TED：当你回复垃圾邮件的时候会怎么样？

TED英语演讲课

给心灵放个假吧

我们每天都会收到很多垃圾邮件。

我们可能选择无视这些垃圾邮件，也有可能回复垃圾邮件。

今天这个TED演讲带大家了解一下，回复以后会怎么样。

A few years ago,

几年前，

I got>我收到一封垃圾邮件。

And it managed to get through my spam filter.

我的垃圾邮件过滤器也没能阻止。

I'm not quite sure how,

我不知道它是怎么做到的，

but it turned up in my inbox,

但它出现在我的收件箱里，

and it was from a guy called Solomon Odonkoh.

发件人是个叫所罗门·奥东寇的人。

I know.

是这样，

It went like this: it said,

邮件是这么开头的：上面写着：

'Hello James Veitch,

“你好，詹姆斯·维奇，

I have an interesting business proposal I want to share with you, Solomon.'

我有个挺有意思的投资提案， 想和你谈一谈——所罗门”

Now, my hand was kind of hovering>这时我本应该准备删掉，对吧？

I was looking at my phone.

我当时看着我的手机，

I thought, I could just delete this.

心想我可以直接删了它。

Or I could do what I think we've all always wanted to do.

或者我可以做我们一直想做的事。

And I said, 'Solomon,

于是我说：“所罗门，

Your email intrigues me.'

你的邮件令我很感兴趣。”

And the game was afoot.

游戏就此开始。

He said, 'Dear James Veitch,

他说：“亲爱的詹姆斯·维奇

We shall be shipping Gold to you.'

我们会给你运送黄金。”

'You will earn 10% of any gold you distributes.'

“你可以将黄金转手， 赚取10%的回扣。”

So I knew I was dealing with a professional.

于是我就知道了， 和我打交道的是个高手。

I said, 'How much is it worth?'

我说：“它值多少钱？”

He said, 'We will start with smaller quantity,'

他说：“我们一开始可以做小一点。”

-- I was like,

我当时就，

aww -- and then he said,

“哎……” 然后他说：

'of 25 kgs.

“25公斤。”

The worth should be about $2.5 million.'

“总价值大约250万美元。”

I said, 'Solomon,

我说：“所罗门，

if we're going to do it,

如果我们做这生意，

let's go big.

我们大干一场吧。

I can handle it.

“我能搞定。

How much gold do you have?'

你手上有多少金子？”

He said, 'It is not a matter of how much gold I have,

他说：“关键不是我有多少，

what matters is your capability of handling.

而是你能接多少。

We can start with 50 kgs as trial shipment.'

我们可以先试运50公斤。”

I said, '50 kgs?

我说：“50公斤？

There's no point doing this at all unless you're shipping at least a metric ton.'

简直一点搞头都没有啊， 除非你至少运过来一整吨。”

He said, 'What do you do for a living?'

他说：“你是干什么工作的？”

I said, 'I'm a hedge fund executive bank manager.'

我说：“我是银行对冲基金的执行经理。”

This isn't the first time I've shipped bullion, my friend,

“朋友，这不是我第一次运金条了。

no no no.

不，不，不。”

Then I started to panic.

然后我开始有点慌了。

I was like,

我当时就说：

'Where are you based?'

“你们总部在哪？”

I don't know about you,

我还不了解你，

but I think if we're going via the postal service,

但是我想如果我们要通过邮政业务发货，

it ought to be signed for.

一定要办签收。

That's a lot of gold.'

那可是一大笔金子。”

He said, 'It will not be easy to convince my company to do larger quantity shipment.'

他说：“说服我们公司扩大运货量的确不容易。”

I said, 'Solomon,

我说：“所罗门，

I'm completely with you>我非常同意你的观点。

I'm putting together a visual for you to take into the board meeting.

我现在给你整理一些图像资料， 你可以带到董事会上去。

Hold tight.'

我去去就回。”

This is what I sent Solomon.

这是我发给所罗门的东西。

I don't know if we have any statisticians in the house,

我不知道这里有没有哪位是统计学家，

but there's definitely something going>总之这肯定有点道理吧。

I said, 'Solomon,

我说，“所罗门，

attached to this email you'll find a helpful chart.

邮件的附件里有一个图表。

I've had>我让我的助手细致分析了数据。

We're ready for shipping as much gold as possible.'

