t
o her schedule.]Phoebe''s Assistant: We''ve got a couple changes in
your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to
4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.Phoebe: Ok, th
anks. (assistant leaves, then walks back in)Phoebe''s Assistant: O
h, here comes your 3:00. I don''t mean to sound unprofessional, bu
t, yum (walks out, Paolo enters)Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?Paolo: Uh, Racquel
a tell me you massage, eh?Phoebe: Well, Racquela''s right, yeah!(P
aolo speaks Italian)Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don''t know what you just
said, so let''s get started.Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked?Phoeb
e: Um, that''s really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, y
ou know, to take off...oh whoops! You''re being naked![Scene: Cent
ral Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]Rachel: (to Ross) I can''t
believe you don''t want to know. I mean, I couldn''t not know, I m
ean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows...
. Monica: And Monica knows...Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know,
I don''t even know!Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the las
agna, I asked, she told me.Joey: So what''s it gonna be? (Monica w
hispers in Joey''s ear. Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in
protest)Ross: Wait—oh—hey—huh, oh great now he knows, and I don''
t know!Monica: I''m sorry, I''m just excited about being an aunt!Jo
ey: Or an uncle... (Phoebe enters)Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!R
oss: Hi Pheebs!Rachel: Pheebs!Phoebe: Fine!Monica: Phoebe, what''s
the matter?Phoebe: Nothing, I''m sorry, I''m just, I''m out of sort
s.Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here?Rachel: Oh,
right, that''s me!Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at
7, come on.Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the d
oor)Monica: Phoebe, what is it?Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo?
Ross: I''m familiar with his work, yes...Phoebe: Well, he made a m
ove on me.(Joey and Chandler come back)Joey: Whoa, store will be
open tomorrow!Chandler: More coffee over here, please!Commercial
Break[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]Monica: Well,
what happened?Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everyth
ing was fine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage t
able, moving his hands up Phoebe''s legs.)[Cut back to Central Per
k.]Joey and Chandler:? Ooooohh!Ross: My God.Monica: Are you sure?
(The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.)[Cut back to
Central Perk.]Phoebe: Oh yeah, I''m sure. (Flashback resumes with
Phoebe doing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands weren''t
the problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Pho
ebe looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her head
)Monica: Was it...?Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under
there.Guys: Oooooo....(Rachel runs over)Rachel: "Ooo," what?Phoe
be: Uma Thurman.Monica: Oh!Ross: The actress!(all talking indisti
nctly, high-fiving)Ross: Thanks Rach.(Rachel walks away)Chandler:
So what are you gonna do?Ross: You have to tell her! You have to
tell her! It''s your moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I
think it''s a feminist issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to ch
ime in)Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.Joey: Feminist is
sue. That''s where I went!Phoebe: She is gonna hate me.Ross:(sympa
thetic yet...) Yeah, well...[Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Cha
ndler and looking for their new table.]Joey: Will you pick one, j
ust pick one! Here, how about that one? (points to a table)Chandl
er: That''s patio furniture!Joey: So what, like people are gonna c
ome in and think, "Uh-oh, I''m outside again?" Of course!Chandler:
(gesturing towards another table) What about the birds?Joey: I d
on''t know, birds just don''t say, "Hello, sit here, eat something.
"Chandler: You pick one.Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs?C
handler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects sugg
est fine dining!Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the bi
rds!Chandler: Not like that, I won''t! (pauses) Kip would have lik
ed the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look)[Scene:
Monica and Rachel''s, Rachel folding and packing clothes in suitc
ases as Phoebe enters.]Phoebe: Hey!Rachel: Hi Pheebs!Phoebe: Are
you moving out?Rachel: No, these aren''t all my suitcases. (picks
up small blue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one''s Paolo''s.Ph
oebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?Rachel: Well, sure...j
ust a sec, though, ''cause Paolo''s on his way over.Phoebe: Oh! (si
ts down) Ok, um, ok, um, Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...Phoebe: Ok,
um, (clears throat) we haven''t known each other for that long a
time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about
me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two,
I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies i
n the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)Rache
l: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite of cookie, overw
helmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?!Phoebe:
Oh, I don''t make them a lot because I don''t think it''s fair to th
e other cookiesRachel: All right, well, you''re right, these are t
he best oatmeal cookies I''ve ever had.Phoebe: Which proves that I
never lie.Rachel: I guess you don''t.Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at
me.(Rachel looks stunned)[Scene: Chandler and Joey''s, Ross, Chan
dler, Joey, and Monica admiring their new table.]Chandler: So, wh
at do you think?Ross: I think It''s the most beautiful table I''ve
ever seen.Chandler: I know!(The camera pans back to reveal Joey a
nd Chandler''s new foosball table.)Monica: So how does this work,
you going to balance the plates on these little guys'' heads?Joey:
Who cares, we''ll eat at the sink! Come on, let''s play!Monica: He
ads up Ross! (Monica scores on Chandler and Joey) Score! (points
at Chandler) You suck!(Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)[Scene
: Monica and Rachel''s, Rachel is recovering from the shock.]Phoeb
e: Are you okay?Rachel: I need some milk.Phoebe: Ok, I''ve got mil
k (takes thermos from her bag and starts to pour a cup) Here you
go... (Rachel drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes t
hermos) Better?Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think abo
ut the other day with you guys and I was all "Oh, Paolo, he''s so
great, he makes me feel so..." Oh, God, I''m so embarrassed!Phoebe
: I''m so embarrassed, I''m the one he hit on!(Phoebe''s and Rachel''
s lines overlap)Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never
would have happened!Rachel and Phoebe: I''m so sorry! No I''m sorr
y! No I''m sorry! No I''m sorry! Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we
sorry about?Rachel: I don''t know...right, he''s the pig!Phoebe: Su
ch a pig!Rachel: Oh, God, he''s such a pig, Phoebe: Oh he''s like a
...Rachel: He''s like a big disgusting... Phoebe: ...like a...Rach
el: ...pig...pig man!Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok...Rachel: (voice waver
s) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I not see this?Phoebe: (ra
ises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It''s because... he''s gor
geous, and he''s charming, and when he looks at you...Rachel: Ok,
Ok, Pheebs...Phoebe: The end.Rachel: Oh, God...Phoebe: Should I n
ot have told you?Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it''s, it''s, it''s much
better that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was bet
ter...(Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her)[Scene
: Chandler and Joey''s, Phoebe is telling everyone how it went acr
oss the hall as the foosball game continues.]Phoebe: I think she
took it pretty well. You know Paolo''s over there right now, so...
Monica: We should get over there and see if she''s okay. (switchin
g places with Ross) Just one...second! Score! (Monica scores, hig
h-fives with Ross) Game! Come on. (Monica and Phoebe leave)Ross:
(wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your
butts.Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olym
pic standing-there team.Ross: Come on, two on one.Chandler: What
are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy, it''s ti
me for you to swoop in!Ross: What, now?Joey: Yes, now is when you
swoop! You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, t
he first guy Rachel sees is you, She''s gotta know that you''re eve
rything he''s not! You''re like, like the anti-Paolo!Chandler: My C
atholic friend is right. She''s distraught. You''re there for her.
You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (R
oss and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what
they are looking at, looks in the same direction)[Scene: Monica
and Rachel''s Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo''s clothes over the
side.]Paolo: No, that''s cold, that''s cold, that''s...[Cut to insi
de the apartment.]Ross: (entering) How''s it going?Monica: Don''t s
tare. Now she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony,
now there''s just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows Rache
l gesturing with hands in front of her chest), Ok, that is either
, "How could you?" or, "Enormous breasts!" Here he comes! Phoebe:
Ooh!(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)Paolo: Uh, I
am, uh, to say good-bye.Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye.Monica: Paolo, I
really hate you for what you did to Rachel, (hands him a lasagna)
but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the chee
se bubbles.Paolo: Grazie.Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you a
nd I think I speak for everyone when I say... (shuts door in his
face and walks away)Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move t
oward Rachel on the balcony)Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think j
ust one of us should go out there so she''s not overwhelmed...Moni
ca: Oh, you''re right.Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really th
ink it should be me.[Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed th
rough the window.]Ross: Hey.Rachel: Hey.Ross: You all right?Rache
l: Ooh, I''ve been better...Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) List
en, you deserve so much better than him...you know, I mean, you,
you, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has y
ou.Rachel: Oh, Ross...Ross: What?Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I
don''t want to look at another guy, I don''t want to think about an
other guy, I don''t even want to be near another guy. (Ross crosse
s arms)Ross: Huh.Rachel: Oh Ross, you''re so great!Ross: Ohhhh (Hu
gs her and sighs)[Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross ar
e entering.]Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right?Rachel: Oh
...Phoebe: You ok?Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left?Phoe
be: Yep!Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don''t think that swearing off
guys altogether is the answer. I really don''t. I think that what
you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process.Ra
chel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I ju
st got to figure out what I wantRoss: Uh, no, no, see, because no
t...not all guys are going to be a Paolo.Rachel: No, I know, I kn
ow, and I''m sure your little boy is not going to grow up to be on
e.Ross: (astonished) What? Rachel: What?Ross: I-I''m, I''m having a
boy?Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you''re not having a boy.Ro
ss: Wha-I''m having, I''m having a boy! (babbling) Huh, am I having
a boy?Girls: Yes, you''re having a boy! (Monica runs over and hug
s Ross)Ross: I''m having a boy! Oh, I''m having a boy!(Joey and Cha
ndler run in)Chandler: Wha-Joey: Wha-Joey and Chandler: What is i
t?Ross: I''m having a boy! I-I''m having a boy!Joey: Hey!Chandler:
Hey!Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they hug)Ross: I''m
having a son. Um...(Ross looks scared)Closing Credits[Scene: Chan
dler and Joey''s, Monica is busy killing Chandle and Joey at foosb
all.]Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down!Joey and Chandler
: Shut-out!! (They both start heading for their rooms.)Monica: Wh
ere are you guys going? Come on, one more game!Joey: Uh, it''s 2:3
0 in the morning!Chandler: Yeah, get out!Monica: You guys are alw
ays hanging out in my apartment! Come on, I''ll only use my left h
and, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick her up) All r
ight, ok, I gotta go. I''m going, (they throw her out) and I''m gon
e.Chandler: (to Joey) One more game?Joey: Oh yeah!End112 十二碗面条 不-
不-不-不,够了.Syl婶婶,别喊了!如果你告诉过我你要素面条,我就会给你做素的了.好吧,肉都在第三层,也许你能把它们刮下来.罗斯
,你真的把所有婴儿书都读了?恩!你可以把我塞到子宫里的任何地方,用不着指南针,我都能从里面爬出来,就像~~!噢,太棒了...书上说
在有些地方,人们真的吃胎盘.呃..这酸奶算是吃不下去了.对不起.Syl婶婶,我是为了帮你,我可不是承包宴席的.那你让我拿这一打面怎
么办?说话真好听,Syl婶婶.你用这张嘴亲Freddie叔叔吗?嘿, 罗斯,你知道么,现在你的宝贝就这么大?这是你孩子. 嘿, 爸
爸!嘿!为什么你不和妈咪一起住?为什么妈咪和另一个女人一起住?什么是女同性恋?亲爱的,你能说的,泊科农斯,泊科农斯,就像 泊科-阿
-农斯 (Poc-o-nos)啊, 戳一下鼻子(poke a nose), 嗯...么, 么, 么呵那么,我听见泊科农斯了吗?是的
,我妹妹让我们去她那渡周末.第一次周末结伴出游!是啊,进展了一大步.我知道...啊, 就是个周末, 没什么!不是说只是玩玩,不当真
的吗,嗯?这...该玩完了吧,现在?我想,我们已远远超出玩的范围了,我现在的感觉只有在Danielle Steele的书里才找得到
.我是说,当我和他在一起的时候,我完全,完全地......恶心,我本能的恶心.我该怎么办? 打电话给移民局?我可以打电话给移民局!
我喜欢孩子, 他们的小鞋,小脚指头, 小手...好了, 你别再这样了, 永远不要!需要新桌子了.你这么想?嘿, 进来吧!嘿!我把书
都拿回来了,莫妮卡送你这些面条.太好了! 是素的吗,苏珊不吃肉.我肯定是素的...我拿到超声波结果了.哦,告诉我,告诉我,怎么样.
...?完全彻底的健康!哦, 太棒了, 太棒了!嗨,你和苏珊什么时候认识的Huey Lewis?啊,那是我们的朋友Tanya.原来
是你们的朋友Tanya.你不想知道性别（性）吗?性? 嗯,光想你和苏珊一起的样子我就够不舒服的,你要再把Tanya加进来, 呃..
.我是说孩子的性别, 罗斯.噢, 你知道了? 噢...你想知道吗?不, 不, 我不想,绝对不想.我不想现在知道,我认为应该等到那时
再低头瞧一瞧,然后说, 嘿, 带那个的...或不带的...你好, 罗斯!苏珊那么...你结果怎样?对, 我们知道了,一切正常!噢,
那真的是太好了...知道"那个"了么?是的, 当然知道了, 它是个...嘿, 嘿, 这有人不想知道,我就站在这呢!嗯, 那么,是
我们希望的...么?嗯什么, 什么...你们希望是男是女?是...不, 不, 我不想知道,不想. 好吧,我还是...先回去了.好的
, 谢谢你的书.没问题, 嗯哦, 嗯苏珊...好吧,我们该先告诉谁,你家人,还是Deb和Rona?喂?嗯,没事, 我不想知道.那
么就因为这是我的桌子,就得让我买新的?对, 这是规矩什么规矩?没有什么规矩,如果有的话,规矩就是你欠我个桌子!你从哪得的这个结论?
这个桌子一直很结实直到你开始在早餐时蹂躏Angela Delvecchio（黄油的牌子）.你知道这事?这么说吧,看到那罐黄油的惨相
,根本连想象都省了.好吧, 那我们合伙买怎么样?你什么意思, 一起买?是呀你认为我们的关系进展到这个的程度了么?为什么不?这可是个
很大的承诺,我意思是, 要是有人想搬出去呢?为什么, 你要搬吗?我不搬呐.你要是搬的话得告诉我好吗好, 好, 只是我上个室友Kip
...噢, 我知道Kip所有的事!我们一起买了个日式古桌,后来他要结婚走人,结果事情搞得很糟.好吧,我问你个问题,作为室友Kip比
我好吗?噢,别这么问你的日程有些变化.你4:00的香蕈按摩推迟到4:30还有Somerfield太太取消了5:30的日式指压.好,
谢谢哦, 你3:00的顾客来了.我不想表现的不专业,但是,很迷人哦..Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!(意大
利语)哦, Paolo, 你好, 有何贵干?嗯, Racquela告诉我你按摩, 是么?Racquela''s说得对...噢...我
不知道你刚才说什么,我们开始吧.嗯, 需要我裸体么?嗯,这就是个人喜好了, 我是说,有的人喜欢脱...噢! 你光着身子!我不能相信
你不想知道. 我意思是,我可不能不知道,如果, 如果医生知道,卡罗尔知道,还有苏珊知道的话....还有莫妮卡知道...你怎么知道的
, 我都不知道!卡罗尔因为面条打电话道谢,我问他,她就告诉我了.那么孩子是?嘿, 哈, 太好了, 现在他都知道了,我却不知道!对不
起, 我当了姑姑我太兴奋了!也可能是叔叔...嘿, 菲比嘿, 菲比很好!菲比,怎么了?没什么, 对不起, 我就是, 我不舒服.嘿,
能给我们上些咖啡么?哦, 对, 是叫我!嘿, 钱德, 那个卖桌子的地方7点就关了, 走吧.好吧.菲比, 怎么了?好吧, 你知道P
aolo?我了解他那点把戏的, 是的...他调戏我.别急, 商店明天还会开!请再来点咖啡!怎么回事?他来按摩, 本来挺好的直到..
.噢...天那...你确定?是的, 我确定.然后突然间他的手就不算什么问题了.他那儿...?童子军都能在那扎营了.哦...哦 什么
?Uma Thurman.那个女演员!谢了, 瑞秋.那么你打算怎么办?你必须告诉她! 你必须告诉她!这是道德上的义务,作为朋友,同
是女人,我认为这涉及到女权问题! 伙计们?哦, 对, 你必须告诉她.女权问题. 这是我的观点!她会恨我的.是的, 没错.你挑一个,
挑一个! 那个怎么样?那是放在院子里用的!那有什么,难道人们进屋后会想,哦,我又出去了?那鸟桌怎么样?不知道,鸟桌不会对你说,你
好, 坐这, 吃点什么.那你选吧.好吧, 那瓢虫桌怎么样?哦, 且不说鸟,一只红色的昆虫就能够给人进食的感觉了?好, 你想要鸟,
就要鸟吧!不是这样, 我不要!Kip会喜欢鸟桌的!嘿!嘿, 菲比!你要搬出去吗?不,这不全是我的行李. 这个是Paolo的.瑞秋,
我们能谈一会吗?当然可以...就一会,因为,Paolo正过来呢.哦. 好的. 嗯...嗯...哦, 菲比好的, 嗯, 我们认识还不
长,嗯, 我有三件事你应该知道.一,朋友是我生命中最重要的二,我从不说谎三, 我做的提子燕麦饼干是最好的好的, 谢谢哦, 太好吃了
,为什么我从来没吃过这些?!哦, 我不怎么做因为我想这对别的饼干来说不太公平好吧, 你是对的,这是我吃过的最好提子燕麦饼干.这也证
明了我不说谎.我想是的.Paolo调戏我了.那么, 你们看怎么样?我想这是我见过的最漂亮的桌子.我知道!那么它怎么用呢,你得把盘子
平衡在这些小人头上吗?管他呢, 我们在水槽边吃饭!来吧, 我们开玩!闪开你的小人罗斯!得分! 你们真臭!你没事吧?我需要牛奶.好的
, 我准备了牛奶给你杯子...好点了么?没有...哦, 我真太蠢了!哦, 我回想起来那天我还是哦, Paolo,他真好, 他让我觉
得真...天哪, 我真为自己难为情!我才难为情, 我是他调戏的那个!菲比, 如果我没遇见他事情就不会发生!真对不起! 不我对不起你
!不, 等等, 我们为什么要互相道歉?不知道...对, 他才是猪!真是猪!哦, 我的天, 他真是头猪, /对, 他就像一个...他
像个猪, 一个恶心的...猪...猪人!对, 骂的好噢, 但他是我的猪人...为什么我看不出来?我知道!是因为... 他太帅了,他
太迷人,当他看你的时候...别说了, 菲比不说了.噢, 天哪...我应该瞒着你吗?不,不,相信我, 让我知道是对的.呃, 我只是把
事情想的太好了...我想她的情绪还算好.Paolo现在就在那边, 所以...我们应该过去,看看她有没有事.一会...就好, 得分!
赢了! 走吧.嗯, 看起来,呃,我们打得你们屁滚尿流.不, 不, 她打得我们屁滚尿流.你可以参加奥林匹克的"站一边看"之队.得了
吧, 二对一.你还在这干什么? 她刚和那男的分手,该你趁虚而入啦!什么, 现在?是的, 现在正是时候!你得确保Paolo走出屋子后
,你是瑞秋见到的第一个男人,得让她知道你是那么好, 而他一无是处!你就像, 像反-Paolo!(罗马教皇)我这天主教朋友说的对.她
现在很烦恼.你就在那陪伴她.你帮她承担所有烦恼,然后你就走向了: 罗斯时代!不, 太残忍了, 太残忍了, 这...怎么样了?别盯那
看.现在她刚把他的衣服从阳台上扔下去,现在是他们比比画画的,嗯, 这个动作可能表示, "你怎么能?"也可能表示, "好大的胸脯!"
他过来了!嗯, 我, 我过来...说声再见.噢, 行了, 走吧.Paolo, 我非常憎恨你对瑞秋做的事,但我还有五个没处理掉,在烤
箱里烤到奶酪冒泡就行了.Grazie. (意大利语)Paolo, 我只想告诉你我要代大家说当我说...噢, 看她多伤心...伙计们
, 我认为最好我们中的一个过去, 这样她就不会被压垮...你说的对....而且那个人应该是我.嘿! / 嘿...你没事吧?噢, 我
好点了...过来.听着, 他远远配不上你...我意思是, 你,你应该找一个能明白拥有你是多么幸福的人.哦, 罗斯...什么?我讨厌
死男人了.我都不想看见男的,我也不想考虑别的男人,我甚至不想听男人说话.哈...哦, 罗斯, 你真好.嘿, 亲爱的, 你还好吧?你
没事?...一般吧...嗯...还有饼干吗?有!瑞秋,我认为你不应该把所有男人拒之门外.我不这么想. 我认为你只不过需要建立一个成
熟的筛选程序.不. 我只想先单身一阵,你知道吗?我得先弄明白我想要什么样的不, 不, 你看,因为不是所有人都会像Paolo那样.不
, 我知道, 我知道, 而且我肯定你的小儿子不会长成他那样.什么? / 什么?我...我...我有了个儿子?不, 不, 不, 事实
上, 不是儿子.我有, 我有了儿子!嗯? 我是有了儿子吗?是, 你有儿子了!我有儿子了! 哦, 我有儿子了!什么 / 怎么了?我有
儿子了! 我...我有儿子了!嘿! / 嘿!我们已经知道了!我有儿子了. 嗯...看! 我又赢了一局!闭嘴吧!!你们去哪? 来呀,
再来一局!嘿, 现在已经凌晨2:30了!对, 出去!你们可老是到我那屋去泡着!来吧, 我就用左手? 来吧, 软蛋!好吧, 我得走
了.我走了, 我已经走了.再来一局?当然!113 The One With the Boobies[Scene: Monica a
nd Rachel''s, Chandler walks in and starts raiding the fridge. The
n Rachel comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her w
aist, drying herself with another towel. Chandler and Rachel star
tle each other and she drops the towel for a second and snatches
the rug off the couch.]Rachel: That is IT! You just barge in here
, you don''t knockChandler: I''m sorry!Rachel: You have no respect
for anybody''s privacy!Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait.Rachel: No, yo
u wait! This is ridiculous!Chandler: Can I just say one thing?Rac
hel: What? What?!Chandler: That''s a relatively open weave and I c
an still see your... nipular areas.Rachel: Oh!!(She storms off)Op
ening Credits[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her boyfr
iend Roger, talking to Rachel and Monica.]Phoebe: Oh, honey, hone
y, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are,
like, other things. Y''know? Like, the phone rings and she takes a
shower.Roger: That''s pretty much it.Phoebe: Oops!Roger: But you
tell it really well, sweetie.Phoebe: Thanks. Okay, now go away so
we can talk about you.Roger: Okay. I''ll miss you.Phoebe: Isn''t h
e great?Rachel: He''s so cute! And he seems to like you so much.Ph
oebe: I know, I know. So sweet... and so complicated. And for a s
hrink, he''s not too shrinky, y''know?Monica: So, you think you''ll
do it on his couch?Phoebe: Oh, I don''t know, I don''t know. I thin
k that''s a little weird, y''know? Vinyl.Rachel: Okaaay. (To the gu
ys, on the couch) Any of you guys want anything else?Chandler: Oh
, yes, could I have one of those. (Points)Rachel: No, I''m sorry,
we''re all out of those. Anybody else?Chandler: Okay.Roger: Did I,
uh, did I miss something?Chandler: No, she''s still upset because
I saw her boobies.Ross: You what? Wh what were you doing seeing
her boobies?Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across t
he street with a telescope and a box of donuts.Rachel: Okay, okay
, could we change the subject, please?Phoebe: Yeah, ''cause hello,
these are not her boobies, these are her breasts.Rachel: Okay, P
heebs, I was hoping for more of a change.Chandler: Y''know, I don''
t know why you''re so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.Rac
hel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that''s it? I mean, mittens are
nice.Chandler: Okaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place, me.Roger: Yo
u''re so funny! He''s really funny! I wouldn''t wanna be there when
when the laughter stops.Chandler: Whoah whoah, back up there, Spa
rky. What''d you mean by that?Roger: Oh, just seems as though that
maybe you have intimacy issues. Y''know, that you use your humour
as a way of keeping people at a distance.Chandler: Huh.Roger: I
mean hey! I just met you, I don''t know you from Adam. ...Only chi
ld, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty.Chandler: Uhhu
h, how did you know that?Roger: It''s textbook.(Joey enters with h
is dad)Joey: Hey you guys. Hey, you all know my dad, right?All: H
ey! Hey, Mr. Trib!Monica: Hey, how long are you in the city?Mr. T
ribbiani: Just for a coupla days. I got a job midtown. I figure I
''m better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and f
orth on the ferry. (Sees Roger) I don''t know this one.Phoebe: Oh,
this is my friend Roger.Roger: Hi. Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, hey. Good
to meet you, Roger.Roger: You too, sir.Mr. Tribbiani: (To Phoebe
) What happened to the, uh, puppet guy?Joey: Dad, dad. (Shakes hi
s head)Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, ''scuse me. So Ross, uh, how''s the wife?
(Ross whines and lays his head on Chandler''s shoulder) Off there
too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny!(Chandler stay
s stonefaced)[Scene: Chandler and Joey''s, Mr. Tribbiani is on the
phone.]Mr. Tribbiani: Gotta go. I miss you too, I love you, but
it''s getting real late nowJoey: (Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. List
en, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazida, and... Excuse me? (To
his dad) Did you know this isn''t Ma?(His dad nods. Cut to later.
Joey is chopping mushrooms)Mr. Tribbiani: Her name''s Ronni. She''
s a pet mortician. Joey: Sure. So how long you been... (Goes back
to chopping)Mr. Tribbiani: Remember when you were a little kid,
I used to take you to the navy yard and show you the big ships?Jo
ey: Since then?!Mr. Tribbiani: No, it''s only been six years. I ju
st wanted to put a nice memory in your head so you''d know that I
wasn''t always such a terrible guy. ...Joe. Y''ever been in love?Jo
ey: ...I d''know.Mr. Tribbiani: Then y''haven''t. You''re burning you
r tomatoes.Joey: You''re one to talk. (Puts the mushrooms in a sau
cepan)Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad''s in love big time. And the wo
rst part of it is, it''s with two different women.Joey: Oh man. Pl
ease tell me one of ''em is Ma.Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course on
e of ''em''s Ma. What''s the matter with you.[Scene: Monica and Rach
el''s, Joey is lamenting to everyone about hid dad''s affair.]Joey:
It''s like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was lead
ing this double life. He''s like actually some spy, working for th
e C.I.A. (Considers) That''d be cool.... This blows!Rachel: I know
, I mean, why can''t parents just stay parents? (She walks over ne
ar Chandler and his gaze stays very obviously on her chest) Why d
o they have to become people? Why do they have... (Notices Chandl
er) Why can''t you stop staring at my breasts?Chandler: (Without l
ooking up) What? (Looks up) What?Rachel: Did you not get a good e
nough look the other day?Ross: Alright, alright. We''re all adults
here, there''s only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her bo
obies, I think, uh, you''re gonna have to show her your peepee.Cha
ndler: Y''know, I don''t see that happening?Rachel: C''mon, he''s rig
ht. Tit for tat.Chandler: Well I''m not showing you my ''tat.''(Door
buzzer goes)Monica: Hello?Phoebe: (Intercom) It''s Phoebe.Roger:
(Intercom) And Rog.Monica: C''mon up.Chandler: (Sarcastic) Oh, goo
d. Rog is here.Joey: What''s the matter with Rog?Ross: Yeah.Chandl
er: Oh, it''s nothing, it''s a little thing... I hate that guy.Ross
: What, so he was a little analytical. That''s what he does, y''kno
w? C''mon, he''s not that bad.(Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitt
ing at the table. Ross is upset)Ross: Y''see, that''s where you''re
wrong. Why would I marry her if I thought on any level thatthat s
he was a lesbian?Roger: I dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage t
o fail.Ross: Why? Why would I why? Why? Why? Why?Roger: I don''t k
now. Maybe maybe low self-esteem, maybe maybe to compensate for o
vershadowing a sibling, maybe you...Monica: Wait-wait, go back to
that sibling thing.Roger: Well, I don''t know. I mean, it''s conce
ivable that you wanted to sabotage your marriage so that the sibl
ing would feel less of a failure in the eyes of the parents.Ross:
That that''s ridiculous! I don''t feel guilty for her failures!Mon
ica: Oh! So you think I''m a failure!Phoebe: Isn''t he good?Ross: N
onono, thatthat''s not what I was saying...Monica: Y''know, all the
se years, I thought you were on my side. But maybe what you were
doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they''d keep liking you bet
ter!Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!(Cut to
later. Rachel is in tears)Rachel: You''re right! I mean you''re rig
ht! It wasn''t just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace
, and and the Weebles'' Cruise Ship. Oh, which had this little lif
eboat for the Weebles to wobble in. Roger: That''s tough. Tough st
uff. C''mon, Pheebs, we''re gonna catch that movie, we gotta get go
ing. Phoebe: Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, ''kay?Roger: Geez, we''
re gonna be late, sweetie...Phoebe: Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for
everything, Mon.Monica: You''re welcome.Roger: Listen guys, it was
great seeing you again. Mon, um, easy on those cookies, okay? Re
member, they''re just food, they''re not love.(He shuts the door an
d Ross and Monica fling cookies at it)Monica: Hate that guy! (Thr
ows another cookie)[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey are jus
t leaving Monica and Rachel''s.]Joey: Night, you guys.(They notice
that a woman is sitting by their door)Chandler: Oh look, it''s th
e woman we ordered.Joey: Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?Ronni: Oh,
no thanks, I''m just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.Joey: I''m Jo
ey Tribbiani.Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you''re s
o much cuter than your pictures! (Joey stares at her) I-I''m, I''m
Ronni....Cheese Nip?Chandler: Uh, Joey''s having an embolism, but
I''d go for a Nip, y''know?Commercial Break[Scene: Chandler and Joe
y''s, Ronni is talking to Chandler. Joey''s dad is not around.]Ronn
i: Now, y''see, most people, when their pets pass on, they want ''e
m sorta laid out like they''re sleeping. But occasionally you get
your person who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their tail, (
Demonstrates) or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee.Chandler: Joey,
if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.Ronni: That''s a goo
d one!(Joey''s dad enters.)Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, Joe.Joey: Dad, Ronn
i''s here.Mr. Tribbiani: Huh?Ronni: Hi.Mr. Tribbiani: Hey! Hello,
babe! Wh what''re what''re you doing here?Ronni: Oh, uh, well, you
left your good hair at my apartment, I figured you''d need it tomo
rrow for your meeting. (Hands him the hair)Mr. Tribbiani: Thank y
ou. Uh...Chandler: So, who''s up for a big game of Kerplunk?Ronni:
Look, I uh, I shouldn''ta come. I-I''d better get going, I don''t w
anna miss the last train.Mr. Tribbiani: I don''t want you taking t
hat thing.Ronni: Oh, where''m I gonna stay, here?Joey: Who-ah-ho.M
r. Tribbiani: We''ll go to a hotel.Ronni: (Shrugs) We''ll go to a h
otel.Joey: No you won''t.Ronni: No we won''t.Joey: If you go to a h
otel you''ll be...doing stuff. I want you right here where I can k
eep an eye on you.Mr. Tribbiani: You''re gonna keep an eye on us?J
oey: That''s right, mister, and I don''t care how old you are, as l
ong as you''re under my roof you''re gonna live by my rules. And th
at means no sleeping with your girlfriend.Ronni: Wow. He''s strict
.Joey: Now dad, you''ll be in my room, Ronni uh, you can stay in C
handler''s room.Ronni: Thanks. You''re, uh, you''re a good kid.Chand
ler: C''mon, I''ll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird whe
n it''s not followed by "No thanks, it''s late." Joey: Okay. Now th
is is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you gotta make a chang
e. This has gone on long enough.Mr. Tribbiani: What kinda change?
Joey: Well, either you break it off with RonniMr. Tribbiani: I ca
n''t do that!Joey: Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This is not
right!Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah, but this isJoey: I don''t wanna hear it
! Now go to my room![Scene: Chandler and Joey''s, night. Chandler
and Joey are sharing the sofabed in the living room. Joey is rest
less.]Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What''re you doing?Joey: Just trying t
o get comfortable. I can''t sleep in my underwear. Chandler: Well,
you''re gonna.Joey: I''ve been thinking. Y''know, about how I''m alw
ays seeing girls on top of girls...Chandler: Are they end to end,
or tall like pancakes?Joey: Y''know what I mean, about how I''m al
ways going out with all these women. And I always figured, when t
he right one comes along, I''d be able to be a stand-up guy and go
the distance, y''know? Now I''m looking at my dad, thinking...Chan
dler: Hey, you''re not him. You''re you. When they were all over yo
u to go into your father''s pipe-fitting business, did you cave?Jo
ey: No.Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor
business. Now that wasn''t easy, but you did it! And I''d like to
believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the
courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I''m married."Joey: You re
ally think so?Chandler: Yeah. I really do.Joey: Thanks, Chandler.
(Snuggles up to him)Chandler: Get off![Scene: Monica and Rachel''
s, morning. Someone knocks on the door and Monica gets it.]Ronni:
Hi.Monica: Hi...May I help you?Ronni: Yeah, uh, Joey said I coul
d use your shower, since, uh, Chandler''s in ours?Monica: Okay...w
ho are you?Ronni: Oh, I''m Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The mistress?Mo
nica: Oh, c''mon in.Ronni: Thanks.Rachel: Hi, I''m Rachel.Ronni: Hi
.Rachel: Bathroom''s up there.Ronni: Great.Rachel: Hey, listen, Ro
nni, how long would you say Chandler''s been in the shower?Ronni:
Oh, like, uh, five minutes?Rachel: Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts
, it''s peepee time. (She goes into Joey and Chandler''s apartment,
where Mr. Tribbiani is reading the paper) Hey, Mr. Trib. Mr. Tri
bbiani: Hey. Morning, dear.(Rachel goes up to the door of their b
athroom)Rachel: Chandler Bing? It''s time to see your thing.(She o
pens the door and whips back the curtain. It''s Joey. They both sc
ream)Joey: (Runs out in a towel) What''s the matter with you?!Rach
el: I thought it was Chandler!Chandler: (Comes out of his room) W
hat? What?Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see
your thing!Chandler: Sorry, my my thing was in there with me.[Sc
ene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Phoebe enters.]All: Hey,
Pheebs.Phoebe: Hey. Monica: How''s it going?Phoebe: Good. Oh oh! R
oger''s having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.
(Chandler laughs)Phoebe: So what''s going on?Monica: Nothing, um,
it''s just, um... It''s Roger. Ross: I dunno, there''s just somethin
g about...Chandler: Basically we just feel that he''s...Rachel: We
hate that guy.All: Yeah. Hate him.Ross: We''re sorry, Pheebs, we''
re sorry.Phoebe: Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don''t you think, maybe, thou
gh, it''s just that he''s so perceptive that it freaks you out?All:
...No, we hate him.Rachel: We''re sorry.[Scene: Chandler and Joey
''s apartment, Joey is trying to turn the sofabed back into a sofa
. Someone knocks on the door and it rears up at him.]Joey: Ma! Wh
at''re you doing here?Mrs. Tribbiani: I came to give you this (Giv
es him a bag of groceries) and this. (Whacks him round the ear)Jo
ey: Oww! Big ring!Mrs. Tribbiani: Why did you have to fill your f
ather''s head with all that garbage about making things right? Thi
ngs were fine the way they were! There''s chicken in there, put it
away. For God''s sake, Joey, really. (She gives the sofabed a tin
y push and it folds away)Joey: Hold on, you-you knew?Mrs. Tribbia
ni: Of course I knew! What did you think? Your father is no James
Bond. You should''ve heard some of his cover stories. "I''m sleepi
ng over at my accountant''s," I mean, what is that? Please!Joey: S
o then how could you I mean, how could you?!Mrs. Tribbiani: Do yo
u remember how your father used to be? Always yelling, always yel
ling nothing made him happy, nothing made him happy, not that woo
d shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing. Now
he''s happy! I mean, it''s nice, he has a hobby.Joey: Ma, I don''t
mean to be disrespectful, but... what the hell are you talking ab
out?! I mean, what about you?Mrs. Tribbiani: Me? I''m fine. Look,
honey, in an ideal world, there''d be no her, and your father woul
d look like Sting. And I''ll tell you something else. Ever since t
hat poodle-stuffer came along, he''s been so ashamed of himself th
at he''s been more attentive, he''s been more loving... I mean, it''
s like every day''s our anniversary.Joey: I''m...happy...for you?Mr
s. Tribbiani: Well don''t be, because now everything''s screwed up.
I just want it the way it was.Joey: Ma, I''m sorry. I just did wh
at I thought you''d want.Mrs. Tribbiani: I know you did, cookie. O
h, I know you did. So tell me. Did you see her?Joey: Yeah. You''re
ten times prettier than she is.Mrs. Tribbiani: That''s sweet. Cou
ld I take her?Joey: With this ring? (Her engagement ring.) No con
test.[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there with Roger.]Roger: Wha
t''s wrong, sweetie?Phoebe: Nothing, nothing.Roger: Aaaah, what''s
wrong, c''mon. (Pats his leg. She lies down and rests her head in
his lap)Phoebe: It''s, I mean, it''s nothing, I''m fine. It''s my fri
ends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they
don''t.Roger: Oh. They don''t.Phoebe: But they don''t see all the w
onderfulness that I see. They don''t see all the good stuff and al
l the sweet stuff. They just think you''re a little...Roger: What?
Phoebe: Intense and creepy. Roger: Oh.Phoebe: But I don''t. Me, Ph
oebe.Roger: Well, I''m not I''m not at all surprised they feel that
way.Phoebe: You''re not? See, that''s why you''re so great! Roger:
Actually it''s, it''s quite, y''know, typical behaviour when you hav
e this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. Y''know, this kind of
co-dependant, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee
house with your stupid big cups which, I''m sorry, might as well h
ave nipples on them, and you''re like all ''Oh, define me! Define m
e! Love me, I need love!''.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Joey is le
tting everyone in on the new developments.]Monica: So you talked
to your dad, huh.Joey: Yeah. He''s gonna keep cheating on my ma li
ke she wanted, she''s gonna keep pretending she doesn''t know even
though she does, and my little sister Tina can''t see her husband
any more because he got a restraining order...which has nothing t
o do with anything except that I found out today.Rachel: Wow.Chan
dler: Things sure have changed here on Waltons mountain.Ross: So
Joey, you okay?Joey: Yeah, I guess. It''s just parents, after a ce
rtain point, you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you''ve go
tta let them make their own mistakes.Rachel: Just think, in a cou
ple of years we get to turn into them.Chandler: If I turn into my
parents, I''ll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-
year-old boys, or... I''ll end up like my mom.Phoebe: (entering) H
ey.All: Hey, Pheebs.Monica: How''s it going?Phoebe: Oh, okay, exce
pt I broke up with Roger.All: Awww.Phoebe: Yeah, right.All: Aaaww
wwww!!Rachel: What happened?Phoebe: I don''t know, I mean, he''s a
good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think
he is so right for me, it''s just... I hate that guy!Closing Cred
its[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s. Phoebe is reading the paper and J
oey enters.]Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What''s going on?Joey: Clear the tr
acks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He
goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, close
ly followed by Monica in a towel)Monica: Joey!! What the hell wer
e you doing?!Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies.(He leaves. Cut to Monica
entering Chandler and Joey''s apartment. She sneaks up to the sho
wer door)Monica: Hello, Joey.(She whips back the curtain to revea
l Joey''s dad)Mr. Tribbiani: Oh! ...Hello, dear. (She whips the cu
rtain shut in horror)End113 看胸脯抱歉 天啊，我受够了你不敲门就闯进来? 难道你不尊重别人的隐私权?
