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你有很多关于教育的困惑和问题，希望得到权威、靠谱的解答？ 百日行动派活动期间 我们邀请了教育行业一线大咖 每天详细解答一个家长提问 100天， 100个问题， 100次学习与成长的机会！ 你准备好了吗？ 问 发现孩子每次外出都要买东西，如果不满足，孩子闹情绪，我内心确实不接受，有时候看到别的孩子对买东西没有那么强的欲望，我就更不能接受。但有时候会心软给孩子买，买了以后会担心，是否会惯坏孩子。对于孩子的这些欲望，我该如何引导。
劳伦斯·科恩 美国临床心理学家 儿童游戏治疗师 首先，我不认为其他孩子和你的孩子不一样。在商店里，当其他孩子要买东西，或者因为不能买东西而哭闹时，可能你并没有留意到，或者这无法引发你的情绪波动。如果你问其他家长，你会发现，许多孩子每次出门都会要求买东西，不给他们买，他们就会很生气。所以我向你保证，这是很常见的事情。你的困境也很常见：我到底是该让孩子不开心呢，还是买了却惯坏他？我是该说好，避免孩子伤心呢，还是应该坚决说不，以免骄纵他？我认为这是一个大问题，如果我们给孩子买东西只是为了避免他哭，比如：“好了，好了，不要哭了，不要哭了。我什么都同意，我什么都给你买，只要你别哭了就行。”这样做会违背我们内心认可的价值观，只是为了让孩子没有情绪。我认为这就是问题的来源。在我看来，不时地给孩子买些礼物，并不会宠坏他们。但如果你是因为不能忍受他们大哭而买东西，则会是一个问题。 当然，因为孩子哭而惩罚他，是更糟糕的做法。但这两种做法有一个共同点，就是我们感到“哦，我不能接受这种情绪。”所以我会对你生气、惩罚你，直到你停止哭泣，或者我会给你买你想要的任何东西，来让你停止哭泣。但事实上，孩子因为得不到想要的东西而大哭，是很正常的。这是一个哭泣的好理由。你说你真地不能接受这样的行为。那么，我想问问你：“你到底不能接受什么呢？”是你不能接受孩子想买东西吗？当他在商店里看到一些非常有趣的、令人兴奋的、或者很美味的东西而想买时，你不能接受他想要这些东西的想法吗？如果是这样，我建议你接受。这对于孩子、甚至成人来说都是很正常的。或者，你不能接受的是，当你说不的时候孩子不高兴？那我就要反驳你了，孩子想要东西而又被我们拒绝了，他当然不开心。我们成人也是一样啊，假如我们想要某种东西而不能拥有，我们当然也会不高兴。所以，我认为想要东西、或者没得到而不高兴，都不是不可以接受的。这是生活的一部分。 接下来，我们来谈谈表达悲伤和愤怒的方式。也许这才是你认为不可接受的部分。我认为只有当我们倾听孩子，接纳他们用自己方式表达，包括那些不怎么友善的方式时，我们才能帮助孩子们学习良好、恰当、和健康的情绪表达方式。他们不会说：“对不起，妈妈，我真得很想要那个。如果你说不行，我会很难过的”。世界上没有孩子会这么说话。相反，他们的做法是尖叫、大哭、在地板上撒泼。我再说一遍，我们真得可以接受这种行为，因为它只是一种情绪的原始表达方式。作为父母，我们的工作是倾听、照顾好我们自己的情绪，这样让孩子能够接受他自己的情绪。随着时间的推移，他们会学会以更好的方式表达感情。 非常重要的一点是：无论我们同意还是拒绝，都必须建立联结。即使我们同意，也不能这样说：“好吧，拿去吧！你烦死我了，你总是那么讨厌！快走吧！”这样，即使他得到了想要的东西，你们也没有建立任何联结。因此，我们要这样说：“哦，好吧！当然了，你一直都是那么合作，是妈妈的好帮手，我很乐意买给你。”这样，你们就建立了联结。即使说“不”，依然可以建立联结。不要这么说：“不，你不能要。你要它干什么？别再要这要那了，你有毛病吗？”这样不能建立联结。但是，如果我们说：“我明白你真得很想要。它看起来的确很棒，我能理解你为什么想要那个东西。我很抱歉，这次我不得不拒绝你。我知道你真的想要那个。”然后，我们要倾听，倾听他们在被拒绝后的感受。这就是说“不”时也可以建立联结的方式。 现在，我想添加一些游戏的成分。当你每次走进商店时，都说：“我想要这个，我想要那个。”你指着那些你永远都不会买的、可笑的东西说：“我想要那个，要两个！”然后，你的孩子就会说：“不行，你不能买那个，那个不适合我们的房子。”他也有可能会说：“好吧，好吧，你什么都可以要。” 因为他什么都想要，是在幻想中实现自己的梦想，哪怕就是几分钟。无论哪一种都是很好的方法，可以让你们两个人释放出在买东西这件事情中产生的紧张情绪。 First of all, I have to disagree with you,that other children are not like your child. I think you don't notice thisbecause it doesn't grab you and it doesn't give you an emotional reaction whenother children in the store are demanding things or they are upset when theycan't buy something. If you ask other parents, you'll find out that many manymany children demand to buy something every time they go out and are very upsetwhen the answer is no. So I assure you it' very common. Your dilemma is very commonalso. Do I upset my child? Or do I spoil my child? Do I say yes because therewill be a big upset if I say no? Do I say no because I'm afraid to spoil mychild by saying yes? I think that it's a big problem if we give in to a childonly because we are desperate for them not to cry or be upset. For example:"Here, here, please don't cry, please don't cry. I'll do anything, I'llbuy you anything. Just please don't cry." We are going against our deepvalues of what we believe is right, just in order to have the child not have anemotion. This is what I think causes the problems. I think that buying a treatfor a child now and then does not create a spoiled child. But buying it becauseyou can't stand for them to cry is a problem. Of course, it's not as bad as punishing achild for crying, but what these two reactions have in common is that we feel:"oh, I can't accept this emotion." So I will be angry with you andpunish you until you stop crying, or I will buy you anything you ask for sothat you will stop