 本期大作文供稿： 章跃 2018年10月13日雅思考试大作文题目 ☟☟☟  【立场：利大于弊】 优势：1、母乳喂奶对母子都是好事；2、身心恢复。 缺点：1、离开工作太久，职场受阻。 批注说明： 黑色：学生习作 玫红色：批改，讲解和示范 箭头：整段重整后的样子 ☟☟☟ Women, as long as since they would can be vulnerable physically and mentally after finishing childbirth, should all be engaged into a allowed to maternity leave take some time off work. In many countries, allowing female employees to take a break of a few months break and look after their babies 【主语嫌长，不是英语习惯】 is a basic right 【“休假”是权利，“允许”不是权利】 → it is a basic entitlement that females have a time of reasonable length to recover and look after the infants, and it seems to be the best solution to balance their work and health. 【赘述】 Personally, I believe there can be more beneficial consequences than passive the negative effects. → Maternity leave is legally available in some countries and practiced. 【“引入”环节一定要快】 I think that it has multiple benefits and only a few drawbacks. 【multiple对应 a few避开无聊的比较级也能表明孰多孰少】 【开头结束了，快快快，加快信息节奏】 First, the availability of a few-months leave 【语言要“扁平”一些】 leaving work for a time of reasonable length ensures that their infants could definitely be are taken good care of well attended. During this time, women can dedicate themselves into to their babies and also prevent them from some unpredictable danger which may imperil lives 【赘述】. Meanwhile, 【文脉在此处不顺】 Experts advocate that breastfeeding has more benefits for both babies and mothers, since it was is an original instinct and nobody have has the ability to replace them the mothers. By doing this, the attachment / bond that forms【多余】between them can be strengthened , which is for the reason that the newborn has a vital psychological need for the mother’s attention. →【内容不变，调整语序】 First, experts point out that breast milk is beneficial for the babies. Since it is only the mothers who can breastfeed the infants【状语从句里的强调句】，the leave is necessary for the sake of children’s health. Experts also say that mothers too benefit from breastfeeding. For example, breast cancer is less likely, and the chance of obesity after giving birth diminishes. In addition, it is believed that breastfeeding strengthens the bond between a child and the parent. Second, newly new mothers are therefore more likely to recover after production. They can achieve have more 【不要乱用比较级】time to take a good rest and fully recover from the hardship of pregnancy and production. It is a common sense that the birth of a baby indicates the conscientious childcare from his or her mother, which leads to arduous and energy-consuming efforts. 【嗯？】 → Second, the few months are needed also because it takes time for the new mothers to recover. During the time, women restore their energy 【细化recover】since childbirth consumes too much physically, and they also return to their best state 【细化recover】mentally. 【篇幅不用再延展了，后面还有drawback要写呢，不愁字数不够】 However 【转折意义的逻辑衔接词等于在否定上面的两点advantages，和你的立场相悖了】 Admittedly, the existence【语言不“扁平”】of some negative effects should not be overlooked. Taking maternity leave means sometimes women may suffer from 【此处语意重了】be at the risk of losing their jobs, especially during an economic downturn when the job market is in recession. Also, this behavior can impact a woman’s career development, as they may find it hard to readapt to the previous work environment after the gap, or her position may be replaced 【“岗位”不会被取代，“人”被取代】filled 【“岗位”被填上】by another person permanently. In conclusion, the policy or law of maternity benefits all female employees and their families in most cases. and some passive results accompanied by this should also be thought highly of Although the disadvantages cannot be disregarded, they are minor effects. |
|
|