我们把生意做得越大越好啊！”

There's always a moment where they try to tug your heartstrings,

总有些时候你会让别人心痒痒，

and this was it for Solomon.

对所罗门来说就是这样。

He said, 'I will be so much happy if the deal goes well,

他说：“如果生意顺利进行， 我会非常开心的，

because I'm going to get a very good commission as well.'

因为我也会获得一笔丰厚的佣金。”

And I said, 'That's amazing,

然后我说：“这太棒了！

What are you going to spend your cut>你打算怎么花这笔钱？”

And he said, 'On RealEstate,

他说：“投资不动产，

what about you?'

那你呢？”

I thought about it for a long time.

我想了很久。

And I said,

然后我说：

'One word; Hummus.'

“就一个词：豆沙酱。”

'It's going places.

“这肯定有戏的啦。”

I was in Sainsbury's the other day and there were like 30 different varieties.

我有天在英佰瑞超市，那里有30多种豆沙酱。

Also you can cut up carrots,

而且你还可以切个胡萝卜，

and you can dip them.

然后蘸着吃。

Have you ever done that, Solomon?'

你有试过吗，所罗门？”

He said, 'I have to go bed now.'

他说：“我要去睡觉了。”

'Till morrow.

“明天再聊。

Have sweet dream.'

祝你好梦！”

I didn't know what to say!

我当下就无语了！

I said, 'Bonsoir my golden nugget, bonsoir.'

我说：“晚安，我的金条子，晚安。”

Guys, you have to understand,

你们得知道，

this had been going for, like, weeks,

这已经持续了好几个星期了，

albeit hitherto the greatest weeks of my life,

尽管这是我生命中最美好的一周，

but I had to knock it>但我不得不停下了。

It was getting a bit out of hand.

有点失控了。

Friends were saying, 'James,

朋友跟我说：“詹姆斯，

do you want to come for a drink?'

你想来喝一杯吗？”

I was like, 'I can't,

我的反应就是，“不不不，

I'm expecting an email about some gold.'

我在等一封关于黄金的电子邮件。”

So I figured I had to knock it>我觉得我得叫停了。

I had to take it to a ridiculous conclusion.

我得让事情发展到一个超级无厘头的结局。

So I concocted a plan.

所以我编写了一套计划。

I said, 'Solomon,

我说：“所罗门，

I'm concerned about security.

我很担心安全问题。

When we email each other,

当我们互相发邮件时，

we need to use a code.'

我们要用暗号。”

And he agreed.

他也同意了。

I said, 'Solomon,

我说：“所罗门，

I spent all night coming up with this code we need to use in all further correspondence:

我想了一晚上， 想到了这些暗号，以后一切通讯请务必使用：

Lawyer: Gummy Bear.

律师：小熊橡皮糖。

Bank: Cream Egg.

银行：奶油蛋。

Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.

法律：可乐QQ糖。

Claim: Peanut M&Ms.

索赔：M&M花生巧克力。

Documents: Jelly Beans.

文档：果冻豆。

Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard.'

西联汇款公司：巨大的橡皮蜥蜴。”

I knew these were all words they use, right?

我知道这都是行家用的，对吧？

I said, 'Please call me Kitkat in all further correspondence.'

我说，“以后一切通讯 请称我为KitKat（奇巧巧克力）。”

I didn't hear back.

我没收到回信。

I thought, I've gone too far.

我想，我一定做过火了。

I've gone too far.

我做得太过分了。

So I had to backpedal a little.

所以我不得不退一步。

I said, 'Solomon,

我说：“所罗门，

Is the deal still>生意还在进行吗？

KitKat.'

KitKat 敬上。”

Because you have to be consistent.

因为你必须保持一致。

Then I did get an email back from him.

然后我收到了他的一封邮件。

He said, 'The Business is>他说，“生意还在继续，我在努力.”

I said, 'Dude,

我说：“老兄！

you have to use the code!'

你要用暗号啊！”

What followed is the greatest email I've ever received.

之后我收到了一生中最爆笑的一封邮件。

I'm not joking,

我没开玩笑,

this is what turned up in my inbox.

这就是我收到的邮件。

This was a good day.