瑞秋，慢着 不，你慢着，这太荒唐了我能说一件事吗? 什么事?这块布编的非常松因此我仍能看见你的胸脯亲爱的，告诉他们你的病人如何把
事想成另一件事例如电话响时她就去洗澡差不多是那样但你说得很好 谢谢快走开我们才能谈你好吧，我会想念你的他很不错吧他好帅，也好像很喜
欢你我知道，他人很好导演：亚伦梅尔森而且很复杂为何他们就得成为人间男女?他会在沙发上做吗?我不知道…有点奇怪聚乙稀做的大家还想要别
的吗?要，我要… 抱歉，卖完了，其他人呢?我是否错过某事? 没有她很生气因为我看见她的胸脯你看她的胸脯干吗? 那是意外和拿着望
远镜和甜甜圈过街的感觉不同能改变话题吗?没错，因为那不是她的胸脯而是她的胸部菲比，我要的不只是改变字眼我不知你如此介意你的胸脯很好
看好看?就这样?手套也很好看我…左右为难你真逗他真的很逗他不笑的时候 我也不想待在这儿等等那是什么意思?你似乎有亲密上的问题你用你
的幽默和人保持距离我才刚认识你我对你毫无所知独子?父母在你青春期前离婚?你怎会知道？ 你很典型各位 乔伊你们都认识我爸吧?打算在纽
约待多久?几天我在中城工作我想和儿子同住 比来回坐渡轮好我没见过他他是我朋友罗杰幸会，罗杰 彼此彼此玩布偶的那个怎么了? 爸抱歉
，罗斯，你的太太呢?两人出局了?钱德，说点好笑的我得挂电话了，我也想你我爱你，但现在很晚了让我向她打声招呼妈，我和包西达大夫约了时
间什么?你知道这不是妈吗?她叫罗妮，宠物殡葬业者当然你和她多久了…记得小时候我常带你去海军军港看大船?从那时候?不，才6年我只想勾
起你美好的回忆让你不会觉得我一直是个大烂人乔伊，你爱过吗?我不知道 那就是没有你的蕃茄烧焦了别想转移话题乔，你老爸爱得无法自拔最糟
的是我爱两个女人拜托你告诉我其中一个是妈当然其中一个是你妈你是怎么搞的?这就像你某天起床突然发现你爸是个双面人就像是为中情局工作的
间谍那一定很酷但这个很烂我懂为何父母就不能是父母?为何他们就得成为人间男女?别再盯着我的胸部看什么?什么?那一天你还看得不够吗?我
们都已是成年人此事只有一个解决之道既然你看过她的胸脯你应该让她看你的小弟弟办不到拜托，他说得对以眼还眼我不会让你看的我不会让你看的
快上来这下可好，罗杰来了罗杰有什么不对劲吗?没什么，小事我讨厌这家伙为什么?因为他太善于分析他就是这种人别这样嘛，他没那么糟这就是
你错误的地方如果当初我感觉到她是女同志我何必和她结婚呢?我不知道或许你想让婚姻失败为什么…我不知道，或许自信心不足或许是弥补你让你
妹相形见绌的愧疚或许…等等，回到妹妹的话题什么?我不知道你要使你的婚姻触礁让你妹在父母面前不那么抬不起头这太荒谬了她不争气我并未感
到自责你认为我不争气?他不错吧我不是那个意思?多年来我以为你支持我但或许你婚姻失败目的是想巴结爸妈让他们更心疼你我娶女同志是想让你
建立自信你说得对那不是“威伯”的问题而是威伯游乐宫和游轮的问题它上面的救生艇让威伯能缓缓驶出那滋味不好受菲比，如果想看电影我们现在
该走了打起精神来，瑞秋菲比，我们快来不及了 好谢谢 不客气各位，很高兴和各位再度见面摩妮卡，饼干别吃太多切记，那只是食物不是爱我讨
厌这家伙晚安，各位这是我们订的女人需要帮忙吗?不用，谢谢，我在等乔依我就是乔依不是你，是老乔依天啊，你此照片上帅多了我是罗妮想吃起
司块(夹子)吗?乔伊有“栓子”但我可以来一点大部份人在宠物过世后希望它们就像长眠一样但有些人要他们摆出姿势像追自己的尾巴跳起接住飞
盘乔伊，如果我先走 我的姿势要像找钥匙一样这姿势不错 乔伊罗妮来了宝贝你来干什么?你的假发留在我的住处我想你明天用得上谢谢谁想玩“
科普朗克”?我不该来这儿我该走了 我不想错过最后一班地铁不，我不要你坐这么晚的车我要住哪儿?这里?我们去住饭店我们去住饭店不行 不
行你们去饭店就一定会办事我要你们待在这儿这样我就可以监视你要监视我们?没错，我不管你们多大只要住在我家 —切就得听我的那就是不准你
们睡在一起他好严格爸，你睡我房间罗妮，你睡钱德的房间谢谢你真是个好孩子来，我带你去看我房间感觉真奇怪你没说“不，谢了，时候不早了”
只有今晚 明天你们就得做出改变6年已经够久了什么改变?不是和她分手就是… 我办不到不然就是向妈自首 这样是不对的对，但是… 我不想
听快进我房里别踢了你在干什么?找寻舒适的位置穿着内裤我睡不着 你非穿不可我一直在想…我总是看见女人叠在女人上面她们是首尾相接 或是
像煎饼一样高懂我意思吗?我总想像自己和这些女人约会因为我总想梦中情人出现时我就会勇往直前坚持到最后但如今看见我爸…你不是他，你是你
自己当全天下都希望你继承你爸的事业时你有屈服吗？ 没有你决心当个演员这不是一件容易的事 但你办到了我也相信梦中情人出现时你会有勇气
对她说“抱歉，我已婚”你真的这样认为?真的谢谢 滚开有事吗?乔伊说我能用你的浴室因为钱德正在用我们的 可以啊你是谁？ 我叫罗妮情妇
请进 谢谢我叫瑞秋浴室在那儿 好罗妮，钱德进浴室多久了?约5分钟 太好了请系好安全带“小弟弟”时间到了崔先生早安钱德，该我看你的小
弟弟了你是怎么搞的?我以为你是钱德什么事?你应该在浴室 这样我才能看见你的小弟弟抱歉，我的小弟弟和我在那儿菲比如何？ 不错罗杰想邀
大家一起吃晚餐怎么了？ 没事只是…罗杰我说不上来，有些事…基本上我们认为他…我们讨厌他…菲此，我们很抱歉是不是他观察入微反而吓到你
们了不，我们讨厌他… 抱歉妈，你来干什么?我拿这个来给你还有这个头好晕你为何讲一大堆要你爸改正的垃圾?何不顺其自然呢?里面有鸡肉，
拿去放拜托，乔依，真的慢着，你都知道?我当然知道，你认为呢?你爸又不是詹姆士庞德你应该听过他的谎言“我在会计这儿睡”那是什么?拜托
你怎能…记得你爸以前的模样吗?总是大吼大叫总是不开心连木店和瓶内的小船也无法让他开心这样也好，他总算有个嗜好妈，恕我直言你到底在说
什么?你呢？ 我很好啊在理想的世界中没有她你爸也长得和史汀一样帅再告诉你别的自从那女人出现后他感到内疚而开始对我体贴每天都像我们的
结婚纪念日我该为你高兴?不需要因为现在全搞砸了我只想回到从前妈，对不起我以为自己做了你想做的事我知道告诉我，你看见她没?你此她漂亮
多了嘴巴真甜我斗得过她?你有戒指，她斗不过的怎么了？ 没事到底怎么了?快说嘛好吧，我…没事问题出在我朋友身上他们对你有意见他们…
他们？他们看不见你的好处他们看不见你好的一面他们认为你有点… 什么？难以相处但我菲比不这么认为我对他们的反应毫不感到惊讶你不惊讶?
这就是我欣赏你的地方当群体动力失调时这是很平常的反应这种相互依赖，情绪激动坐在那家烂咖啡屋拿着大咖啡杯抱歉，或许还有乳头在上面
你们都会说“定义我这个人”“爱我，我需要爱”你和你爸谈过了?他要以我妈希望的方式继续欺骗我妈我妈要继续假装她一无所知我妹蒂娜不能再
见她丈夫因为他接到禁制令这两件事没关系 但我今天才听说华登山这儿的事全变了乔伊，你没事吧?或许吧，他们是父母你不得不顺其自然即使你
知道这样做不对但你还是得让他们犯自己的错误而且几年后我们就和他们一样拜托如果我像他们一样我不是变成追逐金发帅哥的酒鬼就是变得和我妈
一样如何？还好，只是我和罗杰分手了没错 不…怎么了？ 我说不上来他的个好人而且对我很体贴他的某些方面很适合我只是…我讨厌这个人11
4 The One With the Candy Hearts[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyei
ng a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are eg
ging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]Joey:
I''m tellin'' you Ross, she wants you.Ross: She barely knows me. We
just live in the same building.Chandler: Any contact?Ross: She l
ent me an egg once.Joey: You''re in!Ross: Aw, right.Woman: Hi, Ros
s.Ross: Hey. (stutters something incoherent)Chandler: Come on, Ro
ss, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing''s n
ot happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian—I don''t think we need a t
hird... Joey: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in
the shell? Thanks.Ross: An egg?Joey: Yeah, you''re gonna go up to
her and say, "Here''s your egg back, I''m returning your egg."Chand
ler: I think it''s winning.Ross: I think it''s insane.Chandler: She
''ll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.(Ross walks over to the w
oman, egg in hand.)Joey: Think it''ll work?Chandler: No, it''s suic
ide. The man''s got an egg.Opening Credits[Scene: Central Perk, Mo
nica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still tal
king to the beautiful woman.]Monica: You can not do this.Rachel:
Do what, do what?Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow nig
ht.Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don''t you remember why you dumped the guy
?Phoebe: ''Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening
... alright, still, it''s nice to have a date on Valentine''s Day!M
onica: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of
the year. I know I do. Rachel: Well, what are you guys doing tomo
rrow night?Joey: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how to
night goes.Chandler: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...Joey: No, no
, no, don''t you dare bail on me. The only reason she''s goin'' out
with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.C
handler: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a...Joey: P
athetic mess? I know, but—come on, man, she''s needy, she''s vulner
able. I''m thinkin'', cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He
picks it up and eats it.) Thanks. Look, you have not been out wit
h a woman since Janice. You''re doin'' this.Ross: Hi. She said yes.
Chandler: Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and Ross hug. Something
crunches in Ross'' shirt pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?[Scene: A
Restaurant, Joey and Chandler are there, waiting for their dates
to show up.]Joey: (Looking at himself in the reflection on a kni
fe) How do I look?Chandler: Oh, uh, I... don''t... care. (Joey''s d
ate shows up) Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty o
ne, I get the mess.Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you b
rought. Very nice.Chandler: ...And what did you bring?Lorraine: S
he''s checking the coats. Joey, I''m gonna go wash the cab smell of
f my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red
for Janice.Chandler: Janice?(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his he
ad as though to say, ''It can''t be the same Janice.'' Janice enters
.)Janice: Oh.... my.... God.Chandler: (angrily) Hey, it''s Janice.
[Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant, Chandler and Joey are tal
king.]Chandler: Ok, I''m makin'' a break for it, I''m goin'' out the
window. Joey: No, no, no, don''t! I''ve been waitin'' for like, fore
ver to go out with Lorraine. Just calm down. Chandler: Calm down?
Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I''ve dumped twice i
n the last five months!Joey: (at the urinal) Can you stop yellin''
? You''re makin'' me nervous, and I can''t go when I''m nervous.Chand
ler: I''m sorry, I''m sorry, you''re right. (gets up right behind Jo
ey and yells in his ear) Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!![Sc
ene: Monica and Rachel''s, the girls are all there, discussing the
ir bad luck with men.]Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he wa
s nothing compared to Pete Carney.Monica: Which one was Pete Carn
ey?Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry eve
ry time we had sex. (imitating) "Was it good for you?"Monica: Yea
h, well, I''ll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win
"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for tw
o months—I didn''t get to win once.Rachel: How did we end up with
these jerks? We''re good people!Monica: I don''t know. Maybe we''re
some kinda magnets.Phoebe: I know I am. That''s why I can''t wear a
digital watch.Monica: There''s more beer, right?Phoebe: Oh! You k
now my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want
to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ri
tual.Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.Phoebe: Yeah
. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It''s Valentine''s Day
. It''s perfect.Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?Phoebe: Ok.
We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.Rachel: Or?Phoebe:
Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with stic
ks.Monica: Burning''s good.Rachel: Burning''s good. Yeah, I got stu
ff to burn.[Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and
Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are seated very close,
Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one anoth
er.]Lorraine: You know, ever since I was little, I''ve been able t
o pick up quarters with my toes.Joey: Good for you. (jumps sudden
ly) Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?Janice: By the way, Chandle
r. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag
with just your heads.Chandler: That''s OK.Janice: Oh, are you sur
e? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets out of
them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.(Lorrain
e whispers into Joey''s ear.)Joey: (to Lorraine) We can''t do that.
Chandler: (disgusted) What? What can''t you do?Joey: Uh, can I tal
k to you for a second, over there?(Chandler and Joey leave the ta
ble.)Joey: Uh, we might be leaving now.Chandler: Tell me it''s "yo
u and me" we.Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with stu
ff and then lick it off. I''m not even sure what slathering is, bu
t I definitely want to be a part of it.Chandler: Ok, you can not
do this to me.Joey: You''re right, I''m sorry. You''re right.Lorrain
e: (to waiter) Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go plea
se?Joey: I''m outta here. Here''s my credit card. Dinner''s on me. I
''m sorry, Chandler.Chandler: I hope she throws up on you.(Joey le
aves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back down with Janice.)Chandler
: So...Janice: Just us.Chandler: Oh, what a crappy night!Janice:
Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt''s been stic
kin'' outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom
. Chandler: Excuse me. (gets up, jumps up and down while he zips
his zipper up... other patrons look at him) How ya doin''?Janice:
So, do we have the best friends or what?Chandler: Joey''s not a fr
iend. He''s...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another dr
ink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?Janice: I will go for that dri
nk.Chandler: You got it. Good woman! (the waiter turns around, it
''s a man) Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne
?Janice: Each.Chandler: That''s right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy.
(to Janice) I''ve always wanted to know...[Scene: Chandler''s bedr
oom, Chandler wakes up, and finds someone else''s hand on his ches
t. He rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.]Janice: Happ
y Valentine''s Day!Commercial Break[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler i
s trying to get Janice out of his apartment.]Janice: Oh, I miss y
ou already. Can you believe this happened?Chandler: No... no! And
yet it did. Good-bye, Janice.Janice: Kiss me!(Janice kisses him.
Monica comes out for the newspaper.}Monica: Oh, Chandler, sorry.
(Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.)Monica: Ohhh, Chandl
er, sorry! Hey, Janice.Janice: Hi, Monica.Chandler: Ok, well, thi
s was very special.Monica: Rach, come see who''s out here!(Rachel
comes out.)Rachel: Oh my god. Janice, hi!Chandler: Janice is gonn
a go away now.Monica: I''ll be right back.(Joey enters from the st
airs.)Rachel: Oh, Joey, look who it is.Joey: (in disbelief) Whoa.
Chandler: Oh, good, Joey''s home now.Janice: This is so fun. This
is like a reunion in the hall.(Monica comes out with her cordless
phone.)Monica: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There''s someone I want you to
say hi to. (to Chandler) He just happened to call.Janice: Hi, Ro
ss. Yes, it''s me. How did you know? (she laughs obnoxiously) [Sce
ne: A Chinese Restaurant, Ross is there with his date.]Ross: I''m
just sayin'' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the w
hole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a do
g flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn''t just lose three
hours, he loses like a week and a half.(Ross starts to laugh, and
then makes a face like ''Why did I just say that?'' Ross'' ex-wife,
Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross
stares at them.)Kristin: That''s funny. Who are they?Ross: The blo
nd woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... clos
e, personal friend.Kristin: You mean they''re lovers.Ross: If you
wanna put a label on it.Kristin: Wow, uh, anything else I should
know?Ross: Nope, nope, that''s it. (Carol takes off her jacket, he
r pregnant belly is exposed.)Ross: Oh, and she''s pregnant with my
baby. I always forget that part. (to Carol and Susan) Helloo![Sc
ene: Monica and Rachel''s, the girls are holding their boyfriend b
onfire.]Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacr
amental wine.Monica: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.Phoeb
e: Um, that''s ok! (throws it in fire) Ok. All right. Now we need
the semen of a righteous man.Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, i
f we had that, we wouldn''t be doing the ritual in the first place
.Monica: Can we just start throwing things in?Phoebe: Ok, yeah, o
k. (she throws the directions in) Oh, OK.Rachel: (tossing things
in the fire) Ok, Barry''s letters. Adam Ritter''s boxer shorts.Phoe
be: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oo
n Ah Ah.Monica: Look, here''s a picture of Scotty Jared naked.Rach
el: (looking at picture) Hey he''s wearing a sweater.Monica: No.Ra
chel and Phoebe: Eww!Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo''s
grappa.Monica: Hey, Rachel, isn''t that stuff almost pure...(Rach
el throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up fr
om it.)[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Chandle
r is preparing to dump Janice again.]Chandler: How can I dump thi
s woman on Valentine''s day?Joey: I don''t know. You dumped her on
New Year''s.Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life, I''m coming back as
a toilet brush.(Janice enters.)Janice: Hello, funny Valentine.Ch
andler: Hi, Just Janice.Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmake
r. I could just kiss you all over, and I''m gonna!(Janice kisses J
oey all over. Chandler smiles.)Joey: (to Chandler) If you don''t d
o it, I will.[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant.]Ross: So, um, what d
o you do for a living?Kristin: Well, um, for the past few years I
''ve been working..(Ross is watching Carol and Susan, not listenin
g to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left strande
d)...which is funny because, that wasn''t even my major.Carol: Oh
no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you. Sus
an: I thought they could...I''ll try to get back as soon as I can.
I''m sorry. (Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so
he starts to laugh hysterically.)Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, d
o you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to jo
in us? ''Cause she''s, she''s alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.
Kristin: (reluctantly) I guess.Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol?
Wanna come over and join us?Carol: Oh, no no no. I''m fine. I''m f
ine.Ross: Come on. These people''ll scooch down. You guys''ll scooc
h, won''t you? Let''s try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen
Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches s
ixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...(struggling)...does something
that, funnily enough, wasn''t even her major![Scene: Monica and R
achel''s, firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of
control.]Fireman No. 1: What do we got there?Fireman No. 2: A pie
ce of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what looks lik
e a half-charred picture—Wow, that guy''s hairier than the Chief!M
onica: You know, it''s a really funny story how this happened.Fire
man No. 3: It''s all right. It''s all right. You don''t have to expl
ain. This isn''t the first boyfriend bonfire that we''ve seen get o
ut of control.Fireman No. 1: You''re our third call tonight.Rachel
: Really?Fireman No. 2: Oh, sure, Valentine''s is our busiest nigh
t of the year.[Scene: Central Perk.]Janice: I brought you somethi
ng.Chandler: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. (reading the
candy) Chan and Jan Forever.Janice: I had them made special.Chand
ler: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there''s no way for me
to tell you this. At least there''s no new way for me to tell you
this. I just don''t things are gonna work out.Janice: That''s fine
.Chandler: (surprised) It is?Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that
this isn''t the end.Chandler: Oh no, you see, actually it is.Jani
ce: No, it isn''t, because you won''t let that happen. Don''t you kn
ow it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing.Chandler: Oh, no I don''t.Ja
nice: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep endin
g up together? New Year''s? Who invited who? Valentine''s? Who aske
d who into whose bed? Chandler: I did, but...Janice: You seek me
out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn.
Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can''t live without
me. And you know it. You just don''t know you know it. See ya.(She
kisses him passionately,then leaves.)Chandler: Call me![Scene: T
he Chinese Restaurant, Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not
there.]Carol: It''s not true. I never called your mother a wolver
ine.Ross: You did so. I swear, I swear—(noticing Kristin''s absenc
e) How long has she been in the bathroom?Carol: Uh, I don''t think
she''s in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.Ross: Well maybe it''s co
ld in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first date I had in 9 year
s. Carol: That could be it.Ross: Oh, god. (He puts his head down
on the grill) You know, this is still pretty hot. (He picks his h
ead up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off and
eats it.)Carol: Mushroom. Smile. They won''t all be like this. So
me women might even stay through dinner. Sorry, that''s not funnyR
oss: No, it''s just...you know the whole "getting on with your lif
e" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I''m sitting here with this
cute woman, and, and, and she''s perfectly nice, and, but that the
re''s, that''s it. And um, and then I''m here talkin'' to you, and, a
nd it''s easy, and it''s fun, and, and I don''t, I don''t have to...Y
ou know, here''s a wacky thought. Um, what''s say you and I give it
another shot? No no no, I know what you''re gonna say, you''re a l
esbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for now you kn
ow? Let''s just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we''re great togeth
er, you know. You can''t deny it. Besides, you''re carrying my baby
. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you know, you keep sayin''
that, but there''s somethin'' right here. I love you.(They kiss.)C
arol: Oh, I love you too. But...Ross: No but, no but.Carol: You k
now that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It''s time to
take the pin out. You''ll find someone, I know you will. The righ
t woman is just waiting for you.Ross: That''s easy for you to say,
you found one already.Carol: All you need is a woman who likes m
en and you''ll be set.(A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares
at her.)Carol: Not her.Closing Credits[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s
, The girls are talking with the firemen.]Fireman No. 3: We get o
ff around midnight, why don''t we pick you up then?Rachel: So, um,
will you bring the truck?Fireman No. 3: I''ll even let you ring t
he bell.Rachel: Oh, my god.Phoebe: See, there you go, the cleansi
ng works!Monica: They''re nice guys.Rachel: Oh, they''re firemen gu
ys.[Scene: Out in the hall, the firemen are talking.]Fireman No.
1: You guys tell them you were married?Fireman No. 2: No way!Fire
man No. 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn''t know, I''m not g
onna tell them!End114 情人节糖果 告诉你吧，罗斯，她要你她跟我不熟我们只是住在同一栋公寓有过任何接触?她借过
我一颗蛋有机会了罗斯嗨快，你得再接再厉你和瑞秋的事没指望你前妻是个女同志我们不想有第三回抱歉，能给我们一颗蛋吗？整颗蛋，谢谢蛋？对
，你拿这颗蛋去还她，说还给你鸡蛋我们赢定了拜托，这太离谱了她会喜欢的朋友，带着蛋去你想会成功吗？才怪，这简直是自杀你不能这样做做什
么？罗杰明天要带她出去不，菲比难道你忘了为何抛弃他？因为他惹人厌又可怖但情人节有人共度也不差菲比，其他任何一夜跟他约会都无所谓我知
道我会这么做你们明晚有何节目？明天有何节目全看今天的表现关于今晚不,你不能背叛我我答应为她朋友带一位男伴她才答应与我约会我知道，但
她朋友好像是个...可怜虫，我知道但她是如此渴望如此脆弱我想..谢谢你和Janice之后就没约过会你一定要去她答应了干得好蛋还在？
对我的样子如何？不关我的事切记，不准交换你有美女相伴，我有贱货作陪乔依瞧你带什么人来，真帅你带谁来？她在放外套乔伊，我去洗掉手上的
猫味你帮我和Janice点萄葡酒和红酒Janice…Janice…天啊是Janice我得逃了，我要从窗子爬出去拜托，别这样我一直梦
想与萝拉妮约会冷静点..冷静？你竟凑合我与在五个月内被我甩掉两次的女人别这么大声行吗？你让我紧张得…我一紧张就尿不出来抱歉，你说得
对快尿！快点，尿啊！...罗杰虽讨人厌，但与彼德卡尼相较还差得远呢谁是彼德卡尼？爱哭鬼彼德我们每次做爱他就哭“你满足吗？”我每天都
想为霍尔那个家伙哭我赢了我和他约会两个月一次都没赢过我们怎会和这些浑蛋在一起？我们可是良家妇女不知道或许我们有某种吸引力吧我知道我
有所以我不能戴电子表还有啤酒？记得我那剃光头的朋友艾比？她说想要停止与恶男交往的恶性循环可以举行一个清理仪式菲比，她是个大秃头。对
我们明晚可以试试看明天情人节是绝佳的时刻什么仪式？我们可以烧掉他们送的东西或者是？或是念经，拿着权杖裸体跳舞还是烧东西好烧东西好我
有东西可以烧我从儿时就能用脚趾夹起两毛五是吗？真厉害哪一种两毛五？对了，钱德我把照片上的你都剪掉了如果需要我有一袋你的头不用了确定
？真的？你可以在你的“残酷戏院”中用它们玩傀儡游戏你不能这么做什么？不能做什么？能过去和你谈谈吗？我们得先离开告诉我这是你和我，我
们她说她要在我身上涂满东西然后舔干净我不知道涂是什么意思，但我不想错过你不能这样待我你说得对，抱歉三份巧克力慕斯外带我走了这是我的
信用卡这一顿算我的。对不起，钱德我希望她吐在你身上只剩下我们真是糟糕的一夜但我还是一直欣赏你拉链里的衣服自你从洗手间回来后抱歉近来
可好？他们是我们最要好的朋友？乔伊哪儿称得上是朋友他…这笨蛋留下信用卡想再来一杯？甜点？大银幕电视？我想再来一杯没问题，好女人拿瓶
最贵的香槟来每人各一瓶对，每人各一瓶罗伯罗伊...我老早就想品尝了情人节快乐我现在就开始想念你了你能相信会发生这种事吗？不能但还是
发生了再见，Janice吻我钱德，抱歉钱德，抱歉。Janice摩尼卡真是太特别了瑞秋，看谁来了天啊，Janice她就要走了我马上回
来乔伊，看谁来了很好，乔伊回来了这真是太好玩了好像是大团圆一样罗斯，对，跟某人打个招呼吧他恰好打电话来罗斯对，是我你怎么会知道？我
是说会如果狗有时差问题因此狗的七年等于人的一年那么狗从纽约飞到洛杉矶损失的不是三小时，而是十天真好笑她们是谁？金发的是我前妻碰她的
是她的密友你是指她们是情人？如果你硬要这么说的话我需要知道什么？不，就这些了对了，她怀了我的孩子我总是忘了这件事我们需要鼠尾草和沙
加缅度酒我只有牛至叶和佛瑞斯加那样也行现在我们需要正义男子的精液菲比，如果我们有现在就无需进行仪式了可以丢东西了吗？可以了巴瑞的信
亚当瑞塔的四角裤我和纳可路路晚餐的收据这是史考帝的裸体照片他穿着毛衣没有这是保罗的萄葡酒等等，这不是几乎纯…我怎能在情人节甩掉她天
晓得，但你在新年甩掉她下辈子我要当马桶刷有趣的情人Janice乔伊，我们的小媒婆我忍不住想吻你如果你不敢，就让我来开口你从事什么职
业？这几年都在...不，我以为你说他们可以自己做我以为他们会试试看我会尽量赶回来，抱歉真好笑，我又不是主修那个真好笑我邀Carol
过来会很奇怪吗？因为她现在落单，怀孕，心情又不好大概吧你确定？谢谢Carol愿意过来坐吗？不，我没事过来吧这些人会挪过去的各位挪过
去好吗动起来克莉丝汀，这位是CarolCarol，这位是克莉丝汀Carol教六年级克莉丝汀…她的工作...很好笑，因为那不是她的主
修里面有什么东西？肥皂，四角裤，问候卡烧得半焦的照片这家伙的体毛比队长的还浓密这件事说来好笑没关系的，你无须解释烧毁男友物品失控的
事件我们见多了这已是今晚的第三件真的？当然，情人节之夜是我们最忙的时刻我带了东西给你装上子弹了没？心型糖果钱与珍，永远我订做的Ok
ay, Janice…Janice…我不知怎么跟你说至少我不知道怎么用别的办法跟你说我觉得我们不会结果无所谓是吗？嗯因为我知道我们
还没结束事实上已经结束了不，还没因为你不会让它发生的难道你还不懂？你爱我，钱德不，我不爱那么就扪心自问我们为何总是会复合？新年是谁
邀谁？情人节是谁邀谁上床？是我，可是…我是你寻找的对象你的内心深处不断呼喊着我Janice…你要我，你需要我你不能没有我你知道你只
是不知道你知道罢了再见打电话给我没有，我没说你妈是狼人你有，我发誓她上洗手间多久了？我想她不是去上洗手间她的外套不见了或许是太冷吧
或许我搞砸了九年来的第一次约会有可能这里还是很热磨菇笑一下，不会每回都这样的有些女人会把晚餐吃完的抱歉，不好笑人们老说要继续你的人
生我必须吗？我和这位美女坐在这儿她是那么好，但就这么吹了我现在又和你聊天轻松又自在，我何必…我懂我有个疯狂的念头我们再试一次好吗？
我知道你要说你是个女同志但何不暂时将它摆在一旁完全不去想它因为我们在一起很开心这不容你否认而且你又怀了我的孩子这样不是很完美吗？虽
然你一直回绝但我仍然想对你说我爱你我也爱你但是...不要但是暂时放到一旁的事迟早会出现的你会找到对象的，我知道你会的合适的女人正在
等着你你说得倒是轻松你已找到合适的女人你只需找到爱男人的女人即可不是她我们午夜下班之后来找你们可以吗？你们会开消防车过来吗？还会让
你们拉警铃天啊清理仪式奏效没错，他们是好男人他们是消防队员你们有告诉她们你们已婚吗？当然没有别逗了连我女友都不知道我才不会告诉她们
呢115 The One With the Stoned Guy[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is s
erving Joey, Ross, and Monica their drinks.]Rachel: (to Joey) Cof
fee. (Hands it to him.)Joey: Thank you.Rachel: (to Ross) Cappucci
no. (Hands it to him.) Ross: Grazie.Rachel: And a nice hot cider
for Monica. (Hands it to her.)Monica: Aww, thank you. (Notices so
mething.) Uh Rach?Rachel: Yeah?Monica: Why does my cinamon stick
have an eraser?Rachel: Oh! That''s why. (Rachel checks behind her
ear, and finds a cinamon stick.) I''m sorry!(She takes the pencil
out of Monica''s coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)O
pening Credits[Scene: Chandler''s job, Chandler is typing data int
o his computer, he keeps typing even while taking a drink of coff
ee with one hand. One of his co-workers walks by.]Woman: Chandler
.Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You''re looking lovely today. And may I s
ay, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you.Mrs. Tedlock:
Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the e
nd of the day.Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank
memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Rea
lly. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) No
thing.[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoeb
e runs in, excitedly.]Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler''s coming and
he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here
, we could all act like, you know...(Chandler comes in.)Chandler:
Hey!All: Hey!Phoebe: Never mind. But it was going to be really g
ood.Ross: What''s going on?All: What is it?Chandler: So, it''s a ty
pical day at work. I''m inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me
into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing super
visor.All: That''s great!Chandler: So.... I quit.All: Why?Chandler
: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!Monica: Yeah, Chandler.
.. you''ve been there for five years.Chandler: If I took this prom
otion, it''d be like admitting that this is what I actually do.Pho
ebe: So was it a lot more money?Chandler: It doesn''t matter. I ju
st don''t want to be one of those guys that''s in his office until
twelve o''clock at night worrying about the WENUS.(Everyone looks
at him, confused.)Rachel: ... the WENUS?Chandler: Weekly Estimate
d Net Usage Systems. A processing term.Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh. Th
at WENUS.Joey: So what''re you going to do?Chandler: I don''t know.
That''s the thing. I don''t know what I want to do. I just know I''
m not going to figure it out working there.Phoebe: Oooh! I have s
omething you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? (pa
use) Anyway, he''s opening up a restaurant and he''s looking for a
head chef.Monica: (taps Phoebe on her shoulder) Um... hi there.Ph
oebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no,
I know. You''re a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um
, Chandler''s the one who needs a job right now, so....Chandler: Y
eah... I just don''t have that much cheffing experience. Unless it
''s an all-toast restaurant.Phoebe: (to Monica''s tapping) Yeah, ye
ah! Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking for?Phoebe: Wel
l, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he''s looking for someone who
can, you know, create the entire menu.Monica: (excited) Oh my Go
d!Phoebe: Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do you think
?Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don''t really see myself in
a big white hat.Phoebe: OK. (pause) Oh Monica! Guess what![Scene:
Monica and Rachel''s, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]Chandler
: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?Rachel: No. But don''t
worry, I''m sure they''re still there.Phoebe: Where are you going,
Mr. Suity-Man?Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. R
obert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the "a-go
go."Rachel: Career counselor?Chandler: Hey, you guys all know wha
t you want to do.Rachel: I don''t!Chandler: Hey, you guys in the l
iving room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals
. You have dreams. I don''t have a dream.Ross: Ah, the lesser-know
n "I don''t have a dream" speech.(Monica enters, excited.)Monica:
Oh, I love my life, I love my life!Phoebe: Ooh! Brian''s Song!Rach
el: The meeting with the guy went great?Monica: So great! He show
ed me where the restaurant''s going to be. It''s this, it''s this cu
te little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just
right.Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some
bears?Monica: So anyway, I''m cooking dinner for him Monday night.
You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants
you to be here, which will be great for me because then you can ''
ooh'' and ''ahh'' and make yummy noises.Rachel: What are you going t
o make?Phoebe: (as though Rachel wasn''t paying attention) Yummy n
oises.Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going to make?Moni
ca: I don''t know. I don''t know. It''s just going to be so great!Ph
oebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica
and Rachel in the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make
that thing... you know, with the stuff? (Monica doesn''t know.) Y
ou know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don''t know. (sits
down)Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the
neighborhood?Joey: How about Tony''s? If you can finish a 32-ounce
steak, it''s free.Ross: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good p
lace if you''re not dating a puma?Chandler: Who are you going out
with?Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady?Rachel: (trying to sound li
ke a bug) Bzzzz.... I love you, Ross.Ross: Her name is Celia. She
''s not a bug lady. She''s curator of insects at the museum.Rachel:
So what are you guys going to do?Ross: Oh, I just thought we cou
ld go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place an
d I''d introduce her to my monkey.Chandler: And he''s not speaking
metaphorically.Joey: (aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...
you thinking, maybe... (gestures with hands, back and forth) huh-
huh?Ross: Well, I don''t know.... (gestures) huh-huh.... but I''m h
oping (gestures) huh-huh.Joey: I''m telling you, that monkey is a
chick magnet! She''s going to take one look at his furry, cute lit
tle face and it''ll seal the deal.[Scene: Ross''s apartment, Marcel
is hanging from Celia''s hair, and she is screaming, trying to ge
t him off.]Ross: Celia, don''t worry!? Don''t scream!? He''s not goi
ng to hurt you! Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Marcel...C
elia: I can''t stand this! He''s got his claws in my...Ross: Alrigh
t... (lifts Marcel away)[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, everyone is
there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having ev
eryone try it.]Monica: (to Joey) OK, try this salmon mousse.Joey:
(tasting) Mmmm. Good.Monica: Is it better than the other salmon
mousse?Joey: It''s creamier.Monica: Yeah, well, is that better?Joe
y: I don''t know. We''re talking about whipped fish, Monica. I''m ju
st happy I''m keeping it down, y''know?(Chandler kicks the door clo
sed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)Rachel: My Go
d! What happened to you?Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptit
ude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I
learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally sui
ted for a career in data processing for a large multinational cor
poration."Phoebe: That''s so great! ''Cause you already know how to
do that!Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don''t I seem like
somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I j
ust always pictured myself doing something...something.Rachel: (c
omes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know...
oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!Monica: (br
ings a plate of tiny appetizers over) Here you go, maybe this''ll
cheer you up.Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five ho
urs ago, so I''d better split this with you.Monica: It''s supposed
to be that small. It''s a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amo
uz-bouche. Chandler: (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...(Phon
e rings. Monica answers it.)Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) O
h, hi Wendy! (Listens) Yeah, eight o''clock. (Listens) What did we
say? Ten dollars an hour?... (Listens) OK, great. (Listens) All
right, I''ll see you then. Bye. (hangs up)Phoebe: Ten dollars an h
our for what?Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if
she''d help me out.Rachel: (hurt) Waitressing?Joey: Uh-oh.Monica:
Well... of course I thought of you! But... but...Rachel: But, bu
t?Monica: But, you see, it''s just... this night has to go just pe
rfect, you know? And, well, Wendy''s more of a... professional wai
tress.Rachel: Oh! I see. And I''ve sort of been maintaining my ama
teur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.Chandler: You
know, I don''t mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in ''
76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)[Scene: Ross'' ap
artment, Girl, You''ll Be A Woman Soon (the original, not that cru
ddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing
passionately.]Celia: Talk to me.Ross: OK.... um, a weird thing h
appened to me on the train this morning...Celia: No no no. Talk..
. dirty.Ross: (embarrassed) Wha... what, here?Celia: Yes...Ross:
Ah....Celia: Say something..... hot.Ross: (panicked) Er.... um...
.. Celia: What?Ross: Um... uh.... vulva.Commercial Break[Scene: C
handler and Joey''s, Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happ
ened last night.]Joey: (in disbelief) Vulva?Ross: Alright, I pani
cked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn''t a
total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling.Joey: (sarcastic) Whoaa
!! You cuddled? How many times??Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I jus
t... I don''t think I''m the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?Jo
ey: What''s the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her.
Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other peopl
e might be doing to each other. I''ll tell you what. Just try some
thing on me.Ross: (deadpan) Please be kidding.Joey: Why not? Come
on! Just, just close your eyes and tell me what you''d like to be
doing right now.Ross: OK. (closes eyes) I''m in my apartment...Jo
ey: ....yeah... what else?Ross: That''s it. I''m in my apartment, y
ou''re not there, we''re not having this conversation. (gets up, wa
lks across room)Joey: (walks to catch up to him) Alright, look, I
''ll start, OK?Ross: Joey, please.Joey: Come on. Come on. Alright,
ready, look! (in a low voice) Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot.
I want your lips on me now.Ross: (impressed) Wow.Joey: Alright, n
ow you say something.Ross: I... ahem... I really don''t think so.J
oey: Come on! You like this woman, right?Ross: Yeah.Joey: You wan
t to see her again, right?Ross: Sure.Joey: Well if you can''t talk
dirty to me, how''re you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me
you want to caress my butt!Ross: OK, turn around. (Joey looks tak
en aback) I just don''t want you staring at me when I''m doing this
.Joey: (turning around) Alright, alright. I''m around. Go ahead.Ro
ss: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft sk
in with my lips.Joey: There you go! Keep going. Keep going!Ross:
I, er...(At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from
his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they
don''t notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watc
hing.)Ross: I want to take my tongue... and... (Chandler is compl
etely astounded.)Ross: ....and....Joey: Say it... say it!Ross: ..
.run it all over your body until you''re... trembling with... with
...(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear h
im. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop,
and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them
.)Chandler: (smiling)....with??Ross: (rushing to explain) Funny s
tory!Joey: You''re not going to believe this!Chandler: It''s OK. It
''s OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.Joey
: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old jo
b called again.Chandler: Again?Joey: And again, and again, and ag
ain... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (hands phone to Chandler)
And again.Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How''s life on t
he fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yea
h, it''s a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, y
ou know? (Listens) Well, that''s very generous (Listens) er, but l
ook, this isn''t about the money. I need something that''s more tha
n a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) A
nd that''s on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earl
ier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I''m not playing hardball here, OK?
This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No
! No, stop saying numbers! I''m telling you, you''ve got the wrong
guy! You''ve got the wrong guy! (Listens) I''ll see you on Monday!
(slams the phone down)[Scene: Chandler''s new window office, he is
showing Phoebe around.]Chandler: Well?Phoebe: (excited) Wow! It''
s huge! It''s so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube.
Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New Yo
rk City)Phoebe: Oh! You have a window!Chandler: Yes indeedy! (the
y look outside) With a beautiful view of...Phoebe: Oh look! That
guy''s peeing!Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that''s enough
of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.Ph
oebe: (sitting) OK.Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button
on his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a moment? (An
unamused woman walks into the office.)Chandler: Thank you Helen,
that''ll be all.(She leaves, obviously perturbed.)Chandler: Last t
ime I do that, I promise.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica is o
n the phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the conversation.]Moni
ca: (shouting on phone) Wendy, we had a deal! (Listens) Yeah, you
promised! Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! (hangs up)Rachel: Who was that?Mo
nica: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress.Rachel: Oh... that''s too b
ad. Bye bye. (she walks away towards the door)Monica: Ten dollars
an hour.Rachel: No.Monica: Twelve dollars an hour.Rachel: Mon. I
wish I could, but I''ve made plans to walk around.Monica: You kno
w, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you.
I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you...
(Rachel isn''t buying it, desperate) twenty dollars an hour.Rache
l: Done.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, later. Rachel is waitressing
, Monica is cooking. Phoebe walks in with Steve (Crystal Duck win
ner Jon Lovitz).]Rachel: Well hello! Welcome to Monica''s. May I t
ake your coat?Monica: Hi Steve!Steve: Hello, Monica. (to Rachel)
Hello, greeter girl.Monica: (to Steve) This is Rachel.Steve: (unc
oncerned) Yeah, OK.Phoebe: (overemphasizing) Mmmmmm! Everything s
mells so delicious! You know, I can''t remember a time I smelt suc
h a delicious combination of (Monica signals her to stop) of, OK,
smells.Steve: It''s a lovely apartment.Monica: Oh, thank you. Wou
ld you like a tour?Steve: I was just being polite, but, alright.
(They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow them but Phoebe
stops her and drags her into the kitchen.)Rachel: What''s up?Phoe
be: (whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doo
bie.Rachel: What?Phoebe: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? We
ed? Hemp? Ganja?Rachel: OK, OK. I''m with you, Cheech. OK.Steve: (
from the living room) Is it dry in here? (licks his lips)Rachel:
Let me, let me get you some wine!Monica: Yeah, I think we''re read
y for our first course. (Steve sits, Monica brings over a tray) O
K, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro pondou sauce...
