《今日心理学》(Psychology Today) 2011年9月30日讯 作者 Jen Kim 译者 seez_franco He's just not that into you." I know you hate this phrase. I hate it more. Mostly, because it's true-- even when we are living in complete denial about it. Sorry, but if he's not calling you, it's not because all of his fingers were chopped off in a freak text messaging accident or he's lying in a coma somewhere. It's because he doesn't like you or doesn't like you enough to call you. “他其实没那么喜欢你。” 我知道这话不中听。其实我对这话比你还要反感。这八成是因为它是句大实话,虽然我们总是死不承认。不过,他要是没给你打电话,对不起了,这可不是因为他的十个指头在一场稀奇古怪短信意外中“光荣挂彩”了,也不是因为他倒在某个犄角旮旯里不省人事了。事情的真相是他还不够爱你,他还没爱你爱到非给你打电话不可的地步。 You have to be aware that even though you may be enjoying an LSD-like love high, your new significant other may be feeling something entirely different. 你必须意识到,即使你在高潮时像磕药那样爽到爆,你那个上任不久、吹毛求疵的另一半心里所想的可能完全不是那么回事儿。 Oftentimes, I get asked about red flags in dating and relationships. From personal experience and those of so many ladies I know, I have compiled a few warning signals to watch out for and how to deal with them. As always, there are exceptions but I am never the exception, and probably, neither are you. 我常被问及在约会和保持恋爱关系的过程中有哪些注意事项。参照我的个人体验以及我所熟悉的部分女士的经历,我归纳总结出以下几条提示,以便各位谨慎处理上述问题。不过,俗话说“不怕一万就怕万一”,特例这玩意儿总是有的,可我从不当特例,相信你也一样。 1. He talks about his ex frequently. It's fine to bring up the ex once in a while under very neutral contexts, e.g., "My ex has the kids this week." But talking incessantly about prior relationships is tacky and might also imply that there are still some unresolved issues lingering in his head, whether it's rage, resentment or doubt. This rule applies to you too. Do not mention your previous love life and its contents, including: pet names, restraining orders or penis size. 1.他总是频繁谈到前女友。 Relationship therapist Dr. Turndorf suggests, if he mentions the ex and it bothers you, speak up and say something: "The effective way of handling this is to ask him if he knows how he feels when he brings up the subject of his ex? Does he feel hurt? Does he feel angry?" If his problems persist, keep in mind that you don't have to. 恋爱关系治疗师吞道夫博士建议说,倘若他提起前女友且这让你不爽的话,你就该直截了当地跟他挑明。“对付这种事最有效的方法就是问他当谈到前女友时感觉怎样。是感到伤心呢?还是窝火?”如果他还是改不掉这个毛病,那你最好记着:你用不着一忍再忍,男人不是只有他一个。 In the beginning of a relationship, each party should ideally have a clean slate and be on their best behavior, instead of showcasing their baggage like a badge of honor. 在恋情初期,恋爱双方最好都能撇清过去、以诚相待,而不是像秀荣誉勋章那样到处炫耀自己的情感包袱。 2. He tells you he's not ready for a relationship. I can't believe how many times I've heard women dismiss this statement and continue pursuing unavailable men. These guys will flat out tell you that they don't want to commit to you, but here you are, baking them cookies, enjoying naked sleepovers and gushing to all your girlfriends about what a catch he is. Because, "once he sees how great you are, he will surely commit. 2.他告诉你他尚未准备好正式确定恋爱关系
If this is you, please find someone to slap you back into reality. The truth is-- he doesn't want a relationship (it's the same as not being ready for one), even with someone as delightful and wonderful as you. And you shouldn't waste your time trying to convince him otherwise, because his mind is already set. Bake cookies for someone who cares about you--like that friend who slaps you into back into reality (and not the one who tells you that he'll come around, eventually.) 你要真是我说的这种人,那么请找个人把你pia回现实吧。现实就是,即便是像你这样讨喜又出众的姑娘,他也不打算确立关系(这跟“没有准备好”是一回事)。你大可不必苦口婆心地劝他回心转意,这是浪费时间,因为他心意已决。去给那些真正在乎你的人烘烤爱心饼干吧,比如那个把你pia回现实的朋友(而不是说什么“他迟早会回到你身边”这类无稽之谈的朋友)。 