crying. But really, isn’t it OK for a child to cry becausethey want something and they can’t have it? This is a very good reason to cry. You said you really can't accept such abehavior. So I'm going to challenge you and ask you, "what is it that you can'taccept?" Do you mean that you can't accept your child wants things whenyou go to a store and he sees something really fun, really exciting, reallydelicious? You can't accept that he wants it? I'll urge you to accept that as anormal part of being a child, and even being an adult. Or is it that you can'taccept that your child is unhappy when you say no? Well, I want to challengeyou on this too, because of course children are unhappy when they wantsomething and we say no. We are the same way if we want something and we can'thave it. We're unhappy about it. So I don't think that we can say that it isunacceptable that a person wants things, or is unhappy when they can’t havethose things. It is a part of life. Now what about the expressing the sadnessand the anger? Maybe that's what unacceptable. Well, I think the way childrencan learn good, appropriate, healthy expressions of feelings is when we listento their own expressions, the way they express, even though they are not sonice all the time. They don't say, "Excuse me, mother, I really want that.I'm quite sad that you say no. " Of course, no child in the world eversays that. Instead, what they do is scream, cry, fall on the floor, and again Iwould say, we actually can accept that behavior because it's just a rawexpression of emotion. Our job as parents is just to listen, and be okay withour own emotions so that they can be OK with their own emotions, and over timethey will learn to express feelings in better ways. Now it's really important that whether wesay yes or no, that we build connection. If we say yes, we're not saying"here, fine, take it. You wore me down and you are always so obnoxious, goahead " That's not going to build any connections even though they get whatthey want. So we have to say, "oh, yes, of course, you've been socooperative, you were a big helper and I'd love to get that for you." Soyou build connections. If we say no, we can still build connections. So wedon't say, "No, of course you can't have it. What do you want that for?Stop asking for things. What’s wrong with you?" That doesn't buildconnection. But if we say, "You really want it, I understand. It looks sowonderful. I can see why you want that. I'm so sorry that I have to say no thistime. You really want that. " And we listen, we listen to whatever theyfeel after we say no. That's the way no can build connections also. Now I want to add a play component to thisalso. You can say "I want this, I want that" every time you walk intoa store. You point to ridiculous things you'll never buy and you say, "Iwant that, I want two of those." And your child will be the one who says,"no, you can't have that. It won't fit in our house." And maybe yourchild will say, "Yes, yes, you can have everything." because they'reliving out that wish for a few minutes’ fantasy, because they want everything.Either way is a really good way to release the tension for both of you aboutall this wanting. 本问题由简耕教育协助提供和整理。简耕教育，科恩博士中国唯一课程授权合作机构。 您也有问题想提问和交流？ 进入打卡页面即可提问或分享见解！ 分享格式：“#百问百答#+您的提问或见解” 注意：不要在文章末尾留言区提问，所有家长的提问均在“爸妈行动营”展示 |
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