(Steve starts to eat them one by one, quickly)... with just a to
uch of mints... and... (he finishes)... ginger.Steve: Well, smack
my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic!Monica: I''m so glad
you liked them!Steve: Like ''em? I could eat a hundred of them!Mo
nica: Oh, well... um, that''s all there are of these. But in about
eight and a half minutes, we''ll be serving some delicious onion
tartlets.Steve: Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost a
ll meaning. (he gets up and goes into the kitchen)Rachel: Excuse
me? Can I help you with anything?Steve: You know, I don''t know wh
at I''m looking for. (Rachel tries to get Monica''s attention to te
ll her Steve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Moni
ca thinks she''s giving her the ''OK'' signal. Then Rachel does it a
gain, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though sh
e doesn''t believe it.)Steve: (from kitchen) Ah, cool! Taco shells
! (Rachel motions, "You see!") You know, these are... they''re lik
e a little corn envelope.Monica: (joining him and taking the taco
shells) You know that? You don''t want to spoil your appetite.Ste
ve: (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O''s! (grabs the cereal box)M
onica: You know, if you just wait another... six and a half minut
es...Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!Monica: No, w
e don''t. (reaches for box) Steve: Oh, OK. (he drops the box on th
e floor) Oh, sorry. (When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a
package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet.) Monica: Why don''t you
just have a seat here? (he sits at the table, then tries to secre
tly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him.) OK... give me the Gum
mi-bears.Steve: (childishly) No.Monica: Give them to me.Steve: Al
right, we''ll share.Monica: No, give me the...Steve: Well then you
can''t have any. (she grabs for the package, and it breaks open.
Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table
.) Bear overboard! I think he''s drowning. (he throws some Sugar-O
''s into the punch bowl) Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O... save yo
urself! (Mimicking the bears) "Help!? I''m drowning! ? Help!"Monic
a: (furious) That''s it! Dinner is over!Steve: What?Monica: What?S
teve: Why?Monica: Why? It''s just that I''ve waited seven years for
an opportunity like this, and you can''t even wait four and a hal
f minutes for a stupid onion tartlet?(The oven goes off.)Steve: (
excited) Hey![Scene: Central Perk, all are there except Chandler.
]Joey: What a tool!Rachel: You don''t want to work for a guy like
that.Ross: Yeah!Monica: I know... it''s just... I thought this was
, you know... it.Ross: Look, you''ll get there. You''re an amazing
chef.Phoebe: Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn''t faki
ng.(Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey follows hi
m.)Joey: (to Ross) So, er... how did it go with Celia?Ross: Oh, I
was unbelievable.Joey: All right, Ross!Ross: I was the James Mic
hener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have eve
r heard. I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a mot
if... at one point there were villagers.Joey: Whoa! And the... (g
estures with hands) huh-huh?Ross: Well, ahem... you know, by the
time we''d finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late...
and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh...Joey: You cuddled.Ros
s: Yeah, which was nice.Phoebe: You guys wanna try and catch a la
te movie or something?Rachel: Maybe, but shouldn''t we wait for Ch
andler?Joey: Yeah, where the hell is he?[Scene: Chandler''s office
, he''s on the phone, agitated.]Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I
know what time it is, but I''m looking at the WENUS and I''m not ha
ppy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell y
ou something... you will care about it, because I care about it!
You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and realizes
what just happened) Whooooaaaa....Closing Credits[Scene: Phoebe''
s massage parlour, she has Steve on the table, and is giving him
an extra-painful massage.]Phoebe: How''s this? (presses down hard)
Steve: Eeeee!Phoebe: Sorry. How about over here? (presses down ha
rd again)Steve: Aaaaah!Phoebe: See, that just means it''s working.
Does this hurt? (presses down elsewhere)Steve: No.Phoebe: What a
bout this? (she starts using her elbows on his back, he yells in
pain)Steve: Aaaaahhh!!Phoebe: There you go! (She continues to wor
k him over with her elbows and he continues to yell in pain.)End1
15 大麻客咖啡 谢谢卡布其诺摩妮卡的热苹果酒谢谢瑞秋为何我的肉桂棒上有橡皮擦?这就是原因，对不起钱德泰小姐，你今天真漂亮我能说这
件衣服真好看吗?当然制片：陶德史帝芬科先生希望你在下班后能到他办公室去如果他是为搞笑备忘录不是我干的，真的…导演：亚伦梅尔森各位，
钱德说他有天大好的消息所以他来的时候我们就…算了但一定是好消息到底怎么了…今天和平常没什么两样我在输人数字时艾尔叫我到他办公室说他
要我当电脑处理的主管真是太好了 恭喜...所以我就辞职不干了为什么?为什么?因为这只是暂时的工作钱德，你已在公司五年了我知道，但接
受升职不就承认这就是我的目的这那不是能赚更多钱?我不在乎我不想成为坐在办公室到午夜担心”WEENUS”的人WEENUS?”我们估计
净值使用系统”这是电脑处理的术语那个啊你有何打算?我也不知道该怎么办我只知道我不会再待在那儿工作了我有一份你可以做的工作我的新按摩
客户史蒂芬他开了一家餐厅他正在寻找总厨师你好...我知道你是个厨师而且我先想到你但钱德目前没有工作所以...我没有太多厨师的经验除
非那是一家只卖土司的餐厅他想要什么菜色?他想要菜色丰富多变因此他在找一个能创造出整个菜单的人天啊对，我知道意下如何？谢了我大概没资
格戴白色大帽吧好吧摩妮卡，你猜怎么着?你能透过衬衫看见我的乳头吗?看不见，但别担心，它们还在你要上哪儿去西装笔挺先生?我和求职顾问
阿哥哥罗伯提曼博士有约阿哥哥是我加的求职顾问?你们都已找到人生的方向还没在客厅里的各位全都知道未来该怎么走你们有目标有梦想但我却没
有梦想少见的”我没有梦想”演说我爱我的人生…布莱恩的歌见面的结果如何?相当顺利他告诉我未来餐厅的位置就在第十街不太大也不太小，大小
适中前任老板是金发女人和几只熊吗?总之周一我们要煮一餐让他品尝有点像是面试菲此，他也要你在场这样对我有利因为你可以发出好吃的赞叹声
你做什么?发出好吃的声音摩妮卡，你要做什么菜?我也不知道但一定会很棒的我知道你可以做什么了你可以做…我也不知道各位，谁知道附近有约
会的绝佳地点?东尼餐厅如何?吃下32盎斯的牛排就免费谁知道和美洲豹约会哪儿是好地点?你要和谁约会?是昆虫女?我爱你，罗斯她叫希莉亚
，不是昆虫女她是昆虫博物馆的主任你们打算如何共渡?出去吃晚餐后带她回我的住处介绍我的猴子给她认识他没用暗示回你的住处?你想我不知道
…我希望…告诉你，那猴子是魅力十足她看见它那毛绒绒可爱的小脸然后一切就搞定希莉亚，别担心，别叫它不会伤害你的用安抚的语调抱歉…它不
会伤害你的来…要来一些吗?我受不了了它的爪子....乖..试试这鲑鱼慕斯好吃比其他的鲑鱼慕斯好吃?更滑更柔是吗?更好?我不知道我们
在谈一条搅成泡沫的鱼我能不吐出来就已经不错了天啊，你怎么了?8个半小时的性向测验智力测验，个性测验我了解什么?你适合在大型跨国公司
资料处理部门方面发展这太好了因为你已知道该如何做你们能相信吗?我不像是做那种酷工作的人吗?我总是想像自己能做点不同的钱德，我知道你
可以透过你的衬衫看自己的乳头来，这个或许能让你开心点5小时前我吃了一颗葡萄所以我最好该和你平分它本来就应该那么叫这是前开胃菜法国人
称它为”阿姆兹布许”这简直是太神奇了温蒂，对，八点我们不是说过吗?每小时十块很好，再见了什么每小时十块?我请餐厅里的女服务生帮忙服
务生?当然我考虑过你但...但是…但是什么?但是这一次绝对不能出错温蒂的经验丰富她是个职业的服务生我懂了我应该继续保持业余的姿态将
来才能在奥运会上当服务生我不想自吹自擂但我在76年的因斯布鲁克当过服务生阿姆兹布许对我说话早上我坐地铁时发生了一件诡异的事不…说狠
亵的话这里？对快，说点火辣的什么?什么?外阴外阴?我当时好害怕她吓了我一跳但并未完全...我们以爱抚收场爱抚?几次?闭嘴，那种感觉
好好我不是那种讲狠亵话的人有什么了不起你只要说出你想对她如何或是你想她对你如何或是别人想对彼此如何这样吧，对我说吧开什么玩笑有何不
可，快只要闭上眼睛告诉我现在你想干什么好吧…我在我的住处然后呢？就这样我在我的住处而你不在好吧，讲我来拜托准备好没?听着罗斯你让我
欲火焚身我要你舔我该你了我看还是算了吧快嘛，你喜欢她吧?喜欢想再见到她吗?当然如果你无法对我说出狠亵的话你如何对她说呢?说你想爱抚
我的屁股好吧，转过去我不想你盯着我看好吧，我不看，说吧我要...用我的双唇感觉你那光滑的皮肤这就对了，继绩我要用我的舌头…快说啊快
说舔遍你的全身直到你颤抖…然后呢？真好笑你不会相信的没关系，我一向赞成你们交往钱德你睡觉时老东家又打电话来又打来?一直打...又打
来了又是他科先生，15楼的情况如何?我也想念你对，偷家里的笔比较不刺激你真慷慨，但这不是钱的问题我需要的不只是一份工作我要的是我真
正想要的这是你稍早提过的年终红利之外的津贴?你的梦想…艾尔，我不故意为难你这不是交涉，这叫拒绝不，别再讲数字了告诉你，你看错人了星
期一见好大比小格间大多了这才像话看你有窗户没错，还有美丽的风…看，有人在小便风景看够了看这个坐下这个最酷，准备好没?好了海伦，能进
来一下吗?谢谢你，海伦，没事了最后一次了，我保证温蒂，你答应过我温蒂…谁啊温蒂丢下我不管我没服务生了真是太糟糕了再见一小时十元不干
小时十二元我希望可以但我已经计划好去走走瑞秋你逃婚之后我一直关心你我让你有地方住如果这样对你仍毫无意义…一小时二十元成交欢迎光临，
我能拿你的外套吗?史帝头摩妮卡，招待小姐她叫瑞秋味道好香我早已忘记这种…香味这房子真漂亮谢谢，想参观一下吗?我只是客套一下但,好吧
怎么了?他坐计程车来时燃了一根草什么?抽了一根大麻…好了，我懂我知道了这里很干燥吗?我来为你倒杯酒我们可以上第一道菜了这些是石虾小
方饺芫萎调味酱加上一点点…碎姜打我屁股叫我芙蒂真是太好吃了我真高兴你喜欢喜欢?我可以吃下上百个只有这一些但再过8分半钟我们就会献上
美味的洋葱馅饼馅饼...文字都已失去意义请问需要任何帮忙吗?我也不知道自己在找什么酷，墨西哥馅饼这个就像是玉米卷你不该影响食欲糖欧
再等6分钟半干酪通心面我们一定要做这个不，我们不做抱歉我们何不坐这儿小熊软糖给我不给我好吧，分你一半不小熊给我你不能抢走不，给我不
小熊落水了，他们快淹死了抓住糖欧逃命啊救命啊....我淹水了我受够了，晚餐结束什么？什么？为什么?为什么?这机会我已等了七年而你却
等不了四分半钟之后再吃洋葱馅饼真是个王八蛋你不会想为那种人工作的我知道我以为我的机会来了你会成功的你是个了不起的厨师记得那些赞美的
声音?我不是装的和希莉亚的状况如何?我简直是太神了干得好我就像是詹姆斯密奇尼一样满口狠亵的话天下最具巧思的狠亵话有人物，剧情，主题
其中一段的主角是村夫与村姑然后呢?狠亵话讲完后已经很晚了而且我们也已精疲力竭所以…你们爱抚？那种感觉好好你们想看晚场电影吗？好或许
吧，但我们不是该等钱德？他到底跑哪儿去了?对，法兰，我知道现在几点但我看着WENUS而且我相当不高兴真的?告诉你吧你会在乎的，因为
我在乎懂吗?很好这样如何?不好意思,这边那?明白拉,这就说明有效果了.痛不痛?不痛.这样呢?Aaaaahhh!!爽啦!爽呆了!!1
16 The One With Two Parts, part 1[Scene: Rift’s Restaurant, as se
en in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]Chandler: This
is unbelievable. It’s been like a half an hour. If this was a car
toon, you’d be looking like a ham right about now.(Ursula Buffay,
Phoebe’s identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inim
itable manner.)Joey: There’s the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello
, Miss?(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell
where the sound is coming from.)Chandler: It’s Phoebe! Hi!(Ursul
a notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)Ursula: Hi. Okay,
will that be all?Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing her
e?Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me,
hello Miss," so now I’m here.Joey: No, no... how come you are wor
king here?Ursula: Right, yeah, ’cause its close to where I live,
and the aprons are really cute.Chandler: Can we start over?Ursula
: Yeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)Ch
andler & Joey: No, no, no!Opening Credits[Scene: A wintry Februar
y day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Insid
e Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]Ross: I
don’t know whether he’s testing me, or just acting out, but my m
onkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my
machine, "supposedly" by accident.Rachel: No, yeah, I’ve done th
at.Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspap
er before I did, and peed all over the crossword.Rachel: I’ve nev
er done that.(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to
peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look under
neath the shop’s sign—a large steaming cup of coffee.)Chandler: A
ll right, now look at her and tell me she doesn’t look exactly li
ke her sister.Joey: I’m sayin’ I see a difference.Chandler: They’
re twins!Joey: I don’t care. Phoebe’s Phoebe. Ursula’s... hot!(Jo
ey and Chandler come indoors.)Chandler: You know that thing, when
you and I talk to each other about things?Joey: Yeah.Chandler: L
et’s not do that any more.(They hang up their coats and scarves,
then approach their friends on the main sofa.)All: Hey guys! Hey!
Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! O
kay... um, Liam Neeson.Joey: Nope.Phoebe: Morly Safer.Joey: Nope.
Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!Monica: Okay, look, this could
be a really long game.Chandler: Your sister Ursula.Phoebe: (Her
face dropping) Oh, really.Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at
that place, uh...Phoebe: Rift’s. Yeah, I know.Chandler: Oh, you
do? Because she said you guys haven’t talked in like years.Phoebe
: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?Joey: Not from where I was stand
in’.Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing?Rachel:
Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don’t get along?Phoebe: It’s mostl
y just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always
thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was th
e first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that
same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, w
ell what else is new?"Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go
. I’ve got Lamaze class.Chandler: Oh, and I’ve got Earth Science,
but I''ll catch you in Gym.Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you
and Carol?Ross: No, Susan’s gonna be there too. We’ve got dads, w
e’ve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.Rachel: Well, isn’t,
isn’t that gonna be weird?Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on
a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I
, I think I’m pretty comfortable with the whole situation.Monica:
Ross, that’s my jacket.Ross: I know.(Rachel grins as Ross remove
s the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)[Scene: The L
amaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, intro
ducing themselves to the teacher, who’s got as far as a woman sit
ting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]Woman: Hi, we’re the Rostins
. Err, I’m J.C., and he’s Michael, and we’re having a boy, and a
girl.Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next?Ross: Hi, um, I’m err,
(has to clear his throat) I’m Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats C
arol’s bulge) ..that’s, that’s my boy in there, and uh, (points)
this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Ca
rol’s, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fe
llow, who becomes incoherent until) ..who’s next?Teacher: I’m sor
ry, I didn’t get... Susan is?Ross: Susan is Carol’s, Carol’s, Car
ol’s, friend...Carol: Life partner.Ross: Like buddies.Susan: Like
lovers.Ross: You know how close women can get.(The teacher smile
s, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affecti
onately.)Carol: Susan and I live together.Ross: Although I was ma
rried to her.Susan: Carol, not me.Ross: Err, right.Carol: It’s a
little complicated.Ross: A little.Susan: But we’re fine.Ross: Abs
olutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah!
That’s like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.[Scene : Chan
dler''s Office, Chandler is working.](Helen’s buzzer is heard on t
he intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)Chandler: And (
he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.Helen: (Over the interc
om) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.Chandler: Oh, okay. Send h
er in.(He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, befor
e taking a sporting trophy from a drawer to place ostentatiously
on his desk. An attractive young woman opens the door.)Nina: Hi.C
handler: Hi, Nina. Come on in.Nina: You wanted to see me?Chandler
: Uh, Yes. Yes. I’ve just been going over your data here, and lit
tle thing, you’ve been post-dating your Friday numbers.Nina: Whic
h is bad, because?Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack
.Nina: Your... excuse me?Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimat
ed Net...Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. W
on’t happen again. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt your...
"wenus."(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her d
rift, but for once he’s lost for something to say – so she
nods her head to tell him that he’s thinking correctly...)[Scene:
Monica and Rachel''s, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing
some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing
on the TV.]Chandler: It’s not just that she’s cute, okay. It’s ju
st that... she’s really really cute.Ross: It doesn’t matter. You
don’t dip your pen in the company ink.(Marcel scampers about, int
erfering with the neatness.)Monica: Ross, your little creature’s
got the remote again.Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote
. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce..
. you give Rossie the remote...(Marcel points the remote at Monic
a’s television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The lo
go SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed
into Spanish.)Monica: Great.Ross: Relax, I’ll fix it.Rachel: (Lo
oking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."Ro
ss: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?Chandler: (Looking
out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the Christm
as lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?(Ra
chel slowly spins around, finally noticing that the lights have o
utstayed their welcome.)Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was suppo
sed to take them down around New Year’s... but obviously someone
forgot.Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take do
wn the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noti
cing Monica’s note stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that b
een there?(Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.)C
handler: Hey, where you been?Joey: I went back to Riff’s. I think
Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna
melt and four plates of curly fries.Chandler: Score.Joey: She is
so hot!Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey
-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who
is helping Ross understand the remote control.)Joey: Pheebs?Phoe
be: (Jumping up) Yeah?Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked
out your sister?Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that?? Wh
y?Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she’d be there.Phoebe:
Well, I mean, I’m not my sister’s, you know, whatever, and um...
I mean, it’s true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we’v
e grown apart, so, um... I don’t know, why not? Okay.Joey: Cool,
thanks.(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to
worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poo
r Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)Ross: You okay?Phoeb
e: Yeah I’m fine.Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?(The sit
com begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rach
el and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe
has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)[Scene: Lamaze class. S
usan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finishe
d learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on
the Rostins’ pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, i
n protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll bac
k to J.C.]Ross: Sorry.Ross: Hi. Sorry I’m late. Where’s, where’s
Carol?Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can
go. I’ll get the information.Ross: No... No... No. I think I shou
ld stay, I think we should both know what’s going on.Susan: Oh, g
ood. This’ll be fun.Teacher: Alrighty. We’re gonna start with som
e basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don’t yo
u get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mumm
y’s head.(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?Susan: I am supposed to be the m
ommy?Ross: Okay, I’m gonna play my sperm card one more time.Susan
: Look, I don’t see why I should have to miss out on the coaching
training just because I’m a woman.Ross: I see. So what do you pr
opose to do?Susan: I will flip you for it.Ross: Flip me for it? N
o, no, no... heads, heads, heads!Susan: (Triumphantly) On your ba
ck... Mom.(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in
Susan’s lap like all the other fathers.)Teacher: Alright, Mommies
, take a nice deep cleansing breath.(Forgetting herself, Susan do
es the "Mommy" action with Ross.)Teacher: Good. Now imagine your
vagina is opening like a flower.(Ross comes out of character to g
lare into the distance.)[Scene: Chandler''s Office. Chandler is pl
aying with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and opens the doo
r.]Chandler: Mr. D, how’s it going, sir?Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it’s be
en better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.Chandler: And?M
r. Douglas: It’s pretty ugly. We haven’t seen an ANUS this bad si
nce the seventies.Chandler: So what does this mean?Mr. Douglas: W
ell, we’re gonna be layin’ off people in every department.Chandle
r: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funn
y, and my hair was very very –Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax.
Ever have to fire anyone?[Scene: Chandler''s Office, later that da
y, Nina is in his office.]Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around h
is desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In pain) Nina.(She sympa
thetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh of his left leg.
)Nina: Are you okay?Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes
I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today wa
s, err... please don’t hate me.Nina: (Taking her hand away) What?
Chandler: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have dinner sometim
e?(Nina gasps in surprise and relief.)[Scene: Central Perk, Rache
l is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.]Rachel: So Pheebs,
what do you want for your birthday?Phoebe: Well, what I really w
ant is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.Rachel: Okay..
. Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?Phoeb
e: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.Rachel: Ooh, okay... good.(Jamie
Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about
them as Jamie removes her coat and scarf.)Jamie: What is this pl
ace?Fran: Look, you’re cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating th
e sign) ..there’s a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it
be?(Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.)Jamie: I think
we have an answer.Fran: What’s she doing here?Jamie: This could b
e God’s way of telling us to eat at home.Fran: Think she got fire
d at Riff’s?Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept
... (shuddering at the memory) ..bringing swordfish. (Indicating
the ladies’ bathroom) are you gonna go to the, um?Fran: I’m gonna
wait till after we order. It’s her, right.Jamie: It looks like h
er.(Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.)Jamie: Um, excus
e me.Phoebe: Yeah?Jamie: Hi, it’s us.Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Ri
ght, and it’s me.Jamie: So, so you’re here too?Phoebe: Much as yo
u are.Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn.Fran: Err... we
know what we want.Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, that’s good.Jamie
: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.Fran: And some biscotti cookies
.Phoebe: Good choice.(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird wom
en won’t see the face she pulls, and sits down.)Jamie: Definitely
her.Fran: Yeah.Commercial break[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoe
be is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby tabl
e sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandle
r supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his ha
nds.](Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by turning off t
he television.)Monica: I can’t believe you. You still haven’t tol
d that girl she doesn’t have a job yet?Chandler: Well, you still
haven’t taken down the Christmas lights.Monica: Congratulations,
I think you’ve found the world’s thinnest argument.Chandler: I’m
just trying to find the right moment, you know?Rachel: Oh, well,
that shouldn’t be so hard, now that you’re dating. (Imitating men
at their worst) "Sweetheart, you’re fired, but how ’bout a quick
ie before I go to work?"(Joey lets himself in, carrying a large p
aper shopping bag.)Joey: Hey.Rachel and Chandler: Hey.(There is a
loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)C
handler: You know, once you’re inside, you don’t have to knock an
y more.Monica: I’ll get it.(She rises, dragging Chandler along by
the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them. Monica
opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)Monica: Oh. H
i, Mr.Heckles.Mr.Heckles: You’re doing it again.Monica: We’re not
doing anything. We’re just sitting around talking, quietly.Mr.He
ckles: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can’t sleep.Ra
chel: You don’t even have cats.Mr.Heckles: I could have cats.Moni
ca: (Closing the door) Goodbye Mr.Heckles.Rachel: We’ll try to ke
ep it down.(The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has
to rush ahead to avoid becoming tangled. Joey brings the shopping
bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice cardigan.)Joey: Phoebe,
could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna ma
ke sure it fits.Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (deligh
tedly examining the cardigan in her lap) ..oh, this is really...J
oey: Oh, no no no. It’s for Ursula. I just figured, you know, siz
e-wise.Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping the ca
rdigan back into the bag) ..okay, it fits.(The others have been t
aking all this in.)Rachel: Are you seein’ her again tonight?Joey:
Yep. Ice Capades.Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I’ve never know
n you to pay money for any kind of capade.Joey: I don’t know. I l
ike her, you know. She’s different. There’s uh, somethin’ about h
er.Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the hea
ds of the knitting circle) we get it. You like her. Great!(The ci
rcle freezes in apprehension.)Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and
you said it was okay.Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it’s not o
kay.Joey: Okay... Well maybe now I’m not okay with it not being o
kay.Phoebe: Okay.(An embarrassed silence... finally broken by)Cha
ndler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!(Monica frantically bursts in
to action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling Chandler’s wool.)[S
cene: Chandler''s Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passiona
te embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare o
ut of the window. Chandler’s boss opens the door.]Chandler: And t
hat’s the Chrysler Building right there.Mr. Douglas: Nina.Nina: M
r.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool tie.(She escapes, fort
unately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandler’s exp
ression of alarm & guilt.)Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then p
ointing vaguely at Nina’s shapely departure) She’s still here.Cha
ndler: Yes, yes she is. Didn’t I memo you on this? See, after I l
et her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-ne
n, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan. (Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately
tries to remember anything to do with schizophrenia....) Chandler
: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly
, in fact, he uh, mentioned the word frenzy.Mr. Douglas: You’re k
idding? She seems so...Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fair
ies twinkling around his head) ..she is whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo
! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollec
tion of being fired at all, none at all.Mr. Douglas: That’s unbel
ievable.Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire h
er again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to her
self, or others.Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know
what’s goin’ on inside a person’s head.Chandler: Well, I guess t
hat’s why they call it psychology, sir.(Mr. Douglas screws up his
eyes, trying to credit what Bing has just said, but turning to f
ollow Nina down the corridor, he realises Bing must be telling th
e truth, since he would not have any personal interest in the gir
l, would he?)[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cr
adled in Susan’s lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and sh
e has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her clas
s a video, which is about to end.]Soothing male voice: ..a sound
Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of b
irth.Teacher: Lights please? And that’s having a baby. Next week
is our final class.(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carol’s d
oll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his
other hand.)Ross: Susan, go deep.(Susan just glares back, as Ross
’s inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to
burst...)Carol: This is impossible. It’s just impossible.Susan:
What is, honey?Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin’ that
. It’s just gonna have to stay in, that’s all, everything will be
the same, it’ll just stay in.Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, eve
rything’s gonna be alright.Carol: (Turning on Ross) OH, WHAT DO Y
OU KNOW? NO-ONE’S GOING UP TO YOU AND SAYING, "HI, IS THAT YOUR N
OSTRIL? MIND IF WE PUSH THIS POT ROAST THROUGH IT?"Susan: Carol,
Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.(Both women gulp in air. Ross lo
oks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back int
o place, until it resembles what it represents.)Susan: I know it’
s frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day,
and when it’s over, we’re all gonna be parents for the rest of ou
r lives.(Ross is staring blankly into space.)Susan: I mean, that’
s what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?[Scene 13: Central Pe
rk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, wh
o in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]
Ross: I’m gonna be a father.Rachel: This is just occurring to you
?Ross: I always knew I was havin’ a baby, I just never realised t
he baby was having me.Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, you’re g
onna be great!Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can’t even get Ma
rcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?Chan
dler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that m
onkeys and babies are actually different.(Joey tires of this, so
he gets up to leave.)Phoebe: Where’re you going?Joey: Out.Phoebe:
With?Joey: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes.Phoebe: Alright, could
I just ask you one question?(Joey nods his head.)Phoebe: Have you
two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?Joey: Well,
not that it’s any of your business, but, no, we haven’t, okay?(J
oey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.)Joey: Y
ou meant sex, right?(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of th
e gang pretend they’re not there.)[Scene: Chandler''s Office, Chan
dler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.]Nina: Do you
have a sec?Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What’s up?Nina: I don’t kno
w. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giv
ing me these really strange looks.Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe
that’s because they’re ah... jealous, of us.Nina: Maybe. But tha
t doesn’t explain why they keep taking my scissors.Chandler: Ah,
well, maybe that’s, ah, because you’re getting a big raise.Nina:
I am?Chandler: Sure, why not?Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to gi
ve him a big hug) You’re amazing!Chandler: Oh, you don’t know. (P
resses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the p
aperwork on Miss Bookbinder’s raise?Helen: (Over the intercom) So
you still want me to send her psychological profile to Personnel
?Nina: What?Chandler: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry
me?(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzi
cal look.)[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, an
d Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully re
ads the instruction manual for her television set.]Chandler: Well
, I ended up telling her everything.Rachel: Oh, how’d she take it
?Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds u
p a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if you’re ever in a similar situa
tion, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her rev
enge) ..on the desk.Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this.(M
onica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combinat
ion from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish s
till comes forth.)Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can
we just make it... make them go away? Because I can’t, I can’t wa
tch.Monica: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, t
hey’re gone.Phoebe: Okay.Monica: Are you alright?Phoebe: Yeah. It
’s just, you know, it’s this whole stupid Ursula thing, it’s...Ra
chel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he’s going out with her. I mea
n, is it really so terrible?Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I’m n
ot saying she’s like evil or anything. She just, you know, she’s
always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn’t let he
r have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And
then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have y
ou ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?Monica and
Rachel: (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No.Phoebe: Well, but tha
t’s what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away,
and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn’t even talk to
me any more. Because he said he didn’t wanna be around... anythi
ng that looked like either one of us.Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs.Pho
ebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or a
nything, but...Chandler: You’re not gonna lose him.Monica: Hon, y
ou gotta talk to Joey.Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.Ross: No, come on, he do
esn’t know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.Phoebe: But he’s f
alling in love with her.Rachel: Oh please, they’ve been going out
a week. They haven’t even slept together yet, I mean, that’s not
serious.Phoebe: Okay... Okay.(Monica and Ross indicate that they
mean right now.)Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.(Phoebe gets up and walks a
cross the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joey’s apartment
is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but in
stead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey’s shi
rts.)Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ur
sula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the
place.)Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?Closing Credits[Scene: M
onica and Rachel''s Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas l
ights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window
.]Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? It’s freezing out here. Wou
ld you come back inside?Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to
take them down, so... (she climbs onto the railing to reach the t
op of a pole) ..I’m takin’ ’em down. Okay? Whoa! (Screams.)(Rache
l slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..)Monica: Oh-
my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel!(In the
apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his news
paper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ank
le wrapped up in the Christmas lights.)Rachel: (To Monica) I’m ok
ay! I’m okay! (She knocks on Mr. Heckles''s window.) Mr. Heckles,
Mr. Heckles could you help me please?Mr.Heckles: See, this is jus
t the kind of thing I was talking about.End116 双胞胎两部曲（一）真是令人难以置信已
过了半个小时如果这是卡通你应该看起来像火腿一样女侍在那儿抱歉，小姐…等等是菲比!嗨好的。就这样了？等等，你来这儿干什么?我在那儿你
叫我来所以我就来了不，你怎么会在这儿工作?因为这儿离我的住处很近而且围裙也很漂亮可以重来吗?没问题。那我现在到那边去。不不不……我
不知道它在考验我还是在发泄情绪我的猴子已失去控制它不断消除我答录机上的留言应该是个意外我做过这种事它连续三天在我看报纸前在猜字游戏
上尿尿这我没做过看着她告诉我她和她姐长得不一样我看到不同之处她们是双胞胎我不管，菲比是菲比乌苏拉很火辣我们不是常谈论事情吗?当然咱
们别再干那事了嗨~菲比，猜我们今天遇见谁?哦！有趣有趣！嗯……连恩尼逊不是Morly Safer不是剪我头发的女人你们到底要猜多久
?你姐姐，乌苏拉哦，真的……她在那儿工作…瑞菲餐厅我知道你知道?因为她说你们已多年不说话对她胖吗?从我的角度看不会你从什么角度?菲
比，你们合不来?这只是姐妹之间的事大家都认为她是漂亮的一个她先学会走路虽然我是在当天稍后学会的对我爸妈而言那已经不新鲜了菲比，抱歉
，我得走了我得去参加心理助产班我得去参加地球科学班健身房见了你和卡萝两人去?不，苏珊也要去那有爸爸，女同志…全部的父母都会到这样不
是会很奇怪?不会的，一开始或许会但现在我已坦然面对罗斯，那是我的外套我知道大家好，我们姓罗，我是洁西他叫麦可我们有一男一女厉害，下
一位我叫罗斯我儿子在那儿她叫卡罗，这位是苏珊苏珊是卡罗的…下一位是谁?抱歉，我不太明白。苏珊是…苏珊是卡萝的朋友好象拍档，好象伙伴
好象恋人你知道女人能有多亲近的我和苏珊住在一起尽管我们两个结过婚卡萝，不是我有点复杂了有一点我们还好完全不错双胞胎？好像要生两次哦
噢彼此，海伦妮娜要见你好的，让她进来嗨！妮娜！进来你想见我?对，我刚看过你的资料有个小问题你一直填迟你周五数字的日期这样很不好因为
…这样使我的WENUS出现问题什么？WENUS每周估计净值使用统计……净值使用统计…对明白了！我懂，不会再发生了我不会做任何事伤害
你的…WENUS这不是她漂不漂亮的问题这是…她真的真的很漂亮都一样，兔子不吃窝边草罗斯, 你的小动物又在玩遥控器了马修，遥控器给罗
斯马修，你现在就把遥控器给罗斯马修，遥控器给罗斯这下可好别急，我会修好的酷！Urkel在西班牙文中叫"Urkel"！它是怎么办到的
?你让圣诞灯一直开着是想让我们“快乐”一整年计划中的一部分?不，某人应该在新年期间把它拿下但她显然是忘了某人应该写“瑞秋，拿下圣诞
灯”然后贴在冰…在这儿多久了?你上哪儿去了?我到瑞佛餐厅去了我想乌苏拉喜欢我 我只点咖啡她却端给我鲔鱼和四盘的薯片有门了她好带劲儿
好的，不过听着在你做一些乔伊风格的事情前，或许你可以找…菲比菲比，我约你姐出去你会介意吗?为什么?你为何要那样做?因为如果我去约会
时她就会在我身边我的意思是，我不是她呃……没错，我们曾待在同一颗卵子但我们各自发育我不知道…有何不可?谢啦你还好吧还好你还要继续看
?抱歉，我迟到了卡萝在哪儿?学校有事，老师和家长间的事你可以走了，我留下来上课不…我应该留下来我们两个都该知道这事情是怎么样的很好
，一定会很有意思的首先是第三阶段基本呼吸练习各位妈妈请躺下教练们支撑妈妈们的头什么?什么?什么?我该当妈?好吧，我再打一次精子牌我
不懂为什么只因我是个女人我就得错过教练训练了解，你说该怎么办?掷铜板掷铜板?不…头…躺下吧，妈各位妈妈们，请深呼吸很好，现在请想像
你的阴道像花一样绽放着迪先生，如何?好多了年度净值已经算出来了然后呢?奇惨无此70年代之后没这么惨过这代表什么?每个部门都得裁员听
着，虽然我上星期迟到我那天睡姿不良把头发睡塌……不是你，放松曾经开除某人吗?妮娜你没事吧当然我今天叫你进来的原因…请别恨我怎么了?
能约你共进晚餐吗?菲比，你想要什么生日礼物?我想要我妈复活和我共享人生好吧这样吧想不想要“艾芙琳”的产品?我想要浴盐好这是什么地方
?你很冷，我想尿尿，窗户上又有个咖啡杯你就将就一点吧我想我们有答案了她怎么会在这儿?老天爷明明就是叫我们回家吃饭嘛她被瑞佛餐厅开除
?不，昨晚我们还在那儿吃饭她不断端来剑鱼你要去…不，点完之后再去是她吧?看起来像她抱歉?是我们好呀,是我你也在这儿?和你们一样该你
了我们知道我们要什么很好我们要两杯拿铁还有小饼干不错的选择绝对是她我真不敢相信你还没告诉她她失业了?你还没把圣诞灯拿下来恭禧你你发
现了世上最薄弱的争论我只是在寻找适当的时机应该不会太难找到因为你们已开始约会亲爱的，你被开除了我上班前何不来个“速战速决”？嗨进门
后就不用再敲门了我来开Heckles先生你们又这么做了我们什么都没做我们只是坐在这儿静静地聊天我可以透过天花板听见我的猫睡不着你根
本没养猫我原本有机会养再见了，Heckles先生我们会很小声的菲比，帮我个忙吗?能试穿看看吗?我想知道合不合身?我的第一件生日礼物
这衣服真…不，是送乌苏拉的我想知道尺寸好呀合身你今晚又和她约会?对，去看花样溜冰这回你是来真的没想到你会为任何花式玩意儿付钱我也不
知道，我喜欢她她与众不同，她有…你喜欢?我们懂你喜欢她，太好了菲比，我问过你而你也同意了也许现在不同意了也许我对于你的不同意也不同
意了好吧！快织，快织！好女人克莱斯勒大楼就在那儿妮娜Douglas先生不错的领带！她还在这里?没错,她还在我没通知你吗?我开除她后
,接到她心理医生的电话佛…佛林大夫他说她一时无法适应老实说他提到“狂暴”这两个字她?开什么玩笑?她…不，妮娜?她…如果你现在问她她
根本记不得被开除这件事难以置信你不得不信因此我决定暂时不再开除她直到我确定她对自己或其他人不构成威胁为止我了解人的心中在想什么别人
永远无法完全了解所以会有心理学的产生爸妈永远忘不了这声音这是生产的奇迹请开灯这一集是生宝宝下周是我们的最后一堂课苏珊，准备接球这根
本不可能…怎么了?我不做那女人做的事我不会这么做的他得留在我体内一切和原来一样卡萝，不会有事的你怎么知道?当然不会有人对你说：这是
你的鼻孔吗?我能将这肉块穿你的鼻孔吗?卡萝,亲爱的。深呼吸！我知道你很惶恐往远处想 生产过程只是一天结束后他这辈子都是我们的儿子怀
胎生子为的不就是这些吗?罗斯?我要当爸爸了你才刚知道?我一直都知道我有个孩子只是不知道孩子有我你会是个好爸爸的你怎会知道?我连阻止
马修吃浴室垫都办不到我如何养儿育女?罗斯，科学家说孩子和猴子是不一样的哪儿去?出去和谁?是的，你知道能问你一个问题吗?你们有没有.
..嘛?不关你的事没有，行了吗?你是指性吧?有空吗?当然，什么事?我不知道最近大家都避开我而且以奇怪的眼神看我或许他们在嫉妒我们或
许吧这无法解释他们为何拿走我的剪刀或许是因为你被升职的缘故我被升职了?当然！为什么不会？天啊，你真是太了不起了可不是吗海伦，能快处
理布小姐升职的手续吗?你仍要我拿她的心理分析结果到人事部?什么?海伦喝醉了你愿意嫁给我吗?最后我把一切都告诉她了她的反应如何?坦然
接受除了拿钉书机钉我之外告诉你们，以后遇见类似的状况切记别把手放在桌上我想我知道该怎么做了能把电视关掉吗?能把他们弄走吗?我受不了
了菲比，他们走了好的你还好吧？还不是乌苏拉惹的祸菲比，我能问…他和她约会真有那么糟吗?对，我不是说她是很坏她总是给我添乱！我8岁时
我不给她我的热水壶她就把它丢在公车下然后，有个蓝迪布朗你们有没有过男友身兼好友的情况?没有我当时的状况就是如此她把他抢走又伤他的心
他从此不和我说话因为他说他不愿再见像她我们俩之一的任何人噢,菲比我知道乔伊不是我男朋友或者热水壶你不会失去他的你得找乔伊谈好的拜托
，这些事他全然不知如果她了解你的感受………但他爱上她了拜托，他们才约会一个星期根本还没上床，八字都还没一撇呢好吧哦！好的好的我们能
帮你什么忙吗?瑞秋，你在干什么?外面好冷，进来好吗?不…你要我把灯取下我正在做，行吗?天啊，瑞秋!我没事…Heckles先生…能帮
一下忙吗?我指的就是这种事儿117 The One With Two Parts, Part 2Opening Credits[S
cene: An Emergency Room, Rachel and Monica enter.? Rachel is limp
ing and leaning on Monica for support.]Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow
ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.(They reach the desk. The bored nur
se thinks she''s heard it all before.)Monica: Hi. Uh, my friend he
re was taking down our Christmas lights, and and she fell off the
balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle or something.Nu
rse: My god. You still have your Christmas lights up?(Rachel glar
es at the nurse, who gives Monica a form attached to a clipboard.
)Nurse: Fill this out and bring it back to me.(Monica helps Rache
l over to a vacant seat.)Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.(Mo
nica starts on the form, while Rachel catches her breath and mass
ages her ankle.)Monica: Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address... Okay
, in case of emergency, call?Rachel: You.Monica: Really?Rachel: Y
eah.Monica: Oh, that is so sweet. (Touched, she puts an arm aroun
d her friend and kisses her.) Oh gosh, love you. Insurance?Rachel
: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that.Monica: (No
longer touched) you don''t have insurance?Rachel: Why, how much i
s this gonna cost?Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could
be a couple hundred dollars.Rachel: Wel-wel-well what are we gonn
a do?Monica: Well there''s not much we can do.Rachel: (Like a big
baby) Um... unless, unless I use yours.Monica: Hah, no no no no n
o no no no no no.Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait
a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?