I've been in this situation before, waiting it out like an idiot. Needless to say, I have yet to see a ring on it. 我也曾有过这样的经历,像白痴一样傻傻等待,到头来还不是一场空。 3. He wants to get into a relationship immediately. Refusing to commit to you is not a good thing, but neither is moving into a relationship at lightning speed. Relax, you aren't Benjamin Button-- you don't have five minutes to fall in love and have babies. If your man tells you he loves you or wants to commit to you during or shortly after the first date, something is up. (Unless of course, you do too, and it's love at first sight for both of you.) 3.他想立刻与你确立关系。
I actually know a guy who asked a girl to be his girlfriend during the first date, then broke up with her two weeks later, because he realized that she was "boring." Well, duh. I'm surprised he even knew anything beyond her first name at that point. Relationships can only succeed when there is a foundation to base it upon, such as common interests and experiences. Just because you both order the Caesar salad, doesn't make you compatible. 事实上,我认识这么一个家伙,他在跟女孩子第一次约会时便请求人家做他女朋友,两周后却又跟人家分手了,因为他发现这个女孩子很“无趣”。本来就是嘛,我都怀疑他当初开口示爱的时候除了人家的名字之外还知道些什么。成功的恋爱关系少不了牢固的根基,比如共同的爱好和经历。仅仅是你俩都点了凯撒沙拉可不代表你们就是天生一对。 Similarly, relationship expert and author Lynn Harris advises against premature "I love yous": "The first time you feel like saying it, count to ten, go home and say it to your cat." You don't want to mistake love for a really romantic evening or a great night in bed. (恋爱)关系专家及作家林恩?哈里斯同样反对过早说“我爱你”:“你要是头一次有说这种话的冲动,那就请默数到十,回到家对你的咪咪说去。”相信我,你绝不想把一个浪漫之夜或一场鱼水之欢错当成恋爱。 4. He still hasn't asked you out. This should be a given, but I can't tell you how many times I've heard people texting or g-chatting for months and months before any attempt at physical contact is made. If you're seeking mild flirtation or a virtual relationship, texting is fine-but if you want something more, then he needs to make a move in real life. If you're at a point where you don't want to wait anymore, stop waiting. You shouldn't have to force someone to ask you out. 4.他迟迟不肯约你出去。 5. He doesn't let you go near his phone. This is also a given, in my opinion. But I have firsthand witnessed relationships in which phones are private property, locked and guarded with military-like defense systems. If your partner has issues about letting you see his phone, then chances are, he's hiding something sketchy. The mere fact that he turns all Charlie Sheen on you the moment you go near it should be a big clue. I'm not saying that couples need to share passwords or answer each other's phones, but you shouldn't ever feel like he's keeping something important from you either. If you feel weird about something, tell him. Maybe he's got a great excuse, like he's in the CIA or running from the mob. It's way better than finding those naked pictures of his ex later on. 5.他不许你碰他的手机。
6. He doesn't give you butterflies. He may have a great career, a nice apartment with hardwood floors, a humanitarian heart and killer abs, but if he doesn't make your heart all warm and fuzzy, he's not it. 6.他没给你心动的感觉。 Chemistry isn't instant-- sometimes, it can be discovered gradually, like in these situations. But, after a certain point, you will know if that spark is missing. And if that's the case, be gentle and kind. After all, wouldn't you want to be let down just as easy if someone just wasn't that into you? 化学效应不是瞬间产生的,有时候它需要你慢慢去发现,就像上面所提到的那些情况一样。不过,过了某一个时间点,你便能确定你们之间爱的火花是不是已经熄灭了。果真是那样的话,你要做的也只是放宽心从容应对。毕竟,何必让一个其实没那么喜欢你的家伙这么轻易地伤了你的心呢? |
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