那真是很棒的一天。

'The business is> “生意还在进行，

I am trying to raise the balance for the Gummy Bear --

我在尝试调高小熊橡皮糖的余额……

so he can submit all the needed Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans to the Creme Egg,

所以他可以把所有需要的汽水瓶果冻豆子放到奶油蛋里，

for the Peanut M&Ms process to start.

让M&M花生巧克力能够启动。

Send 1,500 pounds via a Giant Gummy Lizard.'

请用巨大的橡皮蜥蜴，转账1500英镑，”

And that was so much fun, right,

很有趣，对吧，

that it got me thinking: like,

让我不禁思考起来：

what would happen if I just spent as much time as could replying to as many scam emails as I could?

如果我花尽可能多的时间， 回复尽可能多的垃圾邮件， 会发生什么呢？

And that's what I've been doing for three years>这就是我所做的，做了整整三年，都是为了你们。

Crazy stuff happens when you start replying to scam emails.

当你开始回复诈骗邮件时，就会发生疯狂的事情。

It's really difficult,

这其实挺难的，

and I highly recommend we do it.

但我强烈推荐大家尝试一下。

I don't think what I'm doing is mean.

我不觉得我做的事很伤天害理。

There are a lot of people who do mean things to scammers.

社会上有好多人对诈骗犯做很残忍的事情。

All I'm doing is wasting their time.

我所做的一切，就是浪费他们时间。

And I think any time they're spending with me is time they're not spending scamming vulnerable adults out of their savings, right?

他们在我身上花的所有精力，都让他们没时间去诈骗其他容易受骗的人，对吧？

And if you're going to do this -- and I highly recommend you do -- get yourself a pseudonymous email address.

如果你想这么做，我强烈建议你这么做，先去申请一个匿名的邮箱地址。

Don't use your own email address.

千万别用你自己的邮箱。

That's what I was doing at the start and it was a nightmare.

我一开始就是这么干的， 简直就是噩梦。

I'd wake up in the morning and have a thousand emails about penis enlargements,

我一早起床会收到一千封邮件， 关于阴茎变大什么的，

only>其中只有一封是合法的，

to a medical question I had.

解决我的一个生理问题。

But I'll tell you what, though, guys,

我跟你们说吧，

I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,

我想跟你们说：任何一天都是美好的一天，

any day is a good day if you receive an email that begins like this:

如果你收到一封像这样开头的电子邮件，那么任何一天都是美好的一天：

'I AM WINNIE MANDELA,

“我是温妮·曼德拉，

THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT.'

南非前总统纳尔逊·曼德拉的第二任妻子。“

I was like, oh!

我反应就是：哦哦！

-- that Winnie Mandela.

那个温妮·曼德拉啊！

I know so many.

我认识好几个呢。

'I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS OUT OF THE COUNTRY BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION.'

“ 由于我的丈夫 纳尔逊的身体状况，我需要转移4500万美元出国。”

Let that sink in.

让我揣摩揣摩。

She sent me this,

她给我发这个，

which is hysterical.

简直太搞笑了。

And this.

还有这个。

And this looks fairly legitimate,

这看上去挺靠谱的，

this is a letter of authorization.

是一封授权的证书。

But to be honest,

但是说实话，

if there's nothing written>如果上面什么都没写，

it's just a shape!

只是个壳而已！

I said, 'Winnie,

我说：“温妮，

I'm really sorry to hear of this.

我很抱歉听到这个消息。

Given that Nelson died three months ago,

因为纳尔逊三个月前刚去世，

I'd describe his health condition as fairly serious.'

我觉得他的身体确实相当糟糕。”

That's the worst health condition you can have,

没能活着最糟糕的

not being alive.

情况了啊。

She said, 'KINDLY COMPLY WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.

她说：“请遵循银行专员的指示。

ONE LOVE.'

唯爱。”

I said, 'Of course.

我说：“当然了。

NO WOMAN, NO CRY.'

美女催下男儿泪啊！”

She said, 'MY BANKER WILL NEED TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS.

她说：“我的银行专员需要 3000美金的转账。

ONE LOVE.'

唯爱。”

I said, 'no problemo.

我说：“没问题。

I SHOT THE SHERIFF.'

我帮你把司法官毙了。”

[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]

[(但我没有向副警长开枪)]

Thank you.

谢谢。

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