Monica: (Looking around to check that no-one''s listening, then lo
wering her voice anyway) That''s insurance fraud.Rachel: Well, alr
ight, then, forget it. (Getting up to go) Might as well just go h
ome. Ow ow ow ow!Monica: (Jumping up to make Rachel sit down) Oka
y, okay. I hate this.Rachel: Thank you. Thank you. I love you.Mon
ica: (to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I''m gonna need a new set
of (tiny laugh) these forms (tiny laugh).Nurse: Why?Monica: (Tin
y laugh) I am really an idiot. (Tiny laugh) you see, I was fillin
g out my friend''s form, and instead of putting her information, (
tiny laugh) I put mine.Nurse: You are an idiot. (She hands over a
blank form).Monica: (Tiny laugh) yep, that''s me, (tiny laugh) I
am that stupid (tiny laugh).[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, has s
plit up his newspaper so Joey can look at the funnies, while Ross
''s inappropriate joke at Lamaze class has come back to haunt him.
]Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with
my kid.Chandler and Joey: That''s nice.Ross: No, no, with him. (H
e mimes holding the baby like a football.) I''m on this field, and
they, they hike me the baby... and I, I know I''ve gotta do somet
hing ''cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin'' right at me.Joey: Tam
pa Bay''s got a terrible team.Ross: Right, but, it is just me and
the baby, so I''m thinkin'' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah,
I just heave it down field.Chandler: What are you crazy? That''s
a baby!Joey: He should take the sack?Ross: Anyway, suddenly I''m d
own field, and I realise that I''m the one who''s supposed to catch
him, right? Only I know there is no way I''m gonna get there in t
ime, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke
up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father.Chandler: Hey, you''re
gonna be fine. You''re one of the most caring, most responsible m
en in North America. You''re gonna make a great dad.Joey: Yeah, Ro
ss. You and the baby just need better blocking.(Feeling a little
better, Ross fetches more coffee.)Joey: Oh, have either one of yo
u guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?Chandl
er: Well, only if you order stuff.Joey: I''m takin'' Ursula tonight
. It''s her birthday.Ross: Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe''s birthda
y?Joey: When''s that?Ross: Tonight.Joey: Oh, man. What''re the odds
of that happening?(Joey begins to contemplate his ill fortune.)R
oss: You take your time.(Joey looks at his friends, thinks a bit
more, then realises.)Chandler: There it is! So what''re you gonna
do?Joey: What can I do? Look, I don''t want to do anything to scre
w it up with Ursula.Chandler: And your friend Phoebe?Joey: Well,
if she''s my friend, hopefully she''ll understand. I mean, wouldn''t
you guys?Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my b
irthday, you''d be starin'' at the business end of a hissy fit.(Joe
y gestures to show that he wouldn''t dare...)[Scene: The Hospital,
Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive. ? They
enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.]Dr. Mitchel
l: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.(The
y approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell consults Ms.Geller''s ad
missions form.)Dr. Mitchell: Okay, errrr, Monica?Monica: Yes? (ju
mping as Rachel punches her arm) ..yes, she is.Rachel (as Monica)
: Hi, this is my friend Rachel.Monica (as Rachel): Hi.Dr. Mitchel
l: (Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I''m Dr.Mitchell.Dr. Rosen: (Smiling
even more and attempting to take over) And I''m his friend, Dr.Ros
en.(Monica and Rachel smile back prettily.)Rachel: Aren''t you a l
ittle cute to be a doctor?Dr. Rosen: Excuse me?Rachel: I meant er
, (struggling to concentrate) young, young, I meant young, young
to be a doctor. Oh good, Rach.Monica (as Rachel): Thank you.Rache
l (as Monica): Right.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, everyone but Jo
ey is waiting for Phoebe to arrive for her surprise birthday part
y.? Rachel and Monica is telling Chandler about Rachel''s incident
.]Rachel: ..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.Mon
ica: Uh, you left out the stupid part.Rachel: Not stupid. The ver
y cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I
said "yes."Monica: I think it''s totally insane, I mean, they wor
k for the hospital. It''s like returning to the scene of the crime
. You know, I say we blow off the dates.Rachel: What? Monica, the
y are cute, they are doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her
slow friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!Chandler: Alrigh
t, what have we learned so far?(There is a knock at the door. Som
eone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, ex
cept for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in
the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notic
e that it''s him.)The Whole Party: (Jumping up) SURPRISE!!!(Ross i
s so startled that he throws his arms up to defend himself. The b
ox takes off, then lands with a squishy thud, its contents oozing
out onto the floor. Ross is not pleased.)Ross: What the hell are
you doing? You scared the crap outta me.Rachel: Was that the cak
e?Ross: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush.Monica: Come on, she''ll
be here any minute.(The whole party gathers round as Ross puts t
he box on the coffee table.)Rachel: I hope it''s okay.(As Ross ope
ns the lid, everybody looks at the mess inside.)Monica: Oh...Chan
dler: (Reading) "Happy Birthday Peehe."Monica: Well maybe we can
make a, a, a ''B'' out of one of those roses.(Phoebe quietly wander
s in, to join the tableau.)Ross: (Still annoyed) Yeah, we''ll just
use our special cake tools.Phoebe: Hey, what''s going on?Ross: Oh
, we just...Phoebe''s Friends: (Finally noticing the guest of hono
ur) Surprise!Phoebe: (Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh
my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty
, Hi! (Thrilled) You found Betty! Oh my god! (Hugging people) Thi
s is great. Everybody I love is in the same room, (still happy) W
here''s Joey?(The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a w
itticism, but even he can''t help...)Chandler: Did you see Betty?(
Betty waggles her fingers to say "Hi", but Phoebe feels her birth
day has been ruined by her twin.)[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross is ha
ving lunch with his father who is examining his next forkful.]Mr.
Geller: I tell you one thing, I wouldn''t mind having a piece of
this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had s
aid to me, here''s a tomato that looks like a prune, I''d say "get
out of my office!"Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out
at all?Mr. Geller: I''m not freaking out, I''m just saying, if som
ebody had come to me with the idea andndash;Ross: Dad, dad, dad,
I''m talkin'' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get
this sort of... panicky, "Oh my god I''m gonna be a father" kind o
f a thing?Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was
busy with the business. I wasn''t around that much. Is that what t
his is about?Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.Mr. Geller:
''Cause there''s time to make up for that. We can do stuff together
. You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How ''bou
t we do that?Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just,
I just needed to know, um... when did you start to feel like a f
ather?Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day afte
r you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was as
leep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this u
gly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger w
ith your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that''s wh
en I knew.(Ross is so moved by his father''s charming story, that
he stops eating.)Mr. Geller: So you don''t wanna go to Williamsbur
g?Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg.Mr. Geller: Eat your fish.[
Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica is just getting off of the int
ercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP mode.]Monica
: Rachel, the cute doctors are here.Rachel: (entering from her ro
om) Okay, coming!(Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr.
Geoffrey.)Monica: Hi, come on in.Dr. Mitchell: Hey.Monica: Hi, Ge
offrey.Rachel: Hi.Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine.Dr. Mitchel
l: Look at this, it''s from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnin
e, so how could we resist?Rachel: Oh, that''s great. Look at that.
Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how''s the ankle?Monica: It''s uh...(Rachel
discreetly coughs to warn her.)Monica (as Rachel): ..well, why do
n''t you tell them? After all it, is your ankle.Rachel (as Monica)
: You know what, it''s feeling a lot better, thank you, um... Well
, listen, why don''t you two sit down and, and we''ll get you some
glasses... okay... (They don''t know what to do with their coats a
nd Monica points to the living room) STAT!(Rachel joins Monica wh
o is in the kitchen area, opening the wine bottle. Rachel checks
that the doctors aren''t listening, then lowers her voice anyway.)
Rachel: Okay, listen, I''m thinking, why don''t we just tell them w
ho we really are? I mean, it''ll be fine, I really think it''ll be
fine.Monica: It will not be fine. We''ll get in trouble.Rachel: Oh
, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss?Monica: A wuss? Excuse
me for living in the real world, okay?(Back at the couch, Dr. Mi
tchell and Dr. Rosen have concerns of their own.)Dr. Mitchell: So
?Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal.Dr. Mitchell: That''s
because they are.Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to ad
mit that every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital...
It turns into...Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around. No paga
n altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they''re fine. (Baring
his teeth to clean them with his finger) Go like this. (Dr. Rose
n obeys.)(Meanwhile, back at the sink.)Monica: I said we are not
going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.Rac
hel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what? I swea
r to god, just because you get so uptight every time we...Monica:
Sure, every time, you''re such a princess...Rachel: You know what
?Monica: What?Rachel: You know what?Monica: What!?Rachel: You kno
w what?Monica: (getting angry) What!!?Rachel: Every day, you are
becoming more and more like your mother.(Rachel brightly limps ba
ck across the apartment with glasses of wine for the cute doctors
, leaving an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)Rachel: Hello! Here
we go!Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived
here?Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I''ve been here about six years,
and Rachel moved in a few months ago.Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah...
(joining the others) ..see, I was supposed to get married, but, u
m, I left the guy at the altar.(Rachel tries to hide her alarm, b
ut she squirms in her chair.)Dr. Mitchell: Really?Monica: (as Rac
hel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it''s pretty selfish, but haha, hey, tha
t''s me. (Indicating a dish on the table) Why don''t you try the hu
mmus?Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, what do you do?Rachel: (as Monica) Aa
hh, I''m a... chef at a restaurant uptown.Dr. Rosen: Good for you.
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah it is, mostly because I get to boss peop
le around, which I just love to do.Dr. Rosen: This hummus is grea
t.Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea.Monica: (as Rachel) (Sudde
nly laughing) Oh, god, I am so spoiled... That''s it!(The doctors
don''t know what to make of all this.)Rachel: (as Monica) And by t
he way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?Mo
nica: (as Rachel) I used to wet my bed.Rachel: (as Monica) I use
my breasts to get other people''s attention.Monica: (as Rachel) (R
evealing her anger to point at her best friend) We both do that!(
Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctor
s drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The tel
ephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently d
aring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Mic
hael wins.)Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and Rachel''s apart
ment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one second... (handing it to Moni
ca) ..ah, Rachel, it''s your dad.Monica: (as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No,
no, it''s me. (Getting up to move further away from Rachel) li-lis
ten, Dad, I can''t talk right now, um, but there''s something, um..
. there''s something that I''ve been meaning to tell you...(Monica
glares triumphantly across the room, scaring Rachel who also stan
ds up.)Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second?Monica: (as Rache
l) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel ca
n catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.(Compl
etely undone by Monica''s verbal destruction, Rachel almost loses
her balance as she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping for bre
ath, and literally not knowing which way to turn. Finally, she es
capes into the bathroom while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks philo
sophically at Dr. Rosen who seems about remind him of the good ol
d days at the pagan altar.)Commercial Break[Scene: Monica and Rac
hel''s, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit ro
und the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dres
sing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking with a
gitation.]Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy w
ould I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out
of business! (Rachel turns to Monica, clasping the receiver to he
r bosom so Dr.Green can''t hear, while mouthing "You are...") ...d
ead!(Monica smiles a sweet apology of regret, until she''s distrac
ted by Marcel as he clambers all over her nice furniture.)Monica:
Ross, he''s got the remote again.Ross: Good. Maybe he can switch
it back.(Marcel changes channel to Bugs Bunny, who is speaking in
Spanish.)Ross: Maybe not.(Meanwhile, Rachel has taken another ca
ll, from a nurse she''d hoped never to hear from again.)Rachel: He
llo? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping her fingers at Ross who ta
kes the remote from Marcel, then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold
on a second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if she''s here.
(All animosity forgotten, Rachel holds the receiver out as she li
mps quickly over to her friend, who stands up in concern.)Rachel:
It''s the woman from the hospital admissions office. She says the
re''s a problem with the form. Oh, god, oh god...Rachel and Monica
: Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe do, waddawe do?Monica: I don''t know
! Why don''t you just explain? What do they want? Find out what th
ey want!Rachel: Okay (desperately hands the receiver over) no, yo
u do it.Monica: (taking the phone) Hello, this is Monica... Yeah?
?? Oh... (Smiles at Rachel to reassure her) Okay, yes, we''ll be r
ight, we''ll be right down.(Listens) Thank you. (Hangs up)Rachel:
What?Monica: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.Rachel
: Ohhh... (slumping in relief) Okay, you were right. You were rig
ht! This was just not worth it.Monica: Thank you.Rachel: Okay, le
t me just change.Monica: Yes.(Rachel goes to her room.)Joey: (ent
ering quietly) Hey.Ross and Chandler: Hey!Monica: Hi.Phoebe: Trou
ble?Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night.Phoebe: Oh, no.
Don''t you hate it when people aren''t there for you?Ross: Well di
d you try calling her?Joey: I''ve been trying for two days. When I
called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. I can
''t believe she''s blowin'' me off.(Phoebe wants to be angry with Jo
ey, but as she watches him shaking his head in pain and disbelief
, she knows that it isn''t his fault.)[Scene: Riff''s, Phoebe is en
tering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only h
as time to set one on the table, when...]Phoebe: Hey.(Ursula turn
s in surprise.)Ursula: Oh!Phoebe: Um you, you got a minute?Ursula
: Um, yeah, I''m just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..wo
rking.(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over,
side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past th
e pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoye
d as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)Ph
oebe: So.Ursula: Uh-huh.(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sis
ter has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over h
ow best to begin.)Phoebe: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.(U
rsula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe re
moves a present from her bag.)Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (O
pening it) Oh! It''s a Judy Jetson thermos!(She laughs at the chil
dhood memory. Phoebe smiles at being able to make her point.)Phoe
be: Right, like the kind you...Ursula: Right... Oh, I got somethi
ng for you, too.(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by th
e counter.)Phoebe: How''d you know I was coming?Ursula: Um, yeah,
um, twin thing.(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe''s hand.
Phoebe brightens.)Phoebe: I can''t believe you did this.(Phoebe op
ens the box, to find something familiar inside.)Phoebe: I can''t b
elieve you... (holding up Joey''s cardigan) ..did this.(Phoebe''s s
mile hardens as she packs the cardigan away.)Phoebe: So... What''s
the deal with umm, you and Joey?Ursula: Oh, right. He is so grea
t. But that''s over.(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)Phoebe: Doe
s he know?Ursula: Who?Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he''s really nut
sy about you.Ursula: He is? Why?Phoebe: You got me.Ursula: Right.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.
)Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn''t this come with a side salad?(The man
gives up, shaking his head.)Phoebe: So, um, are you gonna call hi
m?Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he
likes me?Phoebe: No, Joey.Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He
''ll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some
chicken?Phoebe: No. No food with a face.Ursula: You have not chan
ged!(Ursula''s eyes dance as she laughs and smiles, simply glad to
be back with her sister.)Phoebe: Yeah, you too.(Trying not to wr
inkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it''s down to her to
make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn''t
received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the wai
ter''s attention, he ignores her.)[Scene: The Emergency Room. The
officious admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and Monica en
ter, looking worried. As they approach the desk, Rachel adopts a
winning smile, while Monica struggles to smile at all.]Rachel: (a
s Monica) Hi, remember us?Nurse: (Grimacing) Mmm hmmm.Monica: (as
Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a little while ago about needi
ng a signature on the admissions form. Well, it turns out we need
a whole new one (little laugh) because uh, you see, I-I, I put t
he wrong name again. (Little laugh) ''cause um...Nurse: You''re tha
t stupid.Monica: (as Rachel) I am. I''m that stupid. (Little laugh
.)Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, and and, I''m just gonna pay for this
with a check.Nurse: Well, you know your insurance will cover that
.Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, I know... (mirroring her friend) ..I''m
I''m just not that bright either.(The girls escape with a new for
m.)[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Chandler is neglecting the game o
f Scrabble, for he''s busily drawing on his own childhood in an at
tempt to help Ross. Marcel chitters about.]Chandler: Okay, worst
case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.Ross: Uh-huh.Chan
dler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all
of his relationships are affected by this.Ross: Do you have a poi
nt?Chandler: You know, you think I would.(Instead of scampering,
Marcel stretches his neck as much as possible, and makes an unvoi
ced noise from his throat.)Chandler: What''s up with the simian?Ro
ss: It''s just a fur ball.Chandler: Okay... (returning to the boar
d) ..whose turn is it?Ross: Yours, I just got 43 points for ''KIDN
EY''.Chandler: No, no, you got zero points for ''IDNEY''.Ross: I had
a ''K''. Where''s where''s my ''K''?(The unvoiced hissing continues. I
n alarm, Ross and Chandler look at the monkey, who is now in some
distress.)[Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, w
ho is filling out an honest form at last. Ross and Chandler hurtl
e in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled in Ros
s''s arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross is frantic.]R
oss: You''ve got to help me my monkey swallowed a ''K''!(Hearing her
brother''s voice, Monica gets up to stand behind Chandler, follow
ed by Rachel.)Nurse: (angrily) You go get that animal outta here.
Ross: No, no you don''t understand the animal hospital is way acro
ss town he''s choking I don''t know what else to do.Monica: What''s
goin'' on?(Ross and Chandler turn at the voice...)Chandler: Marcel
swallowed a Scrabble tile.Rachel: Oh.(..then turn back to the de
sk when the surprise hits them, and Ross and Chandler whip around
once more. Monica and Rachel recoil slightly.)Nurse: Excuse me..
. This hospital is for people!Ross: Lady, he is people. He has a
name, okay? He watches Jeopardy! He he touches himself when nobod
y''s watching. Please, please have a heart!(Ross''s vigorous protes
t is attracting attention.)Dr. Mitchell: I''ll take a look at him.
(Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler whip around for a second time,
in formation.)Rachel and Monica: Oh, thank you.Monica: Michael.D
r. Mitchell: Rachel.Rachel: What?Monica: (as Rachel) Monica.Rache
l: (as Monica) Oh.Monica: (as Rachel) Hi.Rachel: (as Monica) Hi.(
Monica smiles to cover her embarrassment, but Rachel sadly looks
away...)[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is playing "She Loves Me, She
Loves Me Not" with the petals of a flower, alternately looking ho
peful and annoyed. Phoebe enters, but not as herself, for she has
changed the style of her hair and make-up to match that of her t
win sister. She hangs up her coat, revealing her new cardigan. Ne
rvously, she smooths out the identifying garment, approaching Joe
y who sits next to the main sofa.]Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.Joey: U
rse...(Phoebe nods as he stands up in delight.)Joey: ..ah, what''r
e you doing here? I''ve been trying to call you.Phoebe: (as Ursula
) Listen, um...Joey: No, no, no, don''t say "listen." I know that
"listen." I''ve said that "listen."Phoebe: (as Ursula) I''m sorry.J
oey: I don''t get it. What happened? What about everything you sai
d under the bridge?(Phoebe is almost thrown by this.)Phoebe: (as
Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you,
you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was
talkin'' crazy that night, I was so drunk!Joey: You don''t drink.Ph
oebe: (as Ursula) That''s right, I don''t... But I was, I was drunk
on you!Joey: Oh, Urse... (He tries to take her in his arms, but
she fends him off.)Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it''s not go
nna work.Joey: Why? Is it because I''m friends with Phoebe?Phoebe:
(as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?Joey:
(Thinking carefully) no. No, I, I couldn''t do that.Phoebe: (as U
rsula) Um, then yes, it''s ''cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it''s ei
ther her or me.Joey: Then, uh, then I''m sorry.(He sinks to the so
fa, saddened by Ursula''s ultimatum, while Phoebe follows, touched
by Joey''s good heart.)Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconscio
usly putting a hand on his knee) You''re gonna be really, really h
ard to get over.Joey: I know...(He looks up at her face and Phoeb
e, slipping out of character, smiles back at him. Joey''s voice be
comes soft and warm.)Joey: I don''t know whether it''s just ''cause
we''re breakin'' up or... what, but you have never looked so beauti
ful.Phoebe: Really?(Phoebe smiles, when Joey takes her face in hi
s hands and kisses her. Joey gets up to leave but stops suddenly.
Phoebe silently shouts "Oh, whoa!!" to herself, and leans back i
n the sofa to recover, a hand to her tingling lips. A thoughtful
Joey is also feeling his lips, so he hesitates for a moment, then
returns for a better view, he thinks again, cocking his head fro
m side to side to regard her profile from various angles, then...
)Joey: Pheebs?Phoebe: (Automatically) Yeah. Oooh... (she''s sprung
.)[Scene: The Hospital, Marcel lies on the operating table while
recovering from the anaesthetic, tucked up under a sheet like an
infant in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as a smiling Chandler
, Monica and Rachel look on.]Ross: He looks so tiny.(The door bur
sts open, and Joey and Phoebe rush in.)Joey: We just got the mess
age.Phoebe: Is he alright?Ross: Yeah. The doctor got the ''K'' out.
He also found an ''M'' and an ''O''.Chandler: We think he was trying
to spell out ''MONKEY.''(Ross does not approve of Chandler''s daft
theory.)Ross: Well, the doctor says he''s gonna be fine, he''s just
sleeping now.Chandler: (Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you fe
el like a dad yet?Ross: No, why?Chandler: Hey, come on, you came
through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.(Ross does
approve of this, but he''s still not sure. The tiny figure stirs.)
Monica: Oh, look, he''s waking up!Ross: (Quietly) hey, fella! How
you doing?(All of a sudden, Marcel grabs Ross''s finger with his w
hole fist, and he squeezes it, so tight, that Ross finally knows
what it is to be a father. He looks up at his friends, who smile
encouragingly, Rachel tenderly resting her chin upon Monica''s sho
ulder. Ross realises that Chandler was right and he''s gonna make
a great dad!)Closing Credits[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, everyone
except Joey is there.? Rachel is looking out of the window and R
oss is handing out some Chinese takeout.? There''s a small SAP in
the corner of the screen.]Ross: Aqui est? (Here it is!)Monica: 緼
qui閚 pidio el pollo General Tso? (Who ordered General Sal''s chick
en?)Chandler: udo aver sido General Tso! (It could''ve been Gener
al Sal!)(Rachel points out of the window.)Rachel: ira, mira, el
viejo desnudo est?haciendo el hula hoop! (Look, look, Ugly Naked
Guy is doing the hula!)(The others rush to the window for a look.
)All:www! (Ewww!)(Joey enters, happy again.)All: ola, Joey! (Hi
, Joey!)Joey: ola, amigos! (Hey, everybody!)(Marcel grabs the re
mote.)Monica: Mira, Ross, Marcel se llevo el control remoto. (Loo
k, Ross, Marcel''s got the remote.)Ross: o que sucedio es que no
le gusta la tele! (The thing is, he doesn`t like the program!)(Ev
erybody laughs.)End117 双胞胎两部曲（二）小姐~那是菲比好的，就这样了？他们是双胞胎菲比是菲比，乌苏拉好辣这
是给乌苏拉的当然好？ 合身马修？ 遥控器给罗修他是怎么办到的？全是乌苏拉惹的祸他和她约会？有这么糟吗？你并不了解我妹妹你得和乔依谈
谈他爱上她了你不会失去他的他们还没上过床 八字都还没一撇呢哦~，需要帮忙吗？瑞秋…我没事，我没事~哦哦哦，哦哦哦，哦哦哦~你好我朋
友取下圣诞灯时，从阳台跌落她的脚或者脚踝可能受伤了我的天，你们的圣诞灯还亮着？资料填后拿给我哦哦哦，哦哦哦，哦哦哦~好的。哦。姓名
？地址？好的，你的紧急联系电话是？你真的？对你真好天啊，我爱你保险？哦！好的！勾上它！我确实需要一些！你没有保险？为什么？看着病要
花很多钱么？我不知道啊。可能几百块钱吧我们该怎么办？没有太多办法可想呃……除非让我用你的。不不不不不…等等？我的紧急连络人是谁？这
是保险欺诈……好吧？算了……我回家哦！哦！哦！好吧，回来我讨厌这么做-谢谢！我爱你！我需要新表格为什么？我真是个笨蛋！我替我朋友填
资料时我填的不是她的资料而是我的你真是个笨蛋没错？这就是我我就是那么笨！我昨晚梦见我和我儿子在玩足球真温馨不？是用他打我在球场上他
们叫我以儿子做裆下开球坦帕湾队的防守球员逐渐逼近所以我得做出决定坦帕湾队可是很烂啊！没错？但只有我和我儿子所以我想他们很可能要找我
们的麻烦所以我只好传球什么？你疯啦？他是你儿子难道他应该擒抱？不管怎样，突然间我已到了场边了我发觉我就是那个该接球的人但我绝对来不
及于是我跑啊跑于是我就醒过来了我还没准备好当爸爸你没问题的你是全北美最细心、最有责任感的男人你将来一定是个好爸爸的没错？你和你儿子
只是需要更好的阻挡你们去过彩虹厅吗？ 真有那么贵？除非你要点儿什么东西我要带乌苏拉去那里，今天是她生日菲比的生日该怎么办？什么时候
？今晚哦！真是太巧了……慢慢想吧别着急想出来了！……你打算怎么办？我能怎么办？我不想让乌苏拉不开心你的朋友菲比呢？如果她是我朋友希
望她能谅解要是你们，你们难道不能谅解吗？兄弟，如果你敢在我的生日那天做这事儿我就让你好看！加上少量蕃红花，就能使情况完全改观好的，
嗯，摩妮卡？是的……是的，她是！她是我朋友瑞秋瑞秋？我是米契尔大夫我是他朋友罗森大夫你当医生是否太帅了一点？抱歉，什么？哦，我是指
年轻，是不是做医生太年轻了说得好,瑞秋谢谢没错他说这只是扭伤，就这些哦，你忘说我们那些蠢事才不蠢呢这位两位帅哥大夫约我们明晚出去而
且我答应了我觉得这太疯狂了。我的意思是他们在医院工作啊我们这样不是回到犯罪现场？你知道么？我觉得我们应该取消约会！什么？嘿！他们可
是大帅哥！他们是医生，是长得帅的医生！好的，目前为止我们学习到什么？哦，快快惊喜！！你们到底在干吗？把我吓死了那是蛋糕么？对！柠檬
口味快？她随时会到希望蛋糕没事“生日快乐……Peehe……”或许我们可以用玫瑰当“B”对？用我们的特殊蛋糕工具嘿!怎么了？惊喜！！
哦！哦！哦！你们真是太好了但这一点也不可怕大家好！贝蒂！哦！你找来了贝蒂！太棒了！哦！天啊，我喜欢这些都在这个房间里发生乔伊在哪里
？你看见贝蒂没？告诉你，我现在并不介意吃这种烤干的蕃茄干五年前如果有人说，我的蕃茄像李子我就叫他滚出我的办公室爸？我出生前你会紧张
吗？我不紧张，我是说如果有人对我说…爸？我在谈小孩的事你是否曾因为将成为父亲而紧张？没有啊不会？都是你妈在处理我在忙着生意上的事情
，我并没有太多时间你找我来是为了这个？不不，爸爸，我只是好奇因为我们有时间弥补。我们可以一起做点事情你一直想去威廉斯堡我们去怎么样
？我只是想知道你何时感觉自己像个父亲应该是你出生那一天我们在病房，你妈在睡觉他们把你交给我你当时又丑又红又小你突然用拳头紧抓住我的
手指紧紧捏住我的手指那时候我才感觉到你不想去威廉斯堡？我们可以去啊吃你的鱼吧瑞秋？帅哥医生来了来了嗨,快进来嗨！嗨,杰弗瑞嗨。我们
带了一瓶酒这是来自恩尼斯及托夫波尼酒窖其能受得了这样的诱惑？呵呵哦！真棒，看看莫尼卡，脚踝怎么样了？嗯……你为什么不告诉他们？毕竟
这是你自己的脚踝我感觉好多了，谢谢！哦，你们快请坐，我给你们拿几个酒杯好吧，快点~好的，听者，我想我们为什么不告诉他们我们的真实身
份呢？我想不会有事的，不会有问题的我们会惹上大麻烦的！摩妮卡，别那么不争气！不争气？抱歉，我生在真实的世界之中所以呢？ 她们似乎很
正常但你得承认每次我们和女病患约会都…别紧张，看看四周没有异教徒的神坛角落里没有一堆一堆的骨头他们不错！嘿，你的牙齿……我们绝不能
这么做有时候你怎么这么像个大小孩呢？我才不幼稚呢。我发誓,每次咱们这样你都那么紧张……是啊,每次你都像公主似的……你知道吗？什么？
你知道吗？什么？！你知道吗？什么！！？一天一天你愈来愈像你妈了-来喽！-谢谢！这地方真不错你住在这儿多久了？谢谢，我住在这儿六年了
瑞秋几个月前才搬来对，我本来应该结婚的但我把我的未婚夫抛弃在圣坛了真的？是啊。是啊是啊！我知道这很自私，但是，嘿，这就是我！何不试
试这个摩妮卡，你从事什么工作？我在上城区一家餐厅的总厨师真有你的没错因为我喜欢指使别人这点心不错愿神保佑鹰嘴豆哦，哈哈，天啊，我真
是被宠坏了就这样了对了，我有提过我的高中吗？我在高中是只肥猪。我经常尿床我以胸部吸引别人的注意我们都一样摩妮卡与瑞秋的公寓等等，瑞
秋，是你爸爸？不，是我我现在没空但有些话我一直想告诉你失陪一下记得我大一的时候吗？我和比利在你床上做爱爸爸，爸爸……爸，我干嘛和比
利上床？他爸想害你倒闭你死定了罗斯？他又拿遥控器了很好，或许它能将功能变回来或许不会等等，我看看她在不在是医院那个女人打来的她说表
格有问题哦，天啊！天啊！怎么办？怎么办？怎么办？我也不知道，看看她想要什么？好吧！不，你来问！我是摩妮卡好，我们马上去，谢谢怎么了
？我们忘了签名你说得对，我们不该这么做谢谢我去换件衣服嗨……有麻烦了？你妹那一夜放我鸽子真可怜被人放鸽子的滋味不好受吧你有打电话给
她吗？我连打了两天打给餐厅时他们说她太忙我不敢相信她想甩掉我-嗨！-哦！有空吗？有，我只是在工作嗯……哦？.我为你买了生日礼物你记
得是茱蒂杰森热水壶对，像你… 对，我也有东西送你你怎么知道我会来？我们是双胞胎嘛我不敢相信你会这么做我不敢相信你会这么做！那么，你
和乔伊怎么样了？他人很好，但我们结束了他知道吗？谁？乔伊！他对你着迷不已是吗？为什么？这你问倒我了……没错抱歉这道菜不是有沙拉吗？
你会打电话给他吗？你认为他喜欢我不，是乔伊不，他很聪明，他会了解的想吃鸡肉吗？不,我不吃有脸的东西你还是没变你也一样记得我们吗？是
啊…………你刚打电话要我们过来在表格上签名？但我们需要一张全新的表格我又写错名字了因为…你就是那么笨是啊，我就是那么笨！我要用支票
付帐你不知道保险会给付吗？我知道，只是我没也那么聪明好的，想象最糟的场景你从未感觉像个爸爸嗯……你儿子从未感觉你像个爸爸他所有的关
系全受这个的影响你这话有没有重点？应该有的这只猴子到底怎么了？只是毛球好吧。该谁了？该你了，我刚刚因为“KIDNEY”得了43分不
，你没得分你拼的是“idney”不，我有k，我的k在哪儿？快帮我，我的猴子把k吞了把你的动物带走不，你不懂，动物医院离这儿很远它快
窒息了，我不知道该怎么办怎么了？马修吞了一个字母哦！抱歉，这是为人看病的医院小姐，它是人，他有名字他也看“Jeopardy”节目没
人看时它就摸自己请你有点善心,求你了让我来看看他哦，谢谢麦克瑞秋什么？莫尼卡- 哦！- 嗨！乌苏拉!你到这儿来干什么？我一直想给你
打电话听着，嗯……不，别叫我听，我知道你的意思抱歉我不懂，你怎么了？那些在桥下说的话你都忘了吗？是啊，你得忘记我在桥下说过的话我那
一夜喝醉了，胡言乱语你不喝酒没错，我不喝酒但我爱你爱得如痴如醉乌苏拉我们是没有结果的为什么？ 因为我是菲比的朋友？如果是，你愿意不
和她来往吗？不行，我办不到没错，就是因为她不是她就是我那么我只能说抱歉了你知道，忘了你是很难的一件事忘了你是很难的一件事我知道我不
知是否因为分手你从未这么漂亮过真的？菲比？什么事？它好小我刚听说了它没事吧？没事了，医生已取出k了他还发现m和o它一定想拼字“mo
nkey”医生说它已无大碍，它睡着了你有当爸爸的感觉没？没有，干嘛问？拜托，你办到了有爸爸的味道了看？它醒了老兄？感觉如何？谁点了
Sal将军的鸡？它本来就是属于Sal将军的快看快看，丑陋裸男正玩呼啦圈呢！嗨，乔伊！大家好~~罗斯，马修又拿着遥控器了！看来它不喜
欢这个节目118 The One With All The Poker(The whole gang is helping Rac
hel mail out resumes while whistling the theme from The Bridge on
the River Kwai.)Ross: Uh, Rach, we''re running low on resumes ove
r here.Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?Ch
andler: Well, if you''re gonna work for mechanics, those are the o
nes to work for.Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I''m going for anythi
ng here, OK? I cannot be a waitress anymore, I mean it. I''m sick
of the lousy tips, I''m sick of being called ''Excuse me...''Ross: R
ach, did you proofread these?Rachel: Uh... yeah, why?Ross: Uh, no
thing, I''m sure they''ll be impressed with your excellent compuper
skills.Rachel: (upset) Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it''s on all
of them?Joey: Oh no, I''m sure the Xerox machine caught a few.Ope
ning Credits[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are sitting a
t a table. Rachel is working. Monica and Phoebe enter.]Monica: He
y, guys.Chandler and Ross: Hey.Rachel: Hey... hi, ladies... uh, c
an I get you anything? (to Monica, quietly): Did you bring the ma
il?Monica: Lots of responses.Rachel: (to Monica): Really? (out lo
ud): Sure, we have scones left! (to Monica): OK, read them to me.
Phoebe: (reading): Dear Ms. Green, thank you for your inquiry, ho
wever... oh... (crumples up letter)Rachel: (out loud): We have ap
ple cinnamon...Monica: (reading): OK... Dear Ms. Green... yeah...
yeah... yeah... No. (crumpes up letter)Phoebe: Wow!Rachel: What?
Phoebe: (reading): Your Visa bill is huge!Rachel: (grabs the bill
) Give me that!(Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)Chandl
er: You know, I can''t believe you. Linda is so great! Why won''t y
ou go out with her again?Ross: I don''t know.Chandler: Is this sti
ll about her whole ''The Flintstones could''ve really happened'' thi
ng?Ross: No, it''s not just that. It''s just—I want someone who...
who does something for me, y''know? Who gets my heart pounding, wh
o... who makes me, uh... (begins to stare lovingly at Rachel)Chan
dler: ...little playthings with yarn?Ross: What?Chandler: Could y
ou want her more?Ross: Who?Chandler: (sarcastically) Dee, the sar
castic sister from Whats Happening.Ross: Look, I am totally, tota
lly over her, OK, I just... (Rachel comes over, Ross lays head on
table): Hiiii!Rachel: Hi! How are you?Ross: We''re fine, we''re fi
ne.Rachel: OK. (walks away) (Ross keeps staring at her, head on t
able. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and
Chandler laugh at him.)Joey: Shut up!Chandler: We''re not—we''re n
ot saying anything.Phoebe: What?Ross: Uhhhh... Joey cried last ni
ght.Joey: Thank you.Chandler: (to the girls) We were playing poke
r, alright...Joey: There was chocolate on the three. It looked li
ke an eight, alright?Ross: Oh, guys, you should''ve seen him. ''Rea
d ''em and weep.''Chandler: And then he did.Rachel: Well, now, how
come you guys have never played poker with us?Phoebe: Yeah, what
is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist
guy thing? Like it''s poker, so only guys can play?Ross: No, women
are welcome to play.Phoebe: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kin
d of... you know, like, like... some kind of, y''know, like... alr
ight, what is it?Chandler: There just don''t happen to be any wome
n in our games.Joey: Yeah, we just don''t happen to know any women
that know how to play poker.Girls: Oh, yeah, right.Monica: Oh, p
lease, that is such a lame excuse!Rachel: Really.Monica: I mean,
that''s a typical guy response.Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know
how to play?Girls: No.Rachel: But you could teach us.Guys: No.[S
cene: Monica and Rachel''s, the guys are teaching the girls how to
play poker.]Chandler: (teaching) OK, so now we draw cards.Monica
: So I wouldn''t need any, right? Cause I have a straight.Rachel:
Oh, good for you!Phoebe: Congratulations!(Microwave timer goes of
f. Monica gets up.)Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want?Phoe
be: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of
clubs.Ross: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can''t—you can''t do...Rachel:
Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here! (gives it to Phoebe)Ross
: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can''t do that.Rachel: Oh, no
-no-no-no-no-no, that''s OK, I don''t need them. I''m going for four
s.Ross: Oh, you''re... (gives up)(Monica comes back to the table w
ith plates of food.)Monica: Alright, here we go. We''ve got salmon
roulettes and assorted crudites.Phoebe and Rachel: OOooooo!Joey:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what''re you doin''? This is a poker gam
e. You can''t serve food with more than one syllable. It''s gotta b
e like chips, or dip, or pretz...(look of realization)Chandler: (
changing subject) OK, so at this point, the dealer...Monica: Alri
ght, you know, we got it, we got it. Let''s play for real. High st
akes... big bucks...Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just thr
ew away two jacks because they didn''t look happy...Phoebe: But...
I''m ready, so, just deal.Chandler: OK, alright, last minute less
on, last minute lesson. (holds up two cards) Joey... three... eig
ht. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused) Alright babe, deal the car
ds.(Time lapse.)Monica: (throws down her cards) Dammit, dammit, d
ammit!Phoebe: (to Joey): Oh I see, so then, you were lying.Joey:
About what?Phoebe: About how good your cards were.Joey: Heh... I
was bluffing.Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not ano
ther word for... lying?Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party,
but I''ve got resumes to fax before work tomorrow... (gets up to l
eave)Guys: Whoa, whoa, whoa!Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle
.Rachel: Settle what?Chandler: The... Jamestown colony of Virgini
a. You see, King George is giving us the land, so...Ross: The gam
e, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for the game.Rachel: Oh. Ri
ght.Joey: You know what, you guys? It''s their first time, why don
''t we just forget about the money, alright?Monica: Hell no, we''ll
pay!Phoebe: OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready.Monica: A
nd you know what? We want a rematch.Ross: Well that''s fine with m
e. Could use the money.Rachel: (to Ross): So basically, you get y
our ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends.Ross: (pause)
...Yeah.Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to
put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.Ross: Lo
ok, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright? In order for m
e to win, other people have to lose. So if you''re gonna play poke
r with me, don''t expect me to be a ''nice guy,'' OK? Cause once tho
se cards are dealt... (claps hands three times)Joey: (pause)...Ye
ah?Ross: I''m not a nice guy.[Scene: Ross'' apartment. Chandler and
Joey are there. Ross enters with a pizza.]Ross: Alright boys, le
t''s eat.Chandler: Oh, did you get that from the ''I Love Rachel'' p
izzeria?Ross: You still on that?Chandler: Oh, come on. What was w
ith that whole Black Bart speech? (mimicking): "When I play poker
, I''m not a nice guy!"Ross: You are way off, pal.Joey: No, I don''
t think so, see Ross, because I think you love her.Ross: Um.... n
o. See, I might''ve had feelings for her at one time—not any more.
I just—I...(Marcel makes a screeching noise in background.)Ross:
Marcel! Where are you going with that disc?(Marcel puts a CD in
the player.)Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OK—i
f you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble.(The L
ion Sleeps Tonight starts to play. Marcel starts to dance.)[Scene
: Monica and Rachel''s, Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are there.]Rach
el: (opening mail) Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?Mon
ica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.Phoebe: Ha. Ha,
ha.Monica: What?Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You''re
black.Monica: Please! I am not as bad as Ross.Rachel: Oh, I beg
to differ. The Pictionary incident?Monica: That was not an incide
nt! I-I was gesturing, a-and the plate slipped out of my hand.Rac
hel: Oooooh. (reads letter) (surprised): Oh! I got an interview!
I got an interview!Monica: You''re kidding! Where? Where?Rachel: (
in disbelief): Sak''s... Fifth... Avenue.Monica: Oh, Rachel!Phoebe
: Oh, it''s like the mother ship is calling you home.Monica: Well,
what''s the job?Rachel: Assistant buyer. Oh! I would be shopping.
.. for a living!(Knock on door.)Monica: OK, look. That is Aunt Ir
is. This woman has been playing poker since she was five. You got
ta listen to every word she says. (opens door) Hi!Aunt Iris: Is T
ony Randall dead?Rachel: No.Monica: I don''t think so.Rachel: Why?
Aunt Iris: Well, he may be now, because I think I hit him with my
car.Monica: What?Rachel: Oh my God!Monica: Really?Aunt Iris: No!
That''s bluffing. Lesson number one. (walks into kitchen) Let me
tell you something... everything you hear at a poker game is pure
crap. (to Phoebe): Nice earrings.Phoebe: Thank y... (thinks abou
t it)Aunt Iris: Girls, sit down.Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Ph
oebe, and that''s Rachel...Aunt Iris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
, listen, I am parked at a meter. Let''s do it.[Scene: Ross''s apar
tment, everyone but Rachel is seated around his table. The Lion S
leep Tonight plays in the background.]Phoebe: Ross, could we plea
se, please, please listen to anything else?Ross: Alright.(Ross sh
uts off the CD player. Marcel runs into the bedroom and slams the
door.)Ross: I''m gonna pay for that tonight.(Knock on door. Ross
opens it. Rachel enters.)Rachel: Hi!Ross: Hey.Rachel: Guys! Guess
what, guess what, guess what, guess what!Chandler: Um, ok... the
... the fifth dentist caved and now they''re all recommending Trid
ent?Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She absolutely
loved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the sa
me taste in clothes, and—oh, I went to camp with her cousin... An
d, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well!All:
That''s great! That''s wonderful!Rachel: Oh God, oh, and then she
told the funniest story...Monica: OK, great. You''ll tell us and w
e''ll laugh. Let''s play poker.Joey: Alright now listen, you guys,
we talked about it, and if you don''t want to play, we completely
understand.Chandler: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game..
. like, uh, I don''t know... Pictionary?(The guys all duck under t
he table.)Monica: Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think we''
d like to give poker another try. Shall we, ladies?Phoebe and Rac
hel: Yes, we should. I think we should.Ross: Uh, Rach, do you wan
t me to shuffle those?Rachel: No, no, thats OK. Y''know, I think I
''m gonna give it a go.Ross: Alright.Rachel: Alright... (shuffles
cards expertly, all the guys stare in amazement)Commercial Break[
Scene: Ross''s Apartment, continued from earlier.]Ross: So, Phoebs
owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen big
ones.Joey: But hey, thanks for teachin'' us Cross-Eyed Mary. You
guys, we gotta play that at our regular game.Phoebe: Alright, her
e''s my $7.50. (Hands them the money) But I think you should know
that this money is cursed.Joey: What?Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it. So
now bad things will happen to he who spends it.Chandler: That''s a
lright, I''ll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I
can break ''em up with a movie.Ross: Well, that just leaves the bi
g Green poker machine, who owes fifteen...Rachel: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, s
o typical. Ooo, I''m a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to wi
n money to exert my power over women. (hands over her money)Monic
a: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and w
e will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laug
h, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate y
ourselves forever.Rachel: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, M
on.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, everyone is there ready for anoth
er poker game.]Ross: So, you gals wanna hand over your money now?
That way, we don''t have to go through the formality of actually
playing.Rachel: Ooooh, that''s fine. We''ll see who has the last la
ugh there, monkey boy.Monica: OK, we done with the chit-chat? Are
we ready to play some serious poker?Phoebe: (holding a card and
waving it in front of her face) Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed
jack follows me wherever I go. (they look at her) Right, OK, seri
ous poker.(Ross gets up from the table.)Monica: Excuse me, where
are you going?Ross: Uh... to the bathroom.Monica: Do you want to
go to the bathroom, or do you wanna play poker?Ross: I want to go
to the bathroom. (exits)Joey: Alright, well, I''m gonna order a p
izza. (gets up)Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, I''m still waiting to he
ar from that job and the store closes at nine, so you can eat the
n.Joey: That''s fine. I''ll just have a Tic-Tac to hold me over.Mon
ica: Alright, Cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante. (deals cards
)Phoebe: (looks at her cards) Yes! (everyone looks at her) .... o
r no.(Ross comes back from bathroom.)Ross: Alright. (to Rachel):
Your money''s mine, Green.Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. (he ch
ecks it, and zips up)(Time lapse.)Phoebe: You guys, you know what
I just realized? ''Joker'' is ''poker'' with a ''J.'' Coincidence?Chan
dler: Hey, that''s... that''s ''joincidence'' with a ''C''!Joey: Uh...
Phoebe? Phoebe?Phoebe: Yeah. Um... I''m out. (throws in cards)Rach
el: I''m in.Monica: Me too.Joey: Me too. Alright, whattaya got.Ros
s: Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause... I gotta flush.
(lays down cards)Rachel: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko, ca
use I got four sixes! (lays down cards) I won! I actually won! Oh
my God! Y''know what? (collects chips) I think I''m gonna make a l
ittle Ross pile. (holds up a chip) I think that one was Ross''s, a
nd I think—oh—that one was Ross''s. Yes! (Starts singing): Well, I
have got your money, and you''ll never see it...(Ross stands up.)
Rachel: And your fly''s still open...(Ross looks down.)Rachel: Ha,
I made you look.... (Time lapse.)Rachel: I couldn''t be inner. Mo
nica?Phoebe: Monica, in or out?Monica: (slams down cards) I hate
this game! (Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards Chandler
, who hides it under the table.)Phoebe: OK Joey, your bet.Joey: A
hhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a f
at guy with sores on his face. (the girls look at him, confused)
Oh, I''m out.Phoebe: Ross?Ross: Oh, I am very in.Phoebe: Chandler?
Chandler: Couldn''t be more out. (throws in cards)Phoebe: Me too.
Rachel.Rachel: Uh, I will see you... and I''ll raise you. (throws
chips in pot) What do you say... want to waste another buck?Ross:
No, not this time. (he folds) So... what''d you have?Rachel: I''m
not telling. (collects chips)Ross: Come on, show them to me. (rea
ches for her cards, Rachel covers them up)Rachel: No..!Ross: Show
them to me!Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!Ross: Let me
see! Show them!Chandler: Y''know, I''ve had dates like this.Rachel:
(deals new hand) Boy, you really can''t stand to lose, can you? Y
our whole face is getting red... little veins popping out on your
temple...Phoebe: Plus that shirt doesn''t really match those pant
s.(Ross is visibly upset.)Ross: First of all, I''m not losing...Ra
chel: Oh, you are losing. Definitely losing. (phone rings)Ross: L
et''s not talk about losing. Just deal the...Rachel: (answering ph
one) Hel-lo, Rachel Green.Ross: (mimicking Rachel) Mee mee, mee-m
ee mee.Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me. (covers up phone; to Ross) I
t''s about the job.(Rachel walks into kitchen to talk on the phone
.)Rachel: Barbara! Hi, how are you? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) N
o, I understand. Yeah. Oh, oh, come on, no, I''m fine. Don''t be si
lly. Yeah... oh, but you know, if-if anything else opens up, plea
—Hello? Hello? (hangs up phone, very depressed)(Rachel goes back
and sits down. The rest don''t know what to say.)Monica: Sorry, Ra
ch.Phoebe: Y''know, there''s gonna be lots of other stuff.Rachel: Y
eah...(sigh)....OK. Where were we? Oh, OK... five card draw, uh..
. jacks or better... nothing wild, everybody ante.Joey: Look, Rac
hel, we don''t have to do this.Rachel: Yes, we do. (pause)Monica:
Alright, check.Joey: Check.Ross: I''m in for fifty cents. (throws
it in)Chandler: Call.Phoebe: I''m in.Rachel: I see your fifty cent
s... and I raise you... five dollars. (throws it in)Ross: I thoug
ht, uh... it was a fifty cent limit.Rachel: Well, I just lost a j
ob, and I''d like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a
problem with that?(Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross,
who thinks about it.)Rachel: (to Ross): Loser?(Chandler, Monica,
Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.)Ross: No,
I fold. (lays cards down, and gets up)Rachel: What do you mean,
you fold? Hey, come on! What is this? I thought that ''once the ca
rds were dealt, I''m not a nice guy.'' I mean, what, were you just
full of it?(Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks up h
is cards.)Ross: I''m in. (throws in chips)Rachel: How many you wan
t?Ross: One. (Rachel gives him the card.)Rachel: Dealer takes two
. (she deals herself two cards) What do you bet?Ross: I bet two d
ollars. (throws it in)Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise y
ou twenty. (throws it in)Ross: I see your twenty, raise you twent
y-five. (throws it in)(The other four look amazed at the large po
t.)Rachel: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, get my purse.
(Monica gets up, looks in Rachel''s purse.)Monica: Rachel, there''s
nothing in it.Rachel: OK, then get me your purse.(Monica gets Ra
chel her purse.)Monica: OK, here you go. Good luck.Rachel: (to Mo
nica): Thank you. (to Ross): I saw your twenty-five, and I raise
you... seven.Phoebe: ...teen! (throws in a ten-dollar bill)(Ross
looks in his wallet, pulls out two dollars.)Ross: (to Joey): Joey
, I''m a little shy.Joey: That''s OK, Ross, you can ask me. What?(R
oss looks at Joey, dumbfounded at his stupidity.)Chandler: (to Ro
ss): What do you need, what do you need?Ross: Fifteen.Chandler: A
lright, here''s ten. (gives it to him)Joey: Here, I got five, I go
t five. (Ross takes the money)Ross: Thank you.Chandler: Good luck
.Ross: (to Rachel): OK, I am calling your seventeen. What do you
got?(Long pause as they both look at each other.)Rachel: (lays do
wn cards) Full house.(Ross stares at her. Thinks about it. Puts c
ards on table, face down.)Ross: You got me.(Monica and Phoebe get
up and start celebrating in the kitchen, pouring wine and singin
g. Rachel, shocked, goes to join them.)Joey: (to Ross): Ahhh, tha
t''s alright. Y''know, that''s a tough hand to beat.Chandler: (to Ro
ss): I thought we had them!Ross: Oh, well, when you don''t have th
e cards, you don''t have the cards, you know. (looks at Rachel) Bu
t, uh... look how happy she is. (smiles)(Chandler and Joey look a
t her, and then look back at him. They dive for Ross''s hand to se
e what he had, and he tries to stop them from looking.)Closing Cr
edits[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, all six are playing Pictionary
at Monica''s apartment. Monica is drawing a picture, and the three
guys are guessing. She draws what looks like an airplane.]Chandl
er: Airplane! Airport! Airport ''75! Airport ''77! Airport ''79!(Tim
er goes off.)Rachel: Oh, time''s up.Monica: (pointing at the drawi
ng, upset) Bye... bye... BIRDIE.Joey: Oh!Phoebe: That''s a bird?(M
onica glares at Phoebe.)Phoebe: That''s a bird!(Monica sits, Rache
l gets up.)Rachel: OK, OK, it''s my turn. (reads the answer)Chandl
er: Go.(Rachel starts drawing what looks like a bean.)Ross: Uh...
. bean! Bean!(Rachel begins tapping the picture of the bean frant
ically.)Joey: (triumphantly) The Unbearable Likeness of Being!Rac
hel: Yes!Monica: That, you get? That, you get?(Monica picks up a
glass to take a drink, everyone ducks as though she was about to
throw it.)End118 玩扑克瑞秋，履历表已用完了你真想到《大众机械师》上班吗?如果你真想为技工工作那倒是可以试试各位，
我什么都得试试我不能再当服务生了我是说真的，我已厌倦微薄小费我已厌倦别人对我说“麻烦一下”瑞秋，这些你已校对过了吗?对，有问题吗?
没事,他们对你的“电恼”技巧一定会印象深刻的糟了，每一份上面都这样吗?没有，复印机弄掉一些了各位两位小姐，需要什么吗?信件带来了没
有?这里有很多我们这儿当然有烤饼快念给我听亲爱的格林小姐，感谢您的询问，然而…我们有苹果肉桂…亲爱的格林小姐…好……好……好……没
戏。怎么了?你信用卡的帐单不小呀.给我我真不敢相信琳达那么好你为何不再和她约会?我也不知道是因为她认为“石头族真有可能发生”的事吗
?（科幻电影情节）不只是因为那样因为我要一个能让我有感觉能让我心跳加速，让我…变成拜倒裙下的玩物？什么?你不是渴望着她吗?谁?蒂，
《发生何事》中那个尖酸刻薄的女孩我早就忘了她，行吗?你们怎么样？我们很好闭嘴我们什么都没说怎么了？昨晚乔伊哭了谢谢我们在玩扑克牌“
3”上面沾了点巧克力，看起来像是“8”，仅此而已可惜你没看到他说“开牌，你们哭吧”结果哭的是他为什么你们从没和我们玩过扑克牌?对，
为什么?好像这是男人的专利，好像是有性别歧视的男人的专利，好像这是扑克，所以就是男人的专利？才怪，女生也欢迎加入好，那么为什么……
是不是……就好像……好像……算了，反正为什么?只是刚好女生没加入我们罢了对，我们刚好找不到会玩扑克的女生拜托，这个借口真烂。男人们
都是这种反应请问你们谁会玩扑克牌吗?不会但你们可以教我们不好，现在开始抽牌。我不需要换牌，对吧?因为我有一条顺太好了恭喜了菲比，你
要几张?我需要两张黑桃10和梅花6不，你不能那样做等等，我有你要的黑桃谢谢不…不能那样不……没问题，我不需要，我要的是4。呃,你…
…我们有鲑鱼拼盘和水果色拉莫妮卡，你在干什么?我们正在玩牌所以食物的名称不能超过一个词比如：薯片，蘸汁，脆饼…现在,发牌的人……知
道了开始来真的吧大钱出，大钱进你真的要开始?菲比刚刚扔了一张J，因为他们看起来好像不开心我准备好了，发牌吧最终提醒，最终提醒乔伊，
3！8！8！3！发牌吧该死，该死，该死！我明白了，你们是在骗我骗你什么?骗我你们的牌有多好我在唬你们什么是唬?不就是骗的同义字吗?
抱歉，我不能再玩了我在明天工作前得打好履历表瑞秋，我们得算帐(定居)什么定居?在维吉尼亚的詹姆斯城殖民地乔治三世把土地给我所以……
（历史上的乔治三世对北美殖民地采取强硬态度，最终导致美国革命）赌局。瑞秋，这是赌局，在赌局上你欠我们钱哦，好你们知道吗? 这是她们
的第一次别和她们计较钱了不好，我们会付钱的莫妮卡，我有另一个答案了“好呀”知道吗?我们要再来一次行，我又有钱花了这么说你们的组合家
俱都用朋友的钱买来的是呀没错，而且我是在“宜家家俱”买的得自己动手装，不过便宜许多瑞秋，这是玩扑克。赌博就是要赢钱，为使我能赢钱，
别人就得输。如果想和我玩牌，就别指望我手下留情。因为牌一发出，然后呢?我就六亲不认。两位，有东西吃了。这是从“我爱瑞秋”比萨屋买的
吗?你们还在取笑我?别这样嘛，为何学起黑社会说话？“玩起牌来，我六亲不认。”你扯太远了我可不这么认为，因为“我认为你爱她”不，或许
我曾对她有意思，不过现在早已没有感觉了我…马修你碰那CD碟干吗?不能再放上去，马修如果你再按“播放”，我就要给你好看你知道罗斯那混
蛋有多烂吗?我知道，他实在太好强了。怎么了?喂，凯蒂，我是莫妮卡，你是黑人。拜托我没像罗斯那么烂我不这么认为，“猜字”游戏那件事呢
?我不是故意的。我在做手势时盘子不小心脱手了。我有面试通知了！我有面试通知了！真的？哪里的？第五大道萨克斯瑞秋瑞秋，这就像是旗舰在
叫你归队是什么工作?采购助理，我要靠购物……来谋生了听着，是艾莉丝姑姑。她从五岁起便开始玩牌她说的每个字我们都得牢记在心东尼?蓝道
（著名的演员）死了?我想没有吧。为什么这么问？现在可能已经死了，因为我开车撞到他了。天啊……真的吗？不，唬你们的，第一课告诉你们，
玩牌听到的每个字都是狗屁不错的耳环。谢……坐吧，各位艾莉丝姑姑，这位是菲比，她叫瑞秋我的车停在计时器前，开始吧。罗斯，我们能听点别
的吗?好吧我今晚可要倒大楣了嗨嗨猜猜看怎么样，快猜猜看，猜一猜！第五个牙医也终于屈服了？他们现在都推荐Trident香口胶了？（香
口胶广告：4/5的牙医推荐Trident）不，是面试，她喜欢我我们谈了两个半小时我们对服饰的品味一致，我以前还和她的表妹一起去过露
营这工作简直是太棒了。我可以胜任，我能办到。太好了……然后她告诉我最好笑的事很好，你讲时我们一定会笑的。玩牌吧各位听好，我们谈过此
事，如果你想不玩我们完全了解对，我们可以玩别的像“猜字”之类的真好笑我们想再给扑克牌一次机会是不是，小姐们?对，我们应该瑞秋，需要
我来洗牌吗?不用了，我想自己试试来吧菲比输7块5，莫妮卡输10块，瑞秋输……15大元谢谢教我们“斜眼玛丽”。我们自己玩的时候也可以
用，这是我的7块5，你得知道这钱已受到诅咒什么?我已对它下咒花这些钱的人会倒大楣无所谓，我要了。我反正够倒楣的了。这样我才能看场电
影喘口气才刚离开“格林”扑克牌机就欠15块男生都这副德行我是大男人，我有“小弟弟”，我得赢钱增加力量以征服女人知道吗?还没结束我们
会再找你们玩而且我们会赢你们会输你们会求饶，我们会大笑我们会赢走你们的每一分钱你们会永远恨死自己我们的意见一致，莫妮卡现在可以交出
钱来吗?如此我们就不必正式玩了不，我倒要看看谁笑到最后，猴子男聊完了没?可以开始玩真的没?你们看，独眼杰克（J）到处跟踪我好，玩真
的不好意思，你要上哪儿去?浴室你想上厕所还是玩牌?我想上厕所好吧，我去订比萨不，我仍等着工作的电话通知。比萨店9点才关门，你那时候
再吃吧行，我含薄荷糖提神未见牌不得下注，下注吧下！不下。你的钱是我的了，格林你的拉链没拉上，盖勒我刚刚才意识到“Joker”（爱开
玩笑的人）是有“J”的“poker”（扑克牌）巧合吗？那是J碰巧和一个C在一起.菲比?我不跟了我跟我也跟我也跟，你拿什么牌?你最好
逃出浴室因为我有个同花(冲马桶)慢着，慢着。回来吧，小子因为我拿了四张六我赢了，是我赢了。我想罗斯的钱得让我赚了我想这是罗斯的那个
也是罗斯的我赚到你的钱你再无法见到它你的拉链依然没拉上我让你低头看了我跟不了。莫妮卡？莫妮卡,跟还是不跟?我讨厌玩牌乔伊，你呢?我
像是被满脸伤痕的胖子撞到肚子的二流妓女我不跟罗斯?我跟钱德?不跟我也一样,瑞秋?我不但跟而且还要加注如何?还想再浪费钱吗?这一回不
会快嘛，给我看给我看不！拿开你的手！给我看吧不我有同样的约会经验天啊，你真是输不起的家伙你的脸涨得好红太阳穴的小血管都露出来了而且
衣裤并不相称第一，我没输别再谈输了，快发牌吧，你输定了瑞秋格林请稍等一下这是有关工作的电话芭芭拉，你好吗?嗯不，我明白不，我没事，
快别这么说是否还有其他职缺请人?喂？ 喂？我很遗憾,瑞秋工作满街都是嗯玩到哪儿了?拿五张牌J比较好，大家下注瑞秋，别再玩了要玩,下
注过过我下5毛钱跟跟我跟你的5毛钱而且我要加…5块钱我以为5毛是上限我刚失去工作，所以想加到5块。各位有问题吗?当然没有不跟了我也
不跟输家退出退出是什么意思?怎么了?你不是发牌后就六亲不认的狠角色?还是只是虚张声势?我跟要几张牌?一张庄家两张下多少？二块我跟,
再加你20块哇我跟你20块再加25块跟你25块莫妮卡，拿我的皮包来瑞秋，里面没钱那就拿你的皮包来给你，祝好运谢谢，跟你25块，再加
7块……再加10块！乔伊，我的钱有点不够没问题，你可以向我借要多少?15块这里有10块我这里有5块-谢谢，祝你好运跟你十七块，你拿
什么牌?葫芦（三带二）你赢了看,输给她们了我以为我们会赢没有好牌就是没有好牌瞧，她多开心飞机，机场，机场75，机场77，机场79时
间到再见…小鸟那是小鸟?那就是小鸟!该我了开始豆，大豆!-生命中无法承受的轻！-答对了!这样就能猜中?这样就能猜中？！119 Th
e One Where the Monkey Gets Away[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is t
alking to a customer.]Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Ear
l Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley,
Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there''s one more, um.. Lemon Soother
. You''re not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? (Guy shakes
his head) Okay.Opening Credits[Scene: Central Perk, Monica enter
s with some mail.]Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.Rac
hel: Thank you. (Examines it) Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee!Mon
ica: Oh good! ''Cause where else would we get any?Rachel: Oh. Righ
t. ...Oh great.Monica: What is it?Rachel: Country club newsletter
. My mother sends me the engagement notices for ''inspiration.'' Oh
my God! Oh my God, it''s Barry and Mindy!Monica: Barry who you al
most...?Rachel: Barry who I almost.Monica: And Mindy, your maid o
f...?Rachel: Mindy, my maid of. Oh!Monica: (Takes it) That''s Mind
y? Wow, she is pretty. (Sees Rachel''s look) Lucky. To have had a
friend like you.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Rachel and Ross are
eating Chinese.]Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c''mon. Bring me
the rice, c''mon. Good boy. Good boy. C''mere, gimme the rice. (Mar
cel brings the rice) Thank you, good boy. Well, I see he''s finall
y mastered the difference between ''bring me the'' and ''pee in the''
. (Rachel ignores him) ''Bring me the'' and- Rach?Rachel: What?Ross
: Hi.Rachel: Oh, I''m sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave
Barry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I''m happy for
them.Ross: Really.Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be differ
ent if I were- with somebody.Ross: Whoah, uh, what happened to, u
h, ''Forget relationships! I''m done with men!'' The whole, uh, peni
s embargo?Rachel: Oh, I don''t know. I guess it''s not about no guy
s, it''s about the right guy, y''know? I mean, with Barry, it was s
afe and it was easy, but there was no heat. With Paolo, that''s al
l there was, was heat! And it was just this raw, animal, sexual..
.Ross: Wait-wait. I, I got it. I was there.Rachel: Well, I mean,
do you think you can ever have both? Y''know? Someone who''s like,
who''s like your best friend, but then also can make your toes cur
l?Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it''s funny, ver
y often, someone who you wouldn''t think could-could curl your toe
s, might just be the one who...(Enter the other four)Monica: Hi.R
oss: ...Gets interrupted. Hi!Rachel: Hi, how was the movie?Monica
: Wonderful!Phoebe: So good!Joey: Suck-fest.Chandler: Toootal chi
ck-flick.Phoebe: I-I''m sorry it wasn''t one of those movies with,
like, y''know, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast..
.Joey: Hey, I don''t need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so long
as there''s a little nudity.Monica: There was nudity!Joey: I meant
female nudity. Alright? I don''t need to see Lou Grant frolicking
.Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant!Ross: Alright, I''ve gotta go
. C''mon, Marcel! C''mon! We''re gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, a
ren''t we? Yes, we are.Chandler: They''re still just friends, right
?Rachel: (To Marcel) And I will see you tomorrow!Ross: That''s rig
ht, you''re gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel''s, aren''t you.Moni
ca: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?Ross
: ''Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?'' Oh, unclench. You''re not even go
nna be there.[Scene: Joe-G''s Pizza, the guys are there.]Chandler:
I can''t believe we are even having this discussion.Joey: I agree
. I''m, like, in disbelief.Chandler: I mean, don''t you think if th
ings were gonna happen with Rachel, they would''ve happened alread
y?Ross: I''m telling you, she said she''s looking for a relationshi
p with someone exactly like me.Joey: She really said that?Ross: W
ell, I added the ''exactly like me'' part... But she said she''s loo
king for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.Joey: ''To
night'' tonight?Ross: Well, I think it''s perfect. Y''know, it''s jus
t gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my mon
key...Chandler: I can''t remember the last time I got a girl to ta
ke care of my monkey.Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I''d go pi
ck up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.Cha
ndler: Hey, y''know what you should do? You should take her back t
o the 1890''s, when that phrase was last used.[Scene: Monica and R
achel''s, Rachel is taking care of Marcel and they are watching a
soap opera.]Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that''s D
r. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there
''s Raven. We hate her. We''re glad she''s dying. Okay- (Marcel push
es down a cushion to reveal a shoe) Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playi
ng with Monica''s shoes? You know you''re not supposed to pl- whoah
. Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? (Takes the shoe into the kitch
en) Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh! (She notices the newsletter and t
aps the contents of the shoes onto it, then folds it shut) Sorry,
Barry. Little engagement gift. I''m sure you didn''t register for
that. (She leaves the apartment holding the newsletter at arm''s l
ength. However, she leaves the door open. Marcel runs out in the
opposite direction. There is a shot from the TV and Rachel runs b
ack in) Who died? Who died? Roll him over! Oh, c''mon, roll him ov
er! Oh...! Well, we know it wasn''t Dexter, right Marcel? Because-
(Looks down and notices he is missing) Marcel? Marc- (Notices th
e open door)[Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe is back
at Monica and Rachel''s.]Joey: How could you lose him?Rachel: I d
on''t know. We were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica''s sh
oe-Monica: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one?Rachel: I don''t
know. The left one.Monica: Which ones?Rachel: Oh. Oh, those littl
e clunky Amish things you think go with everything.Phoebe: (Enter
ing) Hey. All: Hi.Phoebe: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so n
egative?Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel.Phoebe: Oh no, how?Monica: H
e- he pooped in my shoe.Phoebe: Which one?Monica: Those cute litt
le black ones I wear all the time.Phoebe: No, which one? The righ
t or left? ''Cause the left one is lucky...Rachel: C''mon, you guys
, what''re we gonna do, what''re we gonna do?Joey: Alright alright.
You''re a monkey. You''re loose in the city. Where do you go?Chand
ler: Okay, it''s his first time out, so he''s probably gonna wanna
do some of the touristy things. I''ll go to Cats, you go to the Ru
ssian Tea Room.Rachel: Oh, my, God, c''mon, you guys! He''s gonna b
e home any minute! He''s gonna kill me!Monica: Okay, we''ll start w
ith the building. You guys take the first and second floor, Phoeb
e and I''ll take third and fourth.Rachel: Well, what''m I gonna do?
What''m I gonna do?Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by
the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you.
(They all leave)Rachel: Anybody wanna trade? Oh...[Cut to a hallw
ay in the building, Monica and Phoebe are knocking on a door. Mr.
Heckles emerges.]Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want?Monica: Mr. Heckles,
our friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it?Mr. Heckles: I left a
Belgian waffle out here, did you take it?Monica: No!Phoebe: Why
would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?Mr. Heckles: I wa
sn''t ready for it.Monica: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey?Mr. He
ckles: Saw Regis Philbin once...Phoebe: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heck
les. (They move off)Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle.[Cut to Moni
ca and Rachel''s.]Rachel: (On the phone) Okay, he''s a, he''s a blac
k capuchian monkey with a white face... (Enter Ross) ...with, wit
h Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks.Ros
s: Hey. How did, uh, how''d it go today?Rachel: Great! It went gre
at. Really great. Hey, is that wine?Ross: Yeah. You, uh, you want
some?Rachel: Oh, I would love some. But y''know what? Y''know what
? Let''s not drink it here. I''m feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go
to Newark?Ross: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but before we h
ead off to the murder capital of the North-East, I was, uh, kinda
wanting to run something by you. Y''know how we were, uh, y''know,
talking before about, uh, relationships and stuff? (Uncorks the
wine) Well-Rachel: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this.Ross: Okay, qui
ck and painful. (Starts to cork the wine) Rachel: Oh God... Okay.
Alright. Alright. Okay. Ross, please don''t hate me.Ross: Oh, wha
t? What-what?Rachel: Y''know Marcel?Ross: ...Yeah?Rachel: Well, I
kind of... I kind of lost him.[Cut to outside the window, with Ro
ss reacting with disbelief. The shot pans back until we see Marce
l sitting on the window ledge.]Commercial Break[Scene: Monica and
Rachel''s, continued from earlier.]Ross: (Angry) I- I- I ca- I ca
n''t believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in t
he apartment.Rachel: I know, I know, I''m sorry-Ross: No, y''know w
hat, I guess it''s partially my fault. Y''know, I shouldn''t''ve, uh,
asked you to start off with a monkey. I should''ve started you of
f with like a pen or a pencil.Rachel: (Tearfully) Ross, I''m doing
everything that I can, I''ve got everybody looking for him, and I
- (Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it) Oh! Who is it?Interco
m: Animal Control.Rachel: See? I''ve even called Animal Control!Ro
ss: You called Animal Control?Rachel: Uh-huh... why... do you not
like them?Ross: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I''m not allo
wed to have him in the city. If they find him, they''ll take him a
way from me.Rachel: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever told us
that...Ross: That''s right, I.. ''cause I didn''t expect you were go
nna invite them to the apartment!(A knock on the door. Rachel swi
ftly opens it)Rachel: Hi, thanks for coming.Luisa: (Animal Contro
l) Somebody called about a monkey?Rachel: Oh, y''know what? That w
as a complete misunderstanding! (Ross puts his arms around her an
d they act all sweetness and light)Ross: Yeah, we thought we had
a monkey, but we-we didn''t.Rachel: Turned out it was a hat.Ross:
Cat!Rachel: Cat! What''m I saying? Cat!(Luisa nods, but then Monic
a and Phoebe run in)Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth f
loor, no-one''s seen Marcel.Luisa: Marcel?Ross: My uncle Marcel.Ph
oebe: Oh, is that who the monkey''s named after?Luisa: Oookay. Are
you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh, punishabl
e by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal?Pho
ebe: Oh my God. You''d put that poor little creature in jail?Monic
a: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly
to yourself first?Phoebe: Yes, but there isn''t always time!Monic
a: Look. I''m sure there''s some friendly way to reconcile this! Um
, have a seat. First of all, we haven''t been introduced, I''m Moni
ca Geller.Luisa: Oh my God, you are! And you''re Rachel Green!Rach
el: Yeah!Luisa: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you gu
ys in home room!Rachel: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It''s Luisa!Moni
ca: The Luisa from home room!Rachel: Yes!!Luisa: You have no idea
who I am, do you.Monica: No, none at all.Rachel: None.Luisa: Wel
l, maybe that''s because you spent four years ignoring me. I mean,
would it have been so hard to say ''Morning, Luisa''? Or ''Nice ove
ralls''?Monica: Oh, I''m- I''m so sorry!Luisa: Ah, it''s not so much
you, you were fat, you had your own problems. (To Rachel) But you
? What a bitch!Rachel: What?!Monica: Be that as it may, d''you thi
nk you could just help us out here on that monkey thing? Y''know,
just for old times'' sake? Go Bobcats?Luisa: I could... but I won''
t. If I find that monkey, he''s mine. (Leaves)Phoebe: Dun-dun-duuu
ur! Sorry.[Cut to another part of the building. We see Marcel jum
p in through a window and run down some stairs, then Chandler and
Joey come down from the upper floor without noticing.]Chandler:
Marcel?Joey: Marcel?Chandler: Marcel?Joey: Marcel?(They come to a
door and silently agree to try it. A very sweaty woman emerges)W
oman No. 1: Hi, can I help you?(Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck
for a moment)Chandler: Um, we''re kind of having an emergency and
we-we were looking for something...Joey: A monkey.Chandler: Yes h
ave you seen any?Woman No. 1: No. No, haven''t seen a monkey. Do y
ou know anything about fixing radiators?Joey: Um, sure! Did you,
uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?Woman No. 1:
Of course.Joey: Oh. Then, no.(Another sweaty woman comes to the d
oor and speaks to her friend)Woman No. 2: Did I put too much rum
in here?(Joey and Chandler shoot each other glances)Woman No. 1:
Just a sec. (To Chandler and Joey) Hope you find your monkey. (Sh
e starts to shut the door)Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! U
h... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do h
ave a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... m
ileu.Joey: Uh, aren''t we kind of in the middle of something here?
Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our he
lp! And they''re very hot.Joey: We can''t, alright? (To the women)
We''re sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but... We promised we''d
find this monkey. If you see him, he''s about yea high and answers
to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you
''d really be helping us out.(The women quickly shut the door)Chan
dler: Okay, from now on, you don''t get to talk to other people.Jo
ey: Marcel?Chandler: Marcel?![Cut to Monica and Phoebe searching
the basement.]Phoebe: Marcel?Monica: Marcel?Phoebe: Marcel?Both:
Marcel?Phoebe: Oh-my-God!Monica: Whaaat!Phoebe: Something just br
ushed up against my right leg!Monica: What is it?Phoebe: Oh, it''s
okay, it was just my left leg.(Marcel makes a monkeyish noise. H
e is sitting in the corner)Monica: Look, Phoebe!Phoebe: Yeah! Oh,
c''mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c''mere!(Luisa appears on the stairs)
Luisa: Step aside, ladies! (She loads a gun)Monica: What''re you g
onna do?Luisa: Just a small tranquiliser.(In slow motion we see P
hoebe look at Marcel, then at Luisa. She jumps toward Marcel just
as Luisa fires the gun.)Monica: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! (
Marcel runs off and Luisa runs after him. Monica goes to check up
on Phoebe) Are you okay?Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! (She notices
the tranquiliser dart has hit her in the butt and removes it) Hu
h. (Sways back) Whoah.Monica: Oh gosh.[Cut to Marcel walking alon
g a hallway. He notices a banana on the floor and picks it up. Th
e hand of an unseen person grabs him and carries him away. Then c
ut to Ross and Rachel on the street outside.]Ross: Marcel?Rachel:
Marcel?Ross: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We''ve been all over t
he neighbourhood. He''s gone, he''s-he''s just gone.Rachel: Ross, yo
u don''t know that.Ross: Oh come on. It''s cold, it''s dark, he does
n''t know the Village. (Kicks a sign in frustration) And now I hav
e a broken foot. I have no monkey, and a broken foot! Thank you v
ery much.Rachel: Ross, I said I''m sorry like a million times. Wha
t do you want me to do? You want me to break my foot too? Okay, I
''m gonna break my foot, right here. (Kicks the sign) Ow!! Oh! Oh
my God, oh my God! There, are you happy now?!Ross: Yeah, yeah. Y''
know, now that you kicked the sign, hey! I don''t miss Marcel any
more!Rachel: Y''know, it is not like I did this on purpose.Ross: O
h, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. I mean, things ju
st sort of happen around you. I mean, you''re off in Rachel-land,
doing your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people''s monkeys, o
r to people''s feelings...Rachel: Ross.Ross: I don''t even wanna he
ar it, you''re just...Rachel: Ross.Ross: Oh, forget it, okay?Rache
l: Ross!Ross: What? What?(A man carrying a box of bananas walks p
ast them. They stare for a minute and then hobble after him)Both:
Hey! Hey, Bananaman!(Scene 4: Everyone in the hall outside Mr. H
eckles'' door. Ross is carrying the box of bananas. He bangs on th
e door)Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is tot
ally asleep, and the other side has no idea.(Mr. Heckles opens th
e door)Ross: Hi, did you order some bananas?Mr. Heckles: What abo
ut it?Ross: Gimme back my monkey.Mr. Heckles: I don''t have a monk
ey.Rachel: Then what''s with all the bananas?Mr. Heckles: Potassiu
m.(There is a monkey-like noise from within and Ross pushes past
Mr. Heckles and enters his apartment)Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay,
where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel?(Marcel jumps into view
wearing a pink dress. Everybody gasps)Ross: Marcel! What''ve you d
one to him?Mr. Heckles: That''s my monkey. That''s Patti, Patti the
monkey.Ross: Are you insane? C''mere, Marcel, c''mon. (Marcel star
ts to go to him)Mr. Heckles: C''mere, Patti. (Marcel turns round)R
oss: C''mere, Marcel. (Turns to Ross)Mr. Heckles: C''mere, Patti. (
Turns to Mr. Heckles)Luisa: (Out of shot) Here, monkey. Here, mon
key! Here, monkey! (Marcel runs to the door and into Luisa''s cage
, which she slams shut) Gotcha.Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back.M
r. Heckles: That''s my monkey.Luisa: You''re both gonna have to tak
e this up with the judge.Mr. Heckles: That''s not my monkey. Just
the dress is mine, you can send that back whenever.Ross: Alright,
I want my monkey.Luisa: No!Rachel: Oh, c''mon, Luisa!Luisa: Sorry
, prom queen.Ross: (To Rachel) You had to be a bitch in high scho
ol, you couldn''t''ve been fat.Rachel: Alright. In high school I wa
s the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class pre
sident and you... were also there! But if you take this monkey, I
will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can h
ate me if you want, but please do not punish him. C''mon, Luisa, y
ou have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it!Luisa: Nop
e.Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor, an
d I tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart?[Scen
e: Monica and Rachel''s. Rachel and Ross are there. Ross is trying
to get the dress off Marcel.]Ross: It''ll be nice to get this off
finally, won''t it? Yes it will. (Marcel resists) Or we can leave
it on for now, that''s fine.Rachel: Y''know, with the right pair o
f pumps, that would be a great little outfit.Ross: Listen, I''m- I
''m sorry I was so hard on you before, it''s just I...Rachel: Oh, R
oss, c''mon. It''s my fault, I almost lost your...Ross: Yeah, but y
ou were the one who got him back, y''know? You, you were great. ..
.Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in
the mood for, uh, something grape?Rachel: That''d be good.Ross: Al
right. (He goes to get the glasses. Then he hesitates and turns o
ff the main light. Rachel looks round and he acts surprised) The,
uh, the neighbours must be vacuuming. (He sits down and starts t
o pour the wine) Well, so long as we''re here and, uh, not on the
subject, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other b
efore, and, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of
how we, um...(Barry bursts in)Barry: Rachel.Rachel: Barry?!Barry:
I can''t. I can''t do it, I can''t marry Mindy. I think I''m still i
n love with you.Ross and Rachel: Oh!Ross: We have got to start lo
cking that door!Closing Credits[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Joey
, Phoebe, and Chandler are looking through Monica''s high school y
earbook]Monica: This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Tra
pp kids?Phoebe: Nope.Monica: That''s because I''m in front of them.
Chandler: Eh. I thought that was an alp.Monica: Well, high school
was not my favourite time.Joey: I dunno, I loved high school. Y''
know? It was just four years of parties and dating and sex.Chandl
er: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys.
Any sex I had would''ve involved a major lifestyle choice.Monica:
Gosh, doesn''t it seem like a million years ago?Phoebe: Oh. Oooh!
Ooh! Ooh! (She stands up and starts to dance around) Ooh! My butt
cheek is waking up! Oooh! Ooh!End119 猴子被送走 我刚看过了我们有伯爵茶，英式早餐茶肉桂茶，
菊花茶薄荷茶，黑莓茶还有，让我想一下，哦…柠檬派你不是那个要喝茶的人对吧?瑞秋，你有信谢谢酷，免费试喝的咖啡太好了因为在哪儿还有免
费的咖啡?太好了那是什么?乡村俱乐部的每日公报我妈寄来通知有人要订婚了噢,我的天!是巴瑞和明蒂巴瑞，你几乎...巴瑞，我几乎...
明蒂，你的伴娘明蒂，我的伴娘我看看那是明蒂?真漂亮她真幸运…有你这样的朋友马修，拿饭给我，快…真乖，谢谢他终于能分辨”拿来”和”尿
在”的差别了瑞秋,怎么啦?抱歉，我真是太笨了是我不要巴瑞的我应该为他们高兴我真为他们高兴真的?不如果我和别人在一起就不同了你不是说
要忘了那段感情不再和男人在一起厌恶男人吗?我不知道我想这不是没有男人的问题而是合适男人的问题和巴瑞在一起安全自在没有激情和保罗在一
起就充满激情如野兽般原始的性爱好了，我懂，我看过你们两个在一起的样子你认为我能两者同时拥有吗?找到一个能当知己又能让我感受到激情的
人?是呀,我也这么认为.其实说来好笑时常你认为无法让你感受到激情的人却是…被打断了电影如何?很不错很不错逊毙了根本是小妞们看的嘛真
遗撼这不是枪林弹雨公车速度奇快的那种电影暴力并不能吸引我只要有裸体镜头我就满足了那电影也有裸体镜头我是指女生的裸体镜头我不爱看卢葛
兰的春宫休葛兰我得走了走吧，马修，快我们去洗澡对不对?对他们只是朋友吗?明天见对，你明天要到瑞秋阿姨家等等，摩阿姨能说句话吗?摩阿
姨请说别紧张了，你不会在这儿的我无法相信我们竟在讨论此事我同意，我也无法相信你不认为如果你和瑞秋会爱情产生的话还会一直拖到现在吗?
告诉你，她说她在寻找像我这样的人她真的这样说?”像我这样”是我自己加的她说她在寻找某人而此人今晚就会出现今天晚上?这样最好不过了因
为只有我们两个她整天都在照顾我的猴子我早已忘记哪个女人照顾过我的猴子总之下班后我要去买瓶酒去向她”示爱”知道你该怎么做吗?带她回到
用”示爱”的十九世纪去如果你继续这样我发誓这星期内你就可以和这个浑蛋结束围羽毛围巾的是法博土她曾是个男人出现了蕾文我们讨厌她真高兴
她就快死了什么?马修，想玩摩妮卡的鞋吗?你不能玩…马修，你在鞋里大便?天啊，坏猴子抱歉，巴瑞，订婚礼物我相信你没登记谁死了?翻过去
不是崔斯勒 马修?因为…马修…你怎会把它弄丢了呢?天晓得我正在看电视它在摩妮卡的鞋内大便它在我的鞋里大便?我不知道，左脚哪一双?搭
配什么都好看的阿米许鞋为何一片愁云惨雾?瑞秋把马修弄丢了不会吧，怎么丢的?它在我鞋里大便哪个?我常穿的那只黑鞋是哪一只?左脚还右脚
?因为左脚是幸运鞋大家快想办法我们该怎么办?有了，如果你是只猴子迷失在大城市时你会去哪儿?这是它第一次出门所以大概和一般游客一样我
去百老汇找.你去俄罗斯茶坊.别再闹了他马上就会回家他不会饶过我的我们从这栋公寓开始找起你们找一楼和二楼菲此和我找三楼和四楼我该怎么
办?你留在家里等电话在我鞋内啧芳香剂顺便等罗斯回来杀你有人要交换吗?干嘛?哈先生我们朋友遗失了一只猴子你有看见吗?我放了威化饼在这
儿是不是你拿了?不!你怎会放威化饼在走廊?我还不想吃你有看见猴子吗?我见到过一次”理吉斯菲邦”（著名电视节目主持人）谢谢你，哈先生
你们欠我威化饼他是一只白脸的黑卷尾猴加俄国酱外加腌黄瓜好，谢谢今天过得如何?很好啊很好啊真的很不错.那是酒吗?是的,想喝吗?可是我
们别在这儿喝我感觉有点疯狂我们去纽华克好吗?什么?当然可以去前往这东北犯罪首府我有些话想说我们曾谈过感情的问题罗斯，我受不了了你回
绝得倒是很快嘛好吧，罗斯，别恨我到底是什么?马修它…我把它…弄丢了我真不敢相信我只是麻烦你别让它跑出去我知道，对不起不，我该负一半
的责任我不该叫你照顾猴子应该叫你照顾笔才对罗斯，我已尽最大的努力我已叫大家分头去找是谁?动物控制中心.瞧，我甚至打给动物控制中心你
打给动物控制中心?怎么了?你不喜欢他们?马修是非法的外来动物我是非法饲养万一被他们找到他们就会带走它你从来就没有告诉大家没错，因为
我没想到你会请他们来谢谢你来有人遗失猴子?对，这是个误会我以为我们有养猴子但是我们没有结果是帽子猫猫猫，我刚说什么?我们问过三楼和
四楼没人看见马修我叔叔马修那猴子是以你叔叔命名?你知道持有非法外来动物可判刑两年并没收动物?天啊，你要把猴子关进监牢?菲比，你记得
如何先对自己小声说吗?记得，但总不是时候.我相信我们能以友善的处理方式请坐首先，我们还没自己介绍我叫摩妮卡天啊，你是莫尼卡还有，你
是瑞秋对吗?露莎，林肯高中我坐在你们后面露莎摩妮卡，是露莎是在后面那个?没错.你们根本不知道我是谁对不?不,一点也不.或许你们那四
年都在当我不存在难道说”早安，露莎”或”好漂亮的连身裤”有那么困难吗?对不起我不怪你，你当时很胖你有自己的烦恼可是你实在是个贱货什
么?别计较了你真认为你能帮我们找猴子?看在过去的份上?帮我们找我可以，我不找到猴子后它就是我的了抱歉马修?马修?需要帮忙吗?我们有
急事我们在找东西猴子对，你有看见吗?我没看见猴子你知道如何修理散热器吗?当然你试过将转钮转回去吗?当然那我就不知道了试试这个是不是
加太多兰姆酒了?等等，希望你们能找到猴子不，等等我们对散热器或许不太懂我们可是冷暖环境的专家我们不是正在忙吗?对，她们很热而且需要
帮助而且很火辣我们不行抱歉你们不知道我们有多抱歉我们答应人家要找猴子如果你们看见它它约这么高，名叫马修如果能拥有你们的照片就算是帮
了大忙从现在起不准你和其他人讲话马修?马修?马修?马修?噢,我的天有东西碰到我的右脚是什么?没什么，是我的左脚看，菲此马修，过来…
站过去，两位小姐你要干什么?打镇定剂快跑,马修,快跑!你还好吧?还行.哦马修…这简直是太荒谬了我们到处都找遍了它不见了，就这么消失
了罗斯，还不一定拜托，天气好冷天又黑它根本不认识路现在我的脚又受伤了猴子换来受伤的脚真的感谢你罗斯，我已向你道歉过无数次你到底要我
怎么样?你到底想怎样?你也要我的脚受伤?瞧，高兴了吧对，你踢完路标后我突然不再想念马修了我真的不是故意的当然，这是典型的瑞秋这种事
常发生在你身上你活在自己的世界中完全无视于别人的猴子或是别人的感觉…罗斯我不想听罗斯罗斯搬香蕉的这下可好一边的屁股在睡觉另一边却毫
无所知你有订香蕉吗?那是干吗的?还我的猴子.我没猴子干嘛买一箱香蕉?补充钾马修?它在哪儿?马修?它在哪儿?马修你对它怎么了?这是我
的猴子，它叫佩蒂你疯了不成过来，马修…过来，佩蒂猴子过来…总算逮到你了把我的猴子还给我那是我的猴子你们到法官面前去争吧那不是我的猴
子只有衣服是我的随时可以送回来我要我的猴子露莎，拜托抱歉了，舞会皇后你高中时干嘛那么贱为何不当个胖妹?在学校我是舞会皇后返校皇后和
班代你也在场如果你把猴子带走我将失去我生命中重要的人你可以恨我请别折磨他此时你有机会成为大人物把握机会吧不那么我只好告诉你的长官你
在我朋友的屁股上开了一枪终于能脱去这件衣服或是这样也不错配上鞋就是完整的一套抱歉，我对你这么凶不，这都是我的错我差点…不，它也是你
找回来的你做得很好那瓶酒还在有心情喝杯葡萄酒吗?好呀.很好隔壁一定在用吸尘器只要我们在这儿不谈那个话题我在想我们刚刚实在是恶言相向
大概是因为我们…瑞秋我办不到我无法和明蒂结婚我想我爱的人依然是你我们得开始锁门了这是演”真善美”的我看见范崔普的孩子吗?没有因为我
挡在他们前面我以为那是阿尔卑斯山我的高中时代并不如意我爱高中,知道吗?那只是.四年的舞会，约会和做爱是吗?我上住宿的学校和四百个男
孩子每次做爱都是一次生活方式的重大抉择天啊，那不是回到史前时代?我的屁股醒了120 The One With the Evil O
rthodontist[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, everyone is there.]Chandl
er: I can''t believe you would actually say that. I would much rat
her be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty.Joey: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor
, all right, he''s got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is.Ros
s: I don''t know, you don''t wanna mess with corn nuts. They''re cra
aazy.Monica: (looking out of the window) Oh my God. You guys! You
gotta come see this! There''s some creep out there with a telesco
pe!Ross: I can''t believe it! He''s looking right at us!Rachel: Oh,
that is so sick.Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good way
.Phoebe: How can people do that?... (All but Phoebe walk away fro
m the window in disgust.) Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got
gravity boots!Opening Credits[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but R
achel is there.]Chandler: I am telling you, years from now, schoo
lchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all
time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we did
n''t have to play any games...Monica: So have you called her yet?C
handler: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (The girl
s make disgusted noises.) It''s the next day! How needy do I want
to seem? (To the guys) I''m right, right?Joey and Ross: Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Let her dangle.Monica: I can''t believe my parents are actua
lly pressuring me to find one of you people.Phoebe: Oh, God, just
do it! (Grabbing the phone.) Call her! Stop being so testosteron
ey!Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat.
(Calls her, then hurriedly hangs up.) I got her machine.Joey: Her
answer machine?Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leaf blowe
r picked up.Phoebe: So, uh, why didn''t you say anything?Chandler:
Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended
up using the phrase "Yes indeedy-o."Monica: Look look! It''s Rache
l and Barry. No, don''t everybody look at once!Ross: Okay, okay, w
hat''s going on?Phoebe: Okay, they''re just talking...Ross: Yeah, w
ell, does he look upset? Does he look like he was just told to sh
ove anything?Phoebe: No, no actually, he''s smiling.. and... Oh my
God, don''t do that!!Ross: What? What? What?!Phoebe: That man acr
oss the street just kicked that pigeon! (Rachel enters.) Oh!Chand
ler: (bluffing) And basically, that''s how a bill becomes a law.Al
l: Oh!... Right!Chandler: Hey Rach!Monica: How''d it go?Rachel: Y''
know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took me to lu
nch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y''know
you poke it and all the butter squirts out...Phoebe: Not a good
day for birds...Rachel: Then we took a walk down to Bendall''s, an
d I told him not to, but he got me a little bottle of Chanel...Ro
ss: That''s nice... now, was that before or after you told him to
stop calling, stop sending you flowers and to generally leave you
alone, hmm?Rachel: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to tha
t... Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, y''know? It was com
fortable, it was familiar... it was just nice!Ross: That''s, that''
s nice twice!Monica: Rachel, what''s going on? I mean isn''t this t
he same Barry who you left at the altar?Joey: Duh, where''ve you b
een?Rachel: Yeah, but it was different with him today! And he was
n''t, like, Orthodontist Guy, y''know? I mean, we had fun! Is there
anything wrong with that?(Ross ''prompts'' Chandler by hitting him
on the arm.)Chandler: Yes!Rachel: Why?Chandler: I have my reason
s.Monica: Okay, how about the fact that he''s engaged to another w
oman, who just happens to be your ex-best friend?Rachel: All righ
t. All right, all right, all right, all right, I know it''s stupid
! I will go see him this afternoon, and I will just put an end to
it![Scene: Barry''s Office, the post-coital Barry and Rachel are
recovering on the chair.]Rachel: Wow... Wow!Barry: Yeah.Rachel: I
''m not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that.Barry: Nooo,
it wasn''t.Rachel: Ooh, and it''s so nice having this little sink h
ere...[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, everyone is there except Rache
l.]Chandler: (on phone, reading from a script) Oh, Danielle! I wa
sn''t expecting the machine... Give me a call when you get a chanc
e. (Rattles some dishes) Bye-bye. (Hangs up.) Oh God!Monica: That
''s what you''ve been working on for the past two hours?!Chandler:
Hey, I''ve been honing!Ross: What was with the dishes?Chandler: Oh
, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant.. y''know? I
might have some kind of life, like I haven''t been sitting around
here honing for the past few hours.Monica: (looking out the wind
ow) Look look! He''s doing it again, the guy with the telescope!Ph
oebe: Oh my God! (Walks to the window) Go away! (Gesturing.) Stop
looking in here!Monica: Great, now he''s waving back.Joey: Man, w
e gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him l
ooking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can''t
do stuff!Monica: What kinda stuff?Joey: Will you grow up? I''m not
talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when I''m cooking naked.Phoe
be: You cook naked?Joey: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spa
tters.(A pause as they look at Chandler.)Chandler: What are you l
ooking at me for? I didn''t know that.[Scene: Barry''s Office, Rach
el and Barry are getting married.]Barry: What''s the matter?Rachel
: Oh, it''s just... Oh, Barry, this was not good.Barry: No, it was
. It was very very good.Rachel: Well, what about Mindy?Barry: Oh,
way, way better than Mindy.Rachel: No, not that, I mean, what ab
out you and Mindy?Barry: Well, if you want, I''ll just—I''ll just b
reak it off with her.Rachel: No. No-no-no-no, no. I mean, don''t d
o that. Not, I mean not for me. Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farb
er, Bobby Rush is here for his adjustment.Barry: (into intercom)
Thanks, Bernice. (To Rachel) Let''s go away this weekend.Rachel: O
h, Barry..! Come on, this is all way too..Barry: We can, we can g
o to Aruba! When I went there on what would have been our honeymo
on, it was, uh... it was really nice. You would''ve liked it.(Paus
e as Rachel realises...)Rachel: I had a bra.(Barry finds it drape
d on a cupboard and gives it to Rachel, they kiss as Bobby enters
.)Bobby: Hey, Dr. Farber.(Rachel and Barry quickly split and pret
end Barry is examining Rachel''s mouth.)Barry: All right Miss Gree
n, everything looks fine... Yep, I think we''re starting to see so
me real progress here.(Bobby looks on, deadpan.)Rachel: What?!Bob
by: I''m twelve, I''m not stupid.(Rachel glares at him.)[Scene: Mon
ica and Rachel''s, Chandler enters clutching his phone.]Chandler:
Can I use your phone?Monica: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference,
that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone.(Chandler di
als his own phone and it rings.)Chandler: Yes, it''s working! Why
isn''t she calling me back?Joey: Maybe she never got your message.
Phoebe: Y''know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she
has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didn''t get her messa
ges yet.Chandler: Y''don''t think that makes me seem a little...Ros
s: ...desperate, needy, pathetic?Chandler: Ah, you obviously saw
my personal ad.(He calls and quickly hangs up.)Phoebe: How many b
eeps?Chandler: She answered.Monica: Y''see, this is where you''d us
e that ''hello'' word we talked about.Chandler: I''m not gonna talk
to her, she obviously got my message and is choosing not to call
me. Now I''m needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.(Rach
el enters.)All: Hey! Hi!Phoebe: How''d he take it?Rachel: Pretty w
ell, actually... (Wandering into the kitchen.)Monica: (wandering
in after her) Uh, Rach... how come you have dental floss in your
hair?Rachel: Oh, do I?Monica: Uh huh.Rachel: (in a low voice) We
ended up having sex in his chair.Monica: You had sex in his chair
?!... I said that a little too loudly, didn''t I?Ross: You-you had
what?Phoebe: Sex in his chair.Ross: What, uh... what were you th
inking?Rachel: I don''t know! I mean, we still care about each oth
er. There''s a history there. ''S''like you and Carol.Ross: No! No n
o, it is nothing like me and Carol!Rachel: Please. If she said to
you, "Ross, I want you on this couch, right here, right now," wh
at would you say? (Ross flounders.)Chandler: If it helps, I could
slide over.Ross: It''s, it''s, it''s, uh, a totally diferent situat
ion! It''s, it''s apples and oranges, it''s, it''s orthodontists and
lesbi- I gotta go.Phoebe: Where are you going?Ross: (leaving) I j
ust have to go, all right? Do I need a reason? Huh? I mean I have
things to do with my life, I have a jam packed schedule, and I a
m late- for keeping up with it. Okay?(Ross exits, a phone rings,
and Chandler dives for his phone.)Chandler: Hello? Hello?(Rachel
picks up their phone and the ringing stops.? As she talks on the
phone, an elaborate visual gag is spun out which is too difficult
to describe in words.)Rachel: (on phone) Hello?(Listens) Mindy!
Hi! Hey, how are you? (Listens) Yes, yes, I''ve heard, congratulat
ions, that is so great. (Listens) Really? (Listens) Oh. (Listens)
Okay. Okay, well I''m working tomorrow, but if you want you can,
you can, you can come by and... (Listens) Okay... (Listens) Great
... (Listens) Great... (Listens) All right, so I''ll, so I''ll see
you tomorrow! (Listens) Okay.. (Listens) Okay... (Listens) Bye. (
Hangs up and sits down heavily.) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.Chandler:
So how''s Mindy?Rachel: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh, sh
e sounded really weird, I gotta call Barry... (Does so, on phone)
Hi, it''s me, I just.. Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that''s wh
ere you''d be!Commercial Break[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, the nex
t morning.? Chandler is sitting and staring at his phone.? Monica
enters and creeps up next to Chandler.]Monica: Brrrrrrr!(Chandle
r clutches at his phone before realising.)Chandler: Hell is fille
d with people like you.Joey: (entering) He''s back! The peeper''s b
ack!(Rachel enters from her room.)Joey: (ducking) Get down!Rachel
: Get down?Chandler: ...And boogie!Rachel: Thanks, but I gotta go
to work and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy.Monica: Relax. Y''
know, she may not even know.Rachel: Please. I haven''t heard from
her in seven months, and now she calls me? I mean, what else is i
t about? Oh! She was my best friend, you guys! We went to camp to
gether... she taught me how to kiss..Joey: (intrigued) Yeah?Rache
l: And now, y''know, I''m like... I''m like the other woman! I feel
so..Joey: ..Naughty!Rachel: Right, I''ll see you guys later...Joey
: Oh, hold up, I''ll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she taught
you to kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda
little uniform, or- (Rachel exits and slams the door in his face.
) That''s fine, yeah...(Joey exits.)Chandler: Okay, I''m gonna go t
o the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?Monica: Why don''t you jus
t take it with you?Chandler: Hey, we haven''t been on a second dat
e, she needs to hear me pee?Monica: Why don''t you just call her?C
handler: I can''t call her, I left a message! I have some pride.Mo
nica: Do you?Chandler: No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It''s, uh, it''s C
handler! (Listens) I''m fine. Uh, listen, I don''t know if you trie
d to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut o
ff my phone. (Listens) Oh, uh, okay, that''s fine, that''s great. (
Listens) Okay. (Puts down the phone.) (to Monica) She''s on the ot
her line, she''s gonna call me back. (He starts doing a little jig
.) She''s on the other line, she''s gonna call me back, she''s on th
e other line, gonna call me back...Monica: Don''t you have to pee?
Chandler: ''S''why I''m dancing...[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is se
rving coffee as Mindy enters.]Rachel: Mindy.Mindy: Hey, you.Rache
l: Hey, you.... So, what''s up?Mindy: Um.. we should really be sit
ting for this.Rachel: Sure we should... So.Mindy: Now, I know thi
ngs''ve been weird lately, but you''re like my oldest friend in the
world... Except for maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don''t talk to a
nywhere, ''cause she''s all bitter now that she lost the weight and
it turns out she doesn''t have a pretty face. ....Okay, I''m just
gonna ask you this once, and I want a straight answer.Rachel: Oka
y.Mindy: Will you be my maid of honour?Rachel: Of course!Mindy: O
h that''s so great!Rachel: Was that all you wanted to ask me?Mindy
: That''s all!Rachel: Ohhhh!! (Mindy starts to sob.) ...What? What
?Mindy: That''s not all.Rachel: Oh sure it is!Mindy: Oh no, it isn
''t! No! I think Barry is seeing someone in the city.Rachel: Um, w
hat- what would make you think that?Mindy: Well, ever since we an
nounced the engagement, he''s been acting really weird, and then l
ast night, he came home smelling like Chanel.Rachel: (draws back)
Really. Mindy, if it''ll make you feel any better, when I was eng
aged to him he went through a whole weird thing too.Mindy: Oh God
! You see, that''s what I was afraid of!Rachel: What? What''s what
you were afraid of?Mindy: Okay, okay... when Barry was engaged to
you, he and I...kind of... had a little thing on the side.Rachel
: What?Mindy: I know. I know, and when he proposed to me, everyon
e said "Don''t do it, he''s just gonna do to you what he did to Rac
hel," and now I feel so stupid.Rachel: Uh... Oh, Mindy, you are s
o stupid. Oh, we are both so stupid.Mindy: What do you mean?Rache
l: (offers her arm to Mindy and she sniffs) Smell familiar?Mindy:
Oh no.Rachel: Oh, I am so sorry.Mindy: No me, I am so sorry...(T
hey hug and Joey enters.)Joey: (watches them for a while) Oh my.[
Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Phoebe and Ross are doing a crossword
, Monica is cooking, and Chandler is still staring at his phone.]
Ross: Four letters: "Circle or hoop".Chandler: Ring dammit, ring!
Ross: Thanks.Joey: (entering) Hey, you know our phone''s not worki
ng?Chandler: What?!Joey: I tried to call you from the coffee shop
, and there was no answer.Chandler: (investigating) I turned it o
ff. Mother of God, I turned it off!Monica: Just like you told her
you did! (Chandler glares at her.) ... Just pointing out the iro
ny.Joey: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and talked to t
he doorman- I got the peeper''s name! Can I use the phone?Chandler
: Nngghhh!!!!!!!Joey: (to Monica) Can I use your phone? (On phone
) Yeah, the number for a Sidney Marks, please.Ross: "Heating devi
ce."Phoebe: Radiator.Ross: Five letters.Phoebe: Rdtor.Joey: (on p
hone) Yeah, is Sidney there? (Listens) Oh, this is? (To the gang)
Sidney''s a woman.Monica: So she''s a woman! So what?Joey: Yeah. Y
eah, so what? (On phone) Look, I live across the street, (walking
to the window) and I know all about you and your little telescop
e, and I don''t appreciate it, okay? (Listens) Yeah, I can see you
right now! (Listens) Hello! (Listens) If I wanna walk around my
apartment in my underwear, I shouldn''t have to feel like—(Listens
)—Thank you, but... that''s not really the point... (Listens) The
point is that... (Listens) Mostly free weights, but occasionally.
.Monica: Joey!!Joey: (on phone) Yeah, my neighbor... (Listens) Ye
ah, the brunette... (to Monica) She says you looked very pretty t
he other day in the green dress.Monica: The green dress? Really?J
oey: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day.Monic
a: (waves dismissively to Sidney) Nooo![Scene: Barry''s Office, Ba
rry is preparing his tools alone as Rachel enters.]Rachel: Hey. G
ot a second?Barry: Sure, sure. Come on... (Mindy enters) ...in...
Mindy: Hello, sweetheart.Barry: Uh... uh... what''re''you... what''r
e''you guys doing here?Rachel: Uh, we are here to break up with yo
u.Barry: Both of you?Mindy: Basically, we think you''re a horrible
human being, and bad things should happen to you.Barry: I''m sorr
y... I''m sorry, God, I am so sorry, I''m an idiot, I was weak, I c
ouldn''t help myself! Whatever I did, I only did because I love yo
u so much!Rachel: Uh- which one of us are you talking to there, B
arr?Barry: ....Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was always Mindy
.Rachel: Even when we were having sex in that chair?Barry: (to Mi
ndy) I swear, whatever I was doing, I was always thinking of you.
Rachel: Please! During that second time you couldn''t have picked
her out of a lineup!Mindy: (to Rachel) You did it twice?Rachel: W
ell, the first time didn''t really count... I mean, y''know, ''s''Bar
ry.Mindy: Okay...Barry: (to Mindy) Sweetheart, just gimme- gimme
another chance, okay, we''ll start all over again. We''ll go back t
o Aruba.Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, we''ve got a bit of a
n emergency here...Jason Costalano is choking on his retainer.Bar
ry: Oh God... (Into intercom) I''ll be right there, Bernice. (to M
indy) Look, please, please don''t go anywhere, okay? I''ll be, I''ll
be right back.(Barry exits)Rachel: Okay. Okay, we''ll be here! Ha
ting you! Did you see how he was sweating when he walked out of t
here? Listen honey, if I''m hogging the ball too much you just jum
p right in there and take a couple punches because I''m telling yo
u, this feels great.Mindy: Yeah... I''m pretty sure I''m still gonn
a marry him.Rachel: What are you talking about?! Mindy, the guy i
s the devil! He''s Satan in a smock!Mindy: Look, I know he''s not p
erfect, but the truth is, at the end of the day, I still really w
anna be Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber, D.D.S.Rachel: Oh God. Mindy: I hop
e you can find some way to be happy for me. And I hope you''ll sti
ll be my maid of honor...?Rachel: And I hope Barry doesn''t kill y
ou and eat you in Aruba.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica and R
achel are there.]Monica: You okay?Rachel: Yeah.Monica: Really?Rac
hel: Yeah! Y''know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding,
I have wondered whether I made the right choice. And now I know.M
onica: Aww... (They hug)(Joey enters and looks on approvingly.)Jo
ey: Big day.Closing Credits[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is ther
e.]Joey: All right, I''ll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better dr
esser. I mean he''s got the monocle, he''s got the top hat...Phoebe
: You know he''s gay?Ross: I just wanna clarify this: are you outi
ng Mr. Peanut?Danielle: (entering) Chandler?Chandler: Danielle! H
i! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody.All: Hi.
Hi.Chandler: What are you doing here?Danielle: Well, I''ve been ca
lling you, but it turns out I had your number wrong. And when I f
inally got the right one from Information, there was no answer. S
o I thought I''d just come down here, and make sure you were okay.
Chandler: ...I''m, I''m okay.Danielle: Listen uh, maybe we could ge
t together later?Chandler: That sounds good. I''ll call you- or yo
u call me, whatever...Danielle: You got it.Chandler: Okay.Daniell
e: G''bye, everybody.All: Bye.Phoebe: Whoo-hoo!Monica: Yeah, there
you go!Ross: Second date!Chandler: ...I dunno.Rachel: You don''t
know?!Chandler: Well, she seems very nice and everything, but tha
t whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see
if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that?(They all groan and
hit him..)End120 风流牙医 我真不敢相信你会这么说我是盐先生而非花生先生?才怪，盐先生是个水手他应该是最顽强的点心
我不知道你不会想和玉米作对的它们简直是疯了上帝呀有个变态拿着望远镜我真不敢相信他在看我们真呕心我感觉被冒犯了而且很不爽怎会有人这样
?你们看，丑陋裸男有双重力鞋告诉你们几年后学童将会把它奉为第一次约会的经典加以研读它太令人无法置信我们可以完全作自己无须再玩任何游
戏你打过电话给她没?让她知道我喜欢她?你疯了不成制片：陶德史帝芬真的才第二天你要我显得多渴望?对吧?对,让她慢慢等吧我无法相信我爸
妈强迫我找你们这种男人快，拿起电话打给她别摆出一付臭男人的样子对了，旧金山真有这道菜是机器她的答录机?不，真有意思，是落叶机清扫机
你为何不说话?不行上次我留话时结果说了”对，的确”看，是瑞秋和巴瑞不，别一起看怎么了?他们只是在讲话是吗?他是否神情落寞?他是否像
被告知去死的样子?没有，而且他正在微笑我的老天,不要那样干?怎么啦?对街的男人踢了一只鸽子这就是法案成为法律的原因瑞秋情况如何?好
极了他带我到俄国茶室吃饭我点了那种鸡肉一刺就有奶油啧出来的那种今天真不是鸟儿的好日子然后我们去精品店我告诉他不要他还是买了香奈儿给
我真体贴是在你跟他说之前还是之后送的叫他别再打电话来别再送你花，别再来烦你?老实说我没机会开口能再见到他的感觉真好感觉是那么自在而
熟悉感觉真好你已讲了两遍瑞秋，你是怎么了?他不是在圣坛前被你甩掉的巴瑞吗?你上哪儿去了?今天和他在一起感觉不同他今天不像是牙医我们
玩得很开心这样有什么不对吗?当然!为什么?我有我的理由他订婚的对象是你前任的知己呢?好吧好吧好吧我知道这样做很傻我下午去找他谈分手
我不疯狂吧?我从未像这样从未这儿有个小水槽真好丹妮尔没想到是答录机接的有空请回电再见你这两小时都在忙这个?我在演练和盘子有何关系?
我要她以为我在餐厅我过着不错的生活不是只在这儿演练数小时的样子看，又是那个拿望远镜的人拜托，走开，别再往这儿看这下可好，他也挥手了
我们得想办法阻止他早上我逮到他往这儿看真是令我毛骨惊然我感觉自己无法办事什么样的事情呀?成熟点行吗？我不是指性我只是光着屁股做饭你
光着屁股做饭?对，吐司，燕麦不会溅出来的东西看我干嘛?我毫不知情怎么了?巴瑞,这样不好不,不是非常非常好明蒂呢?我们干得比明蒂好多
了.不，我是指你和明蒂如果你愿意我就和她分手万万不行，别那样做别为我那样做法大夫,巴比来做调整谢谢我们周末去渡假巴瑞,这样太…不,
或许我们可以去阿鲁巳我在”蜜月”时去过了感觉很棒，你一定会喜欢的我本来有穿胸罩法大夫格林小姐,看来一切正常进步许多干嘛?我十二岁了
,我不笨能借用你的电话吗?可以,不过...我指点你一下你拿的那支也是电话这电话没问题啊她为何不回电?或许她没听到你的留言如果愿意你
可以打给她的留言机如果听见许多哔声那代表她或许没听见留言难道你不认为这样会使我感觉有点…绝望，渴望，可悲?你显然看过我的征友启事哔
几声?她接的此时你该向她打招呼才对我不能跟她讲话她显然听到我的留言而且选择不回电我既渴望又被人冷落我真想念纯渴望的滋味嘿,他表现如
何?还不错瑞秋你头发上为何有牙线?有吗?我们在他椅子上做爱你们在他椅子上做爱?我是否说得太大声?你们什么?在他椅子上做爱你到底在想
什么?我也不知道我们仍在乎对方我们曾相爱过就像你和卡萝一样不，不像我和卡萝拜托如果她说：罗斯我要你躺在这沙发上此时此地，你会怎么回
答?如果需要我可以过去点这完全是两回事这是苹果和橘子牙医和女同志我走了你要上哪儿去?我就是要走，行吗?需要理由吗?我有自己的人生要
过我有许多事要做我已经被某事给耽误了明蒂，你好对，我听说了，恭喜这真是太好了我明天要上班如果愿意可以到店里太好了明天见了天呀 天呀
天呀明蒂好吗?她明天想见我她的语调好诡异我得打电话给巴瑞是我，明蒂不，我想你可能会在那儿你这种人都该下地狱偷窥狂又出现了，蹲下蹲
下?接着跳舞.谢谢我得去上班接受明蒂的审判放轻松，或许她还不知道拜托，我们七个月来没连络过她突然打电话来还会有什么事呢?她曾是我最
要好的朋友我们一起去夏令营她教我如何亲吻是吗?如今我像是成第三者我感觉自己很…不守规矩？回头见了等等，我和你一起出去她在夏令营时教
你亲吻你穿着制服,或着...没事了..我要上洗手间帮我守着电话好吗?你何不带进去?我们还没第二次约会她需要听到我尿尿的声音吗?何不
干脆打给她?我已留言，不能打给她我有男性的尊严你有吗?没有.丹妮尔，我是钱德我很好我不知道你是否打过电话给我因为我这个白痴不小心把
电话关了好，太好了她正在讲电话等一下会回我电话她正在讲电话等一下会回我电话…你不想尿了?这就是我跳舞的原因明蒂什么事?我们需要坐下
来谈谈当然啦,那么...我感觉最近有点奇怪你是我认识最久的朋友除了萝瑞之外我和她已没有往来她虽已减肥成功脸蛋依然丑陋我只问你一次而
且你要爽快的回答愿意当我的伴娘吗?当然!太好了你只想问我这件事?对,就这样怎么了?怎么了?不，不只这样我认为巴瑞有其他的女人你怎会
这样想?宣布订婚后他就变了样昨晚他回家时有香奈儿的味道真的?如果这样能让你好过点我和巴瑞订婚时他也变了样瞧，这就是我最担心的什么?
你担心什么?巴瑞和你订婚时我跟他正在偷偷恋爱什么?我知道，他向我求婚时每个人都劝我别接受他会待你像瑞秋一样如今我只觉得自己好笨明蒂
，你真笨我们两人都笨什么意思?是不是熟悉的味道?抱歉…不,是我抱歉…四个字母，圈圈或圆圈（填字游戏）快响呀,该死的,快响呀.(ri
ng)谢啦.我们的电话坏了什么?我从咖啡店打给你没有应答我关机了天啊，我关机了和你告诉她的一样真是讽刺我和对街门房谈过了他告诉我那
偷窥狂的名字电话能借用吗?电话能借用吗?请帮我查辛尼马克斯的电话热装置?（填字游戏）散热器五个字母是辛尼吗?辛尼是个女的是女的又怎
样?对，那又怎样?我住在对街我注意到你拿着望远镜而且我很不喜欢你这样.我现在就看的见你如果我要穿着内裤在室内走我无须感觉…谢谢那不
是重点重点是…大部份时间无所谓，但是偶尔......乔伊！对，我邻居对，黑褐色头发她说你穿绿色套装很好看绿色套装?真的?对，她说你
像英格丽褒曼少来啦!嘿嘿有时间吗?进来呀亲爱的你们来干什么?我们是来和你分手的你们两个?基本上我们认为你是个大烂人你该遭到天打雷劈
对不起…我是个白痴我是个懦夫，我无法自拔不管我做什么都是因为太爱你了巴瑞，你是指哪一个?明蒂当然是指明蒂我一直深爱着明蒂即使我们在
你椅上做爱?我发誓，不论我做什么我想的都是你拜托，第二回合时你连她姓啥都忘了你们做了两次?第一次不算，你了解巴瑞的我懂明蒂，我亲爱
的再给我一次机会我们再重新来过我们再到阿鲁巴去我们再到阿鲁巴去法大夫，紧急状况强森被自己的牙套噎到了拜托，我马上去请别离开，我马上
回来我们会在这儿的在这儿恨你看见他走出去时满身大汗没?这样吧，我去抓住他然后你狠狠打他几拳那感觉一定很爽是吗?我还是想嫁给她你在说
什么?明蒂，那家伙是个恶魔是个衣冠禽兽我知道他并不完美老实说我还是想当个医生夫人医生夫人我的天希望你能为我高兴我希望你还愿意当我的
伴娘我希望巴瑞在阿鲁巴不会将你宰了然后吃掉你还好吗?是的真的?真的.自从我在婚礼上抛下巴瑞我一直在想这决定是否正确如今我已得到答案
我真为你高兴好日子啊告诉你花生先生的穿着比较讲究他有单片眼镜，高帽你知道他是个男同志吗?我只想知道你判花生先生出局了?钱德?丹妮尔
,你好各位，这是丹妮尔丹妮尔，这是大家你为何会出现在这儿?我一直打电话给你都一直打错号码最后问查号台知道你的号码却没人接电话我想来
看看你是否无恙我没事或许我们改天可以见个面这主意不错，我再打给你或是你打给我,怎么都可以一言为定再见了，各位真棒第二次约会?我不知
道你不知道?她好像很不错她大老远来这儿只想确定我没事有这必要吗?121 The One With The Fake Monica[
Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, everyone is looking at papers.]Joey:
How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?Monica: I
have no idea. But look how much they spent!Rachel: Monica, would
you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to
pay for the stuff that you bought.Monica: I know. It''s just such
reckless spending.Ross: I think when someone steals your credit
card, they''ve kind of already thrown caution to the wind.Chandler
: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.Monica: Tha
t''s me.Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he''s doing it again! (Points to
a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa)Ross: Marcel, stop humpi
ng the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- (Marcel runs to
ward Rachel''s room) come here, Marcel-Rachel: Oh no, not in my ro
om! I''ll get him.Monica: Ross, you''ve got to do something about t
he humping.Ross: What? It''s, it''s just a phase.Chandler: Well, th
at''s what we said about Joey...Ross: Would you all relax? It''s no
t that big a deal.Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad monk
ey!Ross: What?Rachel: Let''s just say my Curious George doll is no
longer curious.Opening Credits[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, late
at night Monica is still examining her bill as Rachel emerges fro
m her room.]Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that
thing.Monica: This woman''s living my life.Rachel: What?Monica: S
he''s living my life, and she''s doing it better than me! Look at t
his, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she
buys clothes from stores that I''m intimidated by the sales people
. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.Rachel: You''re
not an artist.Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies
! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don''t.Rachel: Oh, Mon
ica, c''mon, you do cool things.Monica: Oh really? Okay, let''s com
pare, shall we.Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it''s so late for ''Shall we''.
..Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes
at the New School?Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo...Monica: This is so un
fair! She''s got everything I want, and she doesn''t have my mother
.[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussing stage nam
es.]Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?Joey: No, still too ethni
c. My agent thinks I should have a name that''s more neutral.Chand
ler: Joey... Switzerland?(The waitress brings their coffee.)Joey:
Plus, y''know, I think it should be Joe. Y''know, Joey makes me so
und like I''m, I dunno, this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) Wh
ich I''m not.Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?Joey: Stalin...Sta
lin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar.Chandler: Well, it
does not ring a bell with me...Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin.
Y''know, that''s pretty good.Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.(Joe
y visibly thinks ''Of course!'' and writes it down.)Joey: Joseph St
alin. I think you''d remember that!Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdi
e, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Ro
of.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rac
hel enter.]Rachel: Hey.Phoebe: Hey.Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi,
uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I''m taking some cl
asses with you and I was wondering what they were.Phoebe: What ar
e you doing?Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a lot. (H
angs up) I''m going to tap class.Rachel: What, what, so that you c
an dance with the woman that stole your credit card?Monica: This
woman''s got my life, I should get to see who she is.Rachel: Go to
the post office! I''m sure her picture''s up! ...Okay, Monica, y''k
now what, honey, you''re kinda losing it here! I mean, this is rea
lly becoming like a weird obsession thing.Phoebe: This is madness
. It''s madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don''t do
it!! ...Thank you.[Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at
the door.]Monica: What d''you think?Phoebe: Lotsa things.(They go
in and sit down.)Rachel: Which one do you think she is?(The teac
her comes up to them.)Teacher: May I help you?Monica: Oh, no than
ks, we''re just here to observe.Teacher: You don''t observe a dance
class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.Rache
l: What does she mean?Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) ''You d
ance a dance class''. Oh, c''mon, c''mon. (They put on some spare sh
oes)Monica: Okay, d''y''see anybody you think could be me?Teacher:
(To the class) People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt co
ntainers lying around after class. Let''s not have that happen aga
in!Rachel: She could be you.(Music starts)Teacher: Let''s get star
ted. Five, six, a-five six seven eight...(Everyone starts to danc
e in unison. Monica flounders)Monica: Okay, I''m not getting this!
Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I''m totally get
ting it!Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so
unbelievably uncoordinated?(Rachel taps into view; she is in perf
ect sync with the rest of the class)Rachel: What? You just click
when they click.Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a part
ner.(The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it)Phoe
be: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I''m with Rac
hel.Monica: Great. It''s gym class all over again.Phoebe and Rache
l: Aww.Teacher: Well that''s all right, you can come up to the fro
nt and dance with me.Monica: Why don''t I just take off my clothes
and have a nightmare.(She starts to walk very slowly toward the
front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Sudd
enly a woman bursts in)Woman: It''s okay, it''s okay, I''m here, I''m
here. Sorry I''m late, okay, here I am. Who''s the new tense girl?
Teacher: She''s your partner.Woman: Hi. I''m Monica.Monica: Oh. Mon
ica! ...Hi. I''m Mo- ...nana.Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana?Monica: Y
eah. It''s Dutch.Fake Monica: You''re kidding! I-I spent three year
s in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in Dutch)Monica: Um, Pennsylv
ania Dutch.Teacher: And we''re dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight.
..[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.]Ross: (Mortified) Hi.Ch
andler and Joey: Hey.Joey: Where''ve you been?Ross: At the vet.Cha
ndler: She''s not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic con
es, is she?Ross: She says Marcel''s humping thing''s not a phase. A
pparently he''s reached sexual maturity.Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! H
e beat ya.Ross: She says as time goes on, he''s gonna start gettin
g agressive and violent.Chandler: So what does this mean?Ross: I''
m gonna have to give him up.Commercial Break[Scene: Central Perk,
scene continued from earlier.? They guys are sitting there like
the Three Monkeys.]Joey: I can''t believe it, Ross. This sucks!Cha
ndler: I don''t get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an
adult already?Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he''s this l
ittle thing, and before you know it, he''s this little thing I can
''t get off my leg.Joey: Isn''t there any way you can keep him?Ross
: No, no. The vet says unless he''s in a place where he has regula
r access to some... monkey lovin,'' he''s just gonna get vicious. I
''ve just gotta get him into a zoo.Joey: How do you get a monkey i
nto a zoo?Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that''s Popes into a V
olkswagen.Ross: Well, we''re applying to a lot of them. Naturally
our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y''know, l
ike, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream,
because, y''know, he''s out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someon
e at Miami, so that''s a possibility.Chandler: Yeah, but that''s li
ke two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it''s a total party zoo
.(Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.)Phoebe: Hey. We found her, w
e found the girl.Chandler: What?Joey: Did you call the cops?Rache
l: Nope. We took her to lunch.Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vig
ilante justice.Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from
you. She stole. She''s a stealer.Monica: Y''know what? After you''r
e with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I me
an, she is this astounding person, with this, with this amazing s
pirit.Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.
Chandler: ...Take off their hats!Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! .
..I love that joke.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica, Rachel an
d Fake Monica are there.]Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.F
ake Monica: Monana was very brave.Monica: It was so wild. We told
them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find ou
t the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!Fake M
onica: So once they caught on to the fact that we''re, y''know, sho
rt and have breasts...Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown
out of a hotel! Me!Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not th
e only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people
I don''t know. Don''t wait up. (Exits)Fake Monica: Oh, by the way,
tomorrow we''re auditioning for a Broadway show.Monica: ''Scuse me?
Fake Monica: There''s an open call for Cats. I''m thinking we go do
wn there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Wha
ddya say?Monica: Nononononono. Think who you''re dealing with here
. I mean, I''m not like you. I-I can''t even stand in front of a ta
p class.Fake Monica: Well, that''s just probably ''cause of your Am
ish background.Monica: What?Fake Monica: Well, you''re Pennsylvani
a Dutch, right?Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I
was shunned.Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then o
ne day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead
Poets'' Society?Monica: Uh-huh.Fake Monica: I thought that movie w
as so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where t
he kid kills himself because he can''t be in the play? What was th
at?! It''s like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community t
heatre. I walked out of there and I thought, ''Now, that''s two hou
rs of my life that I''m never getting back.'' And that thought scar
ed me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.Monica: Wow
. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.[Scene: Mo
nica and Rachel''s, tiem lapse.? Everyone but Joey and Monica are
there.]Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn''t get
into Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. They
take like dogs and cows. See? I don''t know who this is harder on
, me or him.Phoebe: I''d say that chair''s taking the brunt.Ross: M
arcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him
?Rachel: Oh, somebody will.Joey: (entering) You know there alread
y is a Joseph Stalin?Chandler: You''re kidding.Joey: Apparently he
was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You''
d think you would''ve known that!Chandler: Y''know, you''d think I w
ould''ve.Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me wou
ld be?Phoebe: ...Flame Boy.[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking
to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper.]Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?Dr.
Baldhara: Well, it''s technically not a zoo per se, it''s more of
an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions
about, is it, uh, Marcel?Ross: Yes.Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fi
ght with other animals?Ross: No-no, he''s, he''s very docile.Dr. Ba
ldhara: Even if he were... cornered?Ross: Well I, I don''t know. W
hy?Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?Ross: He
can hold a banana, if that''s whatcha mean...Dr. Baldhara: How ab
out a hammer, or a small blade?Ross: Why- why- why would he need
a blade?Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he''s up against a jungle cat or an
animal with horns, you''ve got to give the little guy something.
Otherwise it''s just cruel.(Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marce
l)Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Dieg
o.Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was rin
ging...Chandler: ...He''s in.Ross: He''s in! Oh, did you hear that,
Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!Dr. Baldhara: You''re making a big m
istake here. I mean, San Diego''s all well and good, but if you gi
ve him to me, I''ll start him off against a blind rabbit and give
you twenty percent of the gains.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Rach
el is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines an
d wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts
in, obviously drunk.]Monica: Yo- hooo!Rachel: Where the hell''ve
you been?Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.Rache
l: Are you drunk?!Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I''m
lying. I am so drunk.Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y''know wh
at, you could''ve called, I have been up here, I''ve been worried..
.(Monica is drinking from the tap)Rachel: Monica? Monica!Monica:
Water rules!Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant
called, they wanna know if you''re gonna be showing up for work?M
onica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.Rachel: Okay Mon
ica, what are you doing? You''re gonna lose your job! This is not
you!Monica: No, it is me! Y''know, I''m not just the person who nee
ds to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in
! Y''know, when I''m with her, I am so much more than that. I''m- I''
m Monana!(The phone rings and Rachel answers)Rachel: Hello? Yes,
she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it''s for you, the credi
t card people.Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.Rachel: W
hat?Monica: They''ve arrested Monica.[Scene: New York City Departm
ent of Correction, Monica is visiting Fake Monica.]Monica: Hi.Fak
e Monica: Hey.Monica: How are you?Fake Monica: I''m not too bad. F
ortunately, blue''s my colour. How-how did you know I was here?Mon
ica: Because... I''m Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were
using.Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.Monica: I want you t
o know, it wasn''t me who turned you in.Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.Mo
nica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it was
n''t for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the st
age at the Wintergarden Theater!Fake Monica: Well, actually, you
only got to sing ''Memo-''.Monica: I just can''t believe you''re in h
ere. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who''s gonna crash th
e embassy parties with me? Who''s gonna take me to the Big Apple C
ircus?Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of
twenty-five other women, and you''re worried about who''s gonna ta
ke you to the Big Apple Circus?Monica: Well, not... worried, just
... wondering.Fake Monica: There''s nothing to wonder about, Monic
a. You''re gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because th
at''s who you are.Monica: Not necessarily...Fake Monica: Yes neces
sarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it''s the Amish thing.Mo
nica: Um, I''m not actually Amish.Fake Monica: Really? Then why ar
e you like that?[Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door
.]Teacher: You by the door. In or out?Monica: In. (She joins in t
he dancing. She still flounders)Teacher: You in the back, you''re
getting it all wrong!Monica: Yeah, but at least I''m doing it![Sce
ne: The Airport, everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel.]
PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, b
oarding at gate 42A.Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Al
right, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don''t eat it ''till you ge
t on the plane.Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.Phoebe: Oh!Chand
ler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there''s gonna be a lot of babe
s in San Diego, but remember, there''s also a lot to learn.Joey: I
dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it''s a monkey.Ross: Just, just say
what you feel.Joey: Marcel, I''m hungry.Ross: That was good.Rachel
: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you. It''s, uh,
just, y''know, something to, um, do on the plane.Ross: Uh, if you
guys don''t mind, I''d like to take a moment, just me and him.All:
Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there, then realise
what he means and go to the other end of the room)Ross: Marcel,
c''mere, c''mere. (He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits besi
de him) Well buddy, this is it. There''s just a coupla things I wa
nt to say. I''m really gonna miss you, and I''m never gonna forget
about you. You''ve been more than just a pet to me, you''ve been mo
re like a be- (Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Oka
y, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just s
top humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take h
im away. Just take him.(Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.)C
losing Credits[Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going
on for a play.]Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly) Oh
, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy c
heek...Casting Director No. 1: That''s fine, thank you.Casting Dir
ector No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)Joey: Hi, uh, I''ll be read
ing for the role of Mercutio.Casting Director No. 2: Name?Joey: H
olden McGroin.End121 假莫妮卡 怎有人知道你的信用卡号码?我也不知道你看他们花了多少钱摩妮卡，冷静一下好吗?信
用卡的人说你只须付你所买的东西我知道，他真是挥霍无度我想他偷去你的信用卡时根本就已忘了王法真是个变态花了69?95元买”神奇拖把”
我买的真的，它又来马修，别再侵犯那盏灯了马修，回来…不，又到我房里了我去抓它出来罗斯，你得想办法阻止什么?这只是个阶段我们当时也是
这么说乔伊的你们冷静点行吗?这又没什么了不起马修，停，坏猴子又怎么了?我只能说我的好奇乔治玩偶不再好奇摩妮卡，你还是无法释怀这女人
过着我的生活什么?她过着我的生活而且过得比我好，看她买的戏票是我一直想看的戏她买的衣服是我早就想买的她花了三百块买艺术用品你又不是
艺术家如果有艺术用品我或许已是个艺术家我本来可以的，只是现在不是导演：盖尔曼库索摩妮卡，别泄气你做的工作很酷真的?我们来做比较，好
吗?现在说”好吗”有点太迟了我到过公园骑马吗?我在新学校上过课吗?没有这太不公平了她拥有我想要的一切而且她没有我妈乔依帕波尼如何?
不好，太有种族意味了我的经纪人认为我该取个中立一点的名字乔伊瑞士?而且，我应该就是乔乔伊让我感觉…这么大我不是乔…乔斯大林?斯大林
，我认识这名字吗?听得很熟悉.我没印象乔斯大林，这名字很好或许你想试试乔瑟夫乔瑟夫斯大林我好像记得这个名字”别了，鸟儿”乔瑟夫斯大
林主演”屋顶上的提琴手”中的乔瑟夫史达林对，我是摩妮卡格勒我想有在你们那里上课我想知道是哪些课你在干什么?太好了，谢谢我要去上踢踏
舞课这样你就可以和偷你信用卡的人一起上课?这女人偷走了我的生活我应该去看看她是何方神圣去邮局看我想她的照片会公布的摩妮卡，你有点失
去理智了你被这件事所完全操控这叫疯狂上帝保佑，摩妮卡别这么做谢谢你们怎么认为?很多你认为是哪一个?我能帮你们什么吗?我们是来参观的
舞蹈课不是参观来的舞蹈课来跳舞的那儿有舞鞋什么意思?我想她是叫我们进去跳真的?好吧有看见我的分身吗?各位，上回有人在教室留下酸乳空
瓶希望别再发生那种事她可能是你开始吧我跟不上我完全融人你不会觉得自己有时毫无协调感吗?怎么了?只要他们踢的时候你踢就是了各位找个舞
伴我死去的妈说就是你我和瑞秋这下可好体育课的旧事又重演了无所谓，你过来和我一起跳我何不脱下衣服来场恶梦?没关系，我来了抱歉，我迟到
我来了那个紧张的新人是谁?你的舞伴我叫摩妮卡摩妮卡我叫摩娜娜摩娜娜?对，是荷兰人的名字你在开玩笑吧我在阿姆斯特丹住了三年我是宾州的
荷兰人开始吧你上哪儿去了我刚从兽医回来她没叫你戴那种塑胶套吧?她说马修乱性不是暂时的显然它已性成熟嘿,它找过你呢她说它会越来越暴力
侵略性越强这代表什么?我们不能再养它了我真不敢相信，这真是太扯了我不懂，你才刚养它它怎会突然性成熟?我知道，之前它只是个小东西不知
不觉中它就紧抓住我的腿不放你没有任何办法再饲养它吗?没办法她说除非有个地方让它获得正常的猴爱它会变得愈来愈残暴我得将它送到动物园你
如何把它送进动物园?我知道不，那是教皇进入福斯汽车我们到处申请当然大型州立动物园是优先考虑比方说圣地牙哥动物园那可能只是遥不可及的
梦想因为它在加州兽医说她认识迈阿密的朋友或许有可能那儿似乎离海滩只有两条街一定是个疯狂动物园我们找到她了你们喊警察了吗?没有，我们
和她吃午餐你们自己的”自治正义”你疯了?那女人偷了你的东西她是个小偷和这女人相处十分钟后你就会把这些全忘了她简直是奇女子振奋人心她
可能是从某位啦啦队队员那儿偷来的脱下他们的帽子福斯车上的教皇我喜欢这个笑话不可能，你不可能这么做摩娜娜相当勇敢真是太疯狂了我说我们
是615房的冈氏姐妹结果波士顿塞尔提克已包下整个六楼他们知道我们又矮又有胸部时他们就把我们轰出来我被轰出饭店，我干得好，摩娜娜不是
只有你们活在梦中我得去为我不认识的人倒咖啡不用等我了对了，明天我们要去参加百老汇的试演什么?”猫”剧还有一个缺额我想我们可以去唱”
回忆”让自己当个傻子，如何?不，记得你身旁的人是谁我和你不一样我连站在踢踏舞教室前都有困难因为你有阿米许的血统什么?你不是宾州荷兰
人吗?对，直到我买了吹风机被逐出村里我过去也和你一样有一天我看了出改变我人生的电影看过春风化雨吗?我认为这电影实在是太…无聊了那孩
子在电影的结局时自杀只因他无法演出话剧?这是在干什么?他再等一年离家，到社区话剧团去走出电影院时我想我这逝去两小时的生命永远不再回
这想法震惊了我从此我便及时行乐那么我不敢推荐”窈充奶爸”了上帝我们进不了斯克兰顿了那是我们最后的选择他们连狗和牛都收我不懂是我还是
它比较难受我想应该椅子最可怜马修…不乖，为何没人要它?一定有人会要的早就有人叫乔瑟夫斯大林了开什么玩笑显然他是屠杀各种民族的俄国独
裁者你怎么会不知道是啊菲此你认为我该取什么艺名?火焰男孩你的动物园在哪儿?就技术上而言不算是动物园而是一种互动式野生动物体验我想请
教你几个问题我想请教你几个问题它会和其他动物打架吗?不会的，它非常温驯如果被逼进角落里去时呢?我不知道，干嘛问?它掌控小东西的能力
为何?它会拿香蕉如果你是这意思的话铁槌或小刀呢?为什么?为何要小刀?面对狮虎或有角的动物你得拿些东西给它自我防卫否则就太残忍了它能
去圣地牙哥了什么?我们散步回来声见电话铃响然后它就录取了听见没，马修，是圣地牙哥你大错特错了圣地牙哥环境良好没错如果你把它交给我我
就能训练它对抗瞎眼的兔子而且我还可以给你百分之二十的门票收入你到底跑哪儿去了?我和摩妮卡刚跑去参加大使馆舞会你喝醉了?才没有呢骗你
的，我醉醺醺的摩妮卡，你该打通电话回来的我一直在家里担心你摩妮卡好过瘾没错餐厅今天又来电了他们想知道你还要不要去上班不去我今天要去
大苹果马戏团摩妮卡，你在干什么?你快丢掉工作了，你变了不，这正是我我不只是那种必须拍松枕头帐单一来立刻去缴款的人和她在一起我就超越
了那种人我是摩娜娜对，她在，等等摩娜娜，你的电话信用卡公司打来的是吗?天那谢谢怎么了?他们已逮到摩妮卡你好吗?不太糟幸好我喜欢蓝色
你怎会知道我在这儿?因为我是摩妮卡格勒你用的是我的信用卡真是没想到我想让你知道去报案的人不是我谢谢你你带给我太多了如果不是你我就不
可能在冬园剧场唱”回忆”老实说你只开口唱了"回"而已我不敢相信你会在这儿失去你我该怎么办?谁会和我去大使馆宴会谁带我去大苹果马戏团
?摩妮卡我在一堆女人面前尿尿展开一天的生活你却担心没人带你去看马戏?不是担心，只是怀疑没什么好怀疑的你继续做你自己因为那才是真正的
你那没必要呀.那很必要.我不知道是为什么或许和你是阿米许人有关我不是阿米许人真的?为何你那么怪?门旁的那个，加不加入?加人后面的，
你完全跳错了至少我在跳这是飞往圣地牙哥67班机最后一次的登机通知请在42A门登机再见了，小猴子我写了一首诗给你上飞机后才能吃谢谢你
，菲此阿姨再见了我知道圣地牙哥那儿你将有许多漂亮美眉记得要学习的也很多我不知该说什么，罗斯它是一只猴子说出你的感觉就成了马修，我饿
了这句不错马修，给你的这是给你在飞机上玩的如果不介意我想和它独处当然可以马修，过来小兄弟，就这样了我只想说几句话我会想你的我不会忘
记你的在我心中你不只是一只宠物你更是...马修，能放开我的腿吗?能暂时不要乱来吗?马修…带它走好吗?带它走希望我是你手上的手套这样
我就能抚摸你的脸颊行，谢谢下一位我来试”马丘修”的角色名字?麦克葛罗尼122 The One With the Ick Facto
r(Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.) Monica: Tell him.Rache
l: No.Phoebe: Tell him, tell him.Monica: Just...please tell him.R
achel: Shut up!Chandler: Tell me what?Monica: Look at you, you wo
n''t even look at him.Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, come on tell m
e. I could use another reason why women won''t look at me.Rachel:
All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that,
uh, you and I, were...Phoebe: Doing it on this table. (points at
the table)Chandler: Wow!Joey: Exellent dream score.Ross: Why, why
, why would you dream that?Chandler: More importantly, was I any
good?Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good.Chandler: Interestin
g, cause in my dreams, I''m allways surprisingly inadequate. (Moni
ca pats him on his lap)Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to kno
w your way around the table.Ross: I love it, when we share.(Ross
goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.)Chandler: You''re
okay there?Ross: I can''t belive you two had sex in her dream.Chan
dler: I''m sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i
was somebody else''s subconscious.Opening Credits[Scene: Central P
erk, continued from earlier, Chandler is sitting on the table.]Ch
andler: Hello Rachel.Rachel: Get off.Phoebe: (points at Joey''s pe
n) Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?Joey: I
don''t know. What are you wearing?(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe loo
ks at him)Ross: Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill pre
ss?Phoebe: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get b
ack some of my massage clients.Chandler: Pirates again?Phoebe: No
, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "m
assage-yourself-at-home-workshop." And they are.Joey: Hey, hey, C
han. She could work for you.Chandler: (sarcasticly) Thanks Joey,
that''s a good idea.Phoebe: What... I could, I could do it. What i
s it?Chandler: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of
weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. (Ross looks at he
r.) It''s a whole big boob story.Phoebe: I could be a secretary.Ch
andler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don''t know if it''s your kinda th
ing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large porti
on of the day.Phoebe: I could do that.(Ross''s beeper goes off)Rac
hel: What are you playing with?Ross: Oh, it''s my new beeper.Joey:
What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?Monica: Is
it like for dinosaur emergencies. ''Help, come quick, they''re sti
ll extinct.''Ross: No, it''s for when Carol goes into labor. She ca
n get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-J
IMBO.Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the k
id.Monica: All right, I''ll see you guys later. (raises)Rachel: Of
f to see young Ethan?Monica: Thank you.Joey: How young is young E
than? Young?Monica: He''s... our age.Chandler: When we were?Monica
: Okay, he''s a senior in college.Ross: College?Chandler: Whoa! An
d this manchild has no problem with how old you are?Monica: No, o
f course not. It''s not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.A
ll: What?Monica: Oh, I can''t pass for 22?Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-2
6.Monica: I am 26.Phoebe: There you go.[Scene: Chandler''s office,
he and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.]Chandler:
Can you hear that?Phoebe: (plays with a thumbtack remover) Yeah?
Chandler: See that''ll stop when you pick up the phone.Phoebe: Oh.
Uh, I''m on. (picks up the phone)Phoebe: (with a deep voice) Mr.
Bing''s office. (Listens) No I''m sorry, he''s in a meeting right no
w.Chandler: I''m not in a meeting. I''m right... Whoops.Phoebe: Wil
l he know what this is in reference to? (Listens) And he has your
number? (Listens) All right, I''ll see that he gets the message.
Bye bye.Chandler: What?Phoebe: Ross says hi.Chandler: Ah!Phoebe:
This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?Chandler: Well, now,
I actually have to get to work.Phoebe: Most likely. (raises and
goes toward the door) Okay, I''m gonna be out there.Chandler: Okay
.Phoebe: All right. Bye bye.Chandler: Bye bye.(The intercom buzze
s)Chandler: (answering it) Yes?Phoebe: Whatcha doin''?Chandler: Oo
h. (leans against the desk)[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica an
d Rachel are there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows
.]Monica: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt''s to tight
, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? (goes over to the k
itchen to check on the dinner) No, cause I made lasagne. (to Rach
el) Am I out of control?Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don''t unders
tand. I mean, you''ve been dating this guy since like, what... his
midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.Monica: Wh
at?Rachel: Could tonight be the Night?Monica: I don''t know. Look
he''s a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Thing
s happen, and they happen. You don''t plan these things.Rachel: So
, did you shave your legs?Monica: Yeah.Rachel: A-ha![Scene: Centr
al Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]Joey: Would you let it go Ross.
It was just a dream. It doesn''t mean...(Ross''s beeper goes off)R
oss: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it''s baby time. Bab
y time.Joey: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be
cool, be cool.(Ross dials a number on his cellular phone)Ross: (o
n phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No, Andr?is not her
e. (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Yes, I''m sure... No, si
r. I don''t perform those kind of services.Joey: Services? (Ross l
ooks at him) Oh, services.Ross: (on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMB
O. Yeah, that''s right. That''s right, JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause)
No, belive me, you don''t want me. Judging by his number, I''d be
a huge disappointment. (pause) All rightie, bye bye.(Phoebe and C
handler enter)Joey: Hey, hey. How was the first day?Phoebe: Oh, e
xellent. Everyone was so, so nice.Chandler: See, it pays to know
the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means)
Me.Phoebe: No, I didn''t tell anybody that I knew you.Chandler: Wh
y not?Phoebe: Oh, because, you know... they don''t like you.Chandl
er: What?!Phoebe: I thought you knew that.Chandler: Noho. Who doe
sn''t they like me?Phoebe: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.
Chandler: What are you talking about?Phoebe: Don''t feel bad. You
know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and,
you know, now you''re like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr
. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".(Joey and Ross laughs)Chandler: I can''t b
elive it.Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.Chandler: They do m
e?Phoebe: You know like... uh okay... uh... ''Could that report be
any later?''(Joey and Ross laughs)Chandler: I don''t sound like th
at.Ross: Oh, oh Chandler...Joey: Oh... Yeah, you do.Ross: ''The hi
lls were alive with the sound of music.''(Phoebe, Joey and Ross la
ughs)Joey: (reaches for hi scones) My scones.Phoebe, Joey, and Ro
ss: ''My scones.''(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again)Chandler: Oka
y, I don''t sound like that. That is so not true.(Joey and Chandle
r laughs)Chandler: That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh
, shut up!(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh)[Scene: Monica and Rachel''
s, Monica and Young Ethan are sitting in the couch.]Monica: Did n
ot.Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I th
ought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.Monic
a: How was that possible?Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It''s
always on the news. ''A man is being held up, at gunpoint.'' ''Touri
sts are being terrorised, at gunpoint.'' And I just kept thinking:
why does people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh,
ah. I should go.Monica: Okay.(They kiss)Young Ethan: Okay.Monica
: Unless...Young Ethan: What?Monica: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna sta
y over? I mean, I''m going to, so...Young Ethan: Yeah, I''d really
like that.(They kiss)Young Ethan: Uuh, before we get into any sta
ying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.Monica: Okay,
is this like ''I have an early class tomorrow'' or ''I''m secretly m
arried to a goat?''Young Ethan: Well it''s somewhere in between. Yo
u see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I''m not uh..., w
ell I, I mean I haven''t ever uh...Monica: Ethan?Young Ethan: Yeah
?Monica: Are you a virgin?Young Ethan: Well, if that''s what you k
ids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I''ve kinda be
en waiting for the right person.Monica: Really?Young Ethan: Yeah.
You do know I was talking about you, right?(They kiss)[Time laps
e. They are now in Monica''s bedroom, on the bed.]Young Ethan: Wow
!Monica: You keep saying that.Young Ethan: You know, you read abo
ut it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practice it at hom
e, man oh man, it is nothing like that.(They kiss)Monica: Listen,
uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And
I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.Young Ethan
: Oh god, don''t tell me, I did it wrong.Monica: No-no. Nothing wr
ong about that. Young Ethan: Oh.Monica: Um, okay, here it goes. I
''m not 22. I''m, I''m 25... and thirteen months. Young Ethan: Huh!M
onica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn''t change anything. I
mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.(They kiss)You
ng Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we''re telling stuff, uh, I ha
ve another one for you. I''m a little younger than I said.Monica:
You''re not a senior?Young Ethan: Oh, I''m a senior... in High Scho
ol.Monica: Ok...ay.Commercial Break[Scene: Monica''s Bedroom, cont
inued from earlier.]Monica: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just
had sex with somebody that wasn''t alive during the Bicentennial.
Young Ethan: I just had sex.Monica: Ethan, focus. How could you n
ot tell me?Young Ethan: Well, you never told me how old you were.
Monica: Well, that''s different. My lie didn''t make one of us a fe
lon in 48 states. What were you thinking?Young Ethan: I wasn''t th
inking. I was too busy fallin''...Monica: Don''t say it. (closes Et
han''s mouth with her hand)Young Ethan: ...in love with you.Monica
: Really?Young Ethan: (nods) Sorry.Monica: Well,fall out of it. Y
ou know, you shouldn''t even be here, it''s a school night. Oh god,
oh god. I''m like those women that you see with shiny guys named
Chad. I''m Joan Collins.Young Ethan: Who? [Scene: Monica and Rache
l''s, everyone exept Monica is there.]Ross: (on phone) Okay, Andr?
should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. (to Pho
ebe) Just easier that way.Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me abou
t the last dream.Rachel: No, forget it.Chandler: Oh, why not. Was
I doing anything particularly... saucy?Rachel: All right, fine.
Um, you were not the only one there. (Camera fades to Ross, who''s
listening very carefully) Joey was there too.Joey: All right. (M
oves closer.)Ross: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, any
body else there.Rachel: No.Ross: You''re sure? Nobody uh, handed o
ut uh, mints or anything?Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
Ross: Huh!Joey: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and th
en you and me, or you and me and Chandler?Rachel: (laughs) You kn
ow what?Joey: What?Rachel: There were times when it wasn''t even m
e.(Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other then r
ecoil in horror.)Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. (hugs them)(
Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn''t hear what the ot
hers say)Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe: Hey, Mon.Rachel: Mon, Ethan ca
lled again. Mon?All: (shouting) Mon!(Monica takes of her walkman)
Monica: What?Rachel: Ethan called again.Monica: Oh.Ross: Are you
not seeing him anymore?Monica: No. You know, sometimes just thing
s doesn''t work out.Chandler: And this has nothing to do with the
fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.(Monica stares at Rac
hel)Rachel: I, I didn''t say any... I sw... I did not say anything
, I swear. He stopped by.Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to
him, can you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?(Ros
s and Chandler laughs)Ross: Oh, yeah.Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my lif
e is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?Joey, Chander, and Ros
s: Sorry.Ross: It''s morphin time!Joey: Stegosaurus!Chandler: Tyra
nnosaurus!(They all cross they''re arms like the Power Rangers do)
Phoebe: Ooh, oh, I''ve gotta go. (raises) Whoa, oh, head rush. One
more, and then I have to go. (sits down, and then raises again)
Cool!Rachel: Where are you going?Phoebe: Um, oh, I''ve got a birth
day party, with some work people.Chandler: Work people? Nobody to
ld me.Phoebe: No, I know. That''s a part of the whole, you know, t
hem-not-liking-you-extravaganza.Chandler: You know, I don''t get t
his. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just be
cause I''m in charge doesn''t mean I''m a different person.Phoebe: W
ell, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with t
hem. Let them see what a great guy you still are.Chandler: You th
ink I should?Phoebe: I really do, yeah.Chandler: Okay.Phoebe: Oka
y.Chandler: Okay.Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I d
on''t wanna be the geek that invited the boss.[Scene: Chandler''s o
ffice, he and Phoebe are taking a break from work.]Chandler: I Th
ink last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and
I doing Ebony and Ivory.Phoebe: You were great. But they still ma
de fun of you.Chandler: What?Phoebe: You know, now you''re more li
ke, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know, "I''m one o
f you, Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!"Chandle
r: Then, I don''t get it.Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I t
hink you''ve gotta face it. You''re like, the guy in the big office
, you know. You''re the one that hires them, that fires them... Th
ey still say you''re a great boss.Chandler: They do?Phoebe: Uh huh
. But they''re not your friends anymore.Chandler: I just wan''t to.
..Phoebe: No, but you can''t.Chandler: But I just wa...Phoebe: Uh
uh.[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is th
ere. Ross''s beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.]Monica:
Aren''t you gonna...Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If s
he punches in 911, it means she''s having a baby, otherwise I just
ignore it.Joey: What about Andr?Ross: Oh, well this morning he g
ot a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it
was a little more than I needed to know.(Ethan enters)Young Etha
n: Hey.Monica: That was gonna be my opener.Rachel: (understands t
hat Monica and Ethan wanna be alone) Hey, did you guys check out
those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?Ross: I thought that was ju
st a rumour.Rachel: True story.Joey: They''re here already?(Rachel
, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom)Young Ethan: All right, look.
I''ve gotta tell you something. I''m not 17. I only said so that yo
u''d think I was cute and vunerable. I''m actually 30, I have a wif
e, I have a job, I''m your Congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous
, we''re great together. We can talk, we make each other laugh, an
d the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought
that was great.Monica: It was.Young Ethan: Then, what''s the probl
em?Monica: Ethan, it''s um... it''s icky.Young Ethan: Icky? You''re
actually gonna throw this away because it''s icky?Monica: This isn
''t easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you
were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we
lived in biblical times, I would really...Young Ethan: No, don''t
say it. (closes Monica''s mouth with his hand)Monica: ...love you
.(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discove
r that Monica and Ethan aren''t finished talking to each other yet
.)Ross: Are you''re hands still wet?Joey: Uh, moist, yeah.Rachel:
Let''s dry ''em again.(They go to the bathroom again)[Scene: A hall
on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, a
nd overhears some employees''s conversation. One of them is doing
Chandler.]Gerston: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any strong
er? (They discover that Chandler is listening) Hey, Chandler.Sant
os: Hello, Mr. Bing.Petrie: Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.C
handler: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I''m gonna need
them on my desk by nine o''clock.Santos: Sure.Gerston: No problem
.(They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler)Chandle
r: You have to give ''em something, you know. Okay, now that was G
erston, Santos, and who''s the guy with the moustache?Phoebe: Petr
ie.Chandler: Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be wor
king this weekend.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Ross is watching T
V, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross pu
ts a blanket over her.]Rachel: (talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh.
(Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silen
tly) Oh, that''s nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!(Ross gets all excited an
d starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips allmost immediat
ly, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.)Rachel: Ross?Ross:
I''m here.Rachel: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just...? W
ow!Ross: What? (his beeper goes off) Great, now I''m having a baby
.Rachel: What?Ross: Ooh, Ooh.Rachel: What?Ross: I''m having... I''m
having a baby. (jumps back onto the table again) I''m having a...
Where''s the phone? The phone?Rachel: I don''t know where the phon
e is.(Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and fall
s onto the floor)Rachel: Ross?Ross: I''m hurt.Closing Credits[Scen
e: The Hallway, Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get rea
dy, to go to the hospital.]Ross: Monica, let''s go. Come on now pe
ople, woman in labor.(Chandler struts out from his apartment)Chan
dler: (doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I''ve got going h
ere. Ross: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.(Rachel comes out from
their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands)Ross:
What are you doing? We''re going to a hospital.Rachel: What, so I
can''t lokk nice? There might be doctors there.Ross: Joey, get out
of the fridge.Joey: All right, all right. (he comes out from the
ir apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand)Ross: What is that?
(refering to the sandwich)Joey: For the ride.Chandler: Yeah, lik
e in a cab...Ross: Save it.Chandler: Okay, hating this.Ross: Moni
ca, come on now. Let''s go, baby coming.(Monica enters from their
apartment, crying)Monica: I can''t belive it, I''m gonna be an aunt
. I''m gonna have like a nephew.Ross: That''s nice. Get out Let''s g
o, come on.Joey: All right, I''m going. I''m going.(They all go dow
n the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like his in a coma.
The others also turns around to get him.)Chandler: Here we go, he
re we go.Rachel: Rossy, Rossy.End122 倒人胃口的约会 告诉他嘛…对，就告诉他嘛告诉我什么你看你
，连正眼看他都不肯拜托，快告诉我下回女人不看我时我有了新藉口好吧好吧昨晚我梦见我和你......在这桌上做爱梦中得分你怎会有这种梦
?最重要的是我棒吗?简直是棒极了真有意思在我梦中我总是力不从心昨晚你在桌上表现神了真高兴能与你们分享你没事吧?我不敢相信你会在她梦
中做爱抱歉，我只有一次我醉得不醒人事而且这是某人的潜意志好呀,瑞秋起来给我你们能想像操作钻床的我吗?不知道，你当时穿什么?不知道，
你为何想操作钻床?只是暂时的工作直到我找回部份的按摩客户又是海盗?没那回事我是个大笨蛋我教他们”自己在家动手作按摩”结果他们就在家
里作嘿，钱德勒，她可以为你工作吗？谢了，这是个好主意我可以，是什么工作?我秘书这几周无法来上班她去动消乳手术一言难尽的波霸故事我可
以当个秘书我不知你是否是这块料因为这份工作得要表现”正常”白天要尽量正常我能办到你在玩什么?我的call机古生物学家要那玩意儿干嘛
?恐龙紧急事件?救命啊，快来他们还是绝种了不，是为卡萝生产买的她随时可以连络到我她只需拨个号码55一J●MB0这号码真酷还能当孩子
的名字各位回头见了去见伊森小子?谢谢伊森到底有多小?年纪和我们差不多当我们还是...他是大学四年级学生这位小朋友不在乎你的年纪?当
然不在乎因为我告诉他我22岁什么?我不像22岁?25，26还说得过去我今年26那就对了听见没?听见了再不接电话就断了我来宾先生办公
室抱歉，他正在开会我没在开会我在…谁....他知道这件事吗?他有你的号码?好，我会转告他的，再见什么?罗斯打来问候的真好玩现在做什
么?现在我得开始工作了"没错"(Magicball显示)我出去一下我出去一下,拜拜拜拜什么事？你在干吗?窗户擦好了,蜡烛点上了皮带
太紧，我得去换一条鱼翻过了没?没，因为我做的是千层面我是否已走火人魔?一点点我不懂你们从他期中考开始约会突然间你…我怎么了?就在今
夜?我不知道他是个好男孩我喜欢和他在一起很难说事情会发生就是会发生这种事无法事先计划好腿毛刮了没?刮了罗斯，你就别再折磨自己了这只
是一场梦，不代表…时候到了，宝宝要出世了放轻松…冷静点有人call我？不，安卓不在这儿今天已是第三次了对，我确定没错，我不做那种服
务服务?服务对，你要打的是55一JUMB0没错有U的JUMB0不，先生，相信我你不会想要我的从他的号码看来你看到我会大失所望好吧，
再见了第一天上班如何?太棒了，每个人都很棒瞧，认识穿我鞋子的人是有代价的我不，我没告诉任何人我认识你为什么?因为他们并不喜欢你什么
?我以为你早知道不知道谁不喜欢我?每个人，除了…不，是每个人你在说什么?别难过他们过去都很喜欢你自从你升职后他们感觉你是上司大人物
，大老板我简直无法相信他们甚至还模仿你模仿我?对，报告要"何时"才能交来?我没有那样你有的这山谷因音乐而变得生动我的烤饼我的烤饼!
我没那样说话这”不”是真的这不…闭嘴不会吧告诉你，我到九岁时还以为枪口就是犯罪现场怎么会新闻老是报导犯罪事件某人在枪口下惊慌的观光
被挟持在枪口下我一直在想为何人总是要那儿去我该走了除非除非你要在这儿过夜我反正要在这里过夜…我也很想我们这样做前我得告诉你明天一早
有课?还是你已经与什么家伙秘密结婚了？在这两者之间就严格的技术上而言当然，我还没.....伊森，你是个处男?如果你们这些孩子现在这
样称呼的话对，我是个处男我一直在等待梦中情人出现是吗？是的。你知道我说的就是你吧?你一直哇个不停书报杂志，电影上不断出现甚至在家里
练习跟这感觉实在没得比听着，难为你肯据实相告如果你能坦白，我想我也能别告诉我是我做错了不，那件事你没做错我说了我不是22岁我是25
岁又13个月我猜我们之间不会有任何改变年龄根本就不是距离在你坦承之际我也有话要说我比你所知的年纪还小你不是四年级?我是四年级高中我
们错了我竟和一个在建国两百年国庆都还没出生的男人做爱我刚做爱了伊森，注意听你为何不早告诉我你也没告诉我你实际的年龄那不一样我的谎言
不会使我们成为罪犯你到底在想什么?我没在想什么我忙于...不准说爱你真的？对不起走吧，你不该来这儿的你该在学校过夜的天啊，我像是专
门勾引小帅哥的女人我成了琼考琳丝谁?好，安卓再45分钟就会到再见这样省事多了快，你已告诉我昨晚的梦不,死了这条心的为什么?难道是梦
中的我对你过于粗鲁？好吧不仅你在场乔伊也在场还有......其他人吗?没了你确定?旁边没人蠢蠢欲动?没有，只有我们三个是你跟钱德勒
之后再跟我还是我们三个同时?你知道吗?有几次甚至没有我真好摩妮卡…伊森又来电了摩妮卡…-摩妮卡！什么事？伊森又来电了你不想再见到他
了?对，有些事是无法勉强的这跟他需要假条才能离开学校无关?我什么都没说，我发誓他只是顺路过来下回见到他时能问闪电侠中最强的是谁?我
的生活简直是太多采多姿了可以换个话题吗?对不起。吗啡时间到了暴龙!剑龙!我得走了哇哦,脑充血.再来一次，我就得走了酷!你要上哪儿去
?我要去参加同学的生日会同事?没人跟我说?他们不希望你大驾光临我不懂一个月前他们是我朋友当上主管并不代表我会变那么说你今晚该来和他
们多相处让他们知道你还是个大好人你真的认为我该去?对,你该去我们能不一起去吗我不想成为邀请上司的家伙昨晚真是太棒了，卡拉0K我和崔
西合唱了首”乌木与象牙”你表现得很好大家仍然取笑你什么?你现在成了”管家婆”上司我要你上司”称兄道弟”上司我更迷糊了钱德勒，你得面
对现实你像个坐在大办室里的人一样有权录取他们也有权开除他们他们说你是个好上司是吗?他们不再是你的朋友我只是想.....你不能.你不
是要去…卡萝和我有了新系统如果打911就代表她将生产否则我就根本不理会安卓呢?早上他接到我表弟纳森的电话老实说我知道太多内幕了那也
是我的开场白你们看过浴室里的新吹风机没?我以为那只是谣传千真万确早就装了我得和你谈谈我不是17岁我这样说你才会认为我可爱惹人怜其实
我今年30我有老婆和工作我是你的国会议员摩妮卡，这太荒谬了我们在一起很开心我们聊天说笑做爱我虽然经验不多，但一切是那么美的确是那么
问题出在哪儿?伊森，那是不能长久的不能长久?因为如此你就想放弃?我是不得已的我希望情形不是这样如果你年长几岁，我年轻几岁或是我们生
活在圣经时代我就可以…不要说爱你你的手还没干?还是湿的那就再去烘一次这些萄葡酒能再“烈”一点吗?钱德勒宾先生我爱你昨晚的史提夫汪达
谢谢有关这周的数据九点"之"前请送到我办公室来没问题总得给他们些话题嘛刚刚是格斯顿，山托斯留胡子的那个叫什么?派崔，派崔，对这周末
有人得加班了真好罗斯罗斯？我在这儿你在?我们在..什么?这下可好，我有宝宝了我有宝宝了我有…电话在哪儿?电话在那儿罗斯我受伤了摩妮
卡，快走各位快点，她要生了罗斯，看这是什么留着付计程车吧你在干什么?我们要去医院我不能漂亮一点吗?那儿或许有医生乔，别翻冰箱了那是
干吗的?坐车的时候吃的.真讨厌，摩妮卡，快，宝宝就要出世了我真不敢相信我快当姑姑了我快有侄子了真感人，走吧走吧123 The On
e With the Birth[Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joe
y, and Monica are in the waiting room, waiting for Carol and Susa
n to arrive.] Ross: She''s not here yet. She''s not here. She''s hav
ing my baby and she''s not here.Monica: I''m sure everything''s fine
. Has her water broke yet?Ross: I don''t know, but when I spoke to
her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.(Joey makes
a sound of absolute disgust.)Joey: Do we have to know about that?
Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?Joey: I''
m gonna be in the waitin'' room, handing out cigars.Chandler: Yes,
Joey''s made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50
''s.Ross: God, I don''t believe this. She could be giving birth in
the cab.Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It''s probably like two dollars f
or the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additiona
l contraction.(Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a tast
eless comment.)Rachel: What, it''s ok when Chandler does it?Chandl
er: You have to pick your moments.(Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand
.)Phoebe: Did I miss it, did I miss it?Ross: She''s not even here
yet.Monica: What''s with the guitar?Phoebe: I just thought we migh
t be here for awhile. You know, things might get musical.(Carol a
nd Susan arrive.)Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been?Su
san: We stopped at the gift shop.Carol: I was looking at stuffed
animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky.Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. W
e''re having a baby, ok, a baby, you don''t stop for Chunkys.Chandl
er: I used to have that bumper sticker.(Everyone is amused by Cha
ndler''s comment.)Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean.Openin
g Credits[Scene: Carol''s Hospital Room, Carol is on the bed, Ross
and Susan are at her side.]Ross: Stopped for a Chunky.Carol: Let
it go, Ross.Susan: I got an extra one. You want this? (holds the
candy in front of Ross'' face)Ross: (weakly) No.(Carol''s doctor,
Dr. Franzblau arrives.)Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how''s my favorite pare
nting team doing?Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi.Dr. Franzblau: So, I und
erstand you''re thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you''re nine
months pregnant. That''s a good start. How you doing with your co
ntractions?Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one''s like a little party
in my uterus.Susan: They''re every four minutes and last 55 secon
ds.Ross: 59 seconds. (holds up his watch) Quartz, ha.Susan: Swiss
quartz, ha, ha.Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything?Dr. Franzbl
au: Ice chips, just ice chips. They''re at the nurses'' station.Ros
s: I''ll get it.Susan: No, I''m getting it. I''ll be right back.Ross
: I got it—I''m getting it!(They both leave just as Rachel enters
the room, holding a cup.)Rachel: Hi, I thought you might like som
e ice chips.Carol: Thanks.Rachel: And if you need anything else,
I—(notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau)—do not believe we''ve met.
Hi. I''m, uh, Rachel Green. I''m Carol''s... ex-husband''s... sister''
s roommate. Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I''m Dr. Franzb
lau. I''m your roommate''s... brother''s... ex-wife''s obstetrician.R
achel: Oh, that''s funny![Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is fal
ling asleep on Monica''s shoulder.]Monica: I want a baby.Chandler:
Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.Monica: Ge
t up. Come on. Let''s get some coffee.Chandler: Oh, ok, ''cause we
never do that.(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching t
he Knicks/Celtics game on television.)Joey: (to the screen) Shoot
! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That''s good too.(A youn
g pregnant woman enters.)Lydia: Knick fan?Joey: Oh, yeah.Lydia: O
h, boy, do they suck.Joey: Hey, listen, lady....(sees that she''s
pregnant)...whoa.Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot.
You know what, he couldn''t hit water if he was standing on a boa
t.Joey: Oh yeah? And who do you like?Lydia: The Celtics.Joey: The
Celtics? Ha. They couldn''t hit a boat if...wait. They suck, alri
ght?Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it''s a rebuilding year. You...
waah!Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a fa
ther over here! We need a father!Lydia: There is no father.Joey:
Oh, oh, oh, sorry.Lydia: Ok, that''s ok. I''m fine. I''m... oh!Joey:
Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to
be goin'' in here.Lydia: Ok.(Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital
room.)[Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a song. Chandl
er, Monica, and Ross are there as well.]Phoebe: (singing) They''re
tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,and soon they''ll grow up a
nd resent you so much. Now they''re yelling at you and you don''t k
now why, you cry and you cry and you cry. And you cry and you cry
and you cry...(Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.)Phoebe: Thanks, Ross.
Ross: Yeah. I''m paying you to stop.Phoebe: Ok.(A woman passes by,
carrying newborn twins.)Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, c
ute, cute.Monica: No fair. I don''t even have one. How come they g
et two?Chandler: You''ll get one.Monica: Oh yeah? When?Chandler: A
ll right. I''ll tell you what. When we''re 40, if neither one of us
are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one
?Monica: Why won''t I be married when I''m 40?Chandler: Oh, no, no.
I just meant hypothetically.Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won''
t I be married when I''m 40?Chandler: No, no, no.Monica: What is i
t? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?Chandler
: (trapped) Uh, uh.Monica: Well?Chandler: Dear God! This parachut
e is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he wa
s sitting in)(Rachel enters, in a formal dress.)Rachel: Hey.Phoeb
e: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.Monica: Did you go home an
d change?Rachel: Yeah, well, it''s an important day. I wanna look
nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by?Monica: No, I haven''t seen
him.Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. (Pause
) What if the baby needs him?Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal w
ith you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor? Rac
hel: Yeah, why?Chandler: No reason. (turns around, makes an ''Oh m
y God'' gesture with his eyes)[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospit
al room. Lydia is on the phone with her mother.]Lydia: Mom, we''ve
been through this. No, I''m not calling him. I don''t care if it i
s his kid, the guy''s a jerk. No, I''m not alone. Joey''s here. (pau
se) What do you mean, Joey who? (covers the phone, to Joey) Joey
who?Joey: Tribbiani.Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to
Joey) She wants to talk to you. Take the phone.Joey: (takes phone
) Hi, yeah, it''s me. (Listens) Oh, no no no, we''re just friends.
(Listens) Yeah, I''m single. (Listens) 25. (Listens) An actor. (Li
stens) Hello?Lydia: She''s not much of a phone person.Joey: Yeah,
so, uh, so, uh, what''s the deal with this father guy, I mean, if
someone was havin'' my baby somewhere, I''d wanna know about it, yo
u know?Lydia: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fa
therhood? Uh, no. Joey: Ok, look, maybe I should just go.Lydia: M
aybe you should.Joey: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh? (He leav
es, but then returns a moment later.)Joey: You know what the Celt
ics problem is? They let the players run the team.Lydia: Oh, that
is so not true.Joey: Oh, it is.Lydia: It isn''t.Joey: It is.Lydia
: Isn''t![Scene: Carol''s Hospital Room, Ross and Susan are coachin
g Carol.]Ross: Breathe.Susan: Breathe.Ross: Breathe.Susan: Breath
e.Ross: Breathe.Susan: Breathe.Carol: You''re gonna kill me!Ross:
15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12...Carol: Count faster.Susan: It''s gon
na be ok, just remember, we''re doing this for Jordie. Just keep f
ocusing on Jordie.Ross: Who the hell is Jordie?Susan: Your son.Ro
ss: No-no-no. I don''t have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my
son''s name is Jamie.Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan''s fi
rst girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.Ross: What? Whoa, whoa
whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.Carol: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.Ross: I got it.Susan: I got it.Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.Susan: No, you don''t.Carol: All right, that''s it. I want both of you out.Ross: Why?Susan: He started it!Ross: No, you started it.Susan: You did!Carol: I don''t care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you''re not making it any easier.Ross: But...Carol: Now go!Ross: (to Susan) Thanks a lot.Susan: (to Ross) See what you did.Ross: (to Carol) Yeah, listen...Carol: Out! (Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.)[Scene: Lydia''s Hospital Room, Joey is helping Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now present in her room as well.]Nurse: Breathe, breathe, breathe...Lydia: Oh, no.(Joey looks down at Lydia.)Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded!Nurse: It''s just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?Joey: (panicked) Water breaking, what do you mean? What''s that, water breaking?Nurse: (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe.[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]Ross: Please. This is so your fault.Susan: How, how is this my fault?Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.Susan: Yeah? Well, there''s a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.Ross: You tryin'' to be clever? A funny lady?Susan: You know what your problem is? You''re threatened by me.Ross: Oh, I''m threatened by you?Susan: Yes.(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom closet.)Phoebe: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that''s it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don''t believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it!Ross: Yeah, Susan.Phoebe: Don''t make me do this again, I don''t like my voice like this.(Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.)Phoebe: Ok, who wants to hear something ironic?Commercial Break[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are trying to get out.]All: Help!Ross: I''m having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. (Walks backwards as if he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls) Ow.[Scene: Carol''s room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau are there with her.]Carol: Are they here yet?Rachel: No, honey, they''re not, but don''t worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok?Carol: Ok.Rachel: Ok?Carol: Ok.Rachel: (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating.Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel. (Carol sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau casually lay her back down) There you go, dear. [Scene: Lydia''s Room, Joey is helping her deliver.]Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push ''em out, push ''em out, harder, harder. Push ''em out, push ''em out, way out! Let''s get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let''s— (notices the nurse looking at him strangely) I was just—yeah, right. Push! Push! [Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has picked up a vacuum and is holding it at the door.]Susan: What''re you gonna do, suck the door open?Ross: Help! Help!Phoebe: (singing) They found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next...(sees Ross and Susan staring at her) la la la la la la.Susan and Ross: (even louder) Help![Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the phone with her mother, Chandler is standing behind her.]Monica: Now, Mom, everything''s going fine, really. (Listens) Yeah, Ross is great. He''s uh, he''s in a whole other place. (Listens) No, he''s gone. (Listens) No no, you don''t have to fly back, really. (Listens) What do you mean this might be your only chance? (Listens) Would you stop? I''m only 26, I''m not even thinking about babies yet. (Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey enters.)Chandler: Where have you been?Joey: Oh, just had a baby.Chandler: Mazel tov![Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]Dr. Franzblau: I don''t know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, she''s doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone?Rachel: (anxiously) No, no, not at the moment, no, I''m not. Are you?Dr. Franzblau: No, it''s hard enough to get women to go out with me.Rachel: Right, yeah, I''ve heard that about cute doctors.Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it''s because I spend so much time, you know, where I do.Rachel: Oh.Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it''s hard, when you... do what I do. It''s like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?Rachel: I''m a waitress.Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren''t there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you''re just like, ''if I see one more cup of coffee''...Rachel: (getting the point) Yeah. Gotcha.Dr. Franzblau: I''m gonna go check up on your friend.Rachel: Ok. That''s fine. (takes her earrings out)[Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia''s Room, Joey is walking up to Lydia''s room with balloons, but before he enters he sees that the baby''s father has arrived. He listens at the door.]Lydia: So how did you know I was even here?Guy: Your mom called me. So is this her?Lydia: No, this is a loaner.Guy: I''m sorry you had to do this by yourself.Lydia: I wasn''t by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. (Joey smiles) So, did you see who won the game?Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.Lydia: Yeah, they''re not so bad.(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no success.]Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y''know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I''ve been waiting for this just as much as you have.Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?Susan: You get to be the baby''s father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There''s Mother''s Day, there''s Father''s Day, there''s no... Lesbian Lover Day.Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.Phoebe: This is so great.Ross: You wanna explain that?Phoebe: I mean, well, ''cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here''s this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they''re fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it''s not even born yet. It''s just, it''s just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I''m sorry, you were fighting.[Scene: Carol''s Room, she is ready to give birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe, Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.]Carol: Where are they?Monica: I''m sure they''ll be here soon.Rachel: Yeah, honey, they wouldn''t miss this.Joey: Relax. You''re only at nine centimeters. And the baby''s at zero station.Chandler: (to Joey) You are really frightening me.(Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by the shirt.)Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin'' to rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of him) Uh, that''s great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?Dr. Franzblau: All right, ten centimeters, here we go.Nurse: All right, honey, time to start pushing.Carol: But they''re not here yet!Dr. Franzblau: I''m sorry, I can''t tell the baby to wait for them.Carol: Oh, god.[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe is wearing a janitor''s uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]Ross: Ok, got the vent open.Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I''m Ben. I''m hospital worker Ben. It''s Ben... to the rescue!Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, That''s it, Ben.(Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.)Susan: What do you see?Phoebe: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.(A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.)Ross: Phoebs, It''s open! It''s open!(Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.)Janitor: (to Ross and Susan) Wait! You forgot your legs![Scene: Carol''s Room, Ross and Susan rush in.]All: Push, push!Ross: We''re here!Carol: (irked) Where have you been?Ross: Long story, honey.Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need—(reaches for an instrument, Rachel''s hand is on it) Excuse me, could I have this?Nurse: All right, all right, there''s a few too many people in this room, and there''s about to be one more, so anybody who''s not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!All: Good luck!(Everyone heads for the door.)Chandler: (to nurse) Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol''s lesbian life partner?Nurse: Out!Dr. Franzblau: All right, he''s crowning. Here he comes.Ross: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, it''s, it''s huge. Carol, how are you doing this?Carol: (straining) Not.... helping!Dr. Franzblau: You''re doing great, you''re doing fine. Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.Susan: What do you see? What do you see?Ross: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It''s a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He''s here. He''s a person.Susan: Oh, look at that.Carol: What does he look like?Ross: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-o.Carol: Really?Phoebe: (from the air vent overhead) You guys, he''s beautiful!Ross: Oh, thanks, Pheebs!(They look up towards the vent and wave at Phoebe.)[Scene: The Delivery Room, Carol is holding the infant.]Susan: No shouting, but we still need a name for this little guy.Ross: (thinking) How ''bout Ben?Susan: I like Ben.Carol: Ben. Ben. Ben''s good. How come you never mentioned Ben before?Ross: We uh, we just cooked it up.Susan: That''s what we were off doing.(Monica opens the door.)Monica: Hi.Ross: Hey.Monica: Can we come in?(The whole gang enters.)Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there''s someone I''d like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you.Susan: Thanks.Rachel: Oh, god, I can''t believe one of us actually has one of these.Chandler: I know, I still am one of these.Monica: Ross, can I?(Monica holds Ben.)Ross: The head, the head. You gotta...Monica: (getting choked up) Hi, Ben. Hi. I''m your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I''m your Aunt Monica. I...I will always have gum.Closing Credits[Scene: The Hospital, the camera is placed as though it were Ben''s eyes.]Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. (walks out of the picture) But I''ll still always come back, like this. (returns) And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. (walks away) But I''ll still always come back, like this. (returns) (Chandler comes into the picture.)Chandler: And sometimes, I''ll want you to steal third, and I''ll go like this. (Does a baseball sign.)(The rest of the group come into the picture.)Monica: He is so amazing.Rachel: Oh, I know. Look at him.Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don''t think that''s his name.Phoebe: Oh, look, look, he''s closing his eyes. (screen goes blank) Look, he''s opening his eyes. (picture comes back) Joey: He doesn''t do much, does he?Ross: No, this is pretty much it.(long moment of silence)Rachel: You guys wanna get some coffee?All: Yeah.Ross: All right, I''ll see you guys later.(They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.)Phoebe: Oh, look, he''s closing his eyes again.(The screen fades to black.)End123 本出世 强森大夫，七线电话她还没来她将生下我的小孩却还没来不会有事的她的羊水破了吗?我不知道她和我通话时说她已分泌粘液我们需要知道这一些吗?乔伊，你有小孩时你会怎么做?我会在等待室中送雪茄乔伊准备让他孩子出生在50年代的电影中我不敢相信她可能会在计程车中生产罗斯，冷静点第一次收缩收费二块钱之后每收缩一次收五毛钱什么?钱德这样说时就没事你得选对时间我错过了吗?没有，她根本还没出现干嘛带吉他来?我想我们会在这儿待一阵子来点音乐你到底上哪儿去了?我们中途在礼品店待了一会儿买什么?我想买填充玩具苏珊想买”矮胖”苏珊要矮胖?她就快生小宝宝了是小宝宝不能中途下车买矮胖我过去也用那个汽车贴纸懂我意思吗?下车买矮胖别介意了，罗斯我多了一个，想要吗?不想我最喜爱的父母团队好法大头我了解你们在考虑生宝宝的事我知道你已怀胎九月这是好的开始收缩的情况如何?我喜欢每一阵都像是子宫中的小舞会我喜欢每一阵都像是子宫中的小舞会制片：陶德史帝芬59秒，石英表瑞士石英表我能喝饮料吗?碎冰，只能喝碎冰护士站有我去拿不，我去，马上回来不，我去…我想你或许想喝碎冰谢谢如果还需要别的…我没见过吧?我叫瑞秋格林卡萝前任丈夫妹抹的室友幸会，我是法大夫你室友哥哥前妻的医生真有趣我要个宝宝今晚不行，亲爱的我明天得早起起来，我们去买咖啡好吧，因为我们没做过投…或是不进也行尼克迷?他们烂透了女士看，你的尤恩，漂亮他连坐在船上都投不进水里是吗?你支持谁?是吗?你支持谁?他们无法投进船…反正他们很烂闭嘴，今年是重建年?，我帮你孩子的爹我们这儿需要爸爸…他没有爸爸抱歉没关系，我没事这边洼所有的孕妇似乎都往这儿走他们又小又肉摸起来感觉很好不久他们长大后就会开始恨你现在他们对你大吼大叫你不知原因为何你不知原因为何谢谢，罗斯用来叫你停止的好吧看，是双胞胎，好可爱不公平，我一个都没有他们怎会有两个?你也会有的是吗?什么时候?好吧，告诉你我们40岁时如果都还单身我们就一起生一个，如何?为何我40岁时还单身?不，这只是假设假设为何我到40岁时还单身?假设为何我到40岁时还单身?我有不适婚姻的毛病吗?这降落伞是个背包看你，盛装登场你回家换衣服?今天是个重要的日子我想漂亮一点法大夫…不，我们还没见到他他在哪儿?他应该在这儿的万一小孩需要他怎么办?瑞秋，你和医生到底是怎么了难道你爸也是个医生?对，干嘛问?没理由没理由不，我不找他我不管这是不是他的孩子他是个大浑蛋不，我不是一个人乔伊在这儿什么意思?乔伊什么?什么意思?乔伊什么?对，等等，她要跟你谈对，等等，她要跟你谈对，是我不，我们只是朋友对，我单身25岁，演员她不擅于讲电话孩子的爸怎么了?如果有人即将生下我的孩子我会想知道的尼克迷你对爸爸的观点我不在乎或许吧祝你好运保重了你知道塞尔提克有什么问题?他们让球员经营球队这不是真的他们让球员经营球队这不是真的他们让球员经营球队这不是真的你们会窖死我的剩15秒14，13，12数4央点你会没事，记得这样做全是为了裘帝将全力集中在裘帝裘帝到底是谁?你儿子不，我不要我儿子叫裘帝我们协议过，我儿子叫洁米洁米是苏珊第一任女友的名字所以我们决定还是用裘帝这是什么意思?我们根本没讨论过裘帝我们讨论过洁希寇帝，迪伦时提到一下我脚抽筋我脚抽筋你和她睡觉我来处理抽筋你不行够了，你们都给我出去什么?是她引起的…我不管，我想生下小孩你们在这儿根本是愈帮愈忙卿走卿走出去出去怎么了?有东西爆炸了她破水了冷静点，行吗?她破水了?什么意思?什么是破水?什么是破水?拜托，都是你的错怎么说?为什么都是我的错?你们在一起之前卡萝从未把我赶出房间是吗?我出现之前有许多事卡萝没做过是吗?我出现之前有许多事卡萝没做过知道你的问题出在哪儿吗?你因我而感到岌岌可危我说的每件事都是问题我因你而感到岌岌可危?你到底在说什么?够了，进去，快我简直不敢相信你们两个小宝宝即将诞生在这栋建筑他听见的第一个声音不该是你们的吵闹声所以你们别再吵了对，苏珊别让我再发一次脾气我不喜欢我自己这样谁想听反讽的事?救命啊…我的宝宝就要诞生你们都退后你们都退后你们都退后找到人之前我们都会在这儿陪你的你告诉我巴黎的事真棒真的?那家糕饼店就在我住的饭店隔壁真的?那家糕饼店就在我住的饭店隔壁加油，莉迪亚，你办得到加油，莉迪亚，你办得到我只是…我只是…你想干嘛?将门吸开?你想干嘛?将门吸开?最后他们终于发现他们的尸体不，妈，一切顺利对，罗斯很好他在其他地方不，他不见了不，你们不用飞回来我唯一的机会?什么意思?别再说了，行吗?我才26岁我连小孩的事都没想过你上哪儿去了?我刚生了个小孩了不起说不定，或许是一小时也可能是三小时别请放心，她的状况良好告诉我，目前有对象吗?没有，现在没有你呢?没有，我不容易找到对象对，我听过有关帅哥大夫的传间没有，真的我想和我工作有关我试着不让工作影响我的生活如果你是我你从事什么工作?我是服务生难道你下班回家后不会觉得…如果我再看见咖啡杯…我懂我去看看你朋友你怎么会知道我在这儿?你妈打电话告诉我的这就是她?不，这是我捡来的抱歉，让你自己承担这一切我不是自己一个我有大夫，护士和善心人士知道谁赢吗?尼克胜十分他们好烂是吗?他们没那么差劲可恶…都是你的错这本来是我今生最快乐的日子我儿子即将出世我应该在那儿的而不是被困在这儿我所爱的女人就要生我和你一样期待已久不，相信我没人像我如此期待讽刺的是你们将带着宝宝回家讽刺的是你们将带着宝宝回家大家都知道你是我是谁?这世上有父亲节，母亲节却没有女同志节每天都是女同志节精彩愿意解释吗?因为我小时候我爸离开我妈过世，我继父入狱我根本得不到父母的爱如今他有如此爱他的三个父母甚至为谁给他的爱最多而吵架而且他根本还未出世他真是全天下最幸福的宝宝抱歉，你们正在吵架他们在哪儿?他们很快就会来对，他们不会错过的对，放轻松才开九公分宝宝没那么快出来你吓到我了谁愿意帮我吗?她想掏出我的心脏这下可好，有人看见乳头吗?十公分，开始用力不要再用力了他们还没好抱歉，我无法叫宝宝等他们来抱歉，我无法叫宝宝等他们来通气口开了我是宾我是医院工人宾宾前来抢救了宾，准备好没?脚给我数到数到数到你看见什么?我看见黑暗的通气孔等等，真的是黑暗的通气孔菲此，门开了等等，你们忘了脚我们来了你们上哪儿去了说来话长卡萝，我要你不断用力抱歉，我能用这个…这里人太多了而且待会儿又会多一个所以不是前任丈夫和女同志终身伴侣者请出去再见了…祝好运…我问你，要卡萝的女同志终身伴侣才行吗?出去他的头露出来了让我看看…是头…好大卡萝，你是怎么办到的?于事无补你做得很好…抱歉你看见什么?我何时能见到头，肩膀和手臂都出来了看，是手指，肚子是男的百分百男孩百分百男孩他出来了他是个人他是个人他像谁?像我叔叔艾德，被果冻包着像我叔叔艾德，被果冻包着各位，他好漂亮谢了，菲此不准大吼我们仍需要为他取个名字宾如何?我喜欢宾宾，这名字不错你们之前怎没提过这名字?刚想出来的这就是我们不在时做的事我们能进来吗?当然，请进我知道各位，向你们介绍一个人他叫宾宾，这是大家宾，这是大家苏珊，他看起来像你谢谢天啊，没想到我们之啤有人生宝宝了我知道，我也是其中之罗斯我能吗?好，头，你必须…宾，我是你姑姑摩妮卡没错，我就是你姑姑摩妮卡我将永远有…牙齿我将永远有…牙齿我要你知道有时我会不在像这样我会回来像这样有时我会离开更久像这样我仍会回来像这样有时我要你到三垒我会这样他太神奇了对，我知道，你看他对，我知道，你看他没反应我想他不喜欢这名字看，他闭上眼睛了看，他张开眼睛了他不常动吧?这样已算动了你们想喝咖啡吗?想…口引门待会儿见看，他又闭上眼睛了124 The One Where Rachel Finds Out[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.]Ross: And here''s little Ben nodding off...Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica''s little boy!Phoebe: Oh, look, he''s got Ross''s haircut!Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!(Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.)Ross: (quietly) That would be nice.(Chandler, annoyed with Ross''s fawning, makes a ''pfft'' noise.)Rachel: Pardon?Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated)(Joey is looking at his check.)Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I''ll pay you back.Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.Joey: I will, really. I''ll pay you back this time.Chandler: (sigh)... And where''s this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)Joey: Well... I''m helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some... research.Ross: (overhearing) What kind of research?Joey: Oh, just, y''know.... science.Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I''ve heard of that. (everyone''s interest is piqued, they all look over)Joey: (sigh)... It''s a fertility study.(Rachel laughs.)Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you''re only donating your time.Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it''s not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.Ross: Hey.Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you''re gonna be making money hand over fist!Opening Credits[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel''s birthday.]Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns...Phoebe: We''ve got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... (hands meat to Monica)(Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.)Chandler: (in a deep voice) Men are here.Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.Monica and Phoebe: Ewww!Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she''s gonna be late.Joey: Oh, OK.Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your (provocatively) special someone?Joey: I don''t know, she''s, uh.... she''s pretty great.Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?Joey: What, you think I''m gonna tell a girl I like that I''m also seeing a cup?Monica: Man''s got a point.Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.Chandler: Crazy bitch.Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I''m not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean.[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]Phoebe: Hey.Monica: Hey.Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags)Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?Ross: I''m going to China. Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and...Monica: You''re going to China?Ross: Yeah, i-it''s for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don''t want us to have the bone, so I''m going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo—it''s—it''s a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I''m gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can''t. So here''s my itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um... here''s a picture of me... (hands it to Monica)Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture)Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol''s every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn''t forget me?Monica: Yeah.(Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.)Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I''m your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.Monica: Oh no, she''s out having drinks with Carl.Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey, who''s Carl?Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.Ross: No.Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there''s this guy she met at the...Ross: At the coffeehouse, right.Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry.Ross: OK, I''m gonna go say goodbye to the guys.Phoebe: Oh, hey, y''know what? Tell them that bone story.(Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)Ross: Hi.Joey: Hey!Chandler: Hey!Ross: (sigh)....I have to go to China.Joey: The country?Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom''s breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?Chandler: Uh, let''s see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no.Ross: Well, Rachel''s having drinks with him tonight.Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she''s never shown any interest in you?!?Chandler: Forget about her.Joey: He''s right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don''t—I don''t know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for Rachel)Joey: Listen, buddy, we''re just looking out for you.Ross: I know.Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug)Chandler: I''m still on my first. I just think you''re nice.[Time lapse. Melanie, Joey''s girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]Melanie: Anyway, that''s when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves ''The Three Basketeers.''Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey''s stupidity)Monica: (gets up) OK, how does everybody like their burgers?Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. (walks into living room)(Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.)Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How''s it going? How you holding up?Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we''re gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I...(Monica rolls her eyes.)Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh.Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?Joey: What do you mean?Monica: Y''know, just be there for her.(Long pause... Joey looks confused.)Joey: Not following you.Monica: Think about it.(They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.)Rachel: OK, I''m guessing this is from...(Melanie smiles.)Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie.Chandler: (pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from me.Rachel: (picks it up) OK... ah, it''s light... (shakes it)...it rattles... it''s... (opens it) Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him)(Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.)Rachel: This one''s from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it''s a book... feels like a book. And...(opens it)...it''s a book!Phoebe: Oh, it''s Dr. Seuss!Joey: (to Rachel): That book got me through some tough times.Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he''ll die.(Rachel picks up the next gift.)Rachel: Who''s this from?Chandler: Oh, that''s Ross''s. Rachel: Oh... (opens it)... (sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.Phoebe: Remembered what?Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can''t believe he remembered!Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)Phoebe: Oh, it''s so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.Monica: I can''t believe he did this.Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?(Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross''s crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.) Rachel: What did you just say?Chandler: (panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck.Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... ''love'' part?Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin....Rachel: Oh.... my God.Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no....Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That''s good, just keep rubbing your head. That''ll turn back time.Commercial Break[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, continued from earlier.]Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.Chandler: No it''s not. It''s small. It''s tiny. It''s petite. It''s wee.Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don''t think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?Joey: Well, given that he''s desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn''t mind getting a cup of coffee or something.Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I''ve got to talk to him. (gets up to leave)Chandler: (quickly) H-He''s in China!Joey: The country.Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross''s itinerary) His flight doesn''t leave for another forty-five more minutes.Chandler: What about the time difference?Monica: From here to the airport?Chandler: Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You''re never gonna make it!Monica: Rachel, what''re you gonna say to him?Rachel: I-I-I don''t know.Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn''t go. Joey: He''s right, cause if you''re just gonna, like, break his heart, that''s the kind of thing that can wait.Monica: Yeah, but if it''s good news, you should tell him now.Rachel: I don''t know. Maybe I''ll know when I see him.Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help?(Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.)Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y''know, I just, I''ve just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I''ll see you later. (opens door)Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)[Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a ''How To Speak Chinese'' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]Ross: (something in Chinese)Flight Attendant: Alright!Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway)(Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.)Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me....(Rachel gets up to the jetway.)Flight Attendant: Hi!Rachel: Hi.Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass?Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don''t have one. I just need to talk to my friend.Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I''m sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.Rachel: No, I know, but I—he just went on. He''s right there, he''s got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just...Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations!Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.Flight Attendant: Alright. What''s the message?Rachel: Uh... I don''t know.[Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you.Man: (confused) What?Flight Attendant: It''s from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back.Man: (to wife): Toby... Oh, for God''s sake, I don''t know what she''s talking about! There''s no Rachel! Don''t give me that deep freeze.[Scene: Joey''s Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together.]Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute!Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin''.Melanie: Well, now we''ve gotta find something fun for you! (she starts kissing his chest)Joey: (panicked) Uhhh.. y''know what? Forget about me. Let''s, uh... let''s give you another turn.Melanie: (surprised) M-Me again?Joey: Sure! Why not?Melanie: Boy, somebody''s gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.(Joey starts to kiss her.)Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.Joey: How do you mean?Melanie: I don''t know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who''re always ''me, me, me.'' But you... you''re a giver. You''re like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you''re practically a woman.[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel''s gifts.] Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it''s only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?Rachel: I don''t know. I don''t know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y''know, it''s Ross. Y''know what I mean? I mean, it''s Ross.Monica and Phoebe: Sure.Rachel: I don''t know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I''m thinking... oh, I''m thinking it''d be really great.Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we''d be like friends-in-law! Y''know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it''s like starting on the fifteenth date!Phoebe: Yeah, but, y''know, it''s... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.Monica: Another good point.Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you''re at the fifteenth date, y''know, you''re already in a very relationshippy place. Y''know, it''s... you''re committed.Rachel: (confused) Huh?Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn''t work out?Monica: Why isn''t it working out?Rachel: I don''t know... sometimes it doesn''t.Monica: Is he not cute enough for you?Rachel: No!Monica: Does he not make enough money? Rachel: No, I''m just....Phoebe: Maybe there''s someone else.Rachel: Wha...Monica: Is there? Is there someone else?Rachel: No! There is.. there is noone else!Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?[Scene: Chandler and Joey''s, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]Chandler: Hey, big...Joey: Shhhh!Chandler: (quietly) ...spender.Joey: She''s still asleep.Chandler: So how''d it go?Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you''re great in bed?Chandler: The fact that you''d even ask that question shows how little you know me.Joey: Well, it''s like, last night, I couldn''t do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It''s like, all of a sudden, I''m blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y''know? It''s like... I was able to appreciate it on another level.Chandler: I didn''t know you had another level.Joey: I know! Neither did I![Scene: Monica and Rachel''s, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?Rachel: Yeah.Monica: Oh, from who?Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.Monica: Well, it''s the thought. Hey, doesn''t Ross''s flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y''know, honey, I''ve been thinking about it and I''ve decided this—this whole Ross thing, it''s just not a good idea.Monica: Oh, why?Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn''t just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don''t wanna...Monica: (gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you''re already so...Monica: I am not ''so''! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I''ll be good. I promise.(Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.)Rachel: Who is it?Intercom: It''s me, Carl.Rachel: C''mon up.Monica: Behind my brother''s back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won''t be hearing from me.[Scene: Chandler and Joey''s, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]Joey: Seven hundred bucks!Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y''know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.Chandler: Really? So, you''re gonna stick with this ''it''s all for her'' thing?Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)[Scene: Monica and Rachel''s Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]Carl: I''m just sayin'', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I''m gonna shoot myself! I mean, don''t get me wrong... I''m not against environmental issues per se.... it''s just that guy!(Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross—a figment of Rachel''s imagination— shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.)Ross: I can''t believe you''d rather go out with him than me.Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I''m trying to have a date here.Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me.(She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.)Ross: Can''t do it, can you?Rachel: So I''m thinking about you. So what?Ross: I don''t get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy....Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.Rachel: Ross, it''s too hard.Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I''ve been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade. Rachel: Ross, you''re like my best friend.Ross: I know.Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you...Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we''re gonna break up?Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven''t broken up?Ross: (pause) No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me?Rachel: I don''t know... I mean, I''ve never looked at you that way before.Ross: Well, start looking. (They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.)Rachel: Wow.Carl: Exactly! And you just know I''m gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!Rachel: Right! You''re right!Carl: Heh... y''know?Rachel: You know what?Carl: What?Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I''m so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... (gives him her drink) I mean—I''m sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I''m sorry. (Rachel leaves.)Carl: But...[Scene: Airport. Madonna''s Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]Rachel: (sifting through crowd) Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.[Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel''s message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.]Man: For God''s sake, will you let it go? There''s no Rachel!(A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.)Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that.(Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman kiss.)Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie.Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.Julie: Really?Ross: Yeah. Julie: You don''t think they''ll judge and ridicule me?Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh...Ross and Julie: Can''t wait.Ross: Come on, they''re gonna love you.[Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross''s arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]End124 瑞秋恍然大悟小彬彬睡着了看莫妮卡姑姑的小男孩瞧，他有罗斯的发型我看看天啊，真可爱你一定想吻遍他那感觉一定很好怎么了？没什么只是嘴里有多余的空气钱德，愿意帮我吗？我保证一定会还的好，包括上星期的威化饼现在你欠我数不清的钱这一次我真的会还你哪儿来的钱？我正帮纽约大学医学院做一些研究什么研究？嗯……科学研究科学？我想我听说过生殖研究乔伊，请告诉我你只贡献时间拜托，这没什么大不了的真的，我只是两天去一趟对这计划作些贡献但两周后我就有七百元。你将“靠手”赚钱我们有酸卷心菜丝，小面包还有绞牛肉及火鸡肉男人回来了我们生火烧肉然后撒尿熄火结果不再被邀请了真逗乔伊，玛莲妮来电说她会迟到好你们俩进展得如何？她会成为你的心上人吗？我不知道，她很好是吗？她对你的研究计划有何感想？你认为我会告诉她我也和“杯子”约会？男人考虑得真多麻烦的是她想和我做爱这娘儿们疯了此计划我只剩一星期根据规定如果我想拿到钱我就不能做“个人”实验如果你们懂我意思的话乔伊，我们一直都懂你的意思嗨嗨你以为烧烤要多久？我要去中国了你说一件事…你要去中国？对，为博物馆出差有人找到骨头我们要骨头但他们不想给我们骨头因此派我去说服他们给我们骨头都是骨头的事总之，我要去一个星期你们将联络不到我这是我的行程表这是我的照片让我看你能时不时拿照片到卡萝家去给彬看？这样他就不会忘记我了彬，我是你爸爸我是头这回烧烤一定很好玩瑞秋在吗？我想在我离开前祝她生日快乐她和卡尔在外面喝酒卡尔是谁？她在咖啡屋认识的那个不认识这个人是她…在咖啡屋认识的这么说你知道他是谁我去跟他们道别告诉他们骨头的事吧我得到中国(磁器)一趟国家？不，我妈家中的一大堆盘子你知道卡尔是谁吗？我想想看艾文，赛门，希尔朵…不认识瑞秋今晚和他在一起喝酒不，她还没对你有任何表示前怎能这样做？忘了她吧他说得对，伙计去吧，到中国，吃中国菜当然，他们在那儿只称为菜是吗？大概吧，我也不知道帮我把这个交给她，好吗？兄弟，我们只是为你着想我们要你快乐或许我喝了两瓶但我爱你我只喝了一瓶我觉得你人真好总之，我和朋友开始水果篮事业后我们就自称为”三篮人”就像“三剑客”，只是多了水果好吧，谁想吃汉堡？不，先拆礼物，待会儿再吃东西等等，猛男进展得如何？不太顺利她想在今晚就“敲定这笔交易”如果你…你懂曾想过要为她着想？什么意思？只为她着想不懂好好想一想我猜这是…谢谢，玛莲妮这是我送你的好轻，还有声音是……旅游拼字谢谢这是乔伊送的感觉像是一本书我猜是一本书感觉像是一本书就是一本书是《苏博士》那本书让我度过许多难关这男人里面有个小孩医生说把他移走他就会死这是谁送的？罗斯送的天啊，他记得记得什么？几个月前我们经过一家古董店在橱窗看见这个胸针时我告诉他我小时候我祖母也有一个没想到他还记得虽然如此，但你能在飞机上玩吗？好漂亮真漂亮一定花了他不少钱没想到他会这么做拜托，罗斯？记得大学的时候他和卡萝谈恋爱时他送给她一只贵死人的水晶鸭你刚才说什么？水晶鸭不……“恋爱”那一部份谈…谈……天啊糟了……很好，继续挠你的头时间会倒流的太不可思议了真是太不可思议了我知道，这真是太大了不，它又小又细又霉我认为我们的生活将产生变化这女人身上有静音按钮吗？我认为这样很好啊你和罗斯你有感觉吗？没有我来到纽约的第一夜他曾提过要约我出去但他后来再没提过邀我出去所以我……他还说些什么？他想约我出去？如果他爱你爱得无法自拔他大概想和你喝杯咖啡什么的罗斯？这些日子以来？我得找他谈谈可他现在中国那个国家等等，他的飞机再过45分钟才会起飞时差呢？从这儿到机场？对你赶不上的我得试试瑞秋，你要对他说什么？我也不知道那么或许你不该去没错，因为你是去伤他的心不妨再等等对，但如果是好消息你得立刻去我也不知道或许见到面时我就知道这个有帮助吗？没用我只知道我等不了一星期这件事太严重了我得和他谈谈，再见了瑞秋，我爱你先跟我把事情解决你笑什么？罗斯，抱歉请出示登机证我没有,我只是想找我朋友抱歉，除非有登机证否则不能进人我知道，他刚走他就在那儿，穿蓝色夹克我能…不行……联邦法规好吧，能请你帮我传话给他？这件事非常重要好吧，请说我也不知道抱歉，先生有人叫我传话给你什么?是瑞秋她说她喜欢你送的礼物你回来后她想见你什么？桃碧，拜托，我不知道她在说什么我不认识瑞秋别给我脸色看呣……乔伊……我想我爽昏了这不算什么现在让我来伺候你别管我了我再伺候你一回又是我？当然，有何不可？明天有人会收到大水果篮我得告诉你你不像我想像中的那样什么意思？说不上来大概是我认为你是只顾自己享受的人但你是个乐于付出的人你是我见过最慷慨的人你简直就是个女人瑞秋，这包装纸要留下来吗？只破了一点点你要为罗斯留下还是要我丢掉？我不知道我左思右想罗斯，就是罗斯了当然这是我内心深处的感受我想这样应该会很不错天啊，我也是这样想这样我们就成了亲戚兼朋友你知道最棒的是什么？最棒的就是你已对他了如指掌就好像从第15次约会开始对，但这就像从第15次约会开始这观点也不错不，在第15次约会时感情已相当深厚你们已经定下来了如果感情破裂该怎么办？为何会感情破裂？不知道，感情是勉强不来的你不觉得他帅？什么？他钱赚得不够多？不,我只是或许是另有其人？有吗？还有另外的男人？没有，没有另有其人那么你为何甩掉我哥？什么?大…挥霍者她还在睡觉情况如何？简直是太神奇了你有没有老觉得自己床上功夫不错？你会问这种问题表示你根本不了解我昨晚我不能做让自己满足的事因此我得搬出全套功夫结果我得到什么回应？我的天啊就像是盛大的游行我知道游行发生时我的房间就非常接近游行路线这简直是太神奇了而且不只是对她对我也一样我就好像突然失明但其他的感官却更加的敏感好像我达到更高的境界我不知道你还有更高的境界我懂，我自己也不知道漂亮的裙子，生日礼物？对谁送的？你我把你送的衬衫拿去换的真聪明罗斯的飞机不是再过几小时就要抵达了？27-B出口？对我一直在想我虽决定和罗斯在一起但这样或许不好为什么？因为我感觉我不只是和他出去而是和你们大家一起出去因为压力…不……没有压力…八字都还没一撇你就…我没有开始我也觉得有点奇怪但我没事的，我保证谁啊？是我，卡尔上来！背着我哥？我就不做出这种疯狂事-七百块！-好样的，你办到了！我们有水果可以吃吗？折腾了两星期但我感觉自己学到了一些真的？这么说你将继续“牺牲自己成全她人”？你疯了不成瞎子重见光明后会这样走路吗？我是说如果我再看见艾德贝格拉二世在那电车上我就举枪自尽别误会我的意思我个人并不反对环保只是我讨厌那家伙我难以相信你跟他约会而不是跟我抱歉，我正在约会行，那就别再想我办不到，对不？我在想你，那又怎样？我不懂你为何会选上这种人？他像是个好男人老兄，买台真正的车吧瑞秋，给我一个机会吧罗斯，太难了为什么？因为大家会感觉不对劲？谁理他们啊这是我们两人的事我从九年级开始就爱上你罗斯，你像是我最要好的朋友我知道如果分手我将失去你不，你为何认为我们会分手？曾和你在一起的人不是都和你分手了是但这种事只会发生一次你我都知道我们是天生的一对，对不？关键是你对我有感觉吗？我不知道我从未以那种方式看你那就开始看吧没错，我就是被困在车阵中的那一个对……你知道吗？什么我忘了我应该去机场接朋友真是抱歉如果你想在这儿继续喝，请便但我得走了,抱歉可是让一让……让一让……桃碧，别再胡思乱想了没有瑞秋这个人嘿，你掉了东西谢谢,甜心不客气我迫不及待想把你介绍给我朋友们真的？对你不认为他们会对我评头论足、取笑我？他们会的但我实在是等不及别担心，他们一定会喜欢你的